MadameBastet-Firing-Neurons

Breakdown

Well, I'm not even sure this is going to post correctly
as apparently something is fucked up with my blog. I
thought it might have to do with something in regards to
the last blog, so I deleted it. I don't know how my blog looks
now to other people. It looks fine to me, but obviously
something's wrong.

I think I finally cracked today. I'd been studying science so
long and so hard my brain literally hurt. Even though I know
your brain can't hurt; I swear mine did. I promised my tutor
Mike I'd take a practice CSET math test and I did this morning
and fucked it up in more ways than I can count. Granted I was
tired (what else is new), anxious, totally froze up when I realized
I didn't even know how to go about the first question. I blew so
many - I would've failed and the test is less than two weeks away.

There's a lot riding on this test - mainly my ability to student
teach in January. I need to do that to continue forward and make
money. I don't have endless amounts of money. I just paid a bunch
of medical bills, my tuition, credit cards, cell phone...Jesus it adds
up. I've never been so frazzled and out of it. I am really scared.
This is not like me. I am usually very organized, on top of everything,
I remember everything, and conduct my life in a pretty
responsible manner.

I've always prided myself on being on top of EVERYTHING.
I am nothing if not organized, responsible and conscientious.
Yes, I am a perfectionist and over the years I've learned to let that
go, but it's hard. Even with FMS I am a type A personality.

I realized, with complete horror and shock (I am a bit of a drama
queen) that I completely forgot to pay my estimated taxes in June.
I pay taxes four times a year on the interest I get from the modest
inheritance I received from my father. The week the taxes were due
was the week my friend had surgery, the week I went to meet Anderson Cooper, the week my kids graduated, and the last day of school. In ten years, I have NEVER forgotten to pay my taxes.
I know it's not the end of the world - hell, I'm sure the penalty
won't be that huge, but it was like an indictment of how disorganized
and scrambled my brain has become. I couldn't even blame that
goof on the test.

I had a miserable day today. Gena took me out, we had lunch
and I know I was a lousy companion. I'd just essentially failed my
math test and I've spent hundreds of dollars on this tutor. I am NOT
a stupid person. I have a master's degree, I had almost a 4.0 in
grad school, I have a fairly decent IQ. I just cannot comprehend
math. And apparently I'm missing science questions I should be
getting too. The problem with these fucking tests is that they
expect you to study and know EVERYTHING - and it's impossible.
I have an excellent memory and I have an amazing amount of
knowledge in my head, but it never seems to be enough.

I've been very emotional, crying at the drop of a hat. I've noticed
when I type letters my words are screwed up. My spelling is totally
off. I can't seem to form sentences when I speak. My house is a mess.
I started stuttering last night talking to my mom - I've never
stutterd in my life. I'm tired constantly. I'm in pain all the time -
I'm sure it's do to the mental stress I'm under.

I know this isn't a life or death situation; it just would be so
easier for me if I pass this now, rather than have to take it again
in September when school is started and I have four classes to go
to.

The thing that scared me the most, is I am so preoccupied,
I almost caused an accident driving with my friend in the car.
She said she was going to drive until my test was over. It's fine
with me. I am struggling with myself to just let go of this - all
I ever wanted to do was matter a little bit in this world - to make
the world a better place. I love teaching. Why is it so hard? I've
proven I'm a good college teacher and I'm excellent with little
kids. They're screaming for good teachers - here I am you fuckers!

Tonight G and I saw Pirates - wow. I'm exhausted from seeing it.
It was fun,and Johnny Depp was naturally delicious - but there was
SO much action in it that I think it was a bit much. It ended exactly
as if there is a sequel coming...and of course we know there is.

Today G and went to Whole Foods. I shelled out and bought some
Manuka Honey. Damn, that IS expensive. I tasted it tonight. I am so
used to the clover honey I get that the manuka honey tasted slightly
bitter to me...but I think it's good and it'll grow on me. I've got to
make it last, haha. Whole Foods is introducing a huge new line of
vegan foods - they looked good. I know I couldn't go vegan. But I was
reading one of their vegetarian magazines and I am seriously
considering going vegetarian. Long before I listend to Steve Kilbey
ramble on about the horrors of meat, I have been conflicted when
eating meat. I might start to gradually phase meat out of my life and see how I do. Its' funny, G was busy buying something and I stood in
front of all the beers looking at the. I don't normally drink beer but
I somehow wanted to get really plastered. The guy at Whole Foods
said, "Can I help you?" and I said, "Yeah, I wanna get drunk." I
don't think he knew what to make of that! He kind of laughed. He
said "Well if I can help you with any specific brands, let me know."
Yeah, how about something herbal?

Steve, lovely soul that he is, actually answered many of our questions,including mine. I loved his answer. He is a good guy -
learning to be nice. Funny, I've been so nice my whole life I
think I've let people run right over me. I don't need to learn
to be nice. But we're all here for different lessons. I need to learn
to let go and let God.

I absolutely refuse to have my Church week ruined by this test.
By next Monday, I want the bulk of my studying done. I will not study on Friday, the day before the test. Sadly I might
have to leave that show early - it figures the show is in
Anaheim and I'm in Simi Valley. I need a few
hours of sleep before the test.

This is an introduction to all my new blogger friends to how
anal retentive and perfectionistic I am, haha. I just want to give
myself a break. I feel so much pressure, and all, the pressure
is coming from within me. It's been this way my whole life. It's
a miserable way to live. I haven't pursued a new goal for so long
that I haven't had to feel any pressure. I was in a comfort zone
and I've pushed myself out of that zone. It's a bitch.

Tomorrow I plan to study math, slowly, and learn what I screwed
up on. Monday Mike is coming and then he is not coming until the
Thursday before the test. I figure at that point, I'll either sink or
swim as they say.

I can't believe I just spent $3000 on bills, tuition, parking passes, etc.

I'm praying to the Gods, whatever might be up there, to let me
get my head on straight. A stupid test isn't worth my health, it
isn't worth getting my friend and I killed in the car. I look forward
to next Monday, when I plan to essentially let it go and concentrate
on the Church activities. I feel like I deserve to enjoy myself and have a good time.

Life is short, this shit isn't worth it. Mostly I think I am worried about finances. I NEED to go back to work and start bringing in
money again, instead of all money going OUT.

Time for bed. Bless those poor souls in that Russian air crash.
I am well aware that my problems really don't amount to a hill
of beans in this crazy world. I hope the crash doesn't scare Steve.
I swear once, I spent years flying and every single time I would fly,
I kid you not, right before I flew there would be a major air disaster.
That did not help my fear of flying, to say the least.

So much pain, and grief and sorrow. Usually I am really good
at getting perspective on things. Hopefully I will be better.
And hopefully this blog looks normal. If not, please tell me.