Delayed Reaction
Wow it's been exactly one month since I blogged. I seem to be going through some kind of existential crisis (don't groan and say "another one?" haha) but my shrink has assured me it's perfectly normal. Move along people, nothing to see here.
Seriously...it has to do with my hospital stay. It's strange. When I got out, I was totally on a high. I was LOVING LIFE. Why not? I'd just CHEATED DEATH. I was euphoric for about a month. Life was good, I was beyond grateful for EVERYTHING and happy as a clam.
Then that feeling started to dissipate. That's when the anxiety started. Every little sensation in my body I took as a sign that a clot was forming; I was going to have another PE. I'd get a headache and think a clot was going to my brain. I'd breathe in and think my lungs were hurting and something was wrong. The anxiety is still here, though it's not as acute. This has lasted about a month too. Needless to say Xanax has been my best friend through this.
Now I'm in some kind of grieving process; some kind of existential "I just stared death in the face and what the fuck have I done with my life" crisis. It's bad. It hurts. I cry all the time for no reason. Well, there is a reason. It's like I FINALLY WOKE UP at age 42 - as if I was in a coma for years!!! I don't know why I'm having all these strange thoughts. I'm thinking, where did the last 20 years go? I'm not doing ANYTHING with my life now - and suddenly I want to LIVE and do EVERYTHING with my life now. Sex, drugs and rock and roll! Well, maybe not the drugs. ; )
I'm on a strange journey. The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing my doctor told me it's normal - and an essay I read by the country music artist Mary Chapin Carpenter. I was reading this book of essays people wrote on what they believe and she wrote one called "I Believe in the Learning Curve of Gratitude."
Mary Chapin Carpenter had the exact same thing happen to her. She had blood clots in her lungs. She went into a state of depression, pain, confusion, gratitude. I could've written the essay. I think it was a Godsend that I read it.
It definitely made me feel not so alone.
I've been in a major fire, held up by a gunman, been in major earthquakes, car accidenets and nothing, nothing has scared me and shaken me to my core like this experience. I know I will come out of this a stronger, better, more compassionate person.
It's just getting through it that sucks!
More later from the trenches...
Friday, October 09, 2009
This 'N That
1. Today we bombed the moon. Where the hell are our priorities? Don't we have enough to deal with on earth without looking for water on the moon? Did Buzz Aldrin see any water? That should've been good enough. "Looked dry to me."
2.Obama won the Nobel Peace Prize. Translated: We fucking hated Bush/Cheney and their stupid wars so much we're going to bitch slap them by giving this man a prize he doesn't really deserve at this point. We don't care. We really want to say: FUCK THAT LAST ADMINISTRATION.
3.Time to get out of Afghanistan. It's a losing proposition. The Soviets couldn't do it in the early 80's. How much more money are we going to spend and how many more lives are going to be lost trying to overthrow the Taliban? Let that country deal with its own evils.
4. Got my hair done today. Looks fab.
5.From war to my hair - how shallow can I get?
6. I miss everyone's blogs but I guess there's not a lot going on right now.
7. Went to a useless job fair last Monday. Honestly, biggest waste of my time. It was the most poorly organized job fair I've ever been to.
8. Yesterday, shockingly, at 5:45 am the phone rang with a call to substitute. Unfortunately I couldn't do it. I had to go to the lab to give blood and I had a doctor's appointment. I didn't get called today though. I'm still mailing in my unemployment paperwork. I have no idea if I'll be called three times a week, a month, or the whole semester.
9. I want to see that movie Paranormal Activity. I LOVE scary movies. Hate roller coasters, but love to be scared in my own house or the movie theater. It's funny how people like to get their thrills.
10. My a/c broke but finally got fixed. My place is so small that even with the cooler weather I need to turn it on because I'm upstairs and I think the insulation sucks. It gets really stuffy in here.
11. Did I tell y'all I'm having a stress/treadmill test on the 22nd of this month? I'm really nervous about it. Hope I don't keel over.
12. I can't stop touching my awesome hair.
13. I've decided for me, watching the Food Network is akin to watching porn.
14. My blood INR levels were down again. Damn! It's been two months and I can't get regulated permanently on the Coumadin. Now we suspect this Vitamin water I have been drinking might be interfering with the medicine. I LOVE that water. I am crushed I may have to give it up, but Hell, I want my INR levels stabilized. I don't want to mess around with THAT. I am now drinking plain old water. Boo hoo.
15. I should appreciate the fact I have clean water to drink, huh? I do.
16. I'm reading a book by Karen Armstrong called "The Case for God." It's a formidable tome and damn, she starts with the caveman and the paintings at Lascaux, etc. God has changed so much over time. Man's conception of God that is. Fascinating book. Not an easy read though. A little academic.
17. I finally saw the commercial for the car where the Church song "Under the Milky Way" is used. It's so cool! I don't especially like that version of the song, but Hell, it's a Church song on a major car commercial!
18.I haven't been to my meditation class in two weeks. I haven't even meditated in two weeks. Meditation is sooooooooooooooooo hard. I've been purposely avoiding it, I admit it.
19. Gee, I hate to stop at #19, but I'm afraid that's it folks. Hope you're all doing well.
Photo: Our beautiful moon. We wouldn't be anywhere without it.
Sunday, October 04, 2009
Autumn and Other Wonderful Things
Today is the first real day of autumn of us. Don't make fun - yes, there are more fires burning in Southern California, but it's cool, it's crisp, the leaves are falling, the colors are changing and you can just feel it and smell it in the air. It's like a little slice of Heaven for me. I was even able to wear a sweater out - which in the L.A. area is a real treat.
I brought out all my Halloween decorations. My apartment looks ridiculous but I don't care; they make me happy. It looks like a Halloween store exploded in here. Every nice I light a pumpkin spice candle and cozy up on the couch and stare and my ghosties and witches and skulls and goblins. I'm definitely going to carve pumpkins this year. I'll probably take them to my mom's because she lives in a really nice neighborhood and actually gets kids trick or treating.
I'm SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO excited. On October 20th I'm going to Disneyland. I haven't been in a few years. Talk about Halloween - Disneyland really decks the place out in Halloween decorations. The Haunted House is spectacular - it's all done up like Tim Burton's "The Nightmare Before Christmas." I'm not kidding - it's truly a sight to behold.
I guess that's the one good thing about being off work - I can go to Disneyland in the middle of the week.
Tomorrow I'm going to a job fair with my bestie friend Cheri. I went to Kohl's today and bought some really nice clothes. I am continuing to lose weight - of course not as fast as I want to. I've stopped going to Curves for a month; I want to get my blood thinner numbers steady before I go back. I just feel uneasy going back now.
My eating is fabulous though. I used to live on junk food; now I eat so healthy. I'm really amazed and proud of myself. I think God must have something to do with it too because honestly I don't know how I've done it. I'm even cooking real food and I NEVER used to cook.
As long as I'm off work I was thinking of volunteering somewhere. I'm just not sure what I want to do. It definitely would make ME feel better.
I had the longest, strangest dream about Dave Navarro last night. If you don't know who he is, he is an L.A. musician who plays guitar for Jane's Addiction. Don't ask what I ate before I went to bed. Mushrooms I guess.
