I Don't Know

This end of the year business is like watching paint dry. Waiting, waiting, waiting. Oh it's dry! Now we can go to bed.

Cynical? Nah, not me!

Merry Christmas!

Ha! It's my blog and I can say MERRY CHRISTMAS all I want. None of this "Happy Holidays" politically correct shite. And I'm not even that religious. But Merry Christmas anyway.

It's colder than a witch's tit here right now...it's also 5:30 a.m. on Christmas Eve Day.

I'm excited to NOT be traveling this Christmas - although I will miss my niece terribly. I hope my brother videotapes her opening her gifts - or at least takes some pictures. I bought her a talking Elmo (several years ago before I had a niece I had NO IDEA who this Elmo creature was/is) and a Cookie Monster. And I bought her a Snoopy. Good thing she can't read this blog. Hee. I also bought her a Clifford DVD. She seems to have a thing for dogs. Clifford, Snoopy, Blue from Blue's clues.

WHERE ARE THE CATS?

I have stopped exercising for the last 2 1/2 weeks. I went into a fibromyalgia flare so bad I just quit. I've got to get back on the proverbial horse. It's amazing how fast the weight starts to creep back on...boo hoo.

Well there's not much to report really. I just wanted to say Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to all my blog readers. All what - six of you? LOL!

Hope you have a happy HOLIDAY. ; )

Winter Cleaning and Other Exciting News

1. I'm doing a massive winter cleaning today. My mom has kindly offered the help of her maid. I'm also having the carpet cleaned. One too many hairballs from the cats - gross I know. That's why I'm having it cleaned.

2. I feel like crap today. I've really been exercising a lot harder. I'm back at Curves and every now and again I do this aerobic exercise tape that kicks my butt. I pay for it with the fibromyalgia but I swear it's the only thing that's taking the weight off. Still, it sucks to be in pain and not be able to take my beloved aspirin or Aleve (because of the Coumadin).

3. I am almost done with my Christmas shopping. Well, things are a little tight this year so it's not like I went out and bought out the stores. I even wrapped all the gifts I have. Part of this is due to the fact that we (my mother and I) have to send a lot of these gifts back to Atlanta to my brother, niece and sister-in-law. I did buy some cute stuff for my niece. She is really into Snoopy now. She also still loves Elmo (her first love) and the Cookie Monster from Sesame Street. I bought her those, talking of course, so they will drive my brother and his wife insane after a while, haha. I also bought her some cute clothes and some books for my brother to read to her. My mom bought her an ENTIRE HUGE 1950's diner. It's the kind you can pretend to cook in, and even sit in. So much for Easy Bake Ovens - she's getting a whole diner!

4. I have to go back to the lab tomorrow for another blood test. TEDIOUS! At least I've been getting two weeks off between visits for a while now. However two weeks ago my numbers dropped from a perfect 2.4 to 1.85 for no apparent reason. Coumadin is the MOST annoying drug I've ever been on. I swear if you SNEEZE wrong your numbers can change. Ideally I am always supposed to be between 2-3 and somewhere in the middle is the best. I am about half way through my 6 months on the Coumadin. On February 26th I go back to the hematologist who will take me off it, run as many tests as he can to see if the blood clots were caused by something OTHER than the Pill. Those results will determine if and when and for how long I may go back on the Coumadin. If nothing is wrong with me (for example, I don't have a high Factor 8 clotting mechanism going on) then I may be able to get off it. Unless I fly - then I always have to go back on it. I'm sure you wanted to read ALLLLLLL about my medical history here.

5. Obviously I am taking a break from cleaning right now. The maid is vacuuming. Is that how you spell it? Oh well. I'm too lazy to look it up in the dictionary. The cats are acting like their usual chicken-shit selves and are under the bed, probably frozen in total fear.

6. Still going to OA, about three times a week. It's been so amazing in helping me take this weight off. I know I keep saying that, but I never dreamt anything could be so helpful that ISN'T just another diet.

7. I am hoping (read: praying) to get this English class next semester so I can finish up getting my English credential. This way I can teach middle and high school English. Not that I'm especially hopeful about getting a job here in CA; we are such a fucked up state. It's so discouraging. : ( I'm NOT GIVING UP THOUGH! I want to be a teacher and I don't want to retrain AGAIN.

8. I think the carpet cleaning is about to begin so I'm gonna go. Exciting stuff. What can I say? No job, nothing really exciting going on. I guess that's good. Exciting seems to get me in trouble. I'll say this: I'm not sorry to see 2009 go. The year that tried to kill me! I've just got under a month to get to 2010. Man it feels weird to write that. Ten years from Y2K. Remember that madness?

Thankful

I know I've probably been driving everyone on Facebook nuts with my gratitude lists (only two more days) but this year I am realizing I really do have a LOT to be grateful for so I thought I'd make one more list.

1. Being alive. Since 1/3 of people who get pulmonary emboli die, almost immediately, I feel very, very lucky to even be alive this Thanksgiving. Thanks to the hospital and doctors and especially the NURSES who worked very hard to not only save my life but keep me stable. I say especially the nurses because they were saints and took great care of me and are so under-appreciated.

2. Unemployment Benefits: Well, it's the first time I've truly been totally out of work in over 10 years and well, thank god for SOME money, right?

3. My mom. What can I say? She's a saint for helping me, encouraging me, being there for me as much as she has been. We disagree on a lot socially and politically but she's the best friend and mother a person could ever hope to have.

4. Meds: Yes, I'm thankful for the drugs that keep me from jumping off a cliff (or at least out of my second story window), and the Ultram that lets me function with the fibro, and the Lyrica and well, Tylenol and everything else that keeps me going from day to day.

5. My beautiful cats: Let people mock me, make fun of me, call me the crazy cat lady but I've been so lucky to have these two gorgeous felines for the last 14 years. They act more like dogs and follow me around the house, greet me at the front door, sleep with me, cuddle with me, comfort me. Animals are one of God's greatest gifts, IMHO.

6. My brother, sister-in-law and niece Ella: Family. Crazy, fighting, loving, wacky family. Can't live without them.

7. OA: I don't have a job now, so OA has kind of been my job. It's not only helped me lose weight, it's really brough me a lot of peace and a little sanity. What else does that for practically free?

8. Friends: Cheri, my friend here in L.A. who is also out of work, has been a Godsend and I mean that in a literal sense. I like to think we help each other get through each day. We are both teachers and both want to be teachers again and I know someday we will be.

Tara: Reconnecting with you has been the highlight of my year. You are wicked smart, funny and make me feel like a million bucks. God gave me another blessing by hooking me back up with you.

Veleska: You are the sweetest, kindest, most caring chick I know. And I know you're going through some tough times now. No one deserves a break more than you. Well, maybe you, me, Staci, haha...I treasure our friendship and still can't wait until the day we actually meet.

Staci: You have been through hell and seem to keep going no matter what. I admire you more than you will ever know. You are one of my heroes. Your friendship means the world to me. I hope in 2010 I can find an excuse to get to Arizona because if you can't come to me, I'd like to come to you and see you again. You rock.

Sandy: You are also one of the kindest, nicest people I know. I'm sorry we missed each other when you were down here for the Church. Your ability to cook, sew, can things, etc. amazes me because I can barely boil water. Oh and you do hair too! I think you are marvelous. Just mahvelous darling. Don't ever change.

Holly: Eek! I'm still waiting for the rest of your Church tour on your blog. You are the St. Francis of Ohio, loving all animals and giving so much of yourself to them. You are also one of my heroes. Why aren't all you people on that CNN Heroes show! It's beyond me. You're smart, funny and do so many nice things for SK - what's not to love about you?

Thomas: Fifteen years! I know I owe you a visit. BIG TIME. You are supremely great. A true Renaissance man. A butcher, a baker, a lawyer...OK, I'm not sure about those first two...but you know I love you and think the world of you. You're witty, charming, smart as a whip, well-read, well-educated, musically talented. You make me sick. No! I'm kidding. I miss you.

9. All the basic but truly important stuff: a comfy bed to sleep in, a sturdy roof over my head, MORE than enough food to eat (been eating less and less of it, yay!), a running car (this baby is going to 200,000 miles!), clothes to wear (getting looser all the time), etc. Without the basics I wouldn't be able to sit around having existential angst. THAT is a luxury - nihilism. Heh.

10. God. It's kind of personal. Yow know how it is.

Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Delayed Reaction

Wow it's been exactly one month since I blogged. I seem to be going through some kind of existential crisis (don't groan and say "another one?" haha) but my shrink has assured me it's perfectly normal. Move along people, nothing to see here.

Seriously...it has to do with my hospital stay. It's strange. When I got out, I was totally on a high. I was LOVING LIFE. Why not? I'd just CHEATED DEATH. I was euphoric for about a month. Life was good, I was beyond grateful for EVERYTHING and happy as a clam.

Then that feeling started to dissipate. That's when the anxiety started. Every little sensation in my body I took as a sign that a clot was forming; I was going to have another PE. I'd get a headache and think a clot was going to my brain. I'd breathe in and think my lungs were hurting and something was wrong. The anxiety is still here, though it's not as acute. This has lasted about a month too. Needless to say Xanax has been my best friend through this.

Now I'm in some kind of grieving process; some kind of existential "I just stared death in the face and what the fuck have I done with my life" crisis. It's bad. It hurts. I cry all the time for no reason. Well, there is a reason. It's like I FINALLY WOKE UP at age 42 - as if I was in a coma for years!!! I don't know why I'm having all these strange thoughts. I'm thinking, where did the last 20 years go? I'm not doing ANYTHING with my life now - and suddenly I want to LIVE and do EVERYTHING with my life now. Sex, drugs and rock and roll! Well, maybe not the drugs. ; )

I'm on a strange journey. The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing my doctor told me it's normal - and an essay I read by the country music artist Mary Chapin Carpenter. I was reading this book of essays people wrote on what they believe and she wrote one called "I Believe in the Learning Curve of Gratitude."

