MadameBastet-Firing-Neurons

And There Is Nothing to Fear But Fear Itself

That FDR, what a wise one he was. I've been struggling
with this concept since 1988. Probably struggling my whole
life, but it all came into brutal focus in 1988. A long story which I
don't feel like talking about or writing now. So tomorrow
morning at the ungodly hour of 5am I shall be whisked off
to LAX for my flight to Chicago. All excitement seems to
have been replaced by trepidation, insecurity, and yes,
fear. Fear of flying, mostly. I think the only plane ride I
wasn't afraid of was the first one I ever took, in 1976 when
I was 9 and my parents took me to almost all the islands
of Hawai'i. After that I adopted my mother's fear of flying.
Fear is contagious...not a good thing to pass down to your
kids, whether by genes or example. Or course, the engine
blowing out in 1996 coming back from Hawai'i didn't help
that fear any; that flight was between ValuJet and TWA
800. Ugh. I feel for Catzy and her back; I woke up in a LOT
of pain today. Although I'm not in a conscious panic mode,
I'm sure my body is stressed and so comes the pain. I hope
we both feel better once we're in Chicago.

Part of my brain is screaming, "What the hell are you doing?"
and the other part is saying calmly, "I'm trying to live my life
you motherfucker. Go away." Seems it's been that way for
as long as I can remember.

I'm actually anxious about a lot of things. Next Monday I will
get my CSET scores...the closer it gets, the worse I feel I did.
And the inherent fear of starting a whole new life...starting
school again on the 29th for my credential. Wow. It's really
happening. I'm not an art history teacher anymore; I've been
living in this netherworld for a year and now I shall be a student
again and oh boy do I prefer being the teacher! I cannot wait to
have my own classroom. I have signed up for four classes - is that
too much, considering I haven't taken 4 classes in anything since
college? I didn't even do that much in grad school because I worked
so much and the classes were so intense. I don't know what to
expect.

I expect that gnawing pressure of always having homework
and studying hanging over me, for certain. But I know I have to do
this to get where I want to go.

SK wrote a sad and yet thought-provoking bloggy about his
baby girl losing a tooth. Completely took me back to my own
horrific experience losing my teeth. I didn't tell the whole story -
how I also broke my nose, fractured my jaw, how the school
aides at lunch sent me to the bathroom ALONE and I looked
in the mirror and saw this bloody, terrifying apparition looking
back at me. How my dad almost fainted when he saw how bad my
teeth were. But I did tell the truth regarding the most important
part - my teeth were shoved back into their little spaces, my mouth
wired shut and oh youth, great youth, how their little strong, young
roots regenerated themselves. I don't have the most stunning teeth
in the world, but they're mine, they're straight and they work. I hope
good news comes for A. as well.

I am getting my hair done today and by that I mean the whole
9 yards. Colour, highlights, lowlights, cut - ugh. I'll be there for
at least two hours. I'm essentially done packing and hopefully
have not put anything into my carry on that will be deemed
unsafe in this now even-crazier world. Thank you, fucking
terrorists who should all just be shot for causing all this madness.

SK's blog was interesting because after he spoke of A.'s tooth
he spoke of maya and life and illusion and while I probably
couldn't explain it to anyone if I tried, I understood every word
so implicitly it was like he took the very words and thoughts from
my soul and I felt a oneness with him, with the world when I
read it. It's as if he opened the door to his own being and I peeked
inside for a moment and said, "Ah hah, I recognise myself" and
then the door was closed. Are we not all truly, essentially the same
on some profoundly fundamental level?

I am bathing Zoe in kisses (Fletcher is too busy walking around
hunting for nothing to stay still for kisses) and she seems to have
no idea why. I do this every time I go on a trip - my babies, my sweet
angels. They are so lucky to have Aunt Gena taking care of them and
they don't have to leave the luxury (and I mean luxury) of their home.
The funny thing about me - I'm living my life in future tense now, almost
wanting the trip to be over with so I can come home. Then when it's over
it'll be like it never happened and I'll want to go back to it. God it's so
easy to live in the moment when you're 6 years old; your brain is not
hard-wired for this kind of thinking. You can't really comprehend the
past or the future. Why can't I hold onto this lesson, to stay in the
present moment? It's like trying to catch water in your hands....it just
falls right through them. And my brain is not 6 years old, is it?

Catzy said blogger is not allowing pictures. I'm going to test it out now,
though I do believe her. I'm wondering why though. It is highly
annoying. Wish me luck kids...I'll be back Saturday night, with great
Churchy Chicago tales...so stay tuned!