I'm reading the most fabulous book - seriously, one of the best books I've ever read. It's called "A Million Miles in a Thousand Years." It's kind of really hard to explain. It's about this writer who's decided our lives are just like stories - and what kind of stories are we living? We can change our stories if we want - we can change our lives. It's not really a self-help book but it's helping me to see I can change my life story if I want. My story seems really boring now. I want more meaning in my life. Go to Amazon.com and check this book out. Honestly, it's changed my thinking and I think it will change my life. This book has worked its way into my soul and very few books do that with me anymore.
I don't think I've ever blogged about this, or told any of you this, but about a year ago, last September, I joined Overeaters Anonymous. I used to think it was just a crazy cult for loser fat people, but it's really changing my life. There are fat people there, and really thin people, and all kinds of people. It's totally based on the 12 steps and traditions of AA. I have a sponsor now and I record what I eat and go to meetings and let me tell you, it's one of the best things I ever did. I never saw myself doing something like this. This is another area where I think I just got a kick in the ass from some kind of higher power. It's not just changing what and how I eat, it's changing my whole life.
I honestly think everyone could benefit somewhat from practicing the 12 steps and traditions of the OA/AA/NA culture. So maybe I'm just a loser fat person but I don't think so. I think I'm a pretty motivated person who wanted and needed help and sought it out. And it's working out well for me. I've made some friends too - which is nice.
I'm a little low on friends. I have a friend who I've known for 30 years but she has very little time and I see our friendship dying out. It's kind of sad but maybe it's meant to be. I don't know. The ebb and flow of life, right?
Well, another not-so exciting blog has emanated from my brain. Excitement is good, but sometimes just watching the breeze and listening to the purring of the cat is good too.
Thursday, October 01, 2009
Sorry!
I know I haven't been blogging much; I guess I just haven't been in the mood. As most of you know the weather over the past month was just fuck ass crazy hot! Sorry, that's the best way I know how to describe it. It's still warm but actually starting to cool down.
My complex is full of these beautiful Japanese maple trees that actually DO change color with the seasons. I'm going to start taking pictures of them as they change from green to all the spectacular fall colors. Cooler weather, fog in the mornings, and these trees are really my only sense that fall is here. But it's great - fall is my favorite season, I LOVE ADORE WORSHIP Halloween and plan to get out all my crazy decorations and decorate the breadbox I live it.
There is a small child that eternally lives in me, can you tell?
I filed for unemployment. If you didn't read my link about the substitute teaching - well, they've given the jobs to all the unemployed full time teachers. It makes sense, but it also means I now have absolutely no work. I've never filed for unemployment before. My best friend (who also happens to be a teacher too) also filed. I am awaiting some paperwork from the EDD; they'd better fucking give me the money. I've paid into it, I've busted my ass looking for ANY kind of teaching job and I even applied to a bookstore for some work. I have NO shame in filing for unemployment.
I think I've finally gotten my Coumadin (blood thinner) within its proper range in my body. I've still been going to the lab about once or twice a week which is a pain more ways than one. It's very hard to stabilize the dosage of Coumadin. I get to go one whole week without going to the lab. I also went to the dr. yesterday and found out than when I left the hospital the clots probably hadn't just up and disappeared as I thought they had. It takes time for them to dissipate.
I'm experiencing some extra anxiety over the whole event. Knowing they could still be inside me - I don't know. It's like I was just in la la land for the last month or two.
I know I'm not the only one who hasn't blogged in a while. I know everyone has their reasons, but I do miss my blogging friends and their blogs. Although I know V just blogged. I miss Staci's blog like mad, but understand why she can't sit at the computer for long periods of time. Hell, I miss myself blogging half the time.
I Twitter a fair amount, haha. Not the same, I know.
I bought a book to try and teach myself the basics of Excel. Have I cracked that book open yet? NO! I've been reading a book called "The Haunting of America" about spiritualism, mediums, mystics, witchcraft, magic, voodoo and other seancy-weird stuff that's gone on since the days of the Salem Witch trials in the late 17th century in this country. It's a fascinating history.
I'm still waiting for Oscar-worthy movies to start coming out. We're getting close to that time of year when the 'heavy duty' movies that I normally like come out. I've survived another summer of cinematic trash that's for sure.
Just to be sure you know my stance on this, Roman Polanski is a child rapist and needs to come back and do his fucking time like the pig child rapist he is. There.
My TV watching these days consists of the following: Project Runway, Top Chef, House, The Mentalist, Law and Order SVU, Sons of Anarchy, Intervention and how pathetic is a blog where I list what I'm fucking watching on TV? I haven't gotten into one new show yet.
My half-birthday is on the 27th of this month. I'm thinking of having a half-celebration. Why? I don't know. Cuz you know, it was a tough summer and it's good to fucking be here.
Over and out.
I know I haven't been blogging much; I guess I just haven't been in the mood. As most of you know the weather over the past month was just fuck ass crazy hot! Sorry, that's the best way I know how to describe it. It's still warm but actually starting to cool down.
My complex is full of these beautiful Japanese maple trees that actually DO change color with the seasons. I'm going to start taking pictures of them as they change from green to all the spectacular fall colors. Cooler weather, fog in the mornings, and these trees are really my only sense that fall is here. But it's great - fall is my favorite season, I LOVE ADORE WORSHIP Halloween and plan to get out all my crazy decorations and decorate the breadbox I live it.
There is a small child that eternally lives in me, can you tell?
I filed for unemployment. If you didn't read my link about the substitute teaching - well, they've given the jobs to all the unemployed full time teachers. It makes sense, but it also means I now have absolutely no work. I've never filed for unemployment before. My best friend (who also happens to be a teacher too) also filed. I am awaiting some paperwork from the EDD; they'd better fucking give me the money. I've paid into it, I've busted my ass looking for ANY kind of teaching job and I even applied to a bookstore for some work. I have NO shame in filing for unemployment.
I think I've finally gotten my Coumadin (blood thinner) within its proper range in my body. I've still been going to the lab about once or twice a week which is a pain more ways than one. It's very hard to stabilize the dosage of Coumadin. I get to go one whole week without going to the lab. I also went to the dr. yesterday and found out than when I left the hospital the clots probably hadn't just up and disappeared as I thought they had. It takes time for them to dissipate.
I'm experiencing some extra anxiety over the whole event. Knowing they could still be inside me - I don't know. It's like I was just in la la land for the last month or two.
I know I'm not the only one who hasn't blogged in a while. I know everyone has their reasons, but I do miss my blogging friends and their blogs. Although I know V just blogged. I miss Staci's blog like mad, but understand why she can't sit at the computer for long periods of time. Hell, I miss myself blogging half the time.
I Twitter a fair amount, haha. Not the same, I know.
I bought a book to try and teach myself the basics of Excel. Have I cracked that book open yet? NO! I've been reading a book called "The Haunting of America" about spiritualism, mediums, mystics, witchcraft, magic, voodoo and other seancy-weird stuff that's gone on since the days of the Salem Witch trials in the late 17th century in this country. It's a fascinating history.
I'm still waiting for Oscar-worthy movies to start coming out. We're getting close to that time of year when the 'heavy duty' movies that I normally like come out. I've survived another summer of cinematic trash that's for sure.
Just to be sure you know my stance on this, Roman Polanski is a child rapist and needs to come back and do his fucking time like the pig child rapist he is. There.
My TV watching these days consists of the following: Project Runway, Top Chef, House, The Mentalist, Law and Order SVU, Sons of Anarchy, Intervention and how pathetic is a blog where I list what I'm fucking watching on TV? I haven't gotten into one new show yet.
