Deliverance


Pay the piper and
run far and fast with your soul
Hold onto your words
For the story's already been told

We were the promised ones
The legacy of shooting stars
We burned the brightest of all the sons
The city of angels, a trip to the moon, a stopover on Mars

We were the ancients
The ones long deceived
We were the kings and queens
Naive enough to believe

We are the brittle, the tired, the old
We are the outcasts, the murderers, the jokers, the stardust of eons past
We are the bones, broken and cold
We are the nameless, the faceless, the suckers who thought it would last

Pay the ferryman
Your time has come
The years were not your friends
Accept your coming undone

Pay the piper his token
hold tight to your keening soul
the words have already been spoken
so save your sad tales of old.

The Ruins of September

What great ruins now sleep eternally
on the broken ground of this grey city
Like souls prostrate in mighty grief
In all the world, black disbelief

Human eyes will never again see
the views to Heaven once conceived
in man's own mind
a three pound universe
the same which brought these giants down
tis now the view of Hell unbound

Who were the men, the hands indeed
that set in stone
the hopes, the dreams
birthed by Rome in concrete, stone

Of greatness built to Gods and men
and leveled in seconds by Hell's condemned
A city keens for fallen friends
Yet bent not broken in the final end.

Groovy Man!

Blogger has these new templates and I really like this one. For now. It just seems so retro and 1960's. I'll probably change my mind about it soon.

Well I've had a whopping two interviews for teaching jobs; one job I didn't get and one I suspect I didn't get but don't know for sure yet. The second job was in a really horrible part of L.A. which just shows you how desperate I AM for a job.

Cheri is still here. Things are still going well. I now have no idea when she's leaving, haha. I'm worried about her though. She's only applied for teaching positions and time is running out. Many schools have already started and the ones that haven't start in the next 2-3 weeks.

I went off the Coumadin about three weeks ago. It's only been three weeks granted, but so far, so good.

I've signed up to substitute teach again - in a different district that L.A. so it's less money but no doubt the kids will be more civilized. The kids in L.A. were monsters and the money they gave you was hazard pay. L.A. isn't hiring for subs anyway.

I got my resume redone by a professional to start look for administrative assistant positions too. I'd encourage Cheri to do the same but she can't even type more than 20 words a minute and knows NOTHING about any computer programs. Yikes.

Anyway, now it's just a matter of finding places that are hiring. I never thought I'd be out of work so long and have such trouble finding a job. Recession my ass. Depression is more like it. At least for some of us.

And on that happy note, that's about it. Wish I had better news.

Happy Birthday to Me

Today marks one year since I went into the hospital for my embolism. I'm alive!!!!
Yay! Seriously, I'm very, very grateful to be here, considering how serious my condition was.

Also, I saw my cardiologist and he agreed I can stop the Coumadin so tonight will be my last night taking it! Yay again! I can now eat whatever I want, and start taking aspirin, Aleve and whatever else I want again. Also, no more weekly or monthly blood tests. Yes, I now have a greater chance than the average person of having another embolism, but I am off the Pill and will not be taking anymore hormones EVER and I think I'll be OK. There are a lot of dangers to being on blood thinners and I don't want to deal with those anymore.

Cheri is still living with me - it's worked out really well. I've enjoyed having her here quite a bit after being alone so long. She's probably going to stay about a month longer.

I had a JOB INTERVIEW - it was actually for an English teaching position at Malibu High School. I would've only been teaching two classes though. I don't think I got it. I know I didn't get it. Oh well. On to the next challenge! I learned a lot from the interview and I think I'll be better prepared for the questions I'll be asked in my next interview. If there ever is another interview, haha.

I took my Excel computer class again. I understood it much better this time but still, I'm not going to be good at Excel. If I can make and understand the most basic spreadsheet, I will consider that a huge victory. I also took the Word Intermediate class, but I had such a SHITTY instructor I am taking it again as well. (I can take the classes again for free).

That's about all folks. Still going to Curves (although I flaked twice last week - bad girl), still looking for a job. Can't believe it's basically August!

Update

Wow I haven't written anything in a month of Sundays!

Some new news:

1) My friend Cheri is living with me for a month, starting today. It's a LONG story but anyway, she's here. I helped her move out of her apartment yesterday. Moving is a bitch.

2) Still no job. Took an Excel class. Wow, it's tough. Will be taking another one, as well as two Word classes. I'm not going to be an expert at the computer by any means, but I've got to get better to even get a receptionist's job. That's so sad. I trained so hard to be a teacher; but it's not going to happen. I get rejection letters right and left. Sad.

3) GREAT NEWS on my health front. My hematologist ran some more tests; they are ALL NORMAL. It's very possible I will be off the Coumadin as of August 1st. If so, I can't wait!

4) I have been going to Curves regularly for slightly over a month. Wow, it's making a difference. I've been slowly losing some weight. Still going to OA.

5) No plans for the Fourth of July. As usual, haha. Cheri and I will probably just hang out.

