Speechless

I apologize for the different fonts and font sizes in this post; blogger is really fucked up and I can't do anything with it now. I truly don't have the words to fully express what happened to me yesterday at work. I will do my best to put it in words; but suffice it to say it was the worst day I've ever had in my life in a classroom. I went to work at a school and had two classes that essentially rioted the entire time I was there. I was afraid for my safety. Emotionally I thought I was going to crack, I was so angry. I called the main office to ask for security or a Dean or someone to get to my bungalow because the kids were totally and completely out of control and had been from the absolute second they walked into the classroom and realized their teacher wasn't there. If you saw what happened in a movie, you wouldn't believe it. You'd think the filmmakers were exaggerating for effect. I swear on my life, here's a sampling of what went on:

They threw history textbooks into a large trash bin
They tore pages out of books and threw them in crumpled balls across the room
They climbed on top of their desks
They opened and shut both the door and the window constantly
They were screaming, laughing and swearing the entire time
They were basically out of their seats the entire time (each class was 1 1/2 hours)
They threw math textbooks across the room
They smashed the math calculators and threw them across the room in pieces
They repeatedly threw pencils into the ceiling and at each other, and me
They stole the referral forms (to the dean) off my desk
They tipped each other over in their desks
They hit, slap and kicked each other and called each other filthy names
They wrote things like "Slut" and "Rape" on the whiteboard
When the first class got out, they walked out screaming "FUCK YOU MS. D! WE HATE YOU MS. D! YOU'RE A MEAN BITCH!"

I had absolutely no control. They walked in at the beginning of class at just went apeshit. I left at lunch and refused to work the last period. I wanted SECURITY to come in and sit with me the entire time. Apparently this school doesn't have any security. These are the most disturbed, fucked up kids I've ever seen. You can see the crazy in their eyes. They fought with me, they defied everything I told them to do, they laughed in my face. The Dean DID ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. She stood IN THE DOORWAY - didn't even come fully into the classroom, for about ten minutes and did NOT SAY A WORD TO ME OR THE STUDENTS.

The minute she left, they started acting like animals again. I have never been so traumatised as I was yesterday. I was shaking as I went to the office. I didn't cry until I got into my car and off the campus. I am still reliving the day in my mind. No matter what I've tried to do today, I can't stop thinking about what happened.

LAUSD has a policy where you can request NOT to be sent to a certain school for jobs - BUT - and this is so rich I can't believe it - you have to be PHYSICALLY INJURED IN AN ACT OF VIOLENCE AT SAID SCHOOL in order to never have to go back to the school. You have to be hurt. Perhaps permanently.

So because I managed to avoid getting a pencil stuck in my eye, or a textbook barely missed my head, I probably don't have a case. Nevertheless, Monday morning I will be calling LAUSD, filing a complaint against the school, and telling them I will never go back there. I am going to call the principal of the school on Monday as well and tell them never to bring me back to that school.

I feel like the last four years of my life have been a total waste. Unless I can get a job in a private school that pays well, I have done everything for naught. You couldn't pay me enough to work in LAUSD permanently. My body hurt so much today and I couldn't figure out why my fibromyalgia was so bad. Duh! I'd just been through hell yesterday. Needless to say, I did not sleep well again last night.

I should feel sorry for these kids but I don't. They are taking up space on the planet. They are waste cases who will do nothing but fill the juvenile and adult prison systems, waste our tax money, get on drugs, deal drugs, fuck and create even more damaged kids, live off welfare and tax the shit out of the mental health system in the county. You truly, truly don't even want to know my worst thoughts about these kids. They belong in a military school with a boot up each one of their asses. I don't think you'd like me very much if you knew what I think should be done with these monsters.

Natasha Richardson, RIP

You know, I am aware that in this world of six + billion people, thousands upon thousands of people die unfair deaths every single day. I'm also aware I live in a celebrity-obsessed culture that often fixates on a celebrity to the exclusion of much more important things.

However. That being said, I am really just devastated by this poor woman's death. I don't even know why. It's not like I was especially into her or her acting. Certainly I knew who she was, and that she came from an acting dynasty. Perhaps it's because we're close in age, and her death seems like a freakish accident that could happen to any of us - and we don't even have to be taking a ski lesson. One small slip in the bathroom...

