Delayed Reaction
Wow it's been exactly one month since I blogged. I seem to be going through some kind of existential crisis (don't groan and say "another one?" haha) but my shrink has assured me it's perfectly normal. Move along people, nothing to see here.
Seriously...it has to do with my hospital stay. It's strange. When I got out, I was totally on a high. I was LOVING LIFE. Why not? I'd just CHEATED DEATH. I was euphoric for about a month. Life was good, I was beyond grateful for EVERYTHING and happy as a clam.
Then that feeling started to dissipate. That's when the anxiety started. Every little sensation in my body I took as a sign that a clot was forming; I was going to have another PE. I'd get a headache and think a clot was going to my brain. I'd breathe in and think my lungs were hurting and something was wrong. The anxiety is still here, though it's not as acute. This has lasted about a month too. Needless to say Xanax has been my best friend through this.
Now I'm in some kind of grieving process; some kind of existential "I just stared death in the face and what the fuck have I done with my life" crisis. It's bad. It hurts. I cry all the time for no reason. Well, there is a reason. It's like I FINALLY WOKE UP at age 42 - as if I was in a coma for years!!! I don't know why I'm having all these strange thoughts. I'm thinking, where did the last 20 years go? I'm not doing ANYTHING with my life now - and suddenly I want to LIVE and do EVERYTHING with my life now. Sex, drugs and rock and roll! Well, maybe not the drugs. ; )
I'm on a strange journey. The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing my doctor told me it's normal - and an essay I read by the country music artist Mary Chapin Carpenter. I was reading this book of essays people wrote on what they believe and she wrote one called "I Believe in the Learning Curve of Gratitude."
Mary Chapin Carpenter had the exact same thing happen to her. She had blood clots in her lungs. She went into a state of depression, pain, confusion, gratitude. I could've written the essay. I think it was a Godsend that I read it.
It definitely made me feel not so alone.
I've been in a major fire, held up by a gunman, been in major earthquakes, car accidenets and nothing, nothing has scared me and shaken me to my core like this experience. I know I will come out of this a stronger, better, more compassionate person.
It's just getting through it that sucks!
More later from the trenches...
2 comments:
i agree with your doctor~~what you are going through is normal. any life-threatening experience can deliver you to this point in your life. and it can make you paranoid that it will happen again.
you're right~~you'll get through it.
hugz
Trust me, i know exactly how you feel. After i beat cancer the first time, everything was glorious. The trees were greener, the air fresher, everyone fabulous. But it didn't last. It can't. We can't function like that. Same way that crazy, passionate love at the beginning can't last. It has to change or no one would get anything done!
Yes, coming down to earth is hard, realizing what you've been through. First real shot at mortality. Depression, crankiness, a desire to hide from the world, i've been through all that. The feeling of "what have i done all these years". Well, what you've done is lived your life as best as you could. In hindsight, it seems none of us have, but did we have the wisdom or experience then that we do now? Of course not. Time to give yourself a break.
I won't tell you to get a hobby or take a college course to meet people. I am up to HERE with people telling me that. However, i would suggest maybe renting a few hilarious movies, sleeping as much as you want without guilt, and continuing to shove resumes out there. And watching Family Guy. I hate animation but it really is funny.
You know what i did? I took a pottery course at the local art center in England after the first surgery. It was one night a week, a small class. And you know what, i still look back at that being a thing that helped me get thru, and which i really enjoyed. I know it's a CLASS, but not really. You pay your $$ and go. No credits, no stress, no expectations, nothing official. But sitting there, creating something from nothing, was great, and you can't help but get in conversations with the other people sitting at your table. They didn't become friends, just people to pass the time with. It was a real bright spot. And i still have a few pieces i made. I did try a drama class but they were all so serious, like they were preparing themselves for RADA!
It's the little stuff that makes the world go round. It will do more good than you think. Love you.
Post a Comment