Losing the Will....


...to live. Yes, I actually think I've had too much vacation now. I know, I know, when I was in The Program (I almost wrote Pogrom - wow) - I could.not.wait. to get on holiday as those across the pond and Down Under say. December 22, 2006 was my first official day of freedom. Holiday and family madness sucked up at least a week and a half of that. Then I did spend days, blessed days, catching up on sleep, reading, reading, reading. Reading everything - filling my head with more useless information but god I crave it for some crazy reason. Reading blogs I had to abandon because of so much homework; reading websites, news, hard news, soft news, entertainment news (Britney loses her panties and I lose my lunch), Saddam dies, the world shrugs, I read and read, old magazines, Time, Newsweek, events long since passed, old news, new news, Vanity Fair - oh it's like a book to get through that mag, The New Yorker, Psychology Today, stray magazines I bought in the heat of the "I've got to read this!" moment that have been slowing growing sleepy, quiet and tired under my table. I hardly knew they were there. I have books galore all over the apartment; I must be reading at least 4 books at the same time and actually, I will finish one of them. I really will. Right now my brain hurts and I don't want to look at words. Amazing.

But god I have gotten so lazy it's scaring me. I can't seem to write back emails I owe to people, even writing this blog is taking some kind of psychic energy out of me I don't feel I have. I wanted to write a whole different blog about memory - which hopefully I will - sooner, rather than later. Catz's blog today made me start thinking long and hard about my memory, what I fixate on in the past, and the beauty and curse of having a spectacularly visual and good memory (yeah, I'm talking about myself).

I have gotten my lazy ass up and done a few things. Went to the dentist to have the tiny chip in my tooth fixed and came out with almost new-looking front teeth - for a price. Ha. I decided to do the big 'winter cleaning and organising' fest. Gave bags of clothes to the Goodwill; I tossed so much crap I didn't even know I had, organised the rest into neat little piles of: will use soon, need now, may use in the future, and the biggest pile of all: still psychologically cannot let go of some crap. That's a big pile. It's all of it isn't it, really? I saw Suzanne Somers (sp?) on the television after her house burned down in Malibu. Say what you will about celebrities - but that was her house, and all her worldly posessions were in it...and she looked so stunned, so shocked and my heart went out to her. How and why do we get so attached to mere things... I don't know...it's like building a little safety nest I suppose. And yet some people have no things they care about. Naturally I would grab my cats and myself first in an emergency but I do think of all the pictures I have that would be lost - pictures of my dad, now almost 11 years gone, pictures that can't be replaced. GOD I have got to make the copies and put the originals somewhere safe. Why do I put off doing things like this? So my things I would not want to lose...my books, and pictures and journals and little things people have given me. Sentiment is at the root of it all I'm sure. If I just didn't give a shit...

Then I decided in addition to losing the crap I needed to lose major weight; I cleaned out all the cupboards - have started over from scratch which I've actually never really done, despite saying I'm starting over. Sure, I've tried to diet and diets fail. This is just slowly changing my eating habits. And my eating habits had begun to appall even me and I've never been the queen of healthy eating. Pushing 40 might do that to you - time to shape up or ship out. Outta time baby. 30 was a warning bell - you ignored it and now the Moment has come. You ain't gettin' out of this one alive. Oh shit, you're right! Goddamn, I'm not. I'm really fucking not. I'm not gonna be young forever. I'm not going to be the 25 year old I am in my head. Little strange things are happening to my body. I'm really gonna die someday? But does anyone really comprehend THAT one? So I always had a fairly thin, nice figure - not model thing - I have boobs and look like a woman, not a 12 year old boy - but man I rocked it once in my early 20's with my body for a while. Those were good times. I had youth and a great metabolism and health on my side. Now...of course the fucking ominpresent fatigue and pain of fms, the gift that just keeps on giving, doesn't help. In fact it keeps me constantly screwed up but I just have to live with it. It ain't going away. I don't know that the Beast and I have made any peace at all on a daily basis - well, maybe some...but over the long haul, the last 13 years, I've acquiesced, kicking and screaming the entire way. But even I know I can't really win this one. I decided I didn't have to let it take over my entire being however and turn me into the Pillsbury Dough Boy's friggin' wife. I really went to hell in a handbasket last semester eating everything in sight. I can only blame the medication for starting my weight gain 2 1/2 years ago. I've kept it going. Me and Oprah. We've got food issues, haha. Yep, I think it's safe to say I'm never gonna do hard drugs and Grey Goose just isn't as comforting as an entire bag of chips. What can I say? I guess it took a looming big birthday to shake me to my to my senses and make me realise if I eat for every screwed up emotion I can't or don't want to deal with I'm gonna have to rent another apartment for myself. Oh and don't think my ego hasn't been blown to hell. *I* remember the girl with the rockin' bod, the long legs, the size 6 mini-skirts. Well, reality says I'll never be a size 6 again but really, I can still get back to a pretty decent body -and more importantly, a healthy body.

