Strike This Motherfuckers

Well pardon my French, especially as a teacher. But I keep hearing more and more about a strike - a strike that teachers will vote on next month, a strike where they will walk out the very month we are supposed to start student teaching. How massively this will affect us, our schedules, our potential to get jobs, interviews...knows no bounds.

But beyond my own selfish reasons for not wanting the strike, I am so sick of this useless union. I pretty much ranted about it in another blog so I won't repeat myself. I've been talked to a couple of my friends in the cohort and I am utterly stunned...stunned at how naive I can still be. That I thought somehow, someway this semester would be easier than last semester...hahahaa!

The district has offered a 3% pay raise, retroactive to last July, full health benefits and smaller class sizes. Sounds pretty decent. But no. The teachers want a 9% pay raise and they're going to walk out on the kids, on us, on everyone for it. And they'll walk back in with maybe 5 or 6% if they're lucky and they will have fucked everyone over for it and the union reps will get richer and the teachers still won't be able to buy a house here and the kids' grades will be screwed up and I really, really, really am thinking about shoving this credential in a box in June and going to work in administration, just selling the hell out for the money.

Disappearing

Yes, that's me I'm talking about - I'm slowly disappearing and praise GOD it is GREAT! Yesterday I went to the mall (ugh) and I stopped in at J. Jill. I haven't bought anything from J. Jill in eons. But I think I've probably lost somewhere in the range of 10-15 pounds and oh my GOD I actually fit into a MEDIUM sized blouse! The angels were singing and I didn't want to weep so badly whilst looking at my body in the dressing room. Why? Because I could see my old body coming back....very slowly, ok I'm not too toned, but I can see it in there! I'm so proud of myself. I always lose weight pretty fast when I want to - I'll hit a plateau at some point but I felt like Scarlett O' Hara yesterday as I walked out of the store with my new purchases and I wanted to yell "AS GOD IS MY WITNESS I WILL NEVER BE FAT AGAIN!" Really. I mean, I know it's not cool and all to rail against fat, but on my body, personally, I hate hate hate hate hate it and find it disgusting. My biggest hope? That my boobs shrink back down to their lovely 36C size. Praying to the Boob God, haha. I still have a LONG way to go...but just seeing a hint of what I used to be is enough to keep me from binging on anything. Truly, I feel lighter already and it's amazing.

I also managed somehow, with the help of my friend Peri, to start studying for the RICA test I have on February 10th. It's my LAST standardized test for the Program and it tests us on our ability to competently teach children to read. I am such a huge literacy advocate that studying for this isn't too painful. It's not calculus.

It rained today. I'm sure it'll still be freezing cold here tonight. California has lost a ton of money with the citrus industry. My mom's flowers died and her grass was covered in ice. I do not remember a time when it was so cold here. Personally, I like it. It's like an actual SEASON for once. Even though I generally find January and February desperately depressing, at least I know it's winter.

The bad news: I watched American Idol for the first time last night. Oh my god, it's like a train wreck you cannot stop watching. These tryouts are so embarrassing. I cringe and yet cannot turn the channel. I have hit a new TV low. Why doesn't Paula Abdul just come clean and tell people what she's on? Because clearly the woman is either on medication, taking street drugs or drinking. She is whacked out.

I am toying with the idea of going to London and the English countryside in late June. Or sometime after the Program ends. Who knows though. The strike could send us all into an entirely different schedule and then I will have to resort to serious violence. Ok, I'm kidding about that last part, but really.

I attended my first Buddhist meditation class Monday night. I really liked it. The whole point of me doing this is so I won't feel the need to commit acts of violence against the Idiots I am forced to work under and with. LOL! Ahhh, radical acceptance....letting go....

I have to go exercise and study. This is an entirely different post from my last one and don't ask me how I got motivated to do something -anything - because I really don't know. It could all end tomorrow and I could be back on the couch slipping into indifference. You never know.

Losing the Will....


