Wednesday, October 25, 2006

MadameBastet-Firing-Neurons

Serenity Now!

For those of you who were/are big Seinfeld fans, you'll know what the title of this blog refers to. I'm actually MUCH more serene than I was one week ago. I read my own blog and realised how out of control my emotions were. It scared me.

I've started the teaching part of student teaching. I really do have a good class and a great mentor teacher. She's a hard-core Irish Catholic chick from New York and she doesn't take shit from these kids. She has two M.A.'s (one in Education and one in Math) and taught high school math for 16 years. She's from Rockaway, Queens and I really love her. My lesson went on and on today because I wasn't sure what the kids were understanding since their English is so so so so limited. I also sat in with a psychologist and one of the female students because well, let me just say this girl is a problem. I can easily see her getting into a gang. She's already lied and said the teacher hit her when the teacher never hit her. These are damaged kids.

Yesterday was R's 12th birthday. She is a plump, quiet, sweet girl. I brought her a card and a butterfly bookmark. I knew the class was having cupcakes for her later in the day (I have to leave at 11:30am to go to my own classes). Today I asked her if she had a good birthday. She looked at the ground and mumbled "Noooo...." I said, "Why not?" She said, "Because my mom didn't say anything or do anything." You hear about this and it's sad. You hear it come from a kid's mouth and your heart breaks into a million pieces. You want to buy them all the gifts in the world, say all the right things, but you know nothing you can do will ever replace the love they're NOT getting from their parents. I don't understand it. My mentor teacher told me this same thing happened to another student in the class - a very smart but beaten down boy. J is very obese. No one, NO ONE recognised his birthday either except Ms. M, who brought a gift for him and cupcakes. The teachers really are the only people who care about these kids sometimes. WTF? Why do they have these kids if they can't even SAY happy birthday to them? Is the lousy fucking Church that powerful? I want the cycle to stop but there's only one way and that's NO MORE KIDS. Sad, but true.

So far this week, no lockdowns. Yay. But Ms. M did tell me another really famous gang works the neighborhood. This gang is notorious for being the absolute most feared and worst gang - not in L.A. - but in the entire nation. They're international in the scope of their terror. I won't give any of these scumbags any mention here. However, this gang makes the others look like choir boys. You never jump out - the only way out is a body bag. I just hope and pray the shitheads are asleep when I walk to the school. I say that half-kiddingly. I joked in class today at the end of every week without a lockdown we should have a party or something. I'm only student teaching here. I'm not working here; I don't know whether to admire the teachers there or think they're crazy. It's a different feeling every day.

I have a midterm tomorrow in Special Ed. My tire blew out on the way to school this morning. My cat Fletcher has a bad case of - get this - kitty acne! It's on her chin. It's SOOOOOOOOOOOOO gross. She's on her second round of antibiotics. My house is a mess. I haven't emailed anyone back in weeks. I'm more swamped than ever with work. I'm over half-way through with this semester. I'm going to Palm Springs next weekend for - hold onto your hats - a math conference. Yes, ME who hates math. My friend Penny and I are going and getting student teaching credit for it. I'm sure a few martinis will figure into the equation at night.

I need to go study more Sped as we call it. I never get enough sleep. I drink coffee regularly now. I bought a coffeemaker so when I get up it's already made. Never thought I'd be a coffee drinker. Never say never my mom keeps saying. She's right. My life is so completely different than it was a mere two and a half months ago. My perceptions of life, of poverty, of my own city, of immigrants, children, education - everything has been turned upside down. Whatever innocence and naivete I had left seems to have disappeared. I struggle daily with feelings of fear, frustration, hope, sadness, joy, anger. Complete turmoil.

I'm reading a lot about Buddhism. Years ago in my 20's I dabbled in reading about it. Now I feel more serious about it. I've never been able to find any religion or philosophy I could ever live with. I'm always searching. I'm Christian by birth but don't believe the only way to God is through Christ. I'm sure to many people that means I'll burn in Hell or be rejected by God for all eternity. That's Ok. I'm not even sure what eternity is or if I believe in Hell. Then again...

Maybe this is Hell.
There's a kid in my class, a good-looking boy named R. His mother is really sick with something - very drawn, thin, haggard. For whatever reasons, she won't accept any of the social services offered to her - and believe me, we offer everything. She's what the teachers have referred to as a 'dumpster diver.' She picks out trash I guess - recycles cans, etc. R must live in the neighborhood as so many kids do. When the other kids see his mother, they said "Hey R, isn't that your mom?" And he says "No" because he's so embarrassed and ashamed of her. Today another boy told the class how his mom works two jobs and is only home between 2am and 5am. That's it. For sleep, for everything.

This week we've been working on "Why I Will Stay Drug Free" essays. The fear is horrendous, knowing how close these kids are to drugs. Their lives are already intertwined with drugs, alcohol, violence. They share stories of arrests, beatings, etc. in class freely. One kid, D, seemed oddly obsessed with meth labs. Crystal meth this, crystal meth that. When he started to tell me how they make it with the battery acid, I shut up him. "Meth is so bad we don't ever ever ever talk about that" I said. What good does it do? Another kid asked "What's AIDS?" They should know by now; we talk about I.V. drug use. I did a little dance around that one; he didn't need all the details. Yesterday I got a great story from a boy whose mom apparently was growing a marijuana plant. He seemed so earnest when he said "They're really hard to grow! My mom rolls her own!" Oh my god, I was trying really hard NOT to laugh. I just looked at him and said "Oh. That's illegal you know." LOL! What the hell! Who cares, right? Even *I* don't give a shit about marijuana.

The big story today was someone passed a note. A gossipy note. Ms. M freaked. I mean she tore into the guilty parties like nobody's business. She's so fierce I felt scared and I didn't even do anything. They keep telling us sarcasm has no place in the classroom. I disagree. I think a well-placed sarcastic remark is quite refreshing. So everyone who admitted to passing the note lost their recess. No one would admit to writing the note. As I left for recess they all sat there dejected and complaining. Ms. M was outside talking to someone. I said (in my best sarcastic voice) "You know, you could get out of this very easily. "
How how, Ms. D? "Try telling the truth for once." Well, that didn't go over well because you see, NO ONE was guilty! The note wrote itself! Everybody in prison is innocent! They immediately started chattering about their innocence. I kept walking.

TV Alert! I am so pissed. Last night I forgot to tape Nip/Tuck and tonight I forgot to tape Jericho and last Sat. I forgot to watch Kidnapped! My TV watching is going down the tubes! No pun intended. Luckily NBC ran the full Kidnapped episode online. And pathetically, I watched it ONLINE. Because I LOVE that show and the fact that they cancelled it still frosts me to no end. I still have about two Nip/Tucks on tape I need to watch. Something tells me I'll be catching up on DVD again.

Well, that's it from the down and dirty barrio of my life kids. Acne Cat is sitting on the bed sleeping. Tomorrow I have to take my midterm after teaching, then come back and buy new tires. Joy. Just what I wanted to spend my money on. Tires. I hear they're all the rage now. Halloween is coming up and I have nothing exciting planned. It'll be mayhem at school. I can smell a lockdown coming....