Sad

Last night my sister-in-law's mother Judy died. She suffered from pulmonary fibrosis (I think) for several years. I really don't know exactly what happened; she lived in Atlanta and her son Michael was with her. My brother has not filled me in on all the details; I just got a call early this morning that she'd died. We just saw her last month at Ella's first birthday. Mike (her son) had just come back to Atlanta from Portland about 6 weeks ago so I'm glad he got to see his mom.

My heart breaks for Mary, my sister-in-law because she lost her dad to pancreatic cancer in her 20's and of course, has struggled with having a seriously premature baby (my precious niece Ella) and now this. Judy was only 70. I say 'only' because today, people are living longer and in my warped mind (from having so many family members live well into their 80's and 90's) I think that is too young to go.

But I am not God right? Anyway, I'm very sad and sad for Ella, who only has one grandmother, (no grandfathers alive either) and sad for Mary, who was quite close with her mom. I wish I was religious, or had faith or believed in SOMETHING because right now I feel very hollow and nihilistic about life. Honestly, why couldn't I have been born with a brain that didn't question everything. It sucks.

I am posting a picture of Judy and Ella, taken last month at Ella's birthday party in Atlanta. Oh, Ella is wearing a helmet - she has had to wear this because in the NICU her head was flattened out and misshapen a bit from lying on one side a lot. The helmet makes her look like she's a little football player. She's (hopefully) getting it off later this month. Anyway, RIP Judy.

P.S. I have NO FUCKING IDEA why the first two words in this blog are so tiny. I've tried to fix them over and over. Sorry.