The Bench Accident - Or How I Am The Biggest Moron in All of History

Ok, so there's a little hyperbole in the title, but still, I felt like the biggest moron in all of history after I got over the shock of being on the ground - or kind of being on the ground and half straddling a fucking bench.

Last Wednesday I was at one of my usual hell holes, subbing for LAUSD. I'd been there before but still needed a map to find the classroom. So I'm walking along, looking intently at this map, and I walk straight into a long line of benches. I was - how do I say this - parallel with it - meaning I literally fell onto the end of the bench - not the middle - I literally just slammed into it, the concrete barriers around it, tripped and fell down. It wasn't like a little gracious fall however. My entire body literally flew over the bench. The only thing that kept me from falling flat on my face (and hitting my head, thank God) were my extremities. My arms went flailing but my right leg must have hit the bench really hard because my right foot up to my inner right thigh is totally black and blue. I also had a HUGE lump on my right shin (it's gone down to almost nothing now), and I still have a massive bruise on my left knee, left arm and left elbow. I got a few cuts along the way but nothing major.

What was so awful was the utter shock of it all. One minute I'm walking along and the next it's like I've been hit by a car. It took me at least a minute to come back to reality because I couldn't figure out where I was for a minute or why I was on the ground. I was so freaked out I actually thought "Oh my god, did I hit my head? I think I would've felt it if I hit my head." I am obviously feeling the repercussions of poor Natasha Richardson's head injury and panicked for a minute. Then I realized "I think I'd know if I hit my head." These girls circled around me like a flock of birds and one was sweet enough to pick up my stuff. Other rubbernecking morons just gaped at me like the idiots they are.

But honestly, I really wasn't even embarrassed because I was in such a state of shock. I kind of wanted to cry because it hurt so much! But alas, that was out of the question. Anyway, that's the worst fall I've had since I was 9 years old and fell and knocked out my permanent teeth (they saved them). I just gathered my things and limped along to class like nothing happened and managed to get through the day - with 7 periods of some of the worst students to boot.

So, that my friends, is the bench accident. You too can be humiliated and yet not even feel it because you're in such shock you did such a stupid thing at a middle school. Anyway, less than a week later and I am still limping along, just grateful it wasn't worse. And I am VERY careful about looking where I'm going now.

Anyway, I am in a better mood tonight. I just watched Slumdog Millionaire and cried like a baby (or a woman with PMS) at the end. I LOVED it. How can you not love this movie? I think it has one of the most romantic moments in all of movie history in it but I won't spoil it if you haven't seen it. I laughed, I cried. How's that for cliched?

I am really into The Wire now. Did anyone ever watch this? Naturally I am only about seven years late on this show. I think they had their final season last year; thank God for Netflix and DVD's. It used to be on HBO and is about Baltimore cops and bad guys, haha. Sounds cliched but it's really quite brilliant and the lead detective, actor Dominic West, is adorable.

OK, so onto other things...Sandy - are you going to Chicago to see the Church? Did I misread your comment? I think you are going! Also, Eek, I was thinking about the Church's last tour in 2006 - the one where I helped out with Steve's art. They played Santa Barbara, Hollywood, Orange County AND San Diego. I sadly missed the 2004 tour completely. I know times are tougher now and I can't expect huge tours from them...I had just really hoped to see some Church friends!

OK my psycho cat Zoe is running back and forth outside my bedroom door and I keep thinking it's a person. She sooooooooooo needs a Xanax. (Don't worry, I only drug myself, not my animals).

Also, thank you Eek, for that story about your poor mum and her sinuses. Doctors are so weird. I think mine gave up on me today. He was like, go see an allergist, your immune system is shot. Oh thanks so MUCH doc! I feel great now. Bastard.

Anyway, that's it. My bruised leg and I are going to bed.

Photo: British actor Dominic West - I am indeed such a sucker for the Brits - even when they're playing Americans!