Tell Me Why I Don't Like Mondays

Ok, so this was my day. Did my formal lesson for my BTSA mentor. I really must stink at teaching because half the class managed to screw up a 2 question quiz. GOD ALMIGHTY HOW??? How can they be so stupid? They can't do anything! My mother told me she saw this on a church sign the other day "Bubble-Wrapped Children." Oh yeah, that describes these kids. Totally and utterly unable to do anything. Crippled.

So the day proceeds. My math class comes in. We have a test tomorrow. I tell them anyone who didn't get an "A" on the last test has to stay for my math lunch. Michelle, my mentor, told me to hold math lunches the day before the test. The kids can bring their lunch in, and we go over the concepts that will be on the test. My class is not exactly the brightest bunch of crayons in the box, so I insist they all come in for the lunch. One smart ass 11 year old girl says "Isn't that illegal?" Meaning, isn't it illegal keeping her in for lunch. I said "No. I'm letting you eat, you can use the restroom and I'm not keeping you the entire time.' So then the rest of the babies start whining. WHINING! I just said "What are you gonna do - hire an attorney? Forget it. Don't come to the math lunch. It's not my grade."

Then the class decides they're bored with going over the review for the test. Now, crazy me, at their age, I would've sat there with my mouth shut, probably daydreaming. Not kids today! Nooooooooooooo sirrreeeeeeeeeee! About 5 different kids start suggesting "other" things we can do. "Why don't we do this...." "Why don't we do that...." Why don't we do the other...."

Oh my Sweet Jesus I could've stroked out but I didn't. I just calmly SCREAMED "That's ENOUGH! This isn't a democracy. I'm your teacher and I decide what we will do and what we won't do. If you don't like it go back to your classrooms (these are kids from the other 5th grade classes." I mean, Holy Cow of All Cows, can you believe the audacity of these creatures? WHAT PLANET AM I ON? WHOSE CHILDREN TALK TO THEIR TEACHERS THIS WAY?

I am just not made for this.

After lunch, we go down to art. I think one of the Judas parents is there, volunteering. I smile/sneer at her and in my head I say "Hey you chicken-shit betraying bitch, what up?"
Art is ending. Half the kids are in the class, half are now outside playing basketball (no one gave them permission to do this) and one kid tells me he's gonna throw up. He looks bad so I have another boy walk him to the nurse. Next thing I know the other boy is back telling me Ben is throwing up in the trash can. All hell has broken loose, because for a posse of 11 year olds, nothing is more exciting than spontaneous vomit in the afternoon! Especially if a trash receptacle is involved. So I run over and stand next to Ben and watch him throw up. I tell the other boy to go get me some wet paper towels. Ben wants a new shirt - he's thrown up on his shirt. I run back to the art room to ask the art teacher if she has an old shirt. Maggie, the girl who panicked out last Friday, is about to get right back on the Anxiety Express. She tells me if she knows about someone throwing up it makes her want to throw up (wow, such empathy - just KNOWING about someone else vomiting will do it to her!?? Usually I have to see it or smell it.) I try to calm her down. I ask if SHE wants to see the nurse. She starts stuttering no no - she wants to see - get this - the psychiatrist. The what??? We don't have a psychiatrist at this school, although honestly, I think we should have one. I finally figure out she means our part time counselor. I give her the bad news and tell her the counselor is not here this week. I try to calm her down again. But I've got 28 kids outside on the loose. So I try to gather up the rest of the 28 nutcases. I send vomit kid and another kid up to the nurse; vomit kid is babbling on and on about having bad Nutella at lunch. Whoa boy, keep it to yourself, I just stood there next to you, watched you puke and didn't bat an eyelash - but don't push me. I try to discourage one demented kid from looking in the trashcan and describing the contents in technicolor.

The Judas mother says "Oh the joys of being a teacher." I felt like saying "Yes, especially in this, the single most fucked up school I've ever been at." But I don't. I finish the day with geometry and some girl whailing "When am I ever going to use this in real life?"

I used to say that in high school. Oh I don't know kid, I want to say. Maybe you too can grow up and get a nightmare job where you'll find yourself waxing poetic about isosceles triangles again. Life's funny that way.

So tomorrow is Earth Day, not that I really care, but one of my room mothers has created this giant paper tree in our room where we're all going to hang 'leaves' with wonderful ideas written on them on how to save the planet. I told the kids I'd come in with some ideas too. Actuallly, it's just going to be one.

I think I still have an old pack somewhere, maybe in the bathroom cabinet. A tiny round case full of 'em. Tiny pale, pink, peach, green, blue pills. That's right. Birth Control. That's my answer for Global Warming, Greenhouse Gases, the Energy Crisis, our dependence on foreign oil, fossil fuel issues, carbon footprints. DON'T FUCKING MAKE ANYMORE people. I beg of you. And I mean, BEG. Of. You.