Anyway, so from December 28 to this moment I've eaten healthier than I ever have in my life! yay! I've had veggies with practically every dinner! I've had fruit, whole grains, lean chicken and fish! Do I feel renewed with loads of energy! No. Sorry. In fact I've had a shit few days here with The Beast - sometimes I think it's easier to deal with the pain when I'm in class. I can't focus on it so much. I'm sure the good eating will help in time. At least it helps my overall healthy, if not my chronic pain directly.

Which brings me back to....I'm doing so little on this extended vacation that I swear I'm just going to disappear into the couch one day. Maybe they're be a little puddle of me left somewhere. I'm still reading, but less. I'm watching old movies late, late at night. Jesus, I didn't go to sleep until 5am this morning. My sleeping is officially fucked up. I've been sucked into the morass of cable TV showing my past at 2:30am and like some junkie, I can't turn it off. I just sit and stare and suck it all in.

I need to go back to school. As much as it pains me to say it, and I am not looking forward to the idiocy of the morons running the Program, I need to get back on a schedule. I get off of my routine for too long, the Beast takes over, the Melancholy finds me, and it's woe-is-me for days on end. I start to not even get dressed some days. I wander the apartment in depressed haze. I uguess I really pissed off my *friends* when I was busy trying to get my credential last semester because they don't seem interested in seeing me now or doing anything. Fuck 'em. I've kind of had it with people. I'm on a real anti-people mood now. A 'my friends can suck it' kind of mood. LOL! How to win friends and influence people. Well, we all know I've never exactly been queen of the ball, or belle of the ball or however the hell you say it. Miss Congeniality. Not.

This semester we have 6 weeks of classes and then we're supposed to do 9 weeks of full-day teaching; it's our classroom student teaching.

Oh but I forgot to mention the monkey wrench - because there's always one in there somewhere. The teachers are about to strike. In March. Exactly at the same time we're supposed to student teach. Can you believe this timing? I've got no respect for the union - pussies and fat cats. Teachers have had a union for HOW LONG????? And they fucking fight for crumbs. Teachers still make shit salaries but union reps and school board members and superintendents are paid quite well - shit, our new superintendent is getting $300,000 a year, a a car, a house, benefits - and what's he gonna do for LAUSD? What the hell good is the union doing?? Why haven't they gotten teachers the money they deserve? I have no sympathy for them. Fuck the union - they've failed in my eyes. I was forced to join the union when I taught college - and I mean forced. I HAD to pay union dues - it wasn't a choice. Why do teachers need a union anyway? Why can't we be considered white collar professionals like doctors or lawyers? Why the victim mentality? Oh poor us, poor teachers. I'm so sick of it.

So go strike for your 5 % raise or your extra $50 for faculty meanings but it's all meaningless to me. I know what I'm walking into. Just pull your shit together by March so I can teach and do what I love to do. And because as great as vacations are, I don't need another 5 weeks off.

Photo: Eric Bana - for no reason other than he's hot as hell. This photo is from the upcoming film "Lucky You" - I saw a trailer for this last Friday and holy shit, is this guy smoking or what? Man, I missed it entirely in "Munich." Surprised by lust; it's always fun.