Mary Chapin Carpenter had the exact same thing happen to her. She had blood clots in her lungs. She went into a state of depression, pain, confusion, gratitude. I could've written the essay. I think it was a Godsend that I read it.

It definitely made me feel not so alone.

I've been in a major fire, held up by a gunman, been in major earthquakes, car accidenets and nothing, nothing has scared me and shaken me to my core like this experience. I know I will come out of this a stronger, better, more compassionate person.

It's just getting through it that sucks!

More later from the trenches...

This 'N That

1. Today we bombed the moon. Where the hell are our priorities? Don't we have enough to deal with on earth without looking for water on the moon? Did Buzz Aldrin see any water? That should've been good enough. "Looked dry to me."

2.Obama won the Nobel Peace Prize. Translated: We fucking hated Bush/Cheney and their stupid wars so much we're going to bitch slap them by giving this man a prize he doesn't really deserve at this point. We don't care. We really want to say: FUCK THAT LAST ADMINISTRATION.

3.Time to get out of Afghanistan. It's a losing proposition. The Soviets couldn't do it in the early 80's. How much more money are we going to spend and how many more lives are going to be lost trying to overthrow the Taliban? Let that country deal with its own evils.

4. Got my hair done today. Looks fab.

5.From war to my hair - how shallow can I get?

6. I miss everyone's blogs but I guess there's not a lot going on right now.

7. Went to a useless job fair last Monday. Honestly, biggest waste of my time. It was the most poorly organized job fair I've ever been to.

8. Yesterday, shockingly, at 5:45 am the phone rang with a call to substitute. Unfortunately I couldn't do it. I had to go to the lab to give blood and I had a doctor's appointment. I didn't get called today though. I'm still mailing in my unemployment paperwork. I have no idea if I'll be called three times a week, a month, or the whole semester.

9. I want to see that movie Paranormal Activity. I LOVE scary movies. Hate roller coasters, but love to be scared in my own house or the movie theater. It's funny how people like to get their thrills.

10. My a/c broke but finally got fixed. My place is so small that even with the cooler weather I need to turn it on because I'm upstairs and I think the insulation sucks. It gets really stuffy in here.

11. Did I tell y'all I'm having a stress/treadmill test on the 22nd of this month? I'm really nervous about it. Hope I don't keel over.

12. I can't stop touching my awesome hair.

13. I've decided for me, watching the Food Network is akin to watching porn.

14. My blood INR levels were down again. Damn! It's been two months and I can't get regulated permanently on the Coumadin. Now we suspect this Vitamin water I have been drinking might be interfering with the medicine. I LOVE that water. I am crushed I may have to give it up, but Hell, I want my INR levels stabilized. I don't want to mess around with THAT. I am now drinking plain old water. Boo hoo.

15. I should appreciate the fact I have clean water to drink, huh? I do.

16. I'm reading a book by Karen Armstrong called "The Case for God." It's a formidable tome and damn, she starts with the caveman and the paintings at Lascaux, etc. God has changed so much over time. Man's conception of God that is. Fascinating book. Not an easy read though. A little academic.

17. I finally saw the commercial for the car where the Church song "Under the Milky Way" is used. It's so cool! I don't especially like that version of the song, but Hell, it's a Church song on a major car commercial!

18.I haven't been to my meditation class in two weeks. I haven't even meditated in two weeks. Meditation is sooooooooooooooooo hard. I've been purposely avoiding it, I admit it.

19. Gee, I hate to stop at #19, but I'm afraid that's it folks. Hope you're all doing well.

Photo: Our beautiful moon. We wouldn't be anywhere without it.

Autumn and Other Wonderful Things

Today is the first real day of autumn of us. Don't make fun - yes, there are more fires burning in Southern California, but it's cool, it's crisp, the leaves are falling, the colors are changing and you can just feel it and smell it in the air. It's like a little slice of Heaven for me. I was even able to wear a sweater out - which in the L.A. area is a real treat.

I brought out all my Halloween decorations. My apartment looks ridiculous but I don't care; they make me happy. It looks like a Halloween store exploded in here. Every nice I light a pumpkin spice candle and cozy up on the couch and stare and my ghosties and witches and skulls and goblins. I'm definitely going to carve pumpkins this year. I'll probably take them to my mom's because she lives in a really nice neighborhood and actually gets kids trick or treating.

I'm SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO excited. On October 20th I'm going to Disneyland. I haven't been in a few years. Talk about Halloween - Disneyland really decks the place out in Halloween decorations. The Haunted House is spectacular - it's all done up like Tim Burton's "The Nightmare Before Christmas." I'm not kidding - it's truly a sight to behold.

I guess that's the one good thing about being off work - I can go to Disneyland in the middle of the week.

Tomorrow I'm going to a job fair with my bestie friend Cheri. I went to Kohl's today and bought some really nice clothes. I am continuing to lose weight - of course not as fast as I want to. I've stopped going to Curves for a month; I want to get my blood thinner numbers steady before I go back. I just feel uneasy going back now.

My eating is fabulous though. I used to live on junk food; now I eat so healthy. I'm really amazed and proud of myself. I think God must have something to do with it too because honestly I don't know how I've done it. I'm even cooking real food and I NEVER used to cook.

As long as I'm off work I was thinking of volunteering somewhere. I'm just not sure what I want to do. It definitely would make ME feel better.

I had the longest, strangest dream about Dave Navarro last night. If you don't know who he is, he is an L.A. musician who plays guitar for Jane's Addiction. Don't ask what I ate before I went to bed. Mushrooms I guess.

I'm reading the most fabulous book - seriously, one of the best books I've ever read. It's called "A Million Miles in a Thousand Years." It's kind of really hard to explain. It's about this writer who's decided our lives are just like stories - and what kind of stories are we living? We can change our stories if we want - we can change our lives. It's not really a self-help book but it's helping me to see I can change my life story if I want. My story seems really boring now. I want more meaning in my life. Go to Amazon.com and check this book out. Honestly, it's changed my thinking and I think it will change my life. This book has worked its way into my soul and very few books do that with me anymore.

I don't think I've ever blogged about this, or told any of you this, but about a year ago, last September, I joined Overeaters Anonymous. I used to think it was just a crazy cult for loser fat people, but it's really changing my life. There are fat people there, and really thin people, and all kinds of people. It's totally based on the 12 steps and traditions of AA. I have a sponsor now and I record what I eat and go to meetings and let me tell you, it's one of the best things I ever did. I never saw myself doing something like this. This is another area where I think I just got a kick in the ass from some kind of higher power. It's not just changing what and how I eat, it's changing my whole life.

I honestly think everyone could benefit somewhat from practicing the 12 steps and traditions of the OA/AA/NA culture. So maybe I'm just a loser fat person but I don't think so. I think I'm a pretty motivated person who wanted and needed help and sought it out. And it's working out well for me. I've made some friends too - which is nice.

I'm a little low on friends. I have a friend who I've known for 30 years but she has very little time and I see our friendship dying out. It's kind of sad but maybe it's meant to be. I don't know. The ebb and flow of life, right?

Well, another not-so exciting blog has emanated from my brain. Excitement is good, but sometimes just watching the breeze and listening to the purring of the cat is good too.

Sorry!

I know I haven't been blogging much; I guess I just haven't been in the mood. As most of you know the weather over the past month was just fuck ass crazy hot! Sorry, that's the best way I know how to describe it. It's still warm but actually starting to cool down.

My complex is full of these beautiful Japanese maple trees that actually DO change color with the seasons. I'm going to start taking pictures of them as they change from green to all the spectacular fall colors. Cooler weather, fog in the mornings, and these trees are really my only sense that fall is here. But it's great - fall is my favorite season, I LOVE ADORE WORSHIP Halloween and plan to get out all my crazy decorations and decorate the breadbox I live it.

There is a small child that eternally lives in me, can you tell?

I filed for unemployment. If you didn't read my link about the substitute teaching - well, they've given the jobs to all the unemployed full time teachers. It makes sense, but it also means I now have absolutely no work. I've never filed for unemployment before. My best friend (who also happens to be a teacher too) also filed. I am awaiting some paperwork from the EDD; they'd better fucking give me the money. I've paid into it, I've busted my ass looking for ANY kind of teaching job and I even applied to a bookstore for some work. I have NO shame in filing for unemployment.

I think I've finally gotten my Coumadin (blood thinner) within its proper range in my body. I've still been going to the lab about once or twice a week which is a pain more ways than one. It's very hard to stabilize the dosage of Coumadin. I get to go one whole week without going to the lab. I also went to the dr. yesterday and found out than when I left the hospital the clots probably hadn't just up and disappeared as I thought they had. It takes time for them to dissipate.

I'm experiencing some extra anxiety over the whole event. Knowing they could still be inside me - I don't know. It's like I was just in la la land for the last month or two.

I know I'm not the only one who hasn't blogged in a while. I know everyone has their reasons, but I do miss my blogging friends and their blogs. Although I know V just blogged. I miss Staci's blog like mad, but understand why she can't sit at the computer for long periods of time. Hell, I miss myself blogging half the time.

I Twitter a fair amount, haha. Not the same, I know.

I bought a book to try and teach myself the basics of Excel. Have I cracked that book open yet? NO! I've been reading a book called "The Haunting of America" about spiritualism, mediums, mystics, witchcraft, magic, voodoo and other seancy-weird stuff that's gone on since the days of the Salem Witch trials in the late 17th century in this country. It's a fascinating history.

I'm still waiting for Oscar-worthy movies to start coming out. We're getting close to that time of year when the 'heavy duty' movies that I normally like come out. I've survived another summer of cinematic trash that's for sure.

Just to be sure you know my stance on this, Roman Polanski is a child rapist and needs to come back and do his fucking time like the pig child rapist he is. There.

My TV watching these days consists of the following: Project Runway, Top Chef, House, The Mentalist, Law and Order SVU, Sons of Anarchy, Intervention and how pathetic is a blog where I list what I'm fucking watching on TV? I haven't gotten into one new show yet.