...to live. Yes, I actually think I've had too much vacation now. I know, I know, when I was in The Program (I almost wrote Pogrom - wow) - I could.not.wait. to get on holiday as those across the pond and Down Under say. December 22, 2006 was my first official day of freedom. Holiday and family madness sucked up at least a week and a half of that. Then I did spend days, blessed days, catching up on sleep, reading, reading, reading. Reading everything - filling my head with more useless information but god I crave it for some crazy reason. Reading blogs I had to abandon because of so much homework; reading websites, news, hard news, soft news, entertainment news (Britney loses her panties and I lose my lunch), Saddam dies, the world shrugs, I read and read, old magazines, Time, Newsweek, events long since passed, old news, new news, Vanity Fair - oh it's like a book to get through that mag, The New Yorker, Psychology Today, stray magazines I bought in the heat of the "I've got to read this!" moment that have been slowing growing sleepy, quiet and tired under my table. I hardly knew they were there. I have books galore all over the apartment; I must be reading at least 4 books at the same time and actually, I will finish one of them. I really will. Right now my brain hurts and I don't want to look at words. Amazing.

But god I have gotten so lazy it's scaring me. I can't seem to write back emails I owe to people, even writing this blog is taking some kind of psychic energy out of me I don't feel I have. I wanted to write a whole different blog about memory - which hopefully I will - sooner, rather than later. Catz's blog today made me start thinking long and hard about my memory, what I fixate on in the past, and the beauty and curse of having a spectacularly visual and good memory (yeah, I'm talking about myself).

I have gotten my lazy ass up and done a few things. Went to the dentist to have the tiny chip in my tooth fixed and came out with almost new-looking front teeth - for a price. Ha. I decided to do the big 'winter cleaning and organising' fest. Gave bags of clothes to the Goodwill; I tossed so much crap I didn't even know I had, organised the rest into neat little piles of: will use soon, need now, may use in the future, and the biggest pile of all: still psychologically cannot let go of some crap. That's a big pile. It's all of it isn't it, really? I saw Suzanne Somers (sp?) on the television after her house burned down in Malibu. Say what you will about celebrities - but that was her house, and all her worldly posessions were in it...and she looked so stunned, so shocked and my heart went out to her. How and why do we get so attached to mere things... I don't know...it's like building a little safety nest I suppose. And yet some people have no things they care about. Naturally I would grab my cats and myself first in an emergency but I do think of all the pictures I have that would be lost - pictures of my dad, now almost 11 years gone, pictures that can't be replaced. GOD I have got to make the copies and put the originals somewhere safe. Why do I put off doing things like this? So my things I would not want to lose...my books, and pictures and journals and little things people have given me. Sentiment is at the root of it all I'm sure. If I just didn't give a shit...

Then I decided in addition to losing the crap I needed to lose major weight; I cleaned out all the cupboards - have started over from scratch which I've actually never really done, despite saying I'm starting over. Sure, I've tried to diet and diets fail. This is just slowly changing my eating habits. And my eating habits had begun to appall even me and I've never been the queen of healthy eating. Pushing 40 might do that to you - time to shape up or ship out. Outta time baby. 30 was a warning bell - you ignored it and now the Moment has come. You ain't gettin' out of this one alive. Oh shit, you're right! Goddamn, I'm not. I'm really fucking not. I'm not gonna be young forever. I'm not going to be the 25 year old I am in my head. Little strange things are happening to my body. I'm really gonna die someday? But does anyone really comprehend THAT one? So I always had a fairly thin, nice figure - not model thing - I have boobs and look like a woman, not a 12 year old boy - but man I rocked it once in my early 20's with my body for a while. Those were good times. I had youth and a great metabolism and health on my side. Now...of course the fucking ominpresent fatigue and pain of fms, the gift that just keeps on giving, doesn't help. In fact it keeps me constantly screwed up but I just have to live with it. It ain't going away. I don't know that the Beast and I have made any peace at all on a daily basis - well, maybe some...but over the long haul, the last 13 years, I've acquiesced, kicking and screaming the entire way. But even I know I can't really win this one. I decided I didn't have to let it take over my entire being however and turn me into the Pillsbury Dough Boy's friggin' wife. I really went to hell in a handbasket last semester eating everything in sight. I can only blame the medication for starting my weight gain 2 1/2 years ago. I've kept it going. Me and Oprah. We've got food issues, haha. Yep, I think it's safe to say I'm never gonna do hard drugs and Grey Goose just isn't as comforting as an entire bag of chips. What can I say? I guess it took a looming big birthday to shake me to my to my senses and make me realise if I eat for every screwed up emotion I can't or don't want to deal with I'm gonna have to rent another apartment for myself. Oh and don't think my ego hasn't been blown to hell. *I* remember the girl with the rockin' bod, the long legs, the size 6 mini-skirts. Well, reality says I'll never be a size 6 again but really, I can still get back to a pretty decent body -and more importantly, a healthy body.

