The Defeated
How far
How deep
How far down
can you be beaten
into the ground
I remembered a ghost last night
In the flickering blue light of the TV screen
And the images in my mind
Was it all a dream?
What happened to the beauty
I had inside of me?
What has happened to my humanity?
I am no one and no where
I am unrecognisable to myself
And all those around me
If you think you know me
You've been fooled too
This is a shell, some kind of debauchery
The more I've learned the less I know
The more I've seen the less I see
I turn my head away from all reflections
For if you spend time with monsters
you become a monster
and this monster is me.
Sunday, April 01, 2007
Seven Months Down, Seven Weeks to Go
It is extremely difficult for me to articulate what my second semester in this detested program has been like. Has it been any better than the first? Perhaps in some minute ways. I have finished the majority of my 6 and 8 week classes; 6 classes in 6-8 weeks was incredibly intense and all-consuming. I made an "A" in my social studies class which had to be some kind of miracle. Indeed I finished with flying colours and straight A's. For the first time in my life I have been invited to join an Honor Society - Pi Lambda Theta - the honour society for educators. Sadly my 4.0 GPA seems like a hollow victory compared with the miserable reality of this program and the sad, ineffective student teaching assignments we've been given.
I am still entrenched in two ongoing classes and projects - technology and equity and diversity. Oddly, I predicted I wouldn't like the latter but the conversations we had in that class were some of the most stimulating, enlightening and interesting conversations I've had in my life. I felt reborn after each class. I discovered so much about myself - about my prejudices, my feelings about multicultural education, bilingual education, racism...I was forced to take a good, long, hard look at myself and realise that whatever changes I ever hope to attain in any classroom I am in must begin within myself. The class has been a gift. Those of you following my progress through this Dante's Inferno of a program must realise by now I rarely have anything positive to say about any of it - so enjoy the positive comments while you can!
Technology has been helpful as I was someone who is told old to have gained much technology in college and I've been a techno-phobe for a long time. I've finally learned to do PowerPoint, and we're about to begin designing our own websites. It's a fairly easy class we have every Thursday after we leave our student teaching.
Ah...and now for the real news. The second semester of student teaching began on March 12th. Last semester I taught 5th grade and really enjoyed the students. We are forced to pick a primary grade one semester and an upper elementary grade the second semester. For some insane reason I truly believed I'd enjoy working with smaller kids since I loved my kinder experience so much last year. So I chose 2nd grade. Unfortunately I have discovered I am not cut out to teach lower primary grades. I admit it, I can't handle the little kids. I've been placed in a much better school, and in fact I'm in the math/science magnet with a class of 19 gifted students. And yet...this is not for me. The good news: I have a brilliant mentor teacher. She's in her 60's and is by far the best teacher I have ever seen in my life - and in this program to be sure. The class is very well-behaved and amazingly the kids are very kind to one another. There isn't a lot of fighting or tattling. It's just one of those fortuituous times in life when you get a class that is really exceptional in every way. That being said, I'm having a tremendously hard time with my lessons. I can't seem to bring the material down to a 7 year old's developmental level. I have always been an incredibly profound thinker; I gravitate constantly towards higher-ordered thinking and that's why I enjoyed college so much. I even found gratification working in 5th grade.
I definitely thought this would be the easier part of the program. Yes, we are teaching a full day and are attending all staff/faculty meetings and doing everything a normal teacher would - for absolutely no pay. Boy do I have some different opinions about how we train teachers in this country. The nobility crap is working against us - we should not be expected to give up a year of our lives with absolutely no pay. But that's not a matter I'm terribly concerned with now.
I have bigger fish to fry as they say. Each of us has a mentor teacher and a faculty supervisor. The supervisor comes in about 5-6 times to evaluate us on specific lessons. Last semester I had a very competent woman. This semester I knew I was going to have a woman who makes Hitler look like a humanitarian and I know hyperbole is all over that sentence, but truly, as God is my witness, I have never met a colder, meaner, nastier, more distasteful human being in my life. This woman happened to be our seminar teacher last year so as long as I did what was required of me during the seminar I could fly low and avoid her radar. I'd heard horror stories of this woman sending student teachers out crying after their lessons. My best friend had this woman as a supervisor and she almost failed my best friend who is a bright, capable, experienced T.A. and student teacher. I'm not sure there are words in any language to describe how much I loathe this woman. She is on a cruise ship now and I told my friend if I found out she fell overboard I wouldn't bat an eyelash. I don't want karma to come back and bite me on the ass - but really, I'm wondering if this woman has a heart. I wouldn't be surprised to find you could open up her back and find wires and batteries. There's something fundamentally wrong with this human being and she has our evaluations in her hands. She is arrogant, mean, cruel, revels in humiliating you, and she's impossible to please. I've done two lessons for her and I am convinced I could dance on the head of a pin and it wouldn't please her. She decimated my lesson (and the lesson didn't work - I admit it) and me the other day in class - listing every single negative thing I did without listing ANYTHING positive I did. Get this - I'm not allowed to write on the whiteboard (they used to be chalkboards). Yet I have to - but I can't turn my back on the students. So you figure out how to write something down without turning your back on your students AND not using the whiteboard in the meantime Her reality is so far from what goes on in the classroom I have to laugh at her. And pity her. My mentor teacher laughs at her and finds her extremely distasteful as well. Thankfully, my mentor teacher is fully on my side and can't stand this woman either. She is a sourpuss, never smiles and I truly have to wonder what kind of teacher she was. I pity her former students. I have no problem taking constructive criticism - I am the first one to admit I am struggling with teaching 2nd graders - but to be torn to pieces and not given anything positive to go on is totally unacceptable to me. I admit it. I was so stunned after my second lesson at lunch I went to my car and cried harder than I've cried in months. I called the woman who runs the program and left a semi-hysterical message for her telling her I was 7 weeks away from the end of this program and I want to quit.
