Fin.
Freedom.
The nightmare of the past nine months
is officially over.
I'm credentialed and at least 10 years has been
shaved off my life.
I get to sleep in tomorrow. I can watch TV. I can go to the
movies or watch DVD's without worrying about those fucking
nasty bitches or that rotten program or those stupid assignments.
I can visit my friends (yes I do have some left) and go out to dinner
and lie on the floor staring at the ceiling if I want to.
I am free from the clutches of those old, wrinkled, inefficient, insulting,
lying, manipulative cows.
It's gonna take me a few days to process the fact that I'm free.
Looking for a job will be a piece of cake next to what we went through.
I look forward to speaking to people I haven't even talked to since last August - before I went through this meat grinder.
Also, what's up with this font? I've changed it in the 'edit' portion of this blog about ten times and it still comes out looking huge.
What's it all look like to you guys?
Thursday, May 24, 2007
Wednesday, May 23, 2007
I Forget You Forever
It is over now.
So many things.
Tomorrow,
my last class, my last assignment
the last time I will likely ever see most
of the 16 people I have lived so closely with
the last 9 months.
It is over now.
An 8 year friendship - ended in a split second of
rage and misery. What is left - a package of books
sent in the mail, a key to my front door, someone who
I thought was my best friend changing the locks on her door
I never knew what hit me
She never told me why
It was over before I knew it
Eight years and a week of grieving
sighing, why why why?
I had lunch with her on Sunday and by Monday it
was finished
I'd tell you if I knew what caused this death
and it was a death indeed - a murder of me - but still I breathe
I never saw her; she hid in her bathroom when I came to her house to pick up my videotape from her husband (he'd taped me for my portfolio)
I never spoke to her; she left a screaming message on my machine
I was unable to find out what I'd done, what I'd said to cause
such immense rage
Though now, almost two weeks out, I suspect it had little to do with me
Projection is a great defence
Still
I grieve
and wake up and think
I will call this person, my friend and tell her
"Oh you will not believe what happened. One day I had a friend and the next I did not. You see, someone died; she died in a car accident and I never had a chance to say goodbye." But she didn't die. She just erased me completely from her existence.
There is no rhyme or reason despite my persistence
in wondering, wondering, wondering.
No one, man or woman, has ever, ever, ever treated me with such harshness, such coldness, such utter indifference
She called my mother up crying the night she flipped out
She is 43 and could not face me, but called my mommy???
I do not understand this.
Her timing was impeccable. I spent the last week of student teaching
in a daze - stunned, shocked. I cried at my 'graduation' ceremony. I was walking in a surreal world of obligations and incriminations
My students were my sweet salvation and amazed me on my last day with notes, cards, flowers, and hugs that seemed never ending. I cried and did not want to go.
I wrote my portfolio in a dizzy mad state - for four days I did nothing but sit at the computer and type and scan and attach and click and type until my eyes blurred from the glare of the screen and the burning of my tears
She never called, she never wrote, she never faced me
She went insane and surely you must be thinking "Well you had to have done something for her to act this way"
Ah yes of course!
You see, Monday, May 14th we were on the phone; I was very stressed, very pressured, very PMSy and crying and asking her for the digital tape that her husband had videotaped me with because he was a stubborn fool who wouldn't admit he didn't know what the hell he was doing and my video for my portfolio wasn't working - I'd just come from a friend's house where we tried to work it out on a CD but it wasn't working - so I called her, quite upset, and was doing something stupid. I was on my cell phone, crying, not paying attention and almost got hit by a car as I went right through a stop sign. I dropped the phone as I veered the car to the right and pulled over. I tried to call her back. She wouldn't answer the phone.
I knew why. She thought I'd hung up on her. I tried to tell her I didn't. I told her I almost got hit by a car and dropped the phone to grab the steering wheel and slam on the brakes. She refused to believe me. She insisted I hung up on her and 'she would not be treated that way' - my god, it was my life or staying on the phone with her. My instinct to stay alive and not get hit simply overwhelmed me and I dropped the cell phone as a reflex and it closed shut and hung up.