Anyway, so from December 28 to this moment I've eaten healthier than I ever have in my life! yay! I've had veggies with practically every dinner! I've had fruit, whole grains, lean chicken and fish! Do I feel renewed with loads of energy! No. Sorry. In fact I've had a shit few days here with The Beast - sometimes I think it's easier to deal with the pain when I'm in class. I can't focus on it so much. I'm sure the good eating will help in time. At least it helps my overall healthy, if not my chronic pain directly.

Which brings me back to....I'm doing so little on this extended vacation that I swear I'm just going to disappear into the couch one day. Maybe they're be a little puddle of me left somewhere. I'm still reading, but less. I'm watching old movies late, late at night. Jesus, I didn't go to sleep until 5am this morning. My sleeping is officially fucked up. I've been sucked into the morass of cable TV showing my past at 2:30am and like some junkie, I can't turn it off. I just sit and stare and suck it all in.

I need to go back to school. As much as it pains me to say it, and I am not looking forward to the idiocy of the morons running the Program, I need to get back on a schedule. I get off of my routine for too long, the Beast takes over, the Melancholy finds me, and it's woe-is-me for days on end. I start to not even get dressed some days. I wander the apartment in depressed haze. I uguess I really pissed off my *friends* when I was busy trying to get my credential last semester because they don't seem interested in seeing me now or doing anything. Fuck 'em. I've kind of had it with people. I'm on a real anti-people mood now. A 'my friends can suck it' kind of mood. LOL! How to win friends and influence people. Well, we all know I've never exactly been queen of the ball, or belle of the ball or however the hell you say it. Miss Congeniality. Not.

This semester we have 6 weeks of classes and then we're supposed to do 9 weeks of full-day teaching; it's our classroom student teaching.

Oh but I forgot to mention the monkey wrench - because there's always one in there somewhere. The teachers are about to strike. In March. Exactly at the same time we're supposed to student teach. Can you believe this timing? I've got no respect for the union - pussies and fat cats. Teachers have had a union for HOW LONG????? And they fucking fight for crumbs. Teachers still make shit salaries but union reps and school board members and superintendents are paid quite well - shit, our new superintendent is getting $300,000 a year, a a car, a house, benefits - and what's he gonna do for LAUSD? What the hell good is the union doing?? Why haven't they gotten teachers the money they deserve? I have no sympathy for them. Fuck the union - they've failed in my eyes. I was forced to join the union when I taught college - and I mean forced. I HAD to pay union dues - it wasn't a choice. Why do teachers need a union anyway? Why can't we be considered white collar professionals like doctors or lawyers? Why the victim mentality? Oh poor us, poor teachers. I'm so sick of it.

So go strike for your 5 % raise or your extra $50 for faculty meanings but it's all meaningless to me. I know what I'm walking into. Just pull your shit together by March so I can teach and do what I love to do. And because as great as vacations are, I don't need another 5 weeks off.

Photo: Eric Bana - for no reason other than he's hot as hell. This photo is from the upcoming film "Lucky You" - I saw a trailer for this last Friday and holy shit, is this guy smoking or what? Man, I missed it entirely in "Munich." Surprised by lust; it's always fun.