My half-birthday is on the 27th of this month. I'm thinking of having a half-celebration. Why? I don't know. Cuz you know, it was a tough summer and it's good to fucking be here.
Over and out.
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Friday, September 11, 2009
The Ruins of September
9/11/01
What great ruins now sleep eternally
on the broken ground of this grey city
Like souls prostrate in mighty grief
In all the world, black disbelief
Human eyes will never again see
the views to Heaven once conceived
in man's own mind
a three pound universe
the same which brought these giants down
tis now the view of Hell unbound
Who were the men, the hands indeed
that set in stone
the hopes, the dreams
birthed by Rome in concrete, stone
Of greatness built to Gods and men
and leveled in seconds by Hell's condemned
A city keens for fallen friends
Yet bent not broken in the final end.
9/11/01
What great ruins now sleep eternally
on the broken ground of this grey city
Like souls prostrate in mighty grief
In all the world, black disbelief
Human eyes will never again see
the views to Heaven once conceived
in man's own mind
a three pound universe
the same which brought these giants down
tis now the view of Hell unbound
Who were the men, the hands indeed
that set in stone
the hopes, the dreams
birthed by Rome in concrete, stone
Of greatness built to Gods and men
and leveled in seconds by Hell's condemned
A city keens for fallen friends
Yet bent not broken in the final end.
Thursday, September 03, 2009
Honestly
Just some random very honest comments from moi:
1) I hate sports. I really think people who are obsessed with certain sports teams are freaks. I mean REALLY OBSESSED. WTF? How do you personally identify so much with a bunch of people playing a GAME?
2) I especially hate USC. They have a superiority complex for no good reason. No, I'm sure someone can tell me a bunch of good reasons they love themselves SO much, but I still hate them. I find most USC fans I've met personally are rather shallow sosh-types. MOST, not all. I have a friend who went there for college who is now a super rich New Yorker and she is a doll. So not everyone who goes there sucks, haha.
Sports-wise: Also, Michael Vick still makes me sick to my stomach and Brett Favre - do your stuff for two years and RETIRE FOR GOOD!
3) I believe in the right for all people to get married. Yes, this means gay people.
4) I have a hard time with people who take the Bible literally. I am Christian by baptism but a skeptic by heart and soul. Hey, God made me that way, right? I mean, I'm sorry. A Virgin birth? Rising from a grave? My empirical self demands more.
5) I struggle with religion but try to be open about a higher power. I just have no concept what that higher power is really like. I like to explore other belief systems. I don't believe I'm going to Hell if I don't believe Jesus is my ONLY Savior. Sorry. I'm not even sure I believe in Hell. Although when I think of people like Hitler, I hope there's a Hell. Heh.
6) I hate people that text and talk on cell phones when they're with you. I think it's beyond rude. I've had to take a few calls from my mom when I'm with people, but overall, I try really hard not to talk on the cell phone and texting is for 12 year olds.
7) I know who my friends are. My enemies, hmmm, not so clear on that. Should probably pay closer attention.
8) Character is everything. Money, job, career, status, car, house, boat, looks...mean nothing to me if your character is lacking.
9) Eddie Izzard is my new hero for running like 40 marathons for charity. And I'm not kidding about that number.
10) Emotionally closed off people bug the shit out of me. I know, it's a person's perogative to never talk about anything going on in their lives, but I have a hard time having relationships with people who never open up. So I tend to be with pretty open people. :)
11) I hate daylight savings time and think it's bullshit it's still light on Halloween when kids go trick or treating. Although sadly it's probably safer for them. We had it SO SO SO good as kids. We could go out alone, in our nice neighborhoods, in the dark, and not be afraid some sex offender was going to kidnap us.
12) People who pay NO attention to ANY news - ugh. You just come across as clueless and ignorant. Try to stay somewhat updated.
13)I admit, I won't watch local news that much. Listen to it on the radio yes, but I find TV local news to be all about death, murder and sensationalism. Maybe I'm locally clueless. Haha.
14) Love is love is love is love. Between a man and a woman, a woman and a woman, a man and a man and me and my cats. Don't get sick thoughts in your head on that last part. Platonic cat love people! ; Note: BETWEEN CONSENTING ADULTS! None of this NAMBLA sick shit.
15) I don't have the slightest clue how to fix health care. But I know it's fucked up beyond repair now. FUBAR is how I believe they say it in the military. I also believe no one should DIE from lack of health care and NO ONE should have to go BROKE because they've been nailed to the wall by insurance companies and they had the bad luck to get sick.
16) I don't think I could ever work for a health insurance company. I'd hook on the street first. ; )
17) I love my friends without children because they make me feel a little less strange. Didn't Gloria Steinem bust her ass for me to have this choice without people thinking it's odd? I LOVE MY FREEDOM!
18) I really, really, really wish I could get together with Staci, Veleska, Sandy and Holly all at once! I think we'd have a blast. With a lot of liquor of course. :)
19)I try not to regret too much. It is what it is and it was what it was. I did the best I knew at the time. I like that saying. I think I heard it from Maya Angelou. Although I'm paraphrasing.
20) California will always be my home and for that reason I love it, but I hope I get out before I die. L.A. is a cesspool. I just can't figure out where the hell I want to go.
21) My biggest problem with racism, or bigotry or whatever you want to call it, is with the Armenians. I've always admitted that. They took over Glendale, my home town, and by and large, except for a few, they are mean and nasty, isolationist and not friendly. Plus the males tend to drive like maniacs and many don't bathe as often as I might like them to. Ugh.
22)Doctor and lawyer jokes are funny because they're so true.
23) Sometimes I wish I wanted to be something more than a teacher because they aren't really respected (despite the lip service) and make so little money. But I can't seem to get it out of my system.
24) Compassion and helping others - ALL OTHERS - OK even Armenians, haha, isn't that what it's all about?
25) I want to do some grief/bereavement counseling again like I used to. It helped other people and it helped me.
26) One thing I've learned from my experiences in August, life is too precarious and too short to deal with people who are TOO MUCH WORK.
27) I've learned a lot this summer. Life's little lessons. Pay attention.
Just some random very honest comments from moi:
1) I hate sports. I really think people who are obsessed with certain sports teams are freaks. I mean REALLY OBSESSED. WTF? How do you personally identify so much with a bunch of people playing a GAME?
2) I especially hate USC. They have a superiority complex for no good reason. No, I'm sure someone can tell me a bunch of good reasons they love themselves SO much, but I still hate them. I find most USC fans I've met personally are rather shallow sosh-types. MOST, not all. I have a friend who went there for college who is now a super rich New Yorker and she is a doll. So not everyone who goes there sucks, haha.
Sports-wise: Also, Michael Vick still makes me sick to my stomach and Brett Favre - do your stuff for two years and RETIRE FOR GOOD!
3) I believe in the right for all people to get married. Yes, this means gay people.
4) I have a hard time with people who take the Bible literally. I am Christian by baptism but a skeptic by heart and soul. Hey, God made me that way, right? I mean, I'm sorry. A Virgin birth? Rising from a grave? My empirical self demands more.
5) I struggle with religion but try to be open about a higher power. I just have no concept what that higher power is really like. I like to explore other belief systems. I don't believe I'm going to Hell if I don't believe Jesus is my ONLY Savior. Sorry. I'm not even sure I believe in Hell. Although when I think of people like Hitler, I hope there's a Hell. Heh.