OK. So THAT was the straw the broke this woman's back? Who knows.
Her behavior became insane, irrational, nuts. And in a matter of hours, it was all over. Eight years with someone I trusted, I thought was a dear friend, someone I'd spent so much time with, someone I opened myself up to.
At this moment, I feel I never want to do that again. I feel if she can do this to me, anyone can do anything to me. I don't trust anyone. I am afraid to even try and trust anyone ever again. I feel I want to crawl up into a tiny ball and never ever let anyone inside again. No one will hurt me like this again. Never, ever, ever, ever, ever.
She is 300+ pounds and sits in the house all day. She does nothing. Her perogative - but sometimes I wondered what the hell we had in common. Now forgive me if I offend anyone because I've gained quite a bit of weight over the course of the program which I am already shedding due to the stress of this week...but this is the second morbidly obese friend I've had and well...these people seem to have more issues than National Geographic as they say. I'm sensing a pattern here.
Oh God yes I've got problems. I'm in a constant state of trying and not always succeeding, to better myself. I'm the first to admit my fucked-upness.
She won't. She'd rather throw me away like a piece of trash. And change the locks on her door. I went over when she was out of town, simply to put her bag of books I'd had inside her hallway. I was going to leave the key under the mat. I've never, ever, ever gone over to her house and used her key without permission. I felt like someone had kicked me in the stomach when I realized what she'd done. She CHANGED THE FUCKING LOCKS? These people were like my family. Her husband was my good friend too. They BOTH did this to me? I felt like they thought I was some kind of thief. I was degraded. I tossed the key in the street.
In the middle of one her Weight Watchers books she'd loaned me (obviously she wasn't using them) I left a note - the name of a psychiatric center near her house. I told her she needed help. Nasty maybe. But true.
No relationship in my life, be it with a boyfriend or a female friend, has ever ended so horribly. But I will not sit and wonder what I did anymore. I have no idea. Even if I had hung up on her, did that warrant her hiding in her bathroom from me? Calling my mom at midnight? Changing the locks on her door? Spending $13 to mail my books back to me when she could've just dropped them off on my doorstep while I was at work? We live three minutes away from each other. What in the holy fuck happened to her? I don't even know that person.
I cannot take anymore craziness.
This has completely colored the end of my program, which as you know, has been a real nightmare.
But the end is here.
And I will forget her forever.
And I will move on.
Sadder but no wiser.
It is over now.
So many things.
Tomorrow,
my last class, my last assignment
the last time I will likely ever see most
of the 16 people I have lived so closely with
the last 9 months.
It is over now.
An 8 year friendship - ended in a split second of
rage and misery. What is left - a package of books
sent in the mail, a key to my front door, someone who
I thought was my best friend changing the locks on her door
I never knew what hit me
She never told me why
It was over before I knew it
Eight years and a week of grieving
sighing, why why why?
I had lunch with her on Sunday and by Monday it
was finished
I'd tell you if I knew what caused this death
and it was a death indeed - a murder of me - but still I breathe
I never saw her; she hid in her bathroom when I came to her house to pick up my videotape from her husband (he'd taped me for my portfolio)
I never spoke to her; she left a screaming message on my machine
I was unable to find out what I'd done, what I'd said to cause
such immense rage
Though now, almost two weeks out, I suspect it had little to do with me
Projection is a great defence
Still
I grieve
and wake up and think
I will call this person, my friend and tell her
"Oh you will not believe what happened. One day I had a friend and the next I did not. You see, someone died; she died in a car accident and I never had a chance to say goodbye." But she didn't die. She just erased me completely from her existence.
There is no rhyme or reason despite my persistence
in wondering, wondering, wondering.
No one, man or woman, has ever, ever, ever treated me with such harshness, such coldness, such utter indifference
She called my mother up crying the night she flipped out
She is 43 and could not face me, but called my mommy???
I do not understand this.