My half-birthday is on the 27th of this month. I'm thinking of having a half-celebration. Why? I don't know. Cuz you know, it was a tough summer and it's good to fucking be here.

Over and out.

Veteran substitute teachers protest loss of work

Veteran substitute teachers protest loss of work

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Autumn in L.A.

The Santa Anas
come howling down
from where and whence
unknown
like the Devil's breath
they bring smoke and death
never a hotter first fall day
has been sown

The leaves they aren't turning
But the hills
they are surely burning
And this really
really
really
sucks.

The Ruins of September

9/11/01

What great ruins now sleep eternally
on the broken ground of this grey city
Like souls prostrate in mighty grief
In all the world, black disbelief

Human eyes will never again see
the views to Heaven once conceived
in man's own mind
a three pound universe
the same which brought these giants down
tis now the view of Hell unbound

Who were the men, the hands indeed
that set in stone
the hopes, the dreams
birthed by Rome in concrete, stone

Of greatness built to Gods and men
and leveled in seconds by Hell's condemned
A city keens for fallen friends
Yet bent not broken in the final end.

Honestly

Just some random very honest comments from moi:

1) I hate sports. I really think people who are obsessed with certain sports teams are freaks. I mean REALLY OBSESSED. WTF? How do you personally identify so much with a bunch of people playing a GAME?

2) I especially hate USC. They have a superiority complex for no good reason. No, I'm sure someone can tell me a bunch of good reasons they love themselves SO much, but I still hate them. I find most USC fans I've met personally are rather shallow sosh-types. MOST, not all. I have a friend who went there for college who is now a super rich New Yorker and she is a doll. So not everyone who goes there sucks, haha.

Sports-wise: Also, Michael Vick still makes me sick to my stomach and Brett Favre - do your stuff for two years and RETIRE FOR GOOD!

3) I believe in the right for all people to get married. Yes, this means gay people.

4) I have a hard time with people who take the Bible literally. I am Christian by baptism but a skeptic by heart and soul. Hey, God made me that way, right? I mean, I'm sorry. A Virgin birth? Rising from a grave? My empirical self demands more.

5) I struggle with religion but try to be open about a higher power. I just have no concept what that higher power is really like. I like to explore other belief systems. I don't believe I'm going to Hell if I don't believe Jesus is my ONLY Savior. Sorry. I'm not even sure I believe in Hell. Although when I think of people like Hitler, I hope there's a Hell. Heh.

6) I hate people that text and talk on cell phones when they're with you. I think it's beyond rude. I've had to take a few calls from my mom when I'm with people, but overall, I try really hard not to talk on the cell phone and texting is for 12 year olds.

7) I know who my friends are. My enemies, hmmm, not so clear on that. Should probably pay closer attention.

8) Character is everything. Money, job, career, status, car, house, boat, looks...mean nothing to me if your character is lacking.

9) Eddie Izzard is my new hero for running like 40 marathons for charity. And I'm not kidding about that number.

10) Emotionally closed off people bug the shit out of me. I know, it's a person's perogative to never talk about anything going on in their lives, but I have a hard time having relationships with people who never open up. So I tend to be with pretty open people. :)

11) I hate daylight savings time and think it's bullshit it's still light on Halloween when kids go trick or treating. Although sadly it's probably safer for them. We had it SO SO SO good as kids. We could go out alone, in our nice neighborhoods, in the dark, and not be afraid some sex offender was going to kidnap us.

12) People who pay NO attention to ANY news - ugh. You just come across as clueless and ignorant. Try to stay somewhat updated.

13)I admit, I won't watch local news that much. Listen to it on the radio yes, but I find TV local news to be all about death, murder and sensationalism. Maybe I'm locally clueless. Haha.

14) Love is love is love is love. Between a man and a woman, a woman and a woman, a man and a man and me and my cats. Don't get sick thoughts in your head on that last part. Platonic cat love people! ; Note: BETWEEN CONSENTING ADULTS! None of this NAMBLA sick shit.

15) I don't have the slightest clue how to fix health care. But I know it's fucked up beyond repair now. FUBAR is how I believe they say it in the military. I also believe no one should DIE from lack of health care and NO ONE should have to go BROKE because they've been nailed to the wall by insurance companies and they had the bad luck to get sick.

16) I don't think I could ever work for a health insurance company. I'd hook on the street first. ; )

17) I love my friends without children because they make me feel a little less strange. Didn't Gloria Steinem bust her ass for me to have this choice without people thinking it's odd? I LOVE MY FREEDOM!

18) I really, really, really wish I could get together with Staci, Veleska, Sandy and Holly all at once! I think we'd have a blast. With a lot of liquor of course. :)

19)I try not to regret too much. It is what it is and it was what it was. I did the best I knew at the time. I like that saying. I think I heard it from Maya Angelou. Although I'm paraphrasing.

20) California will always be my home and for that reason I love it, but I hope I get out before I die. L.A. is a cesspool. I just can't figure out where the hell I want to go.

21) My biggest problem with racism, or bigotry or whatever you want to call it, is with the Armenians. I've always admitted that. They took over Glendale, my home town, and by and large, except for a few, they are mean and nasty, isolationist and not friendly. Plus the males tend to drive like maniacs and many don't bathe as often as I might like them to. Ugh.

22)Doctor and lawyer jokes are funny because they're so true.

23) Sometimes I wish I wanted to be something more than a teacher because they aren't really respected (despite the lip service) and make so little money. But I can't seem to get it out of my system.

24) Compassion and helping others - ALL OTHERS - OK even Armenians, haha, isn't that what it's all about?

25) I want to do some grief/bereavement counseling again like I used to. It helped other people and it helped me.

26) One thing I've learned from my experiences in August, life is too precarious and too short to deal with people who are TOO MUCH WORK.

27) I've learned a lot this summer. Life's little lessons. Pay attention.

Randomness

1. Again, no brilliant title. Stop waiting for one!

2. I hate when blogger makes me sign in. Like it doesn't recognize me half the time. Hee.

3. Well, tonight Ted Kennedy died. End of an era and all that. Man, he didn't even get close to making it as long as his mother Rose did. I think she was 104 when she died. Even Eunice was 88. Whatever your political views, Ted was an imposing figure in the Senate.

***Update for Wednesday: One of my favorite writers ever died today: Dominick Dunne. I met him at a book signing. He was a classy guy. Really nice. Very sad.

4. Now that my mom has turned 70, everyone who dies in their 70's...it kind of freaks me out. HER mom lived to be 94. In fact, today is my maternal grandma's birthday. She would be 96. I don't think any of us will make it to 94.

5. I've been feeling a little down lately about all the stuff that's happened to me over the last month. I'm still glad to be alive - but the reality of what happened and how I am living now on this medicine, getting my blood taken every week, etc. is really sinking in.

6. School has started for some people. Not for me. Yet.

7. I'm afraid of the Swine Flu. Or the H1N1 virus to be politically correct. Being at schools I'm always getting sick anyway. It's freaking me out.

8.I've reconnected with an old friend via Facebook. This time it's really nice. We've been emailing each other. I forgot she is a good 10 years younger than I am. Jealous! LOL!

9.Getting my hair coloured tomorrow. No more gray!

10. The family is coming out Thursday. Just counting the minutes until my niece is in my arms!

11. Speaking of which, I went to Toys R Us to get her something today and honestly that place is a frickin' NIGHTMARE. Definitely qualifies as one of Dante's circles of Hell. The screams alone...."shudder"

12. Going to try and post a picture of the most hideous lamp I've ever seen. I went to the doctor with my mom (for her this time, not for me) and this doctor's office was something straight out of the 70's. I mean, he fucking had SHAG carpeting! His furniture was priceless. I whipped out my iPhone and took pictures of all of it. It's too good not to share.

Stuff

1. How exciting is THAT title? Stuff!? Sorry kids, it's all I have now.

2. Just went to the dr. All is well. Can exercise. I gained back the stupid fucking measley 5 pounds I lost about a month ago. I feel like I'm going in circles with my weight. I feel like I'm never going to lose this weight. I feel very, very discouraged. Can you tell? I mean, yeah, a few minor, haha, things have gotten in the way of me exercising, but sheesh. I'm so, so tired of being overweight.

3. Everyone told me how great I looked today at the dr.'s office; I must've looked like death last time I went in. I sure felt like it.

4. Got my hair cut yesterday - it's really cute. Maybe that's what everyone was commenting on. Getting it colored next week. I have to get it colored constantly it seems to keep up with the gray.

5. Might be going to Vegas after all in September after my brother leaves.

6. Brother, sister-in-law and adorable, precious niece coming in next Thursday night. I CANNOT WAIT! I cannot wait to smother my niece with hugs and kisses. I love that little girl more than life!

7. Have to take my car to the dealer tomorrow. Don't want to but the damn thing is emitting white smoke when I start it. Also, I have a headlight out and the rear defroster button is broken. My car is almost 11 years old. I want to keep driving it until I hit 200,000 miles. I am at 143,000 now. I'm sure this is going to cost me a fortune.

8. My fucking insurance, Blue Shield PPO, is refusing to pay for the last 2 1/2 days of my hospital stay. I have to file a grievance. I'd like to give them a grievance in the groin. Motherfuckers. Words have no power to express how much I hate health insurance companies. I've given them literally tens of thousands of dollars over the last 16 years in premiums and they're fighting me on my first hospital stay. Well I WILL fight. I will fight them like nobody's business. I am a TAURUS! My motto is: Fuck with the bull and you will get the horns people!

9. I couldn't tell you what Obama's plan is for health insurance for this country if you held a gun to my head. It's not that I don't care, it's that I'm so confused I can't even figure it out. I have a feeling I'm not the only one who's this confused.