6) I hate people that text and talk on cell phones when they're with you. I think it's beyond rude. I've had to take a few calls from my mom when I'm with people, but overall, I try really hard not to talk on the cell phone and texting is for 12 year olds.
7) I know who my friends are. My enemies, hmmm, not so clear on that. Should probably pay closer attention.
8) Character is everything. Money, job, career, status, car, house, boat, looks...mean nothing to me if your character is lacking.
9) Eddie Izzard is my new hero for running like 40 marathons for charity. And I'm not kidding about that number.
10) Emotionally closed off people bug the shit out of me. I know, it's a person's perogative to never talk about anything going on in their lives, but I have a hard time having relationships with people who never open up. So I tend to be with pretty open people. :)
11) I hate daylight savings time and think it's bullshit it's still light on Halloween when kids go trick or treating. Although sadly it's probably safer for them. We had it SO SO SO good as kids. We could go out alone, in our nice neighborhoods, in the dark, and not be afraid some sex offender was going to kidnap us.
12) People who pay NO attention to ANY news - ugh. You just come across as clueless and ignorant. Try to stay somewhat updated.
13)I admit, I won't watch local news that much. Listen to it on the radio yes, but I find TV local news to be all about death, murder and sensationalism. Maybe I'm locally clueless. Haha.
14) Love is love is love is love. Between a man and a woman, a woman and a woman, a man and a man and me and my cats. Don't get sick thoughts in your head on that last part. Platonic cat love people! ; Note: BETWEEN CONSENTING ADULTS! None of this NAMBLA sick shit.
15) I don't have the slightest clue how to fix health care. But I know it's fucked up beyond repair now. FUBAR is how I believe they say it in the military. I also believe no one should DIE from lack of health care and NO ONE should have to go BROKE because they've been nailed to the wall by insurance companies and they had the bad luck to get sick.
16) I don't think I could ever work for a health insurance company. I'd hook on the street first. ; )
17) I love my friends without children because they make me feel a little less strange. Didn't Gloria Steinem bust her ass for me to have this choice without people thinking it's odd? I LOVE MY FREEDOM!
18) I really, really, really wish I could get together with Staci, Veleska, Sandy and Holly all at once! I think we'd have a blast. With a lot of liquor of course. :)
19)I try not to regret too much. It is what it is and it was what it was. I did the best I knew at the time. I like that saying. I think I heard it from Maya Angelou. Although I'm paraphrasing.
20) California will always be my home and for that reason I love it, but I hope I get out before I die. L.A. is a cesspool. I just can't figure out where the hell I want to go.
21) My biggest problem with racism, or bigotry or whatever you want to call it, is with the Armenians. I've always admitted that. They took over Glendale, my home town, and by and large, except for a few, they are mean and nasty, isolationist and not friendly. Plus the males tend to drive like maniacs and many don't bathe as often as I might like them to. Ugh.
22)Doctor and lawyer jokes are funny because they're so true.
23) Sometimes I wish I wanted to be something more than a teacher because they aren't really respected (despite the lip service) and make so little money. But I can't seem to get it out of my system.
24) Compassion and helping others - ALL OTHERS - OK even Armenians, haha, isn't that what it's all about?
25) I want to do some grief/bereavement counseling again like I used to. It helped other people and it helped me.
26) One thing I've learned from my experiences in August, life is too precarious and too short to deal with people who are TOO MUCH WORK.
27) I've learned a lot this summer. Life's little lessons. Pay attention.
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Randomness
1. Again, no brilliant title. Stop waiting for one!
2. I hate when blogger makes me sign in. Like it doesn't recognize me half the time. Hee.
3. Well, tonight Ted Kennedy died. End of an era and all that. Man, he didn't even get close to making it as long as his mother Rose did. I think she was 104 when she died. Even Eunice was 88. Whatever your political views, Ted was an imposing figure in the Senate.
***Update for Wednesday: One of my favorite writers ever died today: Dominick Dunne. I met him at a book signing. He was a classy guy. Really nice. Very sad.
4. Now that my mom has turned 70, everyone who dies in their 70's...it kind of freaks me out. HER mom lived to be 94. In fact, today is my maternal grandma's birthday. She would be 96. I don't think any of us will make it to 94.
5. I've been feeling a little down lately about all the stuff that's happened to me over the last month. I'm still glad to be alive - but the reality of what happened and how I am living now on this medicine, getting my blood taken every week, etc. is really sinking in.
6. School has started for some people. Not for me. Yet.
7. I'm afraid of the Swine Flu. Or the H1N1 virus to be politically correct. Being at schools I'm always getting sick anyway. It's freaking me out.
8.I've reconnected with an old friend via Facebook. This time it's really nice. We've been emailing each other. I forgot she is a good 10 years younger than I am. Jealous! LOL!
9.Getting my hair coloured tomorrow. No more gray!
10. The family is coming out Thursday. Just counting the minutes until my niece is in my arms!
11. Speaking of which, I went to Toys R Us to get her something today and honestly that place is a frickin' NIGHTMARE. Definitely qualifies as one of Dante's circles of Hell. The screams alone...."shudder"
12. Going to try and post a picture of the most hideous lamp I've ever seen. I went to the doctor with my mom (for her this time, not for me) and this doctor's office was something straight out of the 70's. I mean, he fucking had SHAG carpeting! His furniture was priceless. I whipped out my iPhone and took pictures of all of it. It's too good not to share.
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Stuff
1. How exciting is THAT title? Stuff!? Sorry kids, it's all I have now.
2. Just went to the dr. All is well. Can exercise. I gained back the stupid fucking measley 5 pounds I lost about a month ago. I feel like I'm going in circles with my weight. I feel like I'm never going to lose this weight. I feel very, very discouraged. Can you tell? I mean, yeah, a few minor, haha, things have gotten in the way of me exercising, but sheesh. I'm so, so tired of being overweight.
3. Everyone told me how great I looked today at the dr.'s office; I must've looked like death last time I went in. I sure felt like it.
4. Got my hair cut yesterday - it's really cute. Maybe that's what everyone was commenting on. Getting it colored next week. I have to get it colored constantly it seems to keep up with the gray.
5. Might be going to Vegas after all in September after my brother leaves.
6. Brother, sister-in-law and adorable, precious niece coming in next Thursday night. I CANNOT WAIT! I cannot wait to smother my niece with hugs and kisses. I love that little girl more than life!
7. Have to take my car to the dealer tomorrow. Don't want to but the damn thing is emitting white smoke when I start it. Also, I have a headlight out and the rear defroster button is broken. My car is almost 11 years old. I want to keep driving it until I hit 200,000 miles. I am at 143,000 now. I'm sure this is going to cost me a fortune.
8. My fucking insurance, Blue Shield PPO, is refusing to pay for the last 2 1/2 days of my hospital stay. I have to file a grievance. I'd like to give them a grievance in the groin. Motherfuckers. Words have no power to express how much I hate health insurance companies. I've given them literally tens of thousands of dollars over the last 16 years in premiums and they're fighting me on my first hospital stay. Well I WILL fight. I will fight them like nobody's business. I am a TAURUS! My motto is: Fuck with the bull and you will get the horns people!
9. I couldn't tell you what Obama's plan is for health insurance for this country if you held a gun to my head. It's not that I don't care, it's that I'm so confused I can't even figure it out. I have a feeling I'm not the only one who's this confused.