I haven't had a decent night's sleep in weeks. I'm highly strung out and emotional. Maybe that's it. Some things are happening in my life making me feel highly out of control already. Perhaps seeing someone who is apparently fine and talking one hour and probably dead the next is just a bit disconcerting. Are we all just one little fall from the abyss?

I don't know and I don't even feel like analyzing why I am so saddened over this stranger's death. Was it Stalin that said "One death is a tragedy, a million deaths a statistic"? Perhaps this one death is just easier for me and my Western European-bred, American-raised mind to wrap itself around.

Life sucks. It's unfair. Kids get cancer. People get run over in the street. They die of starvation on a planet with plenty of food and are killed by falling trees and IED's and suicide bombers. They die on the bunny slopes of a ski resort. I know better than to look for fair in this world.

God Bless her sons. To lose a parent at any age is a devastating loss. To lose a parent when you are 12 or 13 years old - I can't imagine it. Especially losing your mother...and God Bless everyone who lost someone yesterday. Not everyone will receive the massive coverage this one woman will. But I know there are many, many hurting people out there.

Happy St. Patrick's Day!!

Just a few updates from my oh so exciting life...for the millions of readers of this blog. ;)

Sarcasm is alive and well today!

I took my last two exams on Saturday and something rather freaky deaky happened. I either aced them both or failed them miserably because I thought they were both waaaaaaay easy. Especially the linguistics one. It was one of those testing situations where you feel totally off kilter - like they're playing a trick on you or something. Paranoid? Me? No. So I'll find out if I passed or failed on April 13th. I am SO looking forward to doing some more Tom Cruise couch jumping. Please God - let it be!

I have been working a lot more. Yesterday I worked at a middle school and - hold onto your hats folks- I had 6 good classes. I mean, really good. The first period was so quiet I wasn't even sure the kids were alive. It was a GOOD day. I think I'm working tomorrow at the same school for some other teacher. And I almost always work Thursdays and Fridays. I'm hoping to make enough money this month to cover my insane rent. Teachers are getting burned out at this time of year. I should know. I almost cracked at the beginning of last April.

I switched taking my AD from taking it at night to taking it in the morning. I think it's helping the insomnia. Night before last I woke up at 3:30 a.m. and never went back to sleep; just went to work, like a zombie. Last night I took one Tylenol PM and slept the whole night - with the TV on - which I never do. When I saw the sun this morning I almost wept.

So I was thinking about my paternal grandmother, Nanny Pat, today. (Yes, we called her Nanny). I always think of her on St. Patrick's Day because her family came here from Ireland. YES! I am part Irish! I'm pretty sure, except for my Dad's grandpa, who came here from Germany at the turn of the 20th century, that almost all my relatives came here from somewhere in the British Isles. I am not doing anything especially Irish today, haha. Going to dinner with me mum tonight, that's all.

I'm actually going to my friend Cheri's school today for a fundraiser and to meet her class of second graders. She pretty much hates second grade but had to take what she got last year. You should hear how she talks about some of the kids! Of course it's no worse than how I talked about my 5th grade class. Teachers are horrible people, privately. Heh. The fundraiser involves IN N OUT burgers, and while I hardly EVER eat beef, I will make an exception for these stunning yummy cheeseburgers. I do feel kind of guilty since I almost meat-free these days. But damn why do some things have to taste so good! I try to just put it out of my mind. Denial can be a wonderful thing. Well, not for the cow.

Oh I just realized I have nothing green to wear. If these second graders try pinching me I am going to kick them like footballs through a field goal post. I told you teachers are secretly horrible people. ;)

I am listening to Pangaea. I really like it. I pray the Church comes here this summer. I am getting more excited at the prospect of possibly seeing them.

Non-sequiter - I just tried to this Frederic Fekkai dry powder that you put in your hair if you don't want to wash it. How weird is that? It's supposed to clean your hair somehow. I doubt it. It'll just look like I dumped some flour in my hair.

Ok, that's about all folks. Sorry I haven't more exciting news to report. I'm just so relieved NOT to have to study all the time. Now I have to start seriously looking for a job - getting the resumes out and stuff. If only I could PAY someone to do this for me. I HATE looking for a job. Although I'm not sure I've ever met anyone who enjoys it. Duh.