6) I finally broke down and got wireless service in my place so I can move my computer anywhere I want it. AWESOME! It's great.

7) I guess not much else is going on. My balcony is either being eaten up by termites or it has wood rot. This is when I am glad I am a renter. It's not my problem to fix it.

8) Things are good, despite still being out of work. Hope all is well with all of you.

Ch-ch-ch-changes

I love that song by Bowie.
It pretty much describes my life lately.
Good news -
I finished writing my unit plan for English - it's 70 pages long. Who says I can't write a book? Just do that a couple more times and I'm set, haha.
Better news - I saw a new dr. and I don't have a genetic blood disorder. I had a bad first dr. It was most likely the Pill that caused my problems last summer.
I may get off this drug sooner than I thought.
Best news - I only have two more classes and despite the employment situation
I'm pretty damn happy.

In the last two weeks I've heard from two people from my past - both old friends I haven't talked to in a while. One I haven't talked to in 3 years and one I haven't talked to in 18 years. 18 fuckin' years! The stories behind how I lost touch with these people are long and drawn out. I just drifted away from my friend Heather, the one I hadn't heard from in 18 years. Sadly, Gena and I had a bad, bad, messy fight and that ended our friendship. Although I wish her the best in life, I just don't want to go back.
This is courtesy of Facebook!
Didn't write back to Gena. No hard feelings, I'm just intent on moving forward with my life. I don't want to go back. I have nothing left to say. I apologized to her a long time ago and that's that.
I wrote a brief note back to Heather - we were best best best friends in college.
It's really, really strange to hear from someone after almost two decades.
Thanks, Facebook, haha.

Going to Palm Springs in about 3 weeks. May be going to Atlanta to visit my angel niece Ella.

Things are good.
My brother is going to see the Church tomorrow night. I was blah on seeing them and skipped them. Like I said, changes.

And in the "Things Just Keep Getting Better Category..."

I just lost my unemployment benefits. Apparently I didn't understand that they were going to run out so soon. I can file an appeal but I'm not really that hopeful.

Waiting for the locusts.

Clot News

Doesn't the title just sound gross? Well the idiot hematologist I saw called me this past SUNDAY AFTERNOON. Dropped a nice little bomb on me. Seems one of my clotting factors, called Factor viii is still really high. He basically had no answers for me. Doesn't seem to think it was the Yaz birth control pill. He seems to think I have some inherited blood clotting disorder. Why it showed up in me at 42 and has shown up in no one else in my family doesn't seem to concern him.

Needless to say I was, and am, dismayed. Let's face it. I thought this whole thing would be over in 6 mos to a year and I was sure it was the Yaz birth control pill. I still think the Yaz had something to do with it. But my Factor viii shouldn't be high. I have made an appointment with another hematologist for a second set of tests an another opinion. But it looks like I will be on blood thinners for a long, long time. I think I'm going to have to get one of those nifty medical bracelets. Seriously. Luckily they have them so they look pretty fashionable now. But still.

I know, it could be worse. I was living in a big bubble of denial that I could get off this drug. EVERY SINGLE DRUG YOU TAKE - from an antacid to a vitamin to an antidepressant interferes with it. Antibiotics totally screw you up. I have to have my blood tested constantly. And don't get me started on the eating restrictions. NO GREENS!

But what's the alternative? God knows I can't have another clot. I have the appointment with the new doctor on April 1st. How appropriate. I only wish this was all a joke, instead of "Hey you may have an inherited blood clotting disorder!"

On top of all the other fun things going on, it's the icing on the cake.

BTW, I deleted my last post because my brother managed to freak me out that somehow, someway, my professor would see it. There's no way in Hell she could ever find this blog, but he got me so paranoid I just took it off here.

The class is still Hell. I am making out about 300 resumes. I'm not kidding.

It's About Time!

I update my blog that is. I've been terribly lazy about writing. And now I'm in a class that requires nothing but writing. Help! Speaking of...

I started school last week. I'm taking an English methods class - which is essentially a class teaching me how to teach my students English using the best practices possible. It is going to be a SHITLOAD of work. The professor started the class out by saying "This should be a two semester class." Good news! I'm not so terribly fond of her either; she's a little smug and has some of that professorial arrogance one gets at the PHD and University level. In other words, she thinks she's hot shit. Eh. We'll see. I definitely think the class will be helpful to me - already I'm realizing how much I DO NOT KNOW in terms of teaching English. Help! I have school one night a week and not much else so time should NOT be a problem. I'm grateful for that. Also, my best friend Cheri is in the class too, so that is a big plus.

It's so funny - our whole class is made up of Type A anal-retentive over-achievers and I totally include myself in that category. Already two women have basically been told to zip it by the professor. They just go ON and ON and ON in class, talking as if they're the only ones in the room. It's quite annoying and it stuns me how people can be so clueless to their own inappropriate behavior(s).