Her timing was impeccable. I spent the last week of student teaching
in a daze - stunned, shocked. I cried at my 'graduation' ceremony. I was walking in a surreal world of obligations and incriminations
My students were my sweet salvation and amazed me on my last day with notes, cards, flowers, and hugs that seemed never ending. I cried and did not want to go.
I wrote my portfolio in a dizzy mad state - for four days I did nothing but sit at the computer and type and scan and attach and click and type until my eyes blurred from the glare of the screen and the burning of my tears
She never called, she never wrote, she never faced me
She went insane and surely you must be thinking "Well you had to have done something for her to act this way"
Ah yes of course!
You see, Monday, May 14th we were on the phone; I was very stressed, very pressured, very PMSy and crying and asking her for the digital tape that her husband had videotaped me with because he was a stubborn fool who wouldn't admit he didn't know what the hell he was doing and my video for my portfolio wasn't working - I'd just come from a friend's house where we tried to work it out on a CD but it wasn't working - so I called her, quite upset, and was doing something stupid. I was on my cell phone, crying, not paying attention and almost got hit by a car as I went right through a stop sign. I dropped the phone as I veered the car to the right and pulled over. I tried to call her back. She wouldn't answer the phone.
I knew why. She thought I'd hung up on her. I tried to tell her I didn't. I told her I almost got hit by a car and dropped the phone to grab the steering wheel and slam on the brakes. She refused to believe me. She insisted I hung up on her and 'she would not be treated that way' - my god, it was my life or staying on the phone with her. My instinct to stay alive and not get hit simply overwhelmed me and I dropped the cell phone as a reflex and it closed shut and hung up.
OK. So THAT was the straw the broke this woman's back? Who knows.
Her behavior became insane, irrational, nuts. And in a matter of hours, it was all over. Eight years with someone I trusted, I thought was a dear friend, someone I'd spent so much time with, someone I opened myself up to.
At this moment, I feel I never want to do that again. I feel if she can do this to me, anyone can do anything to me. I don't trust anyone. I am afraid to even try and trust anyone ever again. I feel I want to crawl up into a tiny ball and never ever let anyone inside again. No one will hurt me like this again. Never, ever, ever, ever, ever.
She is 300+ pounds and sits in the house all day. She does nothing. Her perogative - but sometimes I wondered what the hell we had in common. Now forgive me if I offend anyone because I've gained quite a bit of weight over the course of the program which I am already shedding due to the stress of this week...but this is the second morbidly obese friend I've had and well...these people seem to have more issues than National Geographic as they say. I'm sensing a pattern here.
Oh God yes I've got problems. I'm in a constant state of trying and not always succeeding, to better myself. I'm the first to admit my fucked-upness.
She won't. She'd rather throw me away like a piece of trash. And change the locks on her door. I went over when she was out of town, simply to put her bag of books I'd had inside her hallway. I was going to leave the key under the mat. I've never, ever, ever gone over to her house and used her key without permission. I felt like someone had kicked me in the stomach when I realized what she'd done. She CHANGED THE FUCKING LOCKS? These people were like my family. Her husband was my good friend too. They BOTH did this to me? I felt like they thought I was some kind of thief. I was degraded. I tossed the key in the street.
In the middle of one her Weight Watchers books she'd loaned me (obviously she wasn't using them) I left a note - the name of a psychiatric center near her house. I told her she needed help. Nasty maybe. But true.
No relationship in my life, be it with a boyfriend or a female friend, has ever ended so horribly. But I will not sit and wonder what I did anymore. I have no idea. Even if I had hung up on her, did that warrant her hiding in her bathroom from me? Calling my mom at midnight? Changing the locks on her door? Spending $13 to mail my books back to me when she could've just dropped them off on my doorstep while I was at work? We live three minutes away from each other. What in the holy fuck happened to her? I don't even know that person.
I cannot take anymore craziness.
This has completely colored the end of my program, which as you know, has been a real nightmare.
But the end is here.
And I will forget her forever.
And I will move on.
Sadder but no wiser.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)