Back to the Grind

Well, here it is, almost midnight on Saturday night/Sunday morning. My 'blissful' 2 1/2 week 'winter break' (we don't dare say Christmas vacation anymore) is almost over. Where in the hell did it go? I know exactly where it went. I spent 8 days in Atlanta, which was great when I got to see my niece, but was tough because traveling during the holidays sucks. This was the first time I'd ever spent Christmas out of California. I'm 40 years old and have still spent almost every Christmas at the house I grew up in. It was a bit disorienting, but again, worth it, to see my niece.

Then I get home, and the next day visit my dying grandmother. Cut to one morphine dose and one New Year's Day later and grandma leaves this earthly realm on the 2nd. So then I spend a few hours in her house with my mom waiting for the mortuary to arrive and take her body away. I am fascinated by how when we're alive, we are "us" by the millisecond we die, we become "the body." It makes sense really because if you've ever been up close and personal to someone after they've died, it is totally and completely obvious that our bodies are truly just shells...whatever brain activity, life force, soul, etc. that is 'us' has let the proverbial building.

So now I'm sitting here writing thank-you notes to my students for all their wonderful 'winter' gifts. Gee, I don't know what else to call them! Oddly enough, I received extraordinarily generous 'winter' gifts from my 90% Jewish students. Seriously, you should see the stack of Barnes and Noble gift cards I received. Not to mention the Macy' gift card, the Nordstrom's gift card, the Starbucks and Coffee Bean/Tea Leaf gift cards and the Visa $50 gift card. Oh and don't let me forget the TWO Disneyland park-hopper passes! These winter gifts also included about two tons of candy, a book on van Gogh, a gratitude journal, several scented candles, a beautiful ring, a lovely scarf, a throw for the couch, a bath set, a personalized teacher pad, a coffee and mug set and probably more things I've forgotten. Honestly my biggest fear is that I'm going to forget to give someone a thank you note and/or get the gifts mixed up.

I am falling into the inevitable grip of "January" despair, which could be understandable this year, giving my temperment, history of depression, rainy, cold weather, and the recent death of my grandmother - which has just generally put me in a funk and set me off on one of the 'what the hell is it all for' anyway mindsets. Aside from her death, I normally despise the months of January and February. There's always the post-holiday meltdown, and since I've been teaching and/or in school for over ten years, I'm used to having a long vacation and going back to work, while good for me, is never that exciting in the new year. I don't normally find the 'new year' very inspiring. I find it depressing. I can't really explain any better why I hate these two months so much. It's normally our 'winter' if you will - the two months when we get the most rain - although the last couple of years have been pretty dry. Here's something kind of odd. My paternal grandmother, who I was very close to, died on January 30, 1995. My maternal grandfather died on January 4, 1986. Now my maternal grandmother has died on January 2, 2008. My father died on February 12, 1996, and my best friend's mother died on Februrary 28, 2003. Even Mr. Rogers died on February 27, 2003! Mr. Rogers! Ha. Needless to say, I have even more reason to despise these dreary months. We do get a couple of paid holidays, so yippeeee.

I know it's best for me to go back to work, since I am getting too depressed now just roaming about here on my own. Yet I'm not ready for 31 kids bouncing off the walls. Also, Tuesday is the funeral and I really just want to get that out of the way. The kids are going to camp on February 4th. I'm praying I don't have to spend the night there with them. It's going to be colder than a witch's tit in the Malibu/Santa Monica mountains, where the camp is located. All the schools in the district have their fifth grade classes go to this "Outdoor Education" camp. We just got lucky and we get to be the first school who goes - in the beginning of February. Geniuses.

My biggest issue is how NOT to spend 10 hours at work a day. Seriously. I want to be able to have a life. Work took over and with my health and work, this is why I never had time to write, or sometimes even to read people's blogs and make a simple comment. My goal is to start leaving work at 3:00 p.m. I get there early enough - there's no one paying me to stay any later than 3p.m. and I don't care what anyone else thinks. I'm contractually supposed to be there from 8:00am to 3 p.m. I worked my ass off doing all these extra things for my class and honestly, it's sad to say I don't think the kids appreciated it. The principal doesn't know about them. It's not like I can get a promotion. Hell, I'm on probation and just praying the school will re-hire me at the end of June. I always felt like I needed to put 110% into a job. But I realize there is really no loyalty from any organization or company. No one is going to reward me or pat me on the back. With my limited energy I'd rather do other things. Perhaps if I didn't have the FMS I could do it all. But I can't. Fourteen years into this health nightmare and I'm just accepting this now. I can't be superwoman and I don't want to be superwoman anymore. I want a relationship. I want fun. I want more time with friends, here and online. I keep saying "They don't pay me enough" to be there at work on the weekends. I know new teachers that spend sooooooo much time in their classroom. Perhaps because I'm older, have worked other jobs, don't have the energy of a healthy 24 year-old, I'm not willing to do this. Maybe I'm smarter, maybe I'm lazy. Maybe I don't care as much as I should, or maybe I've decided to care about me more.

