MadameBastet-firing-neurons
Oh my GOD I'm having the worst math anxiety attack I've ever had. Honestly, I feel like I'm going to throw up. This is insane. FUCKING MATH! I hate it. HATE IT! I have to take my final CSET test - math and science - my two worst subjects. At least I LIKE science somewhat, even if I wasn't good at it in school. Try as I might, I cannot ever learn to love algebra or geometry. No, I'm sorry, I don't see the beauty in a math equation. I'm an art history teacher! I see beauty at the Louvre - not in a quadratic equation.
Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Pardon my French but this is my blog and if you don't like it, go away.
I haven't had any serious math since 1984. I'm trying to study for this beast and I'm getting stuck on fucking fractions! All those horrible terms are coming back to haunt me - numerators, denominators, flip this, turn this inside out. If there are two negatives then it's a positive! WHY GOD WHY!
And I remember myself, walking around during those halcyon days of grad school, in existential despair, saying God was probably a mathematical equation. Very mechanistic of me, nice and reductionistic. Reading "The Three Pound Universe" convinced me for a while there was no soul, there was no ME! I was just a head injury away from losing myself. Where do people who get Alzheimer's go??? Who ARE we? Are we ego? Are we spirit? If we are something like x-m = z +y then screw it. If that is God, I am not taking His class!
I'm visual, visual! There's been very little logic to me. I can't do it. How can one tiny test stand in the way of me getting a teaching credential? I KNOW I am a good teacher already - I love my kids - I want to open their minds, help them experience the wonder of the world, teach them creativity, thinking for yourself - I cannot be trapped by numbers forever!
Seriously. This is one of those times where I feel like falling on my knees and praying. Over a stinkin' test! That is how panicked I am. Ah, but I'm good at panic! I may suck at math, but I've got panic down pat! And I try to clear my mind, just breathe, relax, pray...and then as usual, I'm stuck. What do I pray for? Who do I pray to?
Dear God,
Please help me love math. No, scratch that. Please help me pass this horrible test.
And then My Little Problem begins. Voice in the back of my head says "Do you really think God/Universe/He/She/It/Energy/Vishnu/Krishna/Jesus/Buddha/Muhammad CARES ABOUT YOU AND YOUR STUPID MATH TEST! Do you think that God even KNOWS you are alive!
Yes, the deist in me is alive and well. Me: Well, really, doesn't God have more important things to think about? What about those poor children dying of starvation, cancer, bombs, etc.? What about the Congo? Iraq? Darfur? Do you think one person and her stupid math test amounts to a hill of beans in this crazy world?
Ok, then. God, please just give me strength to do what I need to do. To keep going. Give me courage and confidence, if you can't magically give me all the answers to the test on test day.
This is insane. I am NOT going to the gas chamber, but it feels like it.
911 what's your emergency?
Yes, I'm in my house, I can't breath, my heart is racing, it's the linear equations! Dear Sweet God, I can't stand it anymore!
My cats are sleeping like little lumps of cuteness. I am so jealous of them right now. I've lost my mind.
I think I was supposed to write 10 Things I Love About Life yesterday. But yesterday was Bubbles Day at school and I came home so soapy and sticky and hot and tired I forgot what I love about life. Bubbles Day was good.
Math will never be on that list. A Caravaggio, yes. A Renoir, for certain. Algorithms, never.
4 comments:
hi D, so sorry to read of your dilemma, but i can certainly relate. I too am extremely visual.
Algebra as a freshman in high school was a nightmare. Then, one day i found out if i got a "1" (an A) in the class, i didn't have to take any more math for the rest of high school! so i worked my ass of and got that "1". Amazing what a little motivation can do. If this is your only class, just work work and get thru it, then it's behind you. Look beyond the test. To the relief!
Since when did they start making you pass anything beyond the CBEST? I must be really out of it. What is this CSET anyway?
I totally relate to your math block, have the same thing. Never had anything past Algebra 1 and barely got through that. Shit, I still can't do my times tables! Anyway, I studied like a fiend and passed my CBEST with flying colors if that's any comfort.
Anyway, YOU WILL PASS IT!!! I know these things... :-)
love,
Sandy
I am also highly visual and I stopped "getting" math around algebra 3-4. But if you try to see the numbers it helps. Use your visual thinking to your advantage. Read the problem, then CLOSE YOUR EYES. Don't look at the words and numbers on the page, look at them in your mind.
I hate math. And what makes it worse is that both my sibs not only are good at it, but also like it. Ick. And even both my parents were good at it. Arrgghh! What kind of family was I born into anyway?
I managed to pass Algebra 1 in high school on the final test (after failing 3 of 4 quarters) by one point. Then being the glutton for punishment I am, I took Algebra 2....
However, I did manage to find one of the few colleges which didn't require me to take a single math course (and only one science course) and went there. Much, much better.
Anyway...sending off some positive math vibes (are there really such things and positive math vibes?) your way. Positive thoughts helped get SK safely from Australia to Europe, they can certainly help you get through this test. :-)
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