10. I have absolutely no idea what's going to happen in terms of work for me. Will I be subbing for LAUSD again? I'm supposed to, but who the hell knows. I sent out about 70 resumes and did not get ONE call or ONE interview. Things are so bad here it's unbelievable. The idea of spending another year subbing makes me want to pluck my eyeballs out, but again, I can't make as much money doing anything else. I'm just acting like Scarlett O'Hara and I keep going "I'll just think about that tomorrow."
11. I am so addicted to Twitter I have almost totally abandoned Facebook. I LOVE TWITTER! It's pathetic the people I follow. Yes, I follow celebrities. Laugh away and mock me! Go ahead.
12. I am experimenting with different Coumandin dosages now (per my doctor's orders) because I can't seem to get to the magic number - the number called an INR (internationalized normal ratio) which is between 2-3. I am only at 1.48 which means my blood is too thick. Needs to be thinned out more.
13. Yesterday I shaved my legs and you would've thought I was doing brain surgery I was so careful. NOT ONE NICK OR CUT! Am I good or what.
14. Words couldn't adequately express how happy I am to be alive but it's strange having to do all these new things. Oh well, small price to pay, right?
Right.
1. How exciting is THAT title? Stuff!? Sorry kids, it's all I have now.
2. Just went to the dr. All is well. Can exercise. I gained back the stupid fucking measley 5 pounds I lost about a month ago. I feel like I'm going in circles with my weight. I feel like I'm never going to lose this weight. I feel very, very discouraged. Can you tell? I mean, yeah, a few minor, haha, things have gotten in the way of me exercising, but sheesh. I'm so, so tired of being overweight.
3. Everyone told me how great I looked today at the dr.'s office; I must've looked like death last time I went in. I sure felt like it.
4. Got my hair cut yesterday - it's really cute. Maybe that's what everyone was commenting on. Getting it colored next week. I have to get it colored constantly it seems to keep up with the gray.
5. Might be going to Vegas after all in September after my brother leaves.
6. Brother, sister-in-law and adorable, precious niece coming in next Thursday night. I CANNOT WAIT! I cannot wait to smother my niece with hugs and kisses. I love that little girl more than life!
7. Have to take my car to the dealer tomorrow. Don't want to but the damn thing is emitting white smoke when I start it. Also, I have a headlight out and the rear defroster button is broken. My car is almost 11 years old. I want to keep driving it until I hit 200,000 miles. I am at 143,000 now. I'm sure this is going to cost me a fortune.
8. My fucking insurance, Blue Shield PPO, is refusing to pay for the last 2 1/2 days of my hospital stay. I have to file a grievance. I'd like to give them a grievance in the groin. Motherfuckers. Words have no power to express how much I hate health insurance companies. I've given them literally tens of thousands of dollars over the last 16 years in premiums and they're fighting me on my first hospital stay. Well I WILL fight. I will fight them like nobody's business. I am a TAURUS! My motto is: Fuck with the bull and you will get the horns people!
9. I couldn't tell you what Obama's plan is for health insurance for this country if you held a gun to my head. It's not that I don't care, it's that I'm so confused I can't even figure it out. I have a feeling I'm not the only one who's this confused.
10. I have absolutely no idea what's going to happen in terms of work for me. Will I be subbing for LAUSD again? I'm supposed to, but who the hell knows. I sent out about 70 resumes and did not get ONE call or ONE interview. Things are so bad here it's unbelievable. The idea of spending another year subbing makes me want to pluck my eyeballs out, but again, I can't make as much money doing anything else. I'm just acting like Scarlett O'Hara and I keep going "I'll just think about that tomorrow."
11. I am so addicted to Twitter I have almost totally abandoned Facebook. I LOVE TWITTER! It's pathetic the people I follow. Yes, I follow celebrities. Laugh away and mock me! Go ahead.
12. I am experimenting with different Coumandin dosages now (per my doctor's orders) because I can't seem to get to the magic number - the number called an INR (internationalized normal ratio) which is between 2-3. I am only at 1.48 which means my blood is too thick. Needs to be thinned out more.
13. Yesterday I shaved my legs and you would've thought I was doing brain surgery I was so careful. NOT ONE NICK OR CUT! Am I good or what.
14. Words couldn't adequately express how happy I am to be alive but it's strange having to do all these new things. Oh well, small price to pay, right?
Right.
Sunday, August 09, 2009
Monday, July 20, 2009
HOT HOT HOT!
I know, I've nothing to complain about as I'm not living in Phoenix or Vegas but for us it's hot here. I'm already sick of it. Is summer over yet? I seem to recall someone else asking that. ;)
Went to Curves today after an almost two week break due to illness, etc. Man, it was brutal. You really do have to keep exercising constantly or you lose it.
Have to drive into Burbank for an appointment today. I want to encase my car in ice.
Had lunch yesterday with my bestest of all best friends, Cheri, and her lovely daughter Megan. Megan is 21 and really the sweetest girl. I remember being 21 once. Haha.
The cats are spread out like roadkill - and I've got the A/C cranked. I think they can still sense how brutally hot it is outside.
Starting to PMS. I can tell because I want to eat the world. Getting weighed and measured Wed. at Curves so cannot eat the world. So unfair.
My summer is excruciatingly boring, hence this boring blog. Sorry folks. Perhaps some excitement (GOOD!) will come into my life later. Heh.
I know, I've nothing to complain about as I'm not living in Phoenix or Vegas but for us it's hot here. I'm already sick of it. Is summer over yet? I seem to recall someone else asking that. ;)
Went to Curves today after an almost two week break due to illness, etc. Man, it was brutal. You really do have to keep exercising constantly or you lose it.
Have to drive into Burbank for an appointment today. I want to encase my car in ice.
Had lunch yesterday with my bestest of all best friends, Cheri, and her lovely daughter Megan. Megan is 21 and really the sweetest girl. I remember being 21 once. Haha.
The cats are spread out like roadkill - and I've got the A/C cranked. I think they can still sense how brutally hot it is outside.
Starting to PMS. I can tell because I want to eat the world. Getting weighed and measured Wed. at Curves so cannot eat the world. So unfair.
My summer is excruciatingly boring, hence this boring blog. Sorry folks. Perhaps some excitement (GOOD!) will come into my life later. Heh.
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
To Hell and Back
I am not exaggerating when I say that this stomach flu I've had has truly been the worse flu I've EVER had. In fact the last time I even HAD the stomach flu was over 20 years ago; I was in COLLEGE.
I don't want to bore you or gross you out but suffice it to say Friday I started feeling sick. I still managed to go to my mom's for dinner, which was good because she ended up taking me to the hospital Saturday night after I'd been throwing up ALLLLLL DAY. People, there was NOTHING TO THROW UP. I could NOT STOP DRY HEAVING! I couldn't even breathe. I also had horrible pain in my stomach. I couldn't rest, and I started getting really scared. I felt like I was going to have a heart attack. Luckily I had stayed with my mom and she drove me the 7 minutes or so to the hospital. I swear we know that friggin' ER TOO WELL! Last year, I kid you not, this very week, my mom went there and had to have an emergency gall bladder surgery. JESUS!
13 years ago I went to that ER for severe food poisoning and 4 years ago my mom had to go in for food poisoning too. I HATE THAT ER!