However, if I can whinge a bit here...can I just tell you how SICK I am of constantly having to go back to school? I just want a teaching job - that's like being a student all the time anyway - if you're a good teacher that is. And school is so crowded! It took me 20 minutes to get out of the parking garage last night. Oh well. I know if these are my biggest problems in life I should consider myself lucky.

I have sadly totally flaked on the exercise front for the last three weeks. The first week of January I went and then BOOM - extreme inertia and laziness has set in. As such I've only lost a couple of pounds in the last few weeks. I'm still eating really well though. Also still attending my meetings and working the OA program which keeps me on track with my eating. At least I'm not gaining weight.

The Coffee Date: Eh, was a bust. Not that it didn't go well. I met him at Starbucks and we had a perfectly lovely conversation for a little over an hour but there was ZERO attraction on my side and seemingly none on his. He looked really different from his picture too. Hate when that happens. In fact, and I don't know how to say this without sounding mean or judgmental...but I swear I think he had man boobs. Now I'm NO Heidi Klum and I have a few extra pounds on...but man boobs...I just don't know if I'm ready for that yet. ; )

At the moment I am conversing with three other guys. I'm calling one tonight on the phone and have been emailing the other two. As I said, I'm not real fond of doing this stuff, but hey, it's getting me out there and it's the best way for me to meet people right now. I WILL keep y'all posted.

My mom is going to Atlanta on February 11; she'll be there for 2 weeks. My niece has been having some major problems - like constantly throwing up her food and my brother and sister-in-law need help. They are at the end of their proverbial rope. My brother just started a new job and my sister-in-law is running out of time she can take off. My niece has had feeding/eating problems since she was born (as a severe micro-preemie) and is now enrolled in an intense eating/feeding program study at something called the Marcus Institute. I pray they can help her. We also have to get to the bottom of why she keeps spitting up what food she does manage to eat. There are so many issues with my niece. I love her SOOOOOOO much and just want to take them all away. She is the sweetest little girl with a really great personality - and she's had really a tough two years on this planet.

My dad will have been dead for 14 years on February 12th. It's hard to believe. Sometimes he seems so distant - as if I never knew him at all. I feel guilty when I feel that way. Then other times I miss him so much I just cry. I don't cry too much anymore - but still, you never stop missing your parent.

I am seeing the cardiologist this Monday, the 1st, just for a general check-up. The important appointment is on the 26th of February - that's when I see the hematologist and he will start running tests to see if and when I can get off this Coumadin. I really pray I can get off it. The eating restrictions are a bitch and just getting off one more med would be nice. We'll see.

Gosh I feel like this blog has been a real downer; didn't mean it that way. These are just the things going on. Generally I feel pretty good and am glad to have the class to give me more to focus on in terms of my career.

Well, time to go meditate...or try to anyway. Hope everyone is doing as well as can be. I promise to TRY and not be as flaky with my next blog update.

Ciao.

It's Here!

1. 2010 that is. NOT A NEW DECADE. Whatever. I just hope and pray it's a better year, for myself and others who had a shitty 2009.

2. I have a cat who peed inside MY PURSE and who drinks my Crystal Light out of my glass. Should I kill her? ; )

3. Only lost 10 pounds over the last two months. Have to step up my game. Still going to OA, started going to Curves again this week. Along with the entire rest of the world. It's funny, everyone is back at Curves and OA...gotta start those resolutions. Glad I'm just continuing mine.

4. If all goes well, I will start my English methods class on the 20th of this month. I think I can finally register for it next week. Fingers crossed!

5. At the end of next month I find out if I can go off the Coumadin. I'm going to go through all sorts of blood tests I imagine. I also have a feeling I won't be going off it for at least another 6 months. I just hope and pray they don't keep me on it for life.

6. Trying to be more positive this year, no matter what. I just can't stand the negativity trap I'd fallen into in 2009. Yeah, some shit things happened and I'm no Pollyanna, but God, I've got to get my thoughts straightened out.

7. I saw "The Blind Side." A predictable but very sweet, feel-good movie. I want to see Avatar and Up in the Air next. It was nice actually going to the theater; although every time I DO go to the theater I'm reminded why I stay home to watch movies most of the time. People kicking the back of my chair, talking through the movie, etc. Ugh.

8. I have NO WORDS to express how bitter and angry I am about this fucking nightmare of a health bill. I'm very disappointed in Obama and Congress. Can you say bought and sold?

9. Well, I went and did it! I got back online and am possibly meeting a guy for coffee this coming Monday. I really hate this shit, but I've had it with my nun-like existence as well.

10. I'm so excited - one of my favorite TV shows is coming back - SouthLAnd. Fucking NBC aired like 6 episodes in the spring/summer and then kicked it to the curb. It's a GREAT show. Thankfully TNT picked it up; I hope people watch it so it stays on. Stupid Jay Leno takes up 5 nights of NBC's 10pm programming; I've not watched his show but I hear it isn't very good. It's Jay Leno! He's mediocre at best. But they will never pull the plug on him!

11. Yeah it is kind of sad how excited I am about my TV shows coming back. This is what happens when you have no job and your social life is on life support.