10. I have absolutely no idea what's going to happen in terms of work for me. Will I be subbing for LAUSD again? I'm supposed to, but who the hell knows. I sent out about 70 resumes and did not get ONE call or ONE interview. Things are so bad here it's unbelievable. The idea of spending another year subbing makes me want to pluck my eyeballs out, but again, I can't make as much money doing anything else. I'm just acting like Scarlett O'Hara and I keep going "I'll just think about that tomorrow."

11. I am so addicted to Twitter I have almost totally abandoned Facebook. I LOVE TWITTER! It's pathetic the people I follow. Yes, I follow celebrities. Laugh away and mock me! Go ahead.

12. I am experimenting with different Coumandin dosages now (per my doctor's orders) because I can't seem to get to the magic number - the number called an INR (internationalized normal ratio) which is between 2-3. I am only at 1.48 which means my blood is too thick. Needs to be thinned out more.

13. Yesterday I shaved my legs and you would've thought I was doing brain surgery I was so careful. NOT ONE NICK OR CUT! Am I good or what.

14. Words couldn't adequately express how happy I am to be alive but it's strange having to do all these new things. Oh well, small price to pay, right?

Right.

Ummm...


Well, that was all quite exciting. Not. My dad always told me to never complain that I'm bored. It's true! The Fates are listening and they'll dish out any old kind of 'excitement' for you! LOL! That's all I have to say on THAT.

HOT HOT HOT!

I know, I've nothing to complain about as I'm not living in Phoenix or Vegas but for us it's hot here. I'm already sick of it. Is summer over yet? I seem to recall someone else asking that. ;)

Went to Curves today after an almost two week break due to illness, etc. Man, it was brutal. You really do have to keep exercising constantly or you lose it.

Have to drive into Burbank for an appointment today. I want to encase my car in ice.

Had lunch yesterday with my bestest of all best friends, Cheri, and her lovely daughter Megan. Megan is 21 and really the sweetest girl. I remember being 21 once. Haha.

The cats are spread out like roadkill - and I've got the A/C cranked. I think they can still sense how brutally hot it is outside.

Starting to PMS. I can tell because I want to eat the world. Getting weighed and measured Wed. at Curves so cannot eat the world. So unfair.

My summer is excruciatingly boring, hence this boring blog. Sorry folks. Perhaps some excitement (GOOD!) will come into my life later. Heh.

To Hell and Back

I am not exaggerating when I say that this stomach flu I've had has truly been the worse flu I've EVER had. In fact the last time I even HAD the stomach flu was over 20 years ago; I was in COLLEGE.

I don't want to bore you or gross you out but suffice it to say Friday I started feeling sick. I still managed to go to my mom's for dinner, which was good because she ended up taking me to the hospital Saturday night after I'd been throwing up ALLLLLL DAY. People, there was NOTHING TO THROW UP. I could NOT STOP DRY HEAVING! I couldn't even breathe. I also had horrible pain in my stomach. I couldn't rest, and I started getting really scared. I felt like I was going to have a heart attack. Luckily I had stayed with my mom and she drove me the 7 minutes or so to the hospital. I swear we know that friggin' ER TOO WELL! Last year, I kid you not, this very week, my mom went there and had to have an emergency gall bladder surgery. JESUS!

13 years ago I went to that ER for severe food poisoning and 4 years ago my mom had to go in for food poisoning too. I HATE THAT ER!

And let me tell you, the palliative (sp) care I got this time was HORRIBLE. And they weren't even that busy. They were supposed to give me some pain meds for the stomach pain; they didn't. I was so freaked out I did get some Ativan to calm me down, and some anti-nausea medicine and fluids. That's it. They don't even have those flat horrible pillows! I was freezing and they had one thin sheet! 13 years ago I was treated like a princess. I wonder what's happened. Less staff? Shittier management? Cost cutting absolutely.

My mom was so funny. She's like "We're not flying this airline again! No pillows, no blankets...haha." Hell you don't even get that shit on a plane anymore unless you're in first class.

Anyway, I still feel very tired and weak but thank GOD I have been able to eat some and my stomach is better. I swear I am afraid of food now! I am back home and the cats are freaking out because they missed me. Translated: The cats are freaking out because they missed getting their Fancy Feast and had to survive three days on dry kibble and water.

Honestly, I am so sick of getting sick. I would like to go six friggin' months without ONE ILLNESS!

Anyway. That's my story. I tried to spare you the grossest details. I'll be back more later with other comments.

Ciao friends!

Ouch

1. Fibro pain really, really bad this week. Don't know why. Probably no REASON why. Nothing is helping. I am literally doing nothing today.

2. Please God, let the Michael Jackson shit die down now. He's had two memorial/funeral services. EVERYONE STOP WORSHIPPING THIS SAD DEAD MAN! Move on creeps. Nothing more to see here.

3. I have my first month weigh in at Curves Friday. Great week to have it. I can barely move. I went yesterday and managed to do the whole workout...but the pain the pain! (No Fantasy Island jokes here please)

4. I really detest summer and now we're smack dab in the middle of it. I just thought I'd share that.

5. I bought my mom Bette Midler tickets for her 70th birthday in August. Yes, we're fucking nuts. We're going to Vegas in the middle of August. Apparently we are suckers for cruel, unrelenting heat. I haven't been to Vegas in about 8 years.

6. I have a lot of errands to run but the brakes are on - pain is making me sit around and do NOTHING. Sucks.

7. I have a friend going into well, honestly, rehab tomorrow. I'm a little worried for her. She's basically being forced to do it by her family and it's the kind of rehab where they detox you with drugs. I know she's scared. She um, has a really close, too close, relationship with wine. I've only known my dad to be in rehab; never anyone else.

8. That's about all that's going on here. I'm going to attach a pic of my adorable niece and her dad. It's too cute for words. Ella was really tired when this photo was taken. She has a scary kind of maturity to her as well - sometimes the way she looks - it's like she's an 'old soul.'

Happy Birthday America

Today is Independence Day, more commonly known to Americans as the 4th of July. I just wanted to take a moment to say thank you to the soldiers who are currently engaged in any way to protect America or fight for freedom for others; especially those in Afghanistan right now.

I also want to say I never take my freedom for granted. America is not a perfect country by far; I have many, many issues with it, its foreign policies with other countries, its corporate whoring ways....I could go on and on. But I do have freedoms so many others in the world do not have and for that I am eternally grateful.

I think of Neda, the young girl shot in Iran, shot and killed for what? Standing outside amongst a group of protesters? I have the right to protest my government without fear of repercussions. I have the freedom to burn the flag, to scream in the streets "I hate the government!" without fear of ending up with a bullet in my chest. I can go where I want, with whom I want. I can travel freely (with a passport of course, haha) and worship whatever god or gods I wish to worship.

I cannot yell "Fire" in a crowded theater without getting in trouble. So I think there are some limits to my freedoms. ; )

But basically I have a great life - the freedom to choose my own path in life (I apparently chose a tough one, ha), the freedom to succeed, to fail, to come and go, to vote or not vote, to believe in God or believe in small green gnomes...you get the idea.

I have these freedoms because of so many people that came before me who fought and often died for their beliefs, their ideals, their values...for my chance to live with the freedoms they only dreamt of.

I have the freedom to end a sentence with a preposition.

God Bless the nameless, faceless Others, who fought, died and won this day for me and so many others.

I am not a particularly patriotic person. But today I am. Because freedom ISN'T free and sometimes it's important we remember that. I know I do, today.

Back to Reality

Hello kids, I'm back from my vacation in Palm Springs. This was the one we were originally going to take in April. The heat didn't get really bad until the day we left; we were really lucky. I had a FABOO time swimming, getting a massage, going in the 'mineral waters' at the spa, losing about $25 at the casino on slots (damn machines wouldn't give me ANYTHING) and going off my diet and eating too much. Oh well.

I'm back and going to Curves later and back to eating so I will lose weight.

Oh something huge and horrible - a rock or brick flew up at my car on the freeway and just shattered the passenger side of my windshield. THANK GOD I was alone, it didn't penetrate the windshield or hit my side because I would've freaked even more than I did. But the Glass Doctor (I swear that's their name) came to my apt. today and gave me a new windshield for $270. Not bad. So now I have a nice new CLEAR windshield. My other one was a bit beat up as the car is going on 11 years old. I love my car and hope to push it to 200,000 miles. I'm at 142,000 now.

Nothing much else new. I was about to go down for my massage in Palm Springs when I read on Twitter about Michael Jackson. Oddly, I don't feel much about his death. I actually feel kind of bad about that. I just wasn't a fan; although there's no denying he was incredibly gifted. I think he was a very mixed up, sad soul. I feel bad for his kids and family.

I am putting more resumes out; I'm definitely NOT working this summer. I get my last paycheck this Friday. Something's got to give at some point, I swear.

I really don't have much more to say. Seriously, back to reality. I did bills earlier, mailed them, went to the market and am glad it's only 86 degrees here. I'm going to make an appointment to get my eyebrows waxed. I'm telling you, it's really and truly exciting in my life!

For My Dad

Stream of consciousness Father's Day. So many I never felt anything; I normally don't like these contrived 'holidays' anyway...my Dad's birthday is June 25th...it was always so hard to get him both a Father's Day gift AND a separate birthday gift. Funny I heard something on the radio that would've been perfect for him...oh well, too late.

It's my 14th Father's Day without my Dad and some years were so easy peasy...after 13 years I honestly can go days, weeks without thinking too much about my dad. It's like he was part of a different world; well it was different then, I was only 28 years old...just a pup...when he died and so much has happened in the last 13 years. I often wonder where I'd begin if he could come back and I could tell him the story of my life and of the world - all the amazing and horrible things that have occurred over the last 13 years. Dad, let me tell you what 9/11 means...

Who knows, maybe he knows it all, maybe he knows more than I do...it's a nice thought. I don't know where he is, if he is, I don't even think about it anymore. I obsessed on it for a couple of years after he died...where did he go? WHERE DID HE GO? Then I let it go for the sake of sanity.