And let me tell you, the palliative (sp) care I got this time was HORRIBLE. And they weren't even that busy. They were supposed to give me some pain meds for the stomach pain; they didn't. I was so freaked out I did get some Ativan to calm me down, and some anti-nausea medicine and fluids. That's it. They don't even have those flat horrible pillows! I was freezing and they had one thin sheet! 13 years ago I was treated like a princess. I wonder what's happened. Less staff? Shittier management? Cost cutting absolutely.
My mom was so funny. She's like "We're not flying this airline again! No pillows, no blankets...haha." Hell you don't even get that shit on a plane anymore unless you're in first class.
Anyway, I still feel very tired and weak but thank GOD I have been able to eat some and my stomach is better. I swear I am afraid of food now! I am back home and the cats are freaking out because they missed me. Translated: The cats are freaking out because they missed getting their Fancy Feast and had to survive three days on dry kibble and water.
Honestly, I am so sick of getting sick. I would like to go six friggin' months without ONE ILLNESS!
Anyway. That's my story. I tried to spare you the grossest details. I'll be back more later with other comments.
Ciao friends!
I am not exaggerating when I say that this stomach flu I've had has truly been the worse flu I've EVER had. In fact the last time I even HAD the stomach flu was over 20 years ago; I was in COLLEGE.
I don't want to bore you or gross you out but suffice it to say Friday I started feeling sick. I still managed to go to my mom's for dinner, which was good because she ended up taking me to the hospital Saturday night after I'd been throwing up ALLLLLL DAY. People, there was NOTHING TO THROW UP. I could NOT STOP DRY HEAVING! I couldn't even breathe. I also had horrible pain in my stomach. I couldn't rest, and I started getting really scared. I felt like I was going to have a heart attack. Luckily I had stayed with my mom and she drove me the 7 minutes or so to the hospital. I swear we know that friggin' ER TOO WELL! Last year, I kid you not, this very week, my mom went there and had to have an emergency gall bladder surgery. JESUS!
13 years ago I went to that ER for severe food poisoning and 4 years ago my mom had to go in for food poisoning too. I HATE THAT ER!
And let me tell you, the palliative (sp) care I got this time was HORRIBLE. And they weren't even that busy. They were supposed to give me some pain meds for the stomach pain; they didn't. I was so freaked out I did get some Ativan to calm me down, and some anti-nausea medicine and fluids. That's it. They don't even have those flat horrible pillows! I was freezing and they had one thin sheet! 13 years ago I was treated like a princess. I wonder what's happened. Less staff? Shittier management? Cost cutting absolutely.
My mom was so funny. She's like "We're not flying this airline again! No pillows, no blankets...haha." Hell you don't even get that shit on a plane anymore unless you're in first class.
Anyway, I still feel very tired and weak but thank GOD I have been able to eat some and my stomach is better. I swear I am afraid of food now! I am back home and the cats are freaking out because they missed me. Translated: The cats are freaking out because they missed getting their Fancy Feast and had to survive three days on dry kibble and water.
Honestly, I am so sick of getting sick. I would like to go six friggin' months without ONE ILLNESS!
Anyway. That's my story. I tried to spare you the grossest details. I'll be back more later with other comments.
Ciao friends!
Wednesday, July 08, 2009
Ouch
1. Fibro pain really, really bad this week. Don't know why. Probably no REASON why. Nothing is helping. I am literally doing nothing today.
2. Please God, let the Michael Jackson shit die down now. He's had two memorial/funeral services. EVERYONE STOP WORSHIPPING THIS SAD DEAD MAN! Move on creeps. Nothing more to see here.
3. I have my first month weigh in at Curves Friday. Great week to have it. I can barely move. I went yesterday and managed to do the whole workout...but the pain the pain! (No Fantasy Island jokes here please)
4. I really detest summer and now we're smack dab in the middle of it. I just thought I'd share that.
5. I bought my mom Bette Midler tickets for her 70th birthday in August. Yes, we're fucking nuts. We're going to Vegas in the middle of August. Apparently we are suckers for cruel, unrelenting heat. I haven't been to Vegas in about 8 years.
6. I have a lot of errands to run but the brakes are on - pain is making me sit around and do NOTHING. Sucks.
7. I have a friend going into well, honestly, rehab tomorrow. I'm a little worried for her. She's basically being forced to do it by her family and it's the kind of rehab where they detox you with drugs. I know she's scared. She um, has a really close, too close, relationship with wine. I've only known my dad to be in rehab; never anyone else.
8. That's about all that's going on here. I'm going to attach a pic of my adorable niece and her dad. It's too cute for words. Ella was really tired when this photo was taken. She has a scary kind of maturity to her as well - sometimes the way she looks - it's like she's an 'old soul.'
Saturday, July 04, 2009
Happy Birthday America
Today is Independence Day, more commonly known to Americans as the 4th of July. I just wanted to take a moment to say thank you to the soldiers who are currently engaged in any way to protect America or fight for freedom for others; especially those in Afghanistan right now.
I also want to say I never take my freedom for granted. America is not a perfect country by far; I have many, many issues with it, its foreign policies with other countries, its corporate whoring ways....I could go on and on. But I do have freedoms so many others in the world do not have and for that I am eternally grateful.
I think of Neda, the young girl shot in Iran, shot and killed for what? Standing outside amongst a group of protesters? I have the right to protest my government without fear of repercussions. I have the freedom to burn the flag, to scream in the streets "I hate the government!" without fear of ending up with a bullet in my chest. I can go where I want, with whom I want. I can travel freely (with a passport of course, haha) and worship whatever god or gods I wish to worship.
I cannot yell "Fire" in a crowded theater without getting in trouble. So I think there are some limits to my freedoms. ; )
But basically I have a great life - the freedom to choose my own path in life (I apparently chose a tough one, ha), the freedom to succeed, to fail, to come and go, to vote or not vote, to believe in God or believe in small green gnomes...you get the idea.
I have these freedoms because of so many people that came before me who fought and often died for their beliefs, their ideals, their values...for my chance to live with the freedoms they only dreamt of.
I have the freedom to end a sentence with a preposition.
God Bless the nameless, faceless Others, who fought, died and won this day for me and so many others.
I am not a particularly patriotic person. But today I am. Because freedom ISN'T free and sometimes it's important we remember that. I know I do, today.
Today is Independence Day, more commonly known to Americans as the 4th of July. I just wanted to take a moment to say thank you to the soldiers who are currently engaged in any way to protect America or fight for freedom for others; especially those in Afghanistan right now.
I also want to say I never take my freedom for granted. America is not a perfect country by far; I have many, many issues with it, its foreign policies with other countries, its corporate whoring ways....I could go on and on. But I do have freedoms so many others in the world do not have and for that I am eternally grateful.
I think of Neda, the young girl shot in Iran, shot and killed for what? Standing outside amongst a group of protesters? I have the right to protest my government without fear of repercussions. I have the freedom to burn the flag, to scream in the streets "I hate the government!" without fear of ending up with a bullet in my chest. I can go where I want, with whom I want. I can travel freely (with a passport of course, haha) and worship whatever god or gods I wish to worship.
I cannot yell "Fire" in a crowded theater without getting in trouble. So I think there are some limits to my freedoms. ; )
But basically I have a great life - the freedom to choose my own path in life (I apparently chose a tough one, ha), the freedom to succeed, to fail, to come and go, to vote or not vote, to believe in God or believe in small green gnomes...you get the idea.
