MadameBastet-Firing-Neurons
Toto, We're Not In Suburbia Anymore
This is gonna be a short blog because it's only the second day of my full-time student teaching/school program and I'm wiped, physically and emotionally. I'm thinking this does not bode well for the future. We're at a middle school this week in the urban valley. It's got to be close to 99% Hispanic. I'm ashamed to admit this; I feel like a stranger there. Everyone is speaking Spanish. This is the new America. This school isn't nearly as bad as some inner city schools. Uniforms are required - you can't wear any colors or markings that might get you in trouble with a gang. There's a policemen and security guard on campus. EVERYTHING is locked down ALL the time. Let me put it this way...if one teacher loses one key, the ENTIRE school has to be re-keyed. I am not making this up. The teacher bathrooms are locked all the time and we don't have keys. I just realized I forgot to sign out for the second day in a row. I'm probably going to get shit for that. We have to sign in and out every day. We have to wear badges with our pictures on them. These kids are about 12 going on 35. 6th, 7th and 8th grade. Tiny kids, making out. Swearing. Could probably teach me a thing or two about sex, drugs and rock and roll. And this isn't even high school!
I had my first class today. Teaching reading. This should be one of my favourite classes but according to all former students, this professor is a nightmare. And our class is located on the middle school campus in 100 + degree heat with NO AIR CONDITIONING. I was so hot in class I started to feel sick. At 'nutrion' break' and lunch I feel like I'm going to get run over by 2,000 running, screaming kids. Middle school is definitely NOT for me. I feel sorry when I see kids eating alone. That just kills me for some reason. Maybe they're happy. But it bothers me.
We're observing different classes, different teachers. Some are great. Some you just automatically know shouldn't be in the classroom. Many of the students in the ESL class not only don't speak much English, it's pretty obvious they and perhaps their parents haven't been in the country long, and I doubt they're here legally. Is it racist for me to think that people should enter countries legally? My heart breaks for what's happening to people in Mexico, and all the other countries where corruption and fraud are so bad, and there are simply the rich, and the poor. And yet I sat there, and felt like a stranger in my own city. I know everyone wants and deserves a better life - but at what cost?
Next week we move to an elementary school. I look forward to that because I want to teach much younger kids. I had a panic attack earlier though. It's going to be a terrific grind. I'm scared. I think, what have I done? I feel like a complete failure at everything I've ever done and I don't want to fail at this.
Something so simple seems so difficult. Oh! And you should see the schedule at this school. When I was in junior high (before they called it middle school) we had one homeroom, first thing in the morning. Every damn day is different for these kids. Our entire program (all 10 of us are in this program together) is constantly confused. On regular days they have homeroom after 2nd period. On special days they have homeroom before 1st period and after 6th period. On other days there's just one homeroom before 1st period. Today we were supposed to meet our professor at 1pm. Then they changed it to 12:30. Then we realized we had no time for lunch. So we sat there in a baking hot classroom, for a half an hour. The prof showed up at 1pm.
I know I'm complaining a lot right now. I just have to vent my frustrations. I'm sure it'll all settle down in a few weeks. What appalled me was not so much the behaviour of the students as the teaching styles of some of the teachers. Some I would fire immediately. But they're in it for life with the union. I hate the union. Why can't teachers just have jobs like everyone else? Why are they exploited? Why do they need a damned union? Everything with the union is a fight. I was FORCED to be in the union when I taught college. I had to pay my union dues. Unions do nothing but make union heads rich. I can almost see how perhaps some jobs might need a union. But here we have highly educated, WHITE COLLAR professionals with degrees and education and they can't pull it together without a goddamned fucking union?
Do I sound like I'm cut out for this? Probably not today. I'm trying to accept I'm going to have bad days and good days and that the first few weeks are going to be hard. Bear with me folks. And pray for me, if you're the prayin' kind. Oh and here's a real shocker. Every morning, everyone stands up and says the pledge of allegience. They even say the 'under God' part. I'm stunned.
Photo: Back to school. Somehow I think it's going to be harder for me, than for my students.
4 comments:
God bless you, denise, for taking on this challenge. the world needs more committed, dedicated, caring souls like you that can step up to the plate and do their share to make this planet a better one to live on.
Everything you've done before is a failure? What are you talking about? You've taken RISKS, dear, and that is the stuff of life. Whether they turn out well or not. I guess you could just sit in a chair watching tv all day, that might make you successful ;)
I had my own little 'where am i?' moment yesterday. Went into the orthopedic surgeon's offices and the entire front desk staff was hispanic (around 15 ladies). Now, this office is in the whitest white bread wealthy area of town. Not what i would have expected by a long shot. I didn't care, i was just surprised. Still left my info with them, if the doc is a good doc who can help me, i don't care if he's the color of cheez whiz.
Try not to panic. If this doesn't work out, you will find another way. There is always another way. As a friend from the 1970s used to tell me, "just get a bigger hammer." And if it does work out, it works out. There are no dead ends.
love
s
xx
I wish you luck in this. I see your dedication to helping others, and I'm sure you'll find the best capacity in which to serve others AND enjoy doing it.
Daniel
Thank you for the eye-opening glimpse into the world of inner city schools. I think most of us (me) are in a fair amount of denial about the conditions under which these kids are trying to grow up and thrive, and under which teachers such as yourself have to work.
I worked in the school system (sub teacher) but it was in the suburbs - the worst it ever got for me was Washington Middle School in La Habra. There were a few kids there that would just as soon rip you a new ---hole than say good morning. I have to admit I felt a little intimidated, by one young girl in particular. The word "hard" comes to mind, but doesn't go nearly far enough in describing her. Beautiful young woman - scared the hell out of me. And it was obvious she knew her power. Ah but what conditional (and fleeting) power that must have been - she was all of about twelve years old! I sometimes wonder how her life turned out.
We never had anything like a lock down tho, and most of the kids were pretty nice.
Those illegal kids are really caught in it, but what can they do? I can understand their parents coming over here to work (which should be legalized imho) but bringing the whole family here is just too much.
Good luck, Denise - I'm sure you'll get used to this new, strange (scary?) environment, and be an old pro at it in no time.
love,
Sandy
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