The question is: Why am I letting this woman get to me so much? Yes, she has the power to give me a very, very bad evaluation. And we have to attach these evaluations to our portfolios and employers might see them. So I am concerned about this. But I am becoming obsessed about my next lesson - and I'm on the first day of my Spring break. I'm having a hard time enjoying myself because I can't stop thinking about what I can do to please her. Frankly, not to put too fine a point on it, but I could not give a shit what she thinks of me or my teaching. I will respect those who respect me. I have no problem respecting those I feel are truly trying to help me, not play power games with me and humiliate me. And it's not just me she does this to - it's everyone. I just happen to be a very stubborn Taurus. I already have huge issues with people telling me what to do. But I thought we'd work together to get me to be a better teacher. I didn't think I'd be raked over the coals every week.
It's taking all my concentration away from what I really need to be doing - working for the students' benefit. Even though I know 2nd grade is not for me, I am willing to stay in the classroom, learn from my brilliant mentor teacher and try to make the best of the situation. It's only 7 weeks right?
Last night, I was watching a movie - not a very good movie - and my mind started wandering. All of a sudden it struck me that I hate who I've become since I began this program. I am unhappy, negative, bitter, tired, worn out, depressed, anxious, burned out, angry, disappointed and fed up. And think - I haven't even gotten my first teaching job. I had a very telling dream last night. I dreamt I got a job - just not in teaching. I know in my heart I want to get my secondary credential in social studies - I should've done this to start with I suppose. I will teach high school - and hopefully the upper grades of high school which is not that different from teaching junior college.
Anyway...I was thinking about who I am now...and who I was before I entered the program. I feel like I was someone else before last September 5th. I feel like this has been an obstacle course. I have jumped through more hoops than an animal at the circus - we all have. Oh - and good news - I took and passed the hardest test they make us take - the RICA. It's a test to show we know how to teach children to read. It was the hardest standardized exam of my life. But I passed on the first try - and I was sicker than a dog when I took it. So according to Bush and NCLB - I'm now considered highly qualified. HA!
So why am I having such a problem with this woman? Sure, I want to tell her off. I want to sit her down and force her to give ME a lesson on the Italian Baroque in exactly 20 minutes. I want her to squirm and sweat trying to teach something I'm an expert at. She's pathetic. She's a retired elementary school teacher who has been hired by the college to supervise us and she thinks she's a professor. Does she even know what it takes to become a professor?
I have been through a lot in my almost 40 years as my readers know. The death of my father. My ongoing health issues. Fires, floods, earthquakes, suicides, growing up with a raging alcoholic, the illness of my father, my own health problems. It dawned on me - it actually dawned on me that oh my god - I had a life before these last 7 months. I was a person who went to college, who worked in the music industry. I was a publicist for a show at the Greek Theater when I was 23. I worked for Disney, I worked in the music industry. I put myself through graduate school. I taught college for 6 years. I survived the worst kind of death imaginable. I lived with my pain and fatigue everyday. I was a bereavement facilitator for 4 years. I did some of the best things of my life back then. I counseled a couple whose son immoliated himself at age 13 in their front yard. I've traveled all over the US and to Europe, Mexico, Canada. I sort of remember what sex was like. I used to read and go to movies and laugh and enjoy life despite whatever obstacles were thrown my way. The point is - I've lost myself. The price has been too high. I used to write daily. I used to read. I used to laugh more and cry much, much less. I used to have the energy to stay in touch with friends. Does it sound like I'm trying to both convince myself and remind myself I HAD a life once??? Yes, I am.
I'm on break until April 9th. My next lesson is a science lesson on sound. I'll be doing the lesson in front of my mentor teacher first. I'm still waiting to speak to the head of the hold program (though she's as useless as anything I've ever encountered)- but I will put it in writing and have it on record that I will not accept or sign a final evaluation of my work that I feel is unfairly low. I know I need help - that's just it - help! Not humiliation.