I have these freedoms because of so many people that came before me who fought and often died for their beliefs, their ideals, their values...for my chance to live with the freedoms they only dreamt of.
I have the freedom to end a sentence with a preposition.
God Bless the nameless, faceless Others, who fought, died and won this day for me and so many others.
I am not a particularly patriotic person. But today I am. Because freedom ISN'T free and sometimes it's important we remember that. I know I do, today.
Monday, June 29, 2009
Back to Reality
Hello kids, I'm back from my vacation in Palm Springs. This was the one we were originally going to take in April. The heat didn't get really bad until the day we left; we were really lucky. I had a FABOO time swimming, getting a massage, going in the 'mineral waters' at the spa, losing about $25 at the casino on slots (damn machines wouldn't give me ANYTHING) and going off my diet and eating too much. Oh well.
I'm back and going to Curves later and back to eating so I will lose weight.
Oh something huge and horrible - a rock or brick flew up at my car on the freeway and just shattered the passenger side of my windshield. THANK GOD I was alone, it didn't penetrate the windshield or hit my side because I would've freaked even more than I did. But the Glass Doctor (I swear that's their name) came to my apt. today and gave me a new windshield for $270. Not bad. So now I have a nice new CLEAR windshield. My other one was a bit beat up as the car is going on 11 years old. I love my car and hope to push it to 200,000 miles. I'm at 142,000 now.
Nothing much else new. I was about to go down for my massage in Palm Springs when I read on Twitter about Michael Jackson. Oddly, I don't feel much about his death. I actually feel kind of bad about that. I just wasn't a fan; although there's no denying he was incredibly gifted. I think he was a very mixed up, sad soul. I feel bad for his kids and family.
I am putting more resumes out; I'm definitely NOT working this summer. I get my last paycheck this Friday. Something's got to give at some point, I swear.
I really don't have much more to say. Seriously, back to reality. I did bills earlier, mailed them, went to the market and am glad it's only 86 degrees here. I'm going to make an appointment to get my eyebrows waxed. I'm telling you, it's really and truly exciting in my life!
Hello kids, I'm back from my vacation in Palm Springs. This was the one we were originally going to take in April. The heat didn't get really bad until the day we left; we were really lucky. I had a FABOO time swimming, getting a massage, going in the 'mineral waters' at the spa, losing about $25 at the casino on slots (damn machines wouldn't give me ANYTHING) and going off my diet and eating too much. Oh well.
I'm back and going to Curves later and back to eating so I will lose weight.
Oh something huge and horrible - a rock or brick flew up at my car on the freeway and just shattered the passenger side of my windshield. THANK GOD I was alone, it didn't penetrate the windshield or hit my side because I would've freaked even more than I did. But the Glass Doctor (I swear that's their name) came to my apt. today and gave me a new windshield for $270. Not bad. So now I have a nice new CLEAR windshield. My other one was a bit beat up as the car is going on 11 years old. I love my car and hope to push it to 200,000 miles. I'm at 142,000 now.
Nothing much else new. I was about to go down for my massage in Palm Springs when I read on Twitter about Michael Jackson. Oddly, I don't feel much about his death. I actually feel kind of bad about that. I just wasn't a fan; although there's no denying he was incredibly gifted. I think he was a very mixed up, sad soul. I feel bad for his kids and family.
I am putting more resumes out; I'm definitely NOT working this summer. I get my last paycheck this Friday. Something's got to give at some point, I swear.
I really don't have much more to say. Seriously, back to reality. I did bills earlier, mailed them, went to the market and am glad it's only 86 degrees here. I'm going to make an appointment to get my eyebrows waxed. I'm telling you, it's really and truly exciting in my life!
Sunday, June 21, 2009
For My Dad
Stream of consciousness Father's Day. So many I never felt anything; I normally don't like these contrived 'holidays' anyway...my Dad's birthday is June 25th...it was always so hard to get him both a Father's Day gift AND a separate birthday gift. Funny I heard something on the radio that would've been perfect for him...oh well, too late.
It's my 14th Father's Day without my Dad and some years were so easy peasy...after 13 years I honestly can go days, weeks without thinking too much about my dad. It's like he was part of a different world; well it was different then, I was only 28 years old...just a pup...when he died and so much has happened in the last 13 years. I often wonder where I'd begin if he could come back and I could tell him the story of my life and of the world - all the amazing and horrible things that have occurred over the last 13 years. Dad, let me tell you what 9/11 means...
Who knows, maybe he knows it all, maybe he knows more than I do...it's a nice thought. I don't know where he is, if he is, I don't even think about it anymore. I obsessed on it for a couple of years after he died...where did he go? WHERE DID HE GO? Then I let it go for the sake of sanity.
My dad was above all, and below all his failings and faults (and Jesus there were many - you know, alcoholic, violent temper, etc. etc.) a good and decent man. He cried when he accidentally ran over a cat once. He loved his cat Tamarin that I gave him, even though she was kind of a bitch. He deserved better. He made me so angry when he let her out and she got knocked up with 5 kittens but I have two of those kittens now...14 year old kittens and how I cherish them and worship them. One of them was his...Fletcher...Fletcher has a crooked tail and I know my dad identified with her the most (yes it's a her - don't ask about the name - long story) because my dad had a bad back. That's like saying we had some minor problems on 9/11. My dad had a hideous back that put him in constant, unrelenting, chronic severe pain every single day from February 16, 1981 until the day he died, February 12, 1996. Fifteen years of agony and I really am glad he's out of it. He deserved a better life than he got but hey, sometimes don't we all?
My dad was generous to a FAULT. Probably the most generous person I've ever met. I think I got that from him and sometimes being too generous will get you into trouble. He spoiled us rotten from the lavish Christmases he gave us to buying me a new car after my Audi's accelerator got stuck on the freeway and almost killed me when I was 22. I remember him at the Nissan dealer, buying me that cherry red Nissan. He was in so much pain. I remember him holding his back. He took too many pills but now that I know chronic pain, I kind of understand.
He was generous with HIMSELF. He was a Renaissance man. He was brilliant and I'm not just saying that because he was my dad. He truly had amazing ideas - problem was he started one thing and never finished and was on to another in no time...he could talk about anything and everything and he did. He loved Classical music and movies and I can't tell you the times I caught him watching the ORIGINAL movie version of The Producers with Zero Mostel and he LOVED it and I think he would've been tickled to see that they took it to Broadway...although maybe not so tickled to see a remake of the movie. He loved Victory at Sea and anything having to do with World War II. He watched TV so much after he hurt his back...he taught me so much about movies, about actors and actresses way before my time. He loved sports and I know I didn't get THAT gene from him, haha, because I basically hate sports but he'd watch anything from hockey to baseball to NASCAR...whatever was on he'd watch it. He LOVED boxing and even when I said "How can you watch two men just pummel the shit out of each other" he kept watching.
He loved art, and history and oh yeah, art history; I think he loved that I was studying it. We talked about artists and paintings and he loved architecture and sailing and woodworking and industrial design and we talked about it all. He watched CNN relentlessly and we sat and talked about news and politics and I am so so so so so grateful for all the time I spent with him before he died. Just talking. Eating, talking, drinking Pepsi.
