Money Matters

Ah...money. Such a delicate matter. I was brought up to believe that one didn't discuss money amongst polite company. However, after reading my friend Sandy's blog, and the comments on that blog, I've been thinking a lot about money and this dreadful economy. I've also been thinking about my recent blog asking people to donate to a cause I felt deeply about, if they could. And besides, I don't know any polite company, so what the hell. ; ) (Kidding, of course).

First of all, I'm no Suze Orman, and for that, I thank God every day. Seriously, I can't stand that woman. She does have some decent advice, but something about her rubs me the wrong way. So anyway, now that we all understand I'm no financial expert, let's move on.

I've made a lot of mistakes with money over the years. I was a spender. I was a shopper. I admit this. I shopped a lot during the early years of my illness, right after my dad died and I had inherited a good chunk of change. I felt if I had to endure such unrelenting pain and fatigue in my life, I was going to have what I wanted. Looking back now, I wish I had been a little more prudent with my money. But what's done is done. I am very prudent with what's left and I can't do anything about the past but learn from it.

I know people who have no money, but who are the most generous souls on the face of the earth. They would literally give you the proverbial shirt off their back. I know people with a fair amount of money who are so cheap that my teeth clench when I think of them, because I despise pathological cheapness, not just because I think it's absolutely insane, but because it becomes part of a person's personality. Apparently these people think that you CAN take it with you, and they have no generosity of spirit either. I have found you can tell a LOT about a person by looking at how they handle his/her money.

I think Sandy made some very valid points in her blog and so did every one who commented. I didn't feel (and this is my humble opinion) that anyone needed to apologize or justify their money situation. Right now, I think most of us are running a little scared, or a lot scared. Yes, I do have some family members that have not been affected by the economy at all. I do have some friends who aren't in danger of losing their jobs. I do know people that have come into a fair amount of money through inheritances - but I also know those people would no doubt trade that money in a milisecond to have the people back that left it to them.

I feel embarrassed, because I didn't know how bad it is right now for some of my friends. Not that people go around advertising stuff like that. Hey, I will say I've started cutting and USING coupons! I've never done that. But I will still eat - coupons or not. I have made concessions to the fact that I am without full time work, but I am still OK enough to do things like get my hair dyed. I decided to quit doing highlights because I think my hair looks better with one colour, and also, it's cheaper. Every month I get a tiny amount of interest off my savings. I've been living a bit off savings, the interest, the money I make as a sub, and my incredibly generous mother, who helps me every few months. I'm not embarrassed to say that. Without her, I'd be in trouble. She helps me with therapy, with my insanely high health insurance deductible, and with my medical costs - dr. bills and lab bills and pharmacy bills. I try to help my mom in any way I can, and she knows I will be there for her until her dying day. I am eternally grateful to her, but also, let's face it, at my age, I want and need to be totally self-sufficient. But I'm not going to be stupid about it. I need help now, and I take it, even if sometimes I do wish I didn't have to. It's actually not easy to admit this.

I am scared. I thought teaching and education would be a stable field. It's turned out to be anything but for me. The only thing that makes me really angry is when people have a lot of money and don't appreciate it. The same goes for health insurance. You see, when you get an illness at 26, and there are years where you truly couldn't work, you realize how easily your life can change, and NOT for the better. You live in a different world than others your age and you are never the same.

I am very, very lucky that I had a cushion; I had my parents, thank God. But now I see how one truly horrible (i.e. cancer, MS, ALS, etc) illness can wipe you out. I know how expensive it is to get private insurance. It's obscene. I know what it's like now to be uninsurable - for a condition some people STILL believe isn't real. Is that rich or what? Pun totally intended. I see people who have never been sick, have never been without insurance and they act like they are totally immune from anything ever happening to them. I don't live in their world anymore. They don't know what it's like to not be able to work, to be terrified of losing your insurance or not being able one day to pay the huge premiums. Since I 'laid myself off' from that last Job From Hell, I've been scared shitless. I feel like I need to hang onto my insurance forever...because how long do I wait in a job before let it go? What if I'm given that proverbial pink slip? It seems only the shittiest teachers get the tenure for life.

I have a friend who's a teacher who probably brings home $27,000 a year. IN LOS ANGELES. She has no health insurance. She works for a private school that, in my opinion, is totally taking advantage of her. But her only other option was to spend another year sitting on her couch, not working. What's she supposed to do?

Am I supposed to be making a point with this blog? I think I was but now I'm rambling. I guess I just wanted to say I understand all of my friends are in slightly different situations. I do think Americans with money have the right to be prudent with it, but if Americans who ARE very comfortable and secure never start spending again, the economy will stay this way forever. I agree with Sandy on that. I also know a few friends who fear they may not have jobs 6 months from now. I fear for myself on that matter. My brother is in a horrible position, working for a sadistically cruel and insane (I mean that) boss and he's about to crack. He wants to leave his job. But he makes a FORTUNE - especially for the state he lives in. What to do? His wife seems to have really insane job stability, unless there's something I don't know about. I swear a nuclear war could happen and the cockroaches would be crawling around and my sister-in-law would go to her job. A government job - but not all government jobs have this kind of security, so I don't know what the hell it is that makes her job so secure.

And yet I know people for whom food is becoming a luxury. I myself spend an inordinate amount of time trying to spend the least at the supermarket. I am in no danger of starving, but shit, when did food get so expensive? Even CAT food. I am cutting coupons for CAT food. It's too late for me, isn't it? I have become the crazy cat lady.

I heard something on the radio the other day that broke my heart into a million pieces; some people are doing so poorly they can't even keep their animals. They are bringing them to shelters. Those are probably the lucky ones who weren't abandoned when a house was foreclosed on or someone had to leave an apartment and couldn't find anyone to take their cat or dog. Anyone who knows me knows what a total sucker I am for animals. I will cry harder for a sad animal story than I will for anything else.

I think I'll end this now because it didn't quite turn out to be the blog I wanted it to be. I just wanted to say that I don't believe anyone needs to apologize for his/her financial situation. I have friends doing much better than I am, and some doing worse, and some doing about the same. I think this is the scariest time I have ever seen in my life, in terms of the future. I think people like Bernie Madoff should burn in Hell a thousand times over, along with all those other greedy sons-of-bitches on Wall Street. I think I should've done what V is doing so I might actually have a job come September. I think everything I've done is a mistake. I think I don't know what to think anymore. I pretty much despise corporate America and have my entire life. I've always wanted to do something like teach, or be a nurse, or be in some helping profession where you are paid next to nothing for the work you do. Apparently I am an idiot. It sounds soooooooooooo cliched, but I wanted to spend my life making a difference. I didn't want to go to my grave thinking, yeah, I had fancy cars and big TV's and ten computers but essentially I spent all my time working for some fucking lousy corporation I could not give a shit about in the end.

I just realized the title of this blog can be taken two ways. Yes, money matters. And I wish nothing but good fortune and comfort and security for all my friends, wherever you are financially.