Did you think it was going to get better? So did I. But seven weeks...it isn't that long. And when I'm done, I never have to see these incompetent bitches again. Now that's something to look forward to.
It is extremely difficult for me to articulate what my second semester in this detested program has been like. Has it been any better than the first? Perhaps in some minute ways. I have finished the majority of my 6 and 8 week classes; 6 classes in 6-8 weeks was incredibly intense and all-consuming. I made an "A" in my social studies class which had to be some kind of miracle. Indeed I finished with flying colours and straight A's. For the first time in my life I have been invited to join an Honor Society - Pi Lambda Theta - the honour society for educators. Sadly my 4.0 GPA seems like a hollow victory compared with the miserable reality of this program and the sad, ineffective student teaching assignments we've been given.
I am still entrenched in two ongoing classes and projects - technology and equity and diversity. Oddly, I predicted I wouldn't like the latter but the conversations we had in that class were some of the most stimulating, enlightening and interesting conversations I've had in my life. I felt reborn after each class. I discovered so much about myself - about my prejudices, my feelings about multicultural education, bilingual education, racism...I was forced to take a good, long, hard look at myself and realise that whatever changes I ever hope to attain in any classroom I am in must begin within myself. The class has been a gift. Those of you following my progress through this Dante's Inferno of a program must realise by now I rarely have anything positive to say about any of it - so enjoy the positive comments while you can!
Technology has been helpful as I was someone who is told old to have gained much technology in college and I've been a techno-phobe for a long time. I've finally learned to do PowerPoint, and we're about to begin designing our own websites. It's a fairly easy class we have every Thursday after we leave our student teaching.
Ah...and now for the real news. The second semester of student teaching began on March 12th. Last semester I taught 5th grade and really enjoyed the students. We are forced to pick a primary grade one semester and an upper elementary grade the second semester. For some insane reason I truly believed I'd enjoy working with smaller kids since I loved my kinder experience so much last year. So I chose 2nd grade. Unfortunately I have discovered I am not cut out to teach lower primary grades. I admit it, I can't handle the little kids. I've been placed in a much better school, and in fact I'm in the math/science magnet with a class of 19 gifted students. And yet...this is not for me. The good news: I have a brilliant mentor teacher. She's in her 60's and is by far the best teacher I have ever seen in my life - and in this program to be sure. The class is very well-behaved and amazingly the kids are very kind to one another. There isn't a lot of fighting or tattling. It's just one of those fortuituous times in life when you get a class that is really exceptional in every way. That being said, I'm having a tremendously hard time with my lessons. I can't seem to bring the material down to a 7 year old's developmental level. I have always been an incredibly profound thinker; I gravitate constantly towards higher-ordered thinking and that's why I enjoyed college so much. I even found gratification working in 5th grade.
I definitely thought this would be the easier part of the program. Yes, we are teaching a full day and are attending all staff/faculty meetings and doing everything a normal teacher would - for absolutely no pay. Boy do I have some different opinions about how we train teachers in this country. The nobility crap is working against us - we should not be expected to give up a year of our lives with absolutely no pay. But that's not a matter I'm terribly concerned with now.
I have bigger fish to fry as they say. Each of us has a mentor teacher and a faculty supervisor. The supervisor comes in about 5-6 times to evaluate us on specific lessons. Last semester I had a very competent woman. This semester I knew I was going to have a woman who makes Hitler look like a humanitarian and I know hyperbole is all over that sentence, but truly, as God is my witness, I have never met a colder, meaner, nastier, more distasteful human being in my life. This woman happened to be our seminar teacher last year so as long as I did what was required of me during the seminar I could fly low and avoid her radar. I'd heard horror stories of this woman sending student teachers out crying after their lessons. My best friend had this woman as a supervisor and she almost failed my best friend who is a bright, capable, experienced T.A. and student teacher. I'm not sure there are words in any language to describe how much I loathe this woman. She is on a cruise ship now and I told my friend if I found out she fell overboard I wouldn't bat an eyelash. I don't want karma to come back and bite me on the ass - but really, I'm wondering if this woman has a heart. I wouldn't be surprised to find you could open up her back and find wires and batteries. There's something fundamentally wrong with this human being and she has our evaluations in her hands. She is arrogant, mean, cruel, revels in humiliating you, and she's impossible to please. I've done two lessons for her and I am convinced I could dance on the head of a pin and it wouldn't please her. She decimated my lesson (and the lesson didn't work - I admit it) and me the other day in class - listing every single negative thing I did without listing ANYTHING positive I did. Get this - I'm not allowed to write on the whiteboard (they used to be chalkboards). Yet I have to - but I can't turn my back on the students. So you figure out how to write something down without turning your back on your students AND not using the whiteboard in the meantime Her reality is so far from what goes on in the classroom I have to laugh at her. And pity her. My mentor teacher laughs at her and finds her extremely distasteful as well. Thankfully, my mentor teacher is fully on my side and can't stand this woman either. She is a sourpuss, never smiles and I truly have to wonder what kind of teacher she was. I pity her former students. I have no problem taking constructive criticism - I am the first one to admit I am struggling with teaching 2nd graders - but to be torn to pieces and not given anything positive to go on is totally unacceptable to me. I admit it. I was so stunned after my second lesson at lunch I went to my car and cried harder than I've cried in months. I called the woman who runs the program and left a semi-hysterical message for her telling her I was 7 weeks away from the end of this program and I want to quit.