Oh yeah, forget the vodka, my dad was addicted to PEPSI - he drank so much of it I'm surprised it wasn't flowing through his veins. Towards the last few years of his life I did his grocery shopping for him and I bought so damned much Pepsi. Every time I came over he'd say "Hi Nee Pie, want a Pepsi?" See, Nee Pie was one of his nicknames for me and I can't even type it without tears running down my face because even though sometimes I have a hard time remembering him, remembering his voice, I can always, always, always hear him saying THAT so clearly.
He worked in real estate, both private and commercial, and he was brilliant at making money. But he sucked at keeping it, haha. I unfortunately am not brilliant at making money but I did seem to inherit the 'suck at keeping it' part, although I've gotten much, much better. He made enough though that for many years we lived a very very nice life and I have been taken care of since he died and for that I am eternally grateful. He was a charmer, a natural born salesman. I hate sales. I couldn't sell you anything - even for free.
He talked so much sometimes you wanted to scream, or strangle him, or even yourself. I think it was a nervous tic or something. He really talked and talked and talked. I think he got more talking done in his 53 years than a lot of people do who live until their 90's.
He talked to me about everything. I could call him with any problem and Lord knows I did. I had a lot of issues in my early 20's and he talked to me whenever, wherever. He was there for me in my 20's - he was working too hard at two or three jobs when I was young to be there for me. I understand that now. My mom had two jobs then - mother and father.
He LOVED cars. He had a lot of fancy cars in his life. Two BMW's, two Cadillacs (one of them was a white El Dorado that I called the Pimp Mobile), a Jaguar, a black Alfa Romeo, an Audi...he just loved cars.
He had really white skin - it was the Irish in him and burned so easily. I got his skin. He had skin cancer on his face a few times. This is why I live with sunscreen and have never tried to get a tan. He had the curliest hair; my niece's hair reminds me of my dad's hair. In his later years he had a balding spot. When he drove, he drove about 5 miles an hour, which drove ME nuts, and with his left arm resting on the door, he'd sit and curl one piece of hair until it stood straight out of his head like a corkscrew. It was a riot.
He showed up for all my big events - pain or not. He died three months before I graduated with my M.A. So I guessed he missed that big event.
Speaking of big, he was a BIG MAN. A TALL MAN. He was 6'4" and damn, why didn't I just get a couple more inches from him? He was never really fat at all (and when he did gain weight he could lose it faster than anyone I know) but he was a BIG guy. Very imposing.
He loved animals and was compassionate and had a pretty open mind; he talked about his gay water delivery man and I think if he were alive now he'd vote for gay marriage.
He bought my brother and I our first computers - plus laser printers! He always bought the best for us. He was a slob; between me and his maid it was all we could do to keep his house in order.
He LOVED magazines. He'd read ANY kind of magazine. He read about architecture and oil painting and interior design and sailboats and woodworking and cars and airplanes and the ones I hated the most, guns. He collected guns and that was the biggest point of contention with us - I was against the NRA, he was for it, and I didn't understand his fascination with guns. He never went hunting or shooting for any reason....all the guns were unused. So we clashed over that over and over.
He loved fine dining - and boy did I get that from him! My dad and mom took us to some of the finest restaurants in cities across the U.S. as KIDS...L.A., San Francisco, New York...he truly loved food. He loved fancy food and he loved low down messy food...a good sub sandwich was his idea of heaven. With about three Pepsi's of course.
This was my father. BTW his name is Dennis and I swear my mom insists they didn't name me after him - they never even made the connection. Notice I said his name IS Dennis. Because it IS and he IS still my father and he LIVES in my heart and no matter how much times goes by I will always be his Nee Pie.
Stream of consciousness Father's Day. So many I never felt anything; I normally don't like these contrived 'holidays' anyway...my Dad's birthday is June 25th...it was always so hard to get him both a Father's Day gift AND a separate birthday gift. Funny I heard something on the radio that would've been perfect for him...oh well, too late.
It's my 14th Father's Day without my Dad and some years were so easy peasy...after 13 years I honestly can go days, weeks without thinking too much about my dad. It's like he was part of a different world; well it was different then, I was only 28 years old...just a pup...when he died and so much has happened in the last 13 years. I often wonder where I'd begin if he could come back and I could tell him the story of my life and of the world - all the amazing and horrible things that have occurred over the last 13 years. Dad, let me tell you what 9/11 means...
Who knows, maybe he knows it all, maybe he knows more than I do...it's a nice thought. I don't know where he is, if he is, I don't even think about it anymore. I obsessed on it for a couple of years after he died...where did he go? WHERE DID HE GO? Then I let it go for the sake of sanity.
My dad was above all, and below all his failings and faults (and Jesus there were many - you know, alcoholic, violent temper, etc. etc.) a good and decent man. He cried when he accidentally ran over a cat once. He loved his cat Tamarin that I gave him, even though she was kind of a bitch. He deserved better. He made me so angry when he let her out and she got knocked up with 5 kittens but I have two of those kittens now...14 year old kittens and how I cherish them and worship them. One of them was his...Fletcher...Fletcher has a crooked tail and I know my dad identified with her the most (yes it's a her - don't ask about the name - long story) because my dad had a bad back. That's like saying we had some minor problems on 9/11. My dad had a hideous back that put him in constant, unrelenting, chronic severe pain every single day from February 16, 1981 until the day he died, February 12, 1996. Fifteen years of agony and I really am glad he's out of it. He deserved a better life than he got but hey, sometimes don't we all?
My dad was generous to a FAULT. Probably the most generous person I've ever met. I think I got that from him and sometimes being too generous will get you into trouble. He spoiled us rotten from the lavish Christmases he gave us to buying me a new car after my Audi's accelerator got stuck on the freeway and almost killed me when I was 22. I remember him at the Nissan dealer, buying me that cherry red Nissan. He was in so much pain. I remember him holding his back. He took too many pills but now that I know chronic pain, I kind of understand.
He was generous with HIMSELF. He was a Renaissance man. He was brilliant and I'm not just saying that because he was my dad. He truly had amazing ideas - problem was he started one thing and never finished and was on to another in no time...he could talk about anything and everything and he did. He loved Classical music and movies and I can't tell you the times I caught him watching the ORIGINAL movie version of The Producers with Zero Mostel and he LOVED it and I think he would've been tickled to see that they took it to Broadway...although maybe not so tickled to see a remake of the movie. He loved Victory at Sea and anything having to do with World War II. He watched TV so much after he hurt his back...he taught me so much about movies, about actors and actresses way before my time. He loved sports and I know I didn't get THAT gene from him, haha, because I basically hate sports but he'd watch anything from hockey to baseball to NASCAR...whatever was on he'd watch it. He LOVED boxing and even when I said "How can you watch two men just pummel the shit out of each other" he kept watching.
He loved art, and history and oh yeah, art history; I think he loved that I was studying it. We talked about artists and paintings and he loved architecture and sailing and woodworking and industrial design and we talked about it all. He watched CNN relentlessly and we sat and talked about news and politics and I am so so so so so grateful for all the time I spent with him before he died. Just talking. Eating, talking, drinking Pepsi.
Oh yeah, forget the vodka, my dad was addicted to PEPSI - he drank so much of it I'm surprised it wasn't flowing through his veins. Towards the last few years of his life I did his grocery shopping for him and I bought so damned much Pepsi. Every time I came over he'd say "Hi Nee Pie, want a Pepsi?" See, Nee Pie was one of his nicknames for me and I can't even type it without tears running down my face because even though sometimes I have a hard time remembering him, remembering his voice, I can always