MadameBastet-Firing-Neurons

If You Think You're Going Insane, You're Probably Not

At least that's what I've heard...and on the few occasions in my
life when I truly thought I was losing it, I would comfort myself
with that thought. "Well, I am afraid I'm going nuts, so I must not
be going nuts." Ha. Who knows if it's true. I feel guilty by reason
of insanity lately, that's for sure.

So I've been trying to stay on an even keel, as they say.
But everything's catching up with me, and fast. One week
from this very moment, hopefully I'll be asleep in bed,
and I'll take The Wretched Exam a few hours later, and come
home, and collapse. I am hitting the wall. My mind simply cannot
take in any more information. I have so much to do in the next
few days though. You know, study, clean the house, get my hair
done, get car washed, shop, study more, cry, watch world fall
apart on TV, complete top secret activities, listen to the voices in
my head, hahahaha...I *am* kidding...about that last part.

I should be looking forward more to the Church shows than I am
now. Sadly but oh so predictably the gift that just keeps on giving,
my FM has flared up really badly. I'm very tired again, despite
massive amounts of vitamins and sleep, sleep, sleep. Lots of pain,
causing me to take more Aleve than I'd like to. What gets me through
this is knowing this happened last time before the other two exams
and I physically started feeling better after they were over. It's
amazing what the mind can do to the body.

Ironically the show I'm looking forward to the most is the Friday night
show...the one before the exam. I'm excited to see Sandy again. I've been
thinking about Cathy a lot. I miss her. I feel so sad about what happened
to our friendship and yet I essentially ended it. I believed it was something
that had to be done...but that doesn't mean you stop missing a person
or caring about them. People keep asking me, do you think you will see
her? I don't know. If she's on Seance, or is on Steve's blog, I can't tell. She's
gone very incognito. I know she wouldn't contact me. I'm not even sure
she's still following the Church anymore. God knows I stopped for a few
years. Now I'm caught up in the madness and I kind of just want my life
back, haha. As boring and predictable as it can be.

Although I will say, thanks to Steve's Blog (#24 on our Hit Charts today)
I've 'met' some really fantastic people. I've actually met Sandy in person,
and look forward to spending at least a few hours with her....a true
Church fan. I'm bringing Gena, but she's not really familiar with their
music. She just knows them through me. Maybe that's part of why I
miss Cathy. It's so fun going to a show and watching and listening to a band
with another die-hard fan. Anyway, back to 'meeting' people. Veleska is
an absolute doll, and we've discovered in so many ways we share the same
brain! Her letters could've been written by me. She is great - I can't say
enough nice things about her.

And naturally Catz and Eek, my other two partners in crime...what can I
say? I'm excited they're going on a road trip together, and I hope someday
I will have the chance to meet them in person....they're both fabulous,
intelligent, funny ladies. I guess we're not girls anymore, huh? I always want
to call my friends girls. Well, what the hell. Girls, chicks, ladies, women...
women just sounds so...old! My mom is a woman. LOL! You never feel as
old as you are...ain't that the truth. I seem to only do this with women.

You'll never hear me refer to my dear friend Thomas as a 'boy' - nope,
he's a man. A gentlman, in fact. I think of him often these days, as he
takes NYC by storm. I miss him too...it's my fault though for not being
able to squeeze in a trip to the big Apple to see him this summer.

So I'm gonna get back in bed...Zoe has taken my spot as usual. I'll
pick up her little dishrag, sleepy body and move it over and she'll
meow, annoyed that mommy wants to sleep in mommy's spot...
and hopefully this time I can fall asleep without visions of atoms and
plants and planets and laws of physics and math theorems floating in my head...not to mention so many other things.

It's kind of sad to wish this week away because of the CSET...then
I'm wishing away the good stuff too. So I won't. I'll be good. I want
to try and live in the moment...like my wonderful 6 year olds taught
me. So easy for them...so hard for those of us who've accumulated so
many moments...we either live in the future or the past and forget
the only thing we have...now.

I don't know why - I mean beyond the obvious reason that the
shows fall right before my exam. but I'm kind of annoyed that
the Church have chosen California for their first shows. Why
does that bug me? Who knows. That very first show should be
interesting...I can't imagine getting off a plane from Australia,
and doing a show a day or two later. The jetlag is such a bitch.
I don't know if your body can ever get used to it? I've not traveled
enough to know. I know when I came back from Europe last year
I was off for at least a week. Circadian rhythms...delicate stuff.
Well, hopefully all will go well, I'm sure we'll get the lowdown
if there's a showdown...and once there was at a Church show in
Santa Barbara...but that's another story...one I really don't care
to remember at all.