The question is: Why am I letting this woman get to me so much? Yes, she has the power to give me a very, very bad evaluation. And we have to attach these evaluations to our portfolios and employers might see them. So I am concerned about this. But I am becoming obsessed about my next lesson - and I'm on the first day of my Spring break. I'm having a hard time enjoying myself because I can't stop thinking about what I can do to please her. Frankly, not to put too fine a point on it, but I could not give a shit what she thinks of me or my teaching. I will respect those who respect me. I have no problem respecting those I feel are truly trying to help me, not play power games with me and humiliate me. And it's not just me she does this to - it's everyone. I just happen to be a very stubborn Taurus. I already have huge issues with people telling me what to do. But I thought we'd work together to get me to be a better teacher. I didn't think I'd be raked over the coals every week.
It's taking all my concentration away from what I really need to be doing - working for the students' benefit. Even though I know 2nd grade is not for me, I am willing to stay in the classroom, learn from my brilliant mentor teacher and try to make the best of the situation. It's only 7 weeks right?
Last night, I was watching a movie - not a very good movie - and my mind started wandering. All of a sudden it struck me that I hate who I've become since I began this program. I am unhappy, negative, bitter, tired, worn out, depressed, anxious, burned out, angry, disappointed and fed up. And think - I haven't even gotten my first teaching job. I had a very telling dream last night. I dreamt I got a job - just not in teaching. I know in my heart I want to get my secondary credential in social studies - I should've done this to start with I suppose. I will teach high school - and hopefully the upper grades of high school which is not that different from teaching junior college.
Anyway...I was thinking about who I am now...and who I was before I entered the program. I feel like I was someone else before last September 5th. I feel like this has been an obstacle course. I have jumped through more hoops than an animal at the circus - we all have. Oh - and good news - I took and passed the hardest test they make us take - the RICA. It's a test to show we know how to teach children to read. It was the hardest standardized exam of my life. But I passed on the first try - and I was sicker than a dog when I took it. So according to Bush and NCLB - I'm now considered highly qualified. HA!
So why am I having such a problem with this woman? Sure, I want to tell her off. I want to sit her down and force her to give ME a lesson on the Italian Baroque in exactly 20 minutes. I want her to squirm and sweat trying to teach something I'm an expert at. She's pathetic. She's a retired elementary school teacher who has been hired by the college to supervise us and she thinks she's a professor. Does she even know what it takes to become a professor?
I have been through a lot in my almost 40 years as my readers know. The death of my father. My ongoing health issues. Fires, floods, earthquakes, suicides, growing up with a raging alcoholic, the illness of my father, my own health problems. It dawned on me - it actually dawned on me that oh my god - I had a life before these last 7 months. I was a person who went to college, who worked in the music industry. I was a publicist for a show at the Greek Theater when I was 23. I worked for Disney, I worked in the music industry. I put myself through graduate school. I taught college for 6 years. I survived the worst kind of death imaginable. I lived with my pain and fatigue everyday. I was a bereavement facilitator for 4 years. I did some of the best things of my life back then. I counseled a couple whose son immoliated himself at age 13 in their front yard. I've traveled all over the US and to Europe, Mexico, Canada. I sort of remember what sex was like. I used to read and go to movies and laugh and enjoy life despite whatever obstacles were thrown my way. The point is - I've lost myself. The price has been too high. I used to write daily. I used to read. I used to laugh more and cry much, much less. I used to have the energy to stay in touch with friends. Does it sound like I'm trying to both convince myself and remind myself I HAD a life once??? Yes, I am.
I'm on break until April 9th. My next lesson is a science lesson on sound. I'll be doing the lesson in front of my mentor teacher first. I'm still waiting to speak to the head of the hold program (though she's as useless as anything I've ever encountered)- but I will put it in writing and have it on record that I will not accept or sign a final evaluation of my work that I feel is unfairly low. I know I need help - that's just it - help! Not humiliation.
Did you think it was going to get better? So did I. But seven weeks...it isn't that long. And when I'm done, I never have to see these incompetent bitches again. Now that's something to look forward to.
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