MadameBastet-Firing-Neurons

Fuck It

I have nothing profound to write.
I am in a pissy mood. What should be a nice,
relaxing time - fourth of July and all - has
turned into one of the most stressful times
I've had in a while.
The tutor came today. I fucked up on my
exponents and screwed up my homework.

He seems to be living in some fantasyland,
either lying to me, or actually believing I'm going
to pass this test. I've been studying science non-stop
for days. Chemistry is the only thing kicking my ass.
Everything else, I am good with.
Although Newton can kiss mine, with all his laws.
Didn't he have anything better to do than sit around
and figure out the fuckin' laws of motion?

Going to the Hollywood Bowl tonight with my friend
and her family. They have great seats up front because
her grandma is handicapped. They had great seats before
because her mom had MS. A really shitty reason to have
great seats. Her mom died three years ago. It's weird to
go to the Bowl without her. I know they'll have fireworks
tonight; I've been there before around the 4th and they
really are spectacular. Maybe that will put me in a better mood.

My mother and I got into a bad one - she finally confessed
she's been angry about some real estate we sold in 1999.
For 7 years she's blamed ME for selling off too soon. Like I
knew what was going to happen with the goddamned real
estate market. It was a decision made by the whole family
after my dad died. I take the hit for everything with her.
I never lived with "What could have been." She's been living
that way for the last 7 years. I just figured, as Maya A. says,
"You did the best you could at the time with what you had."

Jesus. I'm sure a lot of people would've called in sick on
September 11, 2001 if they'd known they'd be taking a
leap off the 103rd floor of their building before their
10:00am coffee break. I can't live anymore with what could
have been. It's hard enough to live with what is.

I have a ton of math homework but am expected to be
at a family bar-b-que tomorrow. Why don't they just put me
on the grill. At least the Twilight Zone marathon is on.
Somehow, that always comforts me. Insane, isn't it?
I registered for four classes this morning. Still need to pay my
tuition. I'm going to try and sub during the day.
I'm freaked out. I've never gone to school full time,
and worked, esp. with the limited energy I have.
I have no choice. But I'm still scared.

Something about Steve Kilbey's last blog really,
really upset me. I swear I could't tell if he was kidding or not.
His fans piss me off even more.
I'm supposed to be excited about going to see The Church.
There's something really disconcerting though when Steve
starts to announce he needs his ego stroked.
He pisses me off and breaks my heart. What can I do?
I want to save him, make his life better. I can't even do
that for myself. I gave up the salvation complex after my
dad. Didn't work out too well on that one.
I like commenting on his blog; I've probably made hundreds
lose their lunch with the constant gag reflex.

As my blog says today, fuck it.
Maybe North Korea will make good on its threat
and blow us all to hell
and none of this will be a worry at all.

Photo Credit: CNN - North Koreans make their feelings known.