MadameBastet-firing-neurons

MadameBastet-firing-neurons
Monday morning, six a.m.
Been up since 4 - can't sleep again.
Memorial Day today.
Seem to be having some hormone -induced crisis
Where am I, where am I going, where have I been
what am I doing?
I'm in some self-imposed purgatory now...
I'll be leaving my kids in less than two weeks
School's out...for summer
I'll have other classes but these chicka dees and chicka doos
were my first and I won't ever forget them
(Oh yeah you will, you say)
No I won't...I got a loooooooooooooooong memory. Too long.
My little pumpkins are 'graduating' on the 14th - being promoted to 1st grade
Dominique told me she's scared to go to first grade...
I felt like Dr. Seuss - oh oh but the places you'll go!
You have so much ahead of you!
I know it all won't be a bed of roses;
But my little darling buds, I'll miss you more than you know.

So no school, no classes this summer;
another bitch of a test - math and science, my two worst subjects.
I'm neither here nor there; still waiting to see about my credential status.
I feel like I have no identity when I'm not working.
I am what I do?
How American is that.
I hate that about this country.
What do you do? Fuckin' stupid question.
It's hard to just be.
The Eastern world has it all over us with that...just be, not do.
Easier said than done.

It's hard to shut out the voices saying
you should be more
you should weigh less
you should have more
do more
see more
you should not be in pain
you should not get depressed
you should have this and have that
you should should should
what did we tell people in the grief groups?
Oh yeah, don't should all over yerselves...haha.

I ain't go no...satisfaction
and I tried and I tried and I tried...
Is this all there is? Is this as good as it gets?
Sometimes it's so good I can't stand it (my kids, music, art, laughter, books, movies, yummy food, family, friends, the warmth of Zoe sleeping next to me)
Sometimes it's so bad I don't want to stand it anymore.

Yesterday I listened to After Everything, Now This
which I think is the greatest title ever and one of my all-time favourite CD's.
Reminds me of Cathy and Alex and other times and places long gone
and that makes me kind of sad. I never thought Cathy and I would not be friends. What happened? Four years in and sometimes I think, what a waste. It should never have happened this way.
Sometimes I just want to say:
Shut the hell up
spoiled girl!!

I have the luxury of paralysis through analysis as my pop used to say
I know this.
I can sit here with my 1000 thread count sheets in my over-priced but tiny apartment...
Still, with all the food I want, all the things I need, kitties sleeping at my feet
Creature comforts abound.

Indonesia hit with another mind-numbing disaster
Why is it the places that are so fragile, still recovering from major disasters
keep getting hit again and again?
They don't have time to sit around and say "Oh what shall I do today?"
As Eliot said, "Should I eat a peach? Dare to wear my trousers rolled..."
No they must search through the wreckage of their lives
bury the dead
try to stay alive
No luxurious existential moments for them.
I wish I was there....moving concrete...giving food, holding a hand
because I need to get out of myself and into the rest of the world
to shake off this narcisstic indulgence;
the what ifs the what fors the poor me's.

As St. Oprah says (oh and maybe that thing called the Bible? )
This too shall pass.