My dad was above all, and below all his failings and faults (and Jesus there were many - you know, alcoholic, violent temper, etc. etc.) a good and decent man. He cried when he accidentally ran over a cat once. He loved his cat Tamarin that I gave him, even though she was kind of a bitch. He deserved better. He made me so angry when he let her out and she got knocked up with 5 kittens but I have two of those kittens now...14 year old kittens and how I cherish them and worship them. One of them was his...Fletcher...Fletcher has a crooked tail and I know my dad identified with her the most (yes it's a her - don't ask about the name - long story) because my dad had a bad back. That's like saying we had some minor problems on 9/11. My dad had a hideous back that put him in constant, unrelenting, chronic severe pain every single day from February 16, 1981 until the day he died, February 12, 1996. Fifteen years of agony and I really am glad he's out of it. He deserved a better life than he got but hey, sometimes don't we all?

My dad was generous to a FAULT. Probably the most generous person I've ever met. I think I got that from him and sometimes being too generous will get you into trouble. He spoiled us rotten from the lavish Christmases he gave us to buying me a new car after my Audi's accelerator got stuck on the freeway and almost killed me when I was 22. I remember him at the Nissan dealer, buying me that cherry red Nissan. He was in so much pain. I remember him holding his back. He took too many pills but now that I know chronic pain, I kind of understand.

He was generous with HIMSELF. He was a Renaissance man. He was brilliant and I'm not just saying that because he was my dad. He truly had amazing ideas - problem was he started one thing and never finished and was on to another in no time...he could talk about anything and everything and he did. He loved Classical music and movies and I can't tell you the times I caught him watching the ORIGINAL movie version of The Producers with Zero Mostel and he LOVED it and I think he would've been tickled to see that they took it to Broadway...although maybe not so tickled to see a remake of the movie. He loved Victory at Sea and anything having to do with World War II. He watched TV so much after he hurt his back...he taught me so much about movies, about actors and actresses way before my time. He loved sports and I know I didn't get THAT gene from him, haha, because I basically hate sports but he'd watch anything from hockey to baseball to NASCAR...whatever was on he'd watch it. He LOVED boxing and even when I said "How can you watch two men just pummel the shit out of each other" he kept watching.

He loved art, and history and oh yeah, art history; I think he loved that I was studying it. We talked about artists and paintings and he loved architecture and sailing and woodworking and industrial design and we talked about it all. He watched CNN relentlessly and we sat and talked about news and politics and I am so so so so so grateful for all the time I spent with him before he died. Just talking. Eating, talking, drinking Pepsi.

Oh yeah, forget the vodka, my dad was addicted to PEPSI - he drank so much of it I'm surprised it wasn't flowing through his veins. Towards the last few years of his life I did his grocery shopping for him and I bought so damned much Pepsi. Every time I came over he'd say "Hi Nee Pie, want a Pepsi?" See, Nee Pie was one of his nicknames for me and I can't even type it without tears running down my face because even though sometimes I have a hard time remembering him, remembering his voice, I can always, always, always hear him saying THAT so clearly.

He worked in real estate, both private and commercial, and he was brilliant at making money. But he sucked at keeping it, haha. I unfortunately am not brilliant at making money but I did seem to inherit the 'suck at keeping it' part, although I've gotten much, much better. He made enough though that for many years we lived a very very nice life and I have been taken care of since he died and for that I am eternally grateful. He was a charmer, a natural born salesman. I hate sales. I couldn't sell you anything - even for free.

He talked so much sometimes you wanted to scream, or strangle him, or even yourself. I think it was a nervous tic or something. He really talked and talked and talked. I think he got more talking done in his 53 years than a lot of people do who live until their 90's.

He talked to me about everything. I could call him with any problem and Lord knows I did. I had a lot of issues in my early 20's and he talked to me whenever, wherever. He was there for me in my 20's - he was working too hard at two or three jobs when I was young to be there for me. I understand that now. My mom had two jobs then - mother and father.

He LOVED cars. He had a lot of fancy cars in his life. Two BMW's, two Cadillacs (one of them was a white El Dorado that I called the Pimp Mobile), a Jaguar, a black Alfa Romeo, an Audi...he just loved cars.

He had really white skin - it was the Irish in him and burned so easily. I got his skin. He had skin cancer on his face a few times. This is why I live with sunscreen and have never tried to get a tan. He had the curliest hair; my niece's hair reminds me of my dad's hair. In his later years he had a balding spot. When he drove, he drove about 5 miles an hour, which drove ME nuts, and with his left arm resting on the door, he'd sit and curl one piece of hair until it stood straight out of his head like a corkscrew. It was a riot.

He showed up for all my big events - pain or not. He died three months before I graduated with my M.A. So I guessed he missed that big event.

Speaking of big, he was a BIG MAN. A TALL MAN. He was 6'4" and damn, why didn't I just get a couple more inches from him? He was never really fat at all (and when he did gain weight he could lose it faster than anyone I know) but he was a BIG guy. Very imposing.

He loved animals and was compassionate and had a pretty open mind; he talked about his gay water delivery man and I think if he were alive now he'd vote for gay marriage.

He bought my brother and I our first computers - plus laser printers! He always bought the best for us. He was a slob; between me and his maid it was all we could do to keep his house in order.

He LOVED magazines. He'd read ANY kind of magazine. He read about architecture and oil painting and interior design and sailboats and woodworking and cars and airplanes and the ones I hated the most, guns. He collected guns and that was the biggest point of contention with us - I was against the NRA, he was for it, and I didn't understand his fascination with guns. He never went hunting or shooting for any reason....all the guns were unused. So we clashed over that over and over.

He loved fine dining - and boy did I get that from him! My dad and mom took us to some of the finest restaurants in cities across the U.S. as KIDS...L.A., San Francisco, New York...he truly loved food. He loved fancy food and he loved low down messy food...a good sub sandwich was his idea of heaven. With about three Pepsi's of course.

This was my father. BTW his name is Dennis and I swear my mom insists they didn't name me after him - they never even made the connection. Notice I said his name IS Dennis. Because it IS and he IS still my father and he LIVES in my heart and no matter how much times goes by I will always be his Nee Pie.

Sanity Already Returning...Slowly

1. Even I had to laugh at my last blog. It was pretty out there and funny.

2. This is your friendly prison warden reminding you that I AM DONE FOR SUMMER!

3. Well at least I think I'm done. There's no summer school and not that many year round schools.

4. I just flirted with a news guy on Twitter (he does the news on one of our biggest talk radio stations) and he added me as a friend on Facebook. I feel like a teenager! Squee! He's really cute and has a sexxxxay voice.

5. How old am I?

6. Glad S is feeling better. Still pissed I can't go to the wedding.

7. Don't let the fact that I haven't talked much about missing the Church show fool you. I feel really sad about it. But frankly, I feel much better physically this week and that takes priority.

8. I feel badly (bad? what the hell kind of English teacher am I going to be?) about the kids who were planning to see the band in Kansas City. Kansas? KC? Who knows. Somewhere in flyover country as we Angelenos like to say.

9. My gay boyfriend Anderson Cooper's airplane was hit by lightning today. God doesn't know who He's messing with here!He needs to stop scaring my Anderson!

10. I have to go to a bank tomorrow and deal with a CD. Interest rates SUCK. I might be lucky enough to get 2.25% on my CD. I remember getting 7% once. Of course I also remember the Carter years...not that I had CD's back then...but still. 11, 12%? Crazeeeee.

11. We are still going to Palm Springs even though it's going to be brutally hot. Fuck it. I've been there in 115 degree weather. I'm getting a massage, going to the movies and gambling with the money I don't have. I'll also swim in the pool at 6am when it's only 95 degrees. Hahahahahaa. Heh. Can you say shitloads of sunscreen and a hat? Plus water and a spray bottle?

12. I heard today LAUSD is laying off 2,000 more workers. They ran out of stimulus money. What, do they fucking burn it as soon as they get it?

13. I am out of cat food. This is a scary prospect as the cats start looking at me funny. Mmmm...hungry.

14. I am super superstitious. I can't stop this blog on #13. Sorry. Deal with my eccentricities people!

Hey You Idiot Motherfuckers Quit Driving Me Crazy

I am at school now. Today is my last day. Not THE last day, but MY last day. These monkeys are on crack and I've had it for the year. Friday is officially the last day. I ha.te this piece of crap computer I am on. I just thought I'd share all my negativity with you.

I just told the class to quit driving me crazy. I kept the "motherfuckers" part in my head. I think.

There is one kid in here I want to put on a slow boat to China. The entire class is playing with decks of cards. Do I care? They could be having a cockfight and as long as they're not bothering me I do not care.

I have a free period next period. 5th period. Awesome I am going to turn out the lights and take one of my mini naps. Which is kind of uncomfortable at a desk but it beats dealing with these hyenas for another period. So far no one has broke anything, glued anything down, although I'd like to glue this girl's mouth shut. If this kid was my daughter I'd slap her face so hard her head would spin right off her neck.

They are running now. I have to go break some balls.

Randomness

1. I didn't work today. Frankly after last week, I needed today. Friday is the last day of school. I think the kids will be worse than howler monkeys at that point. Wish I had a tranquilizer gun. Uh oh, shouldn't say gun!

2. Am going to Curves in less than an hour. I'm working up a sweat just thinking about it.

3. Ok, this June gloom is making me want to slit my wrists. BUT I say that with a caveat: it has to hang on through next week. Why? Because I think we're going to make another stab at going to Palm Springs. If June gloom hangs around, PS won't be 115 degrees.


4. I really, really, really want to get out of here for a while.

5. My cryptic comment of the day: No matter what some people do, they inevitably make you feel like shit. (Don't worry loyal blog readers, this has nothing to do with you!)

5. I'm totally bummed I'm going to miss S's wedding. :(

6. The great thing about working out is that it's OK to look like shit.

7. My cat Fletcher LOVES to sit by the power cords and the surge protector under my desk. WTF? I keep kicking her out but she always goes back. Weird.

