Delayed Reaction

Wow it's been exactly one month since I blogged. I seem to be going through some kind of existential crisis (don't groan and say "another one?" haha) but my shrink has assured me it's perfectly normal. Move along people, nothing to see here.

Seriously...it has to do with my hospital stay. It's strange. When I got out, I was totally on a high. I was LOVING LIFE. Why not? I'd just CHEATED DEATH. I was euphoric for about a month. Life was good, I was beyond grateful for EVERYTHING and happy as a clam.

Then that feeling started to dissipate. That's when the anxiety started. Every little sensation in my body I took as a sign that a clot was forming; I was going to have another PE. I'd get a headache and think a clot was going to my brain. I'd breathe in and think my lungs were hurting and something was wrong. The anxiety is still here, though it's not as acute. This has lasted about a month too. Needless to say Xanax has been my best friend through this.

Now I'm in some kind of grieving process; some kind of existential "I just stared death in the face and what the fuck have I done with my life" crisis. It's bad. It hurts. I cry all the time for no reason. Well, there is a reason. It's like I FINALLY WOKE UP at age 42 - as if I was in a coma for years!!! I don't know why I'm having all these strange thoughts. I'm thinking, where did the last 20 years go? I'm not doing ANYTHING with my life now - and suddenly I want to LIVE and do EVERYTHING with my life now. Sex, drugs and rock and roll! Well, maybe not the drugs. ; )

I'm on a strange journey. The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing my doctor told me it's normal - and an essay I read by the country music artist Mary Chapin Carpenter. I was reading this book of essays people wrote on what they believe and she wrote one called "I Believe in the Learning Curve of Gratitude."

Mary Chapin Carpenter had the exact same thing happen to her. She had blood clots in her lungs. She went into a state of depression, pain, confusion, gratitude. I could've written the essay. I think it was a Godsend that I read it.

It definitely made me feel not so alone.

I've been in a major fire, held up by a gunman, been in major earthquakes, car accidenets and nothing, nothing has scared me and shaken me to my core like this experience. I know I will come out of this a stronger, better, more compassionate person.

It's just getting through it that sucks!

More later from the trenches...