I think that's the whole point right there. For those of you who know me, and those who only know me via online or email, I spend an inordinate amount of time doing, doing, doing for others - now it's for my class/students. I also spend a lot of $$$ buying for others. Gifts for the holidays, gifts for the kids, etc. I've decided for the first time in my life, to become more selfish. If I am hired back to teach next year, ohhhhhhhhhh I'll be doing things differently in class. Talk about being too indulgent! This is a very bad habit I plan to break. It's going to be hard. I'm used to saying "yes" to everyone for everything. I'm used to paying for too much, buying too much, and paying in a different way. No mas.

Ok, I don't really have any picture to put up, so I'm putting up another one of my niece, because I don't ever get tired of looking at her.

Photo: Ella bella and her funny fingers. She likes to play with her fingers and hands.

And In One Ending, We Shall Discover Some Other, Grand Beginning

I know a couple of gals who'd like me to start writing again. I'd like me to start writing again. I seem to have fallen into some sort of abyss with this blog. Complacency is rooted at my core now; I have been emotionally paralysed for quite some time. Can't explain why, really.

I am listening to the rain and longing to run out into the street, bare feet and all, and worship every God-given drop. Flooding be damned, we need the cleansing. It is late, and quiet and the cats are settling in for several hours of slumber - an activity of sorts to keep them busy between meals. I suppose I shall pay for letting them rest their furry and weary heads in my bed, as one of them will no doubt start howling at 6a.m. for breakfast. And speaking of...today and tomorrow mark the last days of my vacation where I can truly sleep in. If I had any sense at all I'd toss those two critters out into the dark, cold living room. But I have less and less common sense as I get older and I'd rather feel the warmth of their stuffed, over-fed bodies next to me and listen to their tiny snores during the night than kick them to the sorry ends of the living room couch.

I am getting ready to get in bed myself, and grade 3o essays; my students have written about their school yers - all five of them - well, perhaps 7-8 if you count pre-school. These essays are part of a larger 'book' the students are composing. They are in essence writing their autobiographies - and at such a young age! You'd be surprised. Travel-wise some of these 10 year olds can run circles around me. Nevertheless, grading essays and writing is the absolute hardest type of work to grade and I imagine I'll give it a good five minutes before giving up and searching the tube in vain for yet another episode of Law and Order: Whatever Murder or Sexual Offense Sounds Good Tonight.

My grandma's funeral is set for Tuesday at 1p.m. I figure I may actually be able to work half a day; however my mother seems to want me to come over to her house early, so I can dramatically walk her into the church - the dutiful daughter bringing yet another daughter to the pyre to pay respects and whisper barely-hidden resentments. Ah death, there's nothing like it to bring about all those conflicted feelings you may have had about a person. My grandma was, as my cousin so succinctly put it " a real prima donna." She was pretty spoiled and quite self-centered and selfish, especially with my mother. Let's just say, there's history there. My grandma was a Southern belle; she hailed from the south and never lost her taste for sitting on the porch receiving her admirers. Well, this will be her last time receiving accolades. I wonder if she'll be around in any form to enjoy it.

I leave you now and will post a picture of my insanely adorable niece. Oh sure, I'm biased I know. The pictures don't even do her justice. She just looks like a regular baby in the pictures. In reality, she's like a living doll. I believe she's finally going to go home next weekend after spending over three months in the hospital. Her name is Ella Elizabeth. My great-grandma's name was Amanda Elizabeth. My grandma's name was Mary Elizabeth. My brother met a girl named Mary Elizabeth and married her. My aunt's name is Linda Elizabeth. My cousin is Stacy Elizabeth. I am Denise Elizabeth. And so the tradition continues. Ella Elizabeth. My class has nick-named her Ella bella. Indeed, Ella, so beautiful.

Photo: Ella Elizabeth in her grandma Carole's arms at Northside Women's Hospital, Atlanta, Georgia, December 2007