8. Catz says I have lots to say - not this time! I can't even get to 10!

*9. Update: I just got home from my workout at Curves! I feel great! However, I will be glad to get my third workout done; they require someone to be 'teaching' you the proper way to use the machines, etc. the first three workouts and I'd like to start working out on my own. But wow, I wish I'd joined sooner. Ya'll should see how red my face is though, haha.

A Really Bad Week

1. I had the hardest classes this week and am totally exhausted. Someone broke the door knobs off one of the doors; another kid actually stole one of the door knobs.

2. Another genius decided to pour white glue all over the remaining door's door knobs, counter, floor and carpet near the door. It took me forever to get it cleaned up.

3. I had my first session at Curves and it was really tough. My fibromyalgia has been really, really bad this week and I was more wiped out than I thought I would be. I am SO out of shape it's sad. But I'm going back tomorrow.

4.This is going to come as a shock to some people, but I didn't make it to the Church show. Thursday was a nightmare day. I woke up at 4 am, never went back to sleep, had the class from hell, went to get my hair done, and was in MASSIVE PAIN. I decided I just couldn't go to the concert. I'm sorry to disappoint those who were waiting for a review and you may think I'm nuts but when I get in this kind of pain I can't push myself or I will pay for it. My health comes first now. After 15 years of pushing and pushing, I have finally learned sometimes I can't do things. There was no way I could make a 3 hour round trip to stand in a club in pain and see the band.

5. Yes, I was kind of disappointed. But not as much as I would've been had I forced myself to get in more pain. Sorry kids.

6. I saw The Hangover last night. Funny, but really crude. Maybe a little crude for me.

7. I feel like death warmed over today. This is the last week of school. As much as I don't relish living on savings for two months, I also can't wait to get away from these monster kids.

8. Some woman who works at the school I was at this week came up behind me and said "You're my hero. After everything you've been through, you still show up. You're not going to let these kids beat you." I said, no I'm just glutton for punishment. But in a way she is right. I refuse to be cow -towed by a bunch of immigrant kids who don't even appreciate or want the education we are giving them FOR FREE. Sorry if I sound racist. But I am sick of them mocking the flag, mocking the flag salute and bitching about the teachers and school. Why don't they fucking quit. I'm not some jingoistic patriot. I actually don't like saying the flag salute. But I do it. I respect the freedoms I have and the things I get that other countries would never give me.

9. I also need the paycheck desperately. You all know that.

10.This is really gross, but I think my cat Zoe has acne on her chin. My other cat Fletcher had it and it went away. It's nasty. I hope this just goes away and I don't have to take her to the vet. Ick.

11. I am still eating well, SLOWLY SLOWLY losing weight. I am anxious to go back to Curves but also, anxious it will make the fibro flare up. But I will do ANYTHING to get this weight off.

12. Sorry for the disappointing news and bummer blog. That's the way it is though and it sucks but I just have to ride it out until I feel better.

FUCK YOU BLOGGER!

Blogger just erased my whole blog. I'm not retyping now. Will type again later.

Damn you!

Nice

Am at work again. At the "good" school. Was feeling OK until I read Catz's blog. Wow, what a way to call someone out on something. Instead of writing me a private email asking me not to call her at night, she makes my name the title of her blog and lets everyone know how irritated with me she is. So yeah, I'm feeling like shit now; who wouldn't? I don't know what I did that was so bad I should be publicly chastised on a blog. I was trying to be a friend; I wasn't calling at midnight and didn't know it was such a terrible time to call. I know things are hellish right now for her - hence my worry and my call. I'm sorry I was a bother. Fuck it.

I must be a real fuck-up if I can't even be a friend correctly to someone. If there's a problem with me, I always want to hear about it. I just don't feel I need to be chastised like a child in front of other blog readers.

Just my opinion. Don't worry, I WILL NOT make the mistake of calling again, at any time.

Back in the Trenches

I am writing this on an old eMac at a school on my lunch hour so I don't know how it's going to look. The format of blogger different on here for some reason.

Well anyway, I am NOT back at the school where the bitch stole my phone. And my iPhone isn't with me anymore. I have an old phone with another number I have brought with me and I put my purse in a drawer. This may not solve everything but it's better than having my iPhone here.

I am at probably the best middle school there is in my area to work at. I just couldn't up and quit; what with my mom loaning me money, etc. I feel obligated to work and contribute somehow until I can figure something else out. School is out on June 19th; I don't if or how much I'll work after that.

So yeah, the Dean at the school where the bitch stole my phone is pretty much a miracle worker and a pro at getting things back. He basically shook down the whole class and made them rat out who did it. I think she probably confessed in the end. I don't know what's going to happen to her. I think she'll be suspended. Being a thief - she should get in trouble with the cops. But I'm sure they didn't throw her to the cops.

I didn't think I'd work this morning. I was sitting in bed at 8:30 a.m. when the phone rang - that's considered a really late call, as they usually call around 5:30 a.m.

I don't know what I'm going to do, but I"m trying to be calm, not panic and just think, meditate and pray on it for now.

OH hell lunch is over already. This is the most boring blog ever. Apologies.

Quick Update

They got my phone back. The bitch who took it erased all my contacts and pictures and took the case it was in, BUT I HAVE IT BACK! It's a miracle. More later.

My Life in Ruins

Yesterday in 5th period all hell broke loose. Some fucking scumbag stole my iPhone out of my purse when I was IN the room. Brazen fuck. I'm sure they're really impressed with themselves. The class was wild. I had to call three security officers.

I'm going to quit. I can't do this anymore. Last week they stole my water bottle. A fucking water bottle. I'm going to get hurt if I continue on this path.

Or I'm going to hurt someone else. With a baseball bat. To the head.

If you think I'm being harsh, you haven't spent any time with these sociopathic criminals. I will refrain from saying what I really want to say hence I offend anyone with my comments. But I could not care less if these shitheads got struck by lightning.

It's NOT the iPhone that has me so upset. I have to go file a police report today. It sucks. It's a hassle. But I can and WILL get another one and I am going to do my best to see that LAUSD risk management reimburses me for at least part of it.

I feel violated. I feel unsafe. I feel like God is telling me I am going in the wrong direction. I can't do this anymore. And yet what will I do to make money? All I have is experience teaching - for the last 10 years that's all I've done.

I know this isn't open heart surgery and I say this with ALL seriousness. But I have been so unhappy for so long and I just want to go in a new direction with my life. I don't even know where to begin.

I get to see the little thieves later today after I file the police report. Yesterday AT & T did a GPS tracking on my phone; sure enough, it was exactly where I thought it would be - near the school. While I was 45 miles away.

These kids have pathetic lives. I hope the phone makes the kid happy. Naturally I cut off all service to it and killed the SIM card inside it. But I'm sure these crafty criminals know how to fire it up again.

They threw pencils at me yesterday and basically ran around like animals. They ARE animals. Actually, I love animals and that's an insult to them.

They're bottom feeders with no place in society.

No place in society - kind of how I feel right now.

P.S. The good news in all this is that before I got control of my eating, this would've sent me on a HUGE binge. At first I almost started to think, I want to eat...and then I realized how much weight I've lost, or rather how good I feel now...and I thought do you really want to make this worse TOO? Over some scumbag gangbanger kid? So I ate a regular dinner and went to bed. I'm really proud of myself. I still probably have 20-30 pounds to lose so I am NOT thin yet....but I am a helluva lot thinner that I was a month ago.

Not Functioning at 100% - More Like 5%

Haha. What happens when twice in one month you forget to take your Pill? Well, if you're having sex, you might get pregnant. But since that isn't an issue for me, something else happens. Your cycle gets really fucked up and let me just say that having INTENSE PMS while you're having your period is just oh so fun.

Sorry if this is TMI people, but it's what's going on. I'm crying, I miss my dad, I miss my grandmas, my grandpa, my sanity. Summer school has been cancelled and I'm worrying about money for this summer like crazy. People are sending back my resumes. I'm ready to throw in the towel on teaching. Maybe I should do what Veleska is doing.

In short, I'm a basket case now. My fibromyalgia is also acting up big time.

The only good news is I've lost a little more weight. I don't have a secret. I'm eating very few carbs, a lot of salads and probably turning slightly green. I've cut my caloric intake down quite a bit. Still haven't started exercising though. Eating much more healthy. Which is good because after what's happened to D, I am terrified for my poor heart and arteries. All those years of abuse...food abuse that is. At least I didn't/don't smoke and rarely drink. Although maybe I should start drinking. My BP has always been low too, which is good I guess.

Am working Monday; some teacher caught me leaving Friday and asked me to work for her. I think I must look trustworthy or something. A lot of teachers have been requesting me lately. The saddest thing is I know I'd be a very good teacher; the economy is just so bad there's NOTHING out there now. I feel like a broken record; like all my blogs are the same.

I'm really happy for S and D and the news that perhaps soon they shall be ONE....haha. Seriously, what wonderful news. :D

At least there's that! Because I've got hormones running amuck in me making me feel like it's all so worthless.

When is it my turn? When do I get to meet someone wonderful? I know, I know, I have to 'get out there." When someone can figure out where OUT is, I'll go there.

School is out on the 19th. I don't know how much I'll work - some schools run all year - through the summer, so I might work a little. Who knows and who cares.

I'm so ready to delete this blog. This is the ugly, sad, self-pitying part of me. Not pretty huh?

More Randomness

1. I don't know why but I woke up in a good mood today. Probably because 1)I slept last night and 2) the stupid phone didn't ring at 5:30a.m. waking me up with a work call. I really need the money but for once it was nice to NOT have that damned phone ringing.

2. I have had the new Church album for a while and now I LOVE IT. LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE!!!!!!!!!!!!! Especially the song "Operetta." It took me several listens to warm up to the whole album but now I think it's beautiful.

3. I am having trouble getting used to these new computer keys on my new computer. I am making far too many typos. I am also being redundant.

4. I have lost even more weight. I don't know how much; my scale is broken. But I see myself and I can tell and my clothes are actually getting looser. I still have about a thousand pounds to go, but I think I finally have some control over my eating. It feels really good.

5. On that note, I am going to check out Curves. I know Veleska went and I know I need to start moving to facilitate more weight loss.

6. I've sent out 20 more resumes. I can just hear the people laughing when they receive them, but I have to do something.

7. I'm very sad and distressed by S's news of D. I'm sure the procedure will go fine, but I really want him to change his habits so he will be here a long time. Who else will remind me that there are good, decent men out there?

8. I found 8 pennies at the gas station today. I'm sure we've all dropped the occasional penny, but sheesh - 8? I know it's nothing really, but I picked them up. I'm trying to decide how to invest them. ; )

9. I wanted to take an Excel class at the local community college and then I found out the class started today and is during the DAY. Hello, people do WORK you know. Why don't you have this class at night idiots! Now I don't know where to find an Excel class.

10. This blog is pretty damned boring. I will end it with another cryptic comment: When you use me as an afterthought, I will burn you and disappear.

Random Stuff

1. My grandfather died - MAY 14th! His bastard son (and he is a bastard) never bothered to call us. There was a burial, but no funeral. Once again, I feel robbed of the chance to say goodbye. I guess I'll go to the cemetery myself.

2. I woke up at 3:30 a.m. again this morning. I haven't done that in a while. THANK GOD I'm not working today because honestly you are just beat by the time you get to work when you wake up that early.

3. I'm helping a friend move next weekend. The true test of friendship! Haha!

4. I'm sending out resumes like a fool, knowing there are no jobs out there. But what else can I do?

5. Watch out kids, I'm PMSing again. Yes it's that time of month again. Today I feel weepy, sleepy and sneezy. And I'm not even at Disneyland.

6. Not that I'm complaining but the Memorial Day weekend seemed really long.

7. I finally have my new computer. I'm deeply, madly in love with it. I've even managed to get almost everything off my old computer and onto this one without any help. I'm not really technologically savvy you see.

8. I admit it, I'm on Twitter. So sue me.

9. I so want to go back to sleep - it's been 5 hours since I've been up but I can't seem to get there.

10. When you have nothing, you have nothing to lose. I know what this means, it's my own little message to myself.

11. I promise to try to blog something more exciting next time. Maybe I'll rob a bank.

Transitions

If you don't know who you are
Then you never were much to me anyway
If you don't know you're fading fast
I wonder how long you thought this would last

You've extricated yourself from my life
With busyness and business and other such excuses
And certainly you must know a rose untended to
Will die on the vine

I wish there was something more than history
To fill my memories
To remind me of why I even bother trying
This may indeed be our last hurrah

But it doesn't feel very festive to me
A death is a death by any name
And for you my dear, I no longer feel the same

And not with a bang but with a whimper
Will this - what? relationship? breathes its last
Don't worry my dear
We'll always have the past.

Atlanta, etc.

Well, let's see...where to begin. We left for Atlanta on Friday morning the 8th. We were going specifically for Mother's Day, as my sister-in-law just lost her mother suddenly last October and is understandably having a lot of grief. Anyway, I've already talked about the reappearance of my insane fear of flying. Even with Xanax, I've been especially nervous on the last few flights I've taken. Let Dr. Freud figure out. Also, coming home sick on a plane is truly one of the lousiest experiences you can have when traveling. Especially sitting in economy class - I mean, the sardine section. I'm sure it has to do with issues of being out of control, blah blah blah. But I also fear the plane just falling out of the sky and me screaming for 30,000 feet. Eh. Hopefully I'll go back to my more philosophical, Zen-like way of flying in the future.

The trip was fine until I got sick on Tuesday. We ALL got sick to one degree or another. My poor niece Ella had one of the worst head colds I've seen in a toddler. She was just dripping all over - sorry to be so graphic. Her face made you feel miserable just looking at it! But aside from napping a little more, she was her usual happy, cheerful self, playing with us, watching Sesame Street, and worshipping her God, Elmo. She really is one of the happiest, good-natured children I've met; after all she's been through, she's really quite the chipper one. Anyway, then her mother Mary got sick, and her father (my brother), then me, then my mom. And as we alllllll know by now, when I get a cold, I get slammed and also get a sinus infection. Let's just saying landing at LAX gave new meaning to the words "ear pain."

Because of Ella - then the rest of us - we mostly hung out, went out to dinner, visited a cute town called Roswell, GA and then we flew home Wednesday morning. The coolest thing was my mom got fed up with the stupid airport shuttles and hired a private car to take us to and from the airport. THAT was sweet. I could seriously get used to that treatment. I stayed at my mom's on Thursday night, picked up the cats on Friday and oh yeah, went to the doctor Friday morning.

I called and pretty much said "I HAVE TO SEE THE DOCTOR NOW!" I knew I needed the dreaded Levaquin antibiotics. My dr. (whom I've known for 7 years) told me for the first time yesterday that he used to have sinus infections for 6-7 months out of the year. He is better now, but insisted I see an allergist. He was telling me how he takes such good care of his nose. I wish I could take my nose off at night and place it on a velvet fucking pillow like a crown, you know? So I'm making an appointment on Monday because you know, I JUST CANNOT GO ONE FREAKIN' MONTH WIHTOUT MAKING AN APPOINTMENT WITH SOME KIND OF DOCTOR!

I know, believe me, I know, this could be worse. Sinus problems fall into the category of highly annoying, not highly dangerous.

Oh but let's rewind and talk about those two feline bitches I have. Sadly, when I board them, for whatever reason, the vet insists on placing them in separate cages. So when they get out, they are all pissed at each other, smelling different odors and scents and treating each other like strangers. I always take them to the vet in one giant carrier (why I don't have bigger arm muscles just from carrying that occasionally is beyond me.) Usually they'll go home in one carrier, but fight like cats and dogs. Hahaha. Not funny. This time Fletcher REFUSED to get into the carrier with Zoe. So the vet was kind enough to loan me a tiny carrier for Fletcher. So I drive home, almost an hour's drive, with these two cats, and Zoe is just HOWLING the entire time. I thought about pulling over on the freeway and tossing her carrier out the door. Every now and again Fletcher would let out a low "MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW" just to make it sound like stereo in the car. Zoe was making these gutteral noises with her throat that really belonged in "The Exorcist: Feline Demons" or something. Bitches! Did not! make my! day! any! easier!

So after dumping them at home I went to get my Rx filled so I can fill my body with more antibiotics. Such crap! Zoe walked around and cried all night last night and I was reminded once again, how lucky I am to be childless.

This is the extent of my exciting life. I have used up all my absences with regards to subbing, so come Monday, I work or....or....I don't know what'll happen. Hell, there's less than a month of school left anyway. I've decided no matter what it is, I have to get a full-time job come Sept. because subbing is just not cutting it, money wise. Plus I hate it. BUT in this economy who knows what kind of job I will, or can, get it. I hate the not knowing, the uncertainty. I am trying to tell myself that someday I will have my classroom and be able to teach like I want to. And never end sentences with prepositions. In other words, I'm trying to be positive. As S so astutely noted, people keep having kids, so they've got to have teachers.

Right know, who knows. That is what my life is like - a big giant WHO KNOWS!

Back

I'm back from Atlanta but have a nasty cold - Ella (my niece) was sick when we got there, as was my sister-in-law (I think) and we all ended up getting sick. I usually get the worst cold - who knows why. I will blog about the trip later. I feel drained and have nooooooooo energy today. Also I'm having extreme flying fears lately and I don't know why. I'd gotten sooooooooo good at flying, even after our engine blew out over the Pacific when coming back from Hawai'i 13 years ago. There is always a tremendous amount of turbulence flying from Atlanta to L.A. - why? Going against the wind? Who knows....but I was so nervous the entire flight yesterday I think I expended enough energy to light an entire town. I was holding armrest so tightly I thought I broke my hand. Ugh.

Anyway, when I have some more energy I'll fill y'all in on in on things....

Stuck

Oh yeah, that was definitely my hormones speaking in my last blog. Let's just say things have moved along and mentally I feel much better. No longer feel homicidal urges.

I haven't worked in forever. I took a week off, because we were going to Palm Springs and I'd already taken it off and I wanted to see how this flu would pan out (a lot of media hsyteria), and now I'm not working because they're doing state testing this week and teachers MUST be at school to administer these tests. I remember doing it last year. It's all part of No Child Left Behind. Then I'm taking a week off starting tomorrow because Friday morning we're leaving for Atlanta. Tomorrow the cats ARE going into the brink. Extreme sadness ensues. It's going to be a fight getting them into the carrier. That's always fun. Scratches for me and wailing and crying for them.

So Friday morning we're a-leaving on a jet plane! A flu-mobile. Haha. Kidding. I'm so excited because I get to see my crazy niece. I miss her sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much. She apparently has changed a LOT since Christmas. And I was so sick at Christmas I barely interacted with her.

I am still suffering from a major case of inertia. I am stuck. I can't seem to put any resumes out because frankly I don't think there's going to be any teaching jobs available, and well, I'm just STUCK. I have learned helplessness. Sometimes I think subconsciously I've had so many bad teaching experiences in the last three years I don't even want to teach anymore. But what else am I qualified to do? And what jobs are available in this economy? Nada! I'm stuck in almost every area of my life. It sucks. If anyone has any advice how to get unstuck I'd love to hear it. I actually bought a book called "Stuck: Why We Can't (or Won't) Move On" and hell, I've been too stuck to even read it. I just pulled it off my bookshelf. Dust off the dust jacket and it's time to read it.

I loooooooooooooooooove my new iPhone. It does everything - except get me unstuck. Oh - the one thing it doesn't do - voice activation. I'm stunned. HELLO APPLE? You're a bunch of fucking morons for neglecting this ONE feature. It was soooooooooooooooooooooooooooo easy to use my Bluetooth on the road with my Razr phone and just touch my ear and say "Call Steven at home" and my phone would dial it for me. But does the iPhone have this incredible safety feature? NO! Apple thinks of EVERYTHING and really, oddly enough, the phone is the weakest link in the iPhone. What a bunch of morons. In July Apple is offering several new free updates to the iPhone and I'm praying voice-activated dialing is one of them. I can't be looking up a number to dial while speeding down the freeway. Idiots. It's so obvious it's almost like they excluded it on purpose.

I'm also looking forward to going away because on vacation your reality is totally suspended and you don't have to face anything. I need to start packing because well, it takes me a few days to get my packing shit together. I'm not only stuck, I do everything in slow motion. I should've had some kids. They'd get me going, haha. My life is technically 1/2 over and where the hell am I? Where am I going? Nowhere fast, as they say.

My foot is much better but not 100%. I'd say another few weeks and hopefully it will be close to 100%. It's been a little over a month since I took a header over the bench and smashed my foot into the concrete wall of the bench. Ouch.

Well this may be my most boring blog ever. Blame it on me being stuck.

Photo: My niece Ella, making one of the craziest faces I've ever seen on a toddler.

Beyond Cranky

I am in such a bad mood right now; words cannot convey it. A lot of it STILL has to do with my PMS. Ever since I started taking this Yaz birth control it seems my PMS is better but NOT THIS MONTH! I want heads on a stick! I want to kill! I want to scream! I can't really pinpoint exactly what's wrong so that's why I think it's hormonal.

Big plans for the weekend. My cousin and I are supposed to go visit my grandpa tomorrow. He is in a convalescent home; I feel really badly for him. He is 95 going on 96 years old and basically just sitting and waiting to die. Is there anything worse?

Sunday I am helping Jill with her garage sale. She is selling almost all her grandma's stuff. FUN TIMES AHEAD!

I've done nothing with my week. Even my iPhone isn't doing it for me anymore. THAT was fast, huh? No wonder kids need new toys about every three seconds. Fuck Fuck fuck fuck fuck!


FUCK!

Concerned, But Not Alarmed

When the President starts parsing adjectives over a possible flu epidemic/pandemic I start to wonder....

Anyway, the bad, sad, mad, crazy news is that I am NOT in Palm Springs and won't be going this week. All things were just not working in our favor. My foot hurts more today - a lot of walking was out. The weather is too cool - not cooperating at all. No pool. Other problems involved a head cold, an infected eye and PMS. I will take responsibility for the foot and the PMS. Haha. So we've postponed the trip. The good news is I'm not working today, nor tomorrow, as I hardly ever, ever work on Tuesdays. The obvious news is I turn 42 today and how do I feel about this? Bleh. Blah. Blah blah blippity blah.

If it was up to my mom, I'd never go back to work, because she has surpassed both concerned and alarmed and has gone into mild hysteria over the flu. She tends to work herself up pretty easily about these things.

So I wake up early this morning and my fridge gives me an early morning b-day gift. It starts making a crackling noise; then I smell something burning. It only took two hours for the dimwits in maintenance to get to my apartment and look at it. Turns out there were about 2,000 dust bunnies under and behind the fridge; they vacuumed it out (yes I'm a lousy housekeeper for not moving the fridge for months and months) and looked it over and declared that dust/dirt/whatever probably got near something hot. There is no more burning smell but the damn thing has been clicking all morning. I ASKED dimwit maintenance man why it was clicking but did he know? Hell no! He just said if the temperature changed to call them. Hell, I see a new fridge in my future. The freezer seems less freezing than it should. They'll be back - no doubt in a few days. If I call them again now, maybe I'll be lucky enough to get them back here by Wednesday.

So happy birthday to me! Being an adult sucks! I want to be a kid again when all I had to do was look forward to my awesome cake and gifts! And pin the tail on the Democrat! I mean, donkey.
My sweet mom is actually making me a cake; that's pretty cool of her. Not that I need cake. I've lost weight and want to keep losing but hey, a person has to have some cake on his/her b-day, right?

Thomas, your quips and quotes and prose and poems have been cracking me up on Facebook. You're quite the wit lately.

S, I haven't commented yet on today's blog, but I love the title. SNAP! Bad mood for no reason! That should be my middle name. I'm actually thinking of changing my middle name to 'misanthrope.' Or just 'bitch.' Also, chronic pain is, as you know, just infamous for creating bad moods and they ARE there for a reason: you are in PAIN! In a way, after 15 years I have to be used to it, but then again, I'm not. I think I've got some crazy ass hope stuck in my head that one morning I'll just wake up FREE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'll let you forks know if/when this happens. In the meantime, I continue to feel bad S, that you are suffering, and I want the chiro to speed things up for you! (And yes Sandy, forks = food = something I think about too often.)

The cats have no idea how close they came to going into the brink today. They're just lying on the bed, snoozing away, oblivious as usual. My goal is to find a pet sitter before the postponed trip so I won't have to put them in isolation in cold, dark, dank cells! It's like GITMO FOR CATS! They don't even get a prayer mat.

Well I haven't been on Facebook in about 27 seconds, so time to check for updates. The iPhone cometh sometime this week - THAT insanity is still ON!

Random Thoughts

1. I normally don't get too concerned about flu outbreaks (i.e. the bird flu a few years ago) but this swine flu outbreak is disturbing. It's being passed from person to person and is quickly making its way around the world to various countries. There are 7 confirmed cases here in CA. Naturally. And what do I do? Teach Hispanic kids who go back and forth to Mexico constantly with their families (if you haven't heard the outbreak is much, much worse in Mexico - esp. Mexico City). They'd better leave the oink virus down there. I'm gonna be a Nazi about using Kleenex, covering mouths when sneezing, coughing and washing hands. Yes, this flu has me a bit spooked.

2. I am going to Palm Springs tomorrow (my b-day!) for a few days. I will be back Friday. It's only going to be in the mid 80's there so it should be nice.

3. The saga of my right foot. Where did I leave off? I had a billion x-rays at the urgent care and the weird dr. said there were no fractures. This was on a Thursday. Then on Monday as I'm driving back home from Burbank, I get a voice mail from the urgent care stating that they need to speak to me, but because of strict HIPPA (confidentiality) laws, can't tell me what's wrong. Way to get me all anxious. So I race on over there and the radiologist looked at the x-rays and thought MAYBE I had a fracture on the dorsum area of my foot (top of my foot). MAYBE. They weren't sure. I'd need a CAT-SCAN. But they wouldn't just give me one; no, they told me it'd be 3-5 days before my insurance even OK'd it. 3-5 days? Hello, I have a PPO - it should only take one phone call to get approval. I demanded to see the doctor and ended up seeing ANOTHER dr. who looked at my x-rays again and just wasn't convinced I had a break. Also, the weird thing was, I had NO PAIN on top of my foot.

However, this is the strangest injury I've ever experienced. Every day the pain migrates. It was in my heel and the dr. didn't know why. Now it's mostly on the side of my ankle. Some days it's much better...sometimes it's gone entirely. However if I'm on my foot all day for work it gets a little irritated. The doc said just keep wrapping it with the Ace bandage and take the anti-inflammatories and if it's worse, come back. They said there wasn't much they could do anyway for a bone on top of the foot. So I am babying it the best I can. Today it's really quite good. I think the tendons and ligaments are healing very slowly. It itches too. Weird huh? I have to stop myself from scratching my foot and lower leg. Honestly, I had no idea I would get such a long-lasting injury from that fucking bench accident. But feet take a long time to heal. I won't be doing a ton of walking this week, needless to say. More like a ton of being in the pool.

4. I'm really sorry to hear about S's back problems and pain. I so understand the lack of energy part. Chronic pain just drains you. And she's right. DON'T WAIT TO TRY AND MAKE IT BETTER! I had fibro for 11 years before I even got on a medicine that helped me because I wasn't aggressive enough about my treatment. I had it for 10 years before I even got something for the pain - some Ultram - which really isn't a true narcotic but does have similar pain-killing properties. I think I thought I could tough it out - and I did for 11 years and then pretty much cracked. There's just no need to suffer. Anyway, I hope and pray this chiro can help you S like he claims! The claims sound good so I have my fingers crossed for you.

5. I have been working 4-5 days a week which is twice what I was working in the fall. Good money; however my mind is shot by the end of each day spending it with over 200 hormonal howler monkeys.

6. I have to board the cats this week. I HATE HATE HATE doing this to them. They fight it like crazy, they cry incessantly once I get them in the carrier and I know they are sad and unhappy. But I still haven't found anyone I trust to come in to my house and take care of them. I soooooo miss the services of Gena. Ha! I don't miss her friendship - just her taking care of the cats. I'm so cold.

7. I can't believe I'm 42 years old. That just sounds so ADULT and yet I still feel about 25 in my head. (My body is another story). Sometimes I feel like a child and just want to cry and throw a tantrum! LOL! God, my grandma was just having my DAD at 42. Insanity.

8. I am getting an iPhone for my birthday. I am terribly, abnormally excited about this! I do not and cannot keep up with everything in the tech world - just don't have the money for it. But I've wanted an iPhone for a long time and my sweet, generous mom is going to get it for me. Really, it's scary how excited I am over this. I'm thinking "Oh great, I can do Facebook now anywhere I want!" My addiction to Facebook is another problem. Let's face it - anything that keeps me away from reality - I'm up for it.

9. I received my Church tickets in the mail. I also pre-ordered the new CD. I admit, I am getting more excited to see them, but think I may end up going solo. SAD SAD SAD! My friend Cheri won't go, and I doubt Jill will go. I can ask my cousin Sara, who goes to clubs all the time, but she might be bored with the Church. Who knows.

10. Well, that's all folks. I almost called you guys forks. Gotta run some errands. Joy! Be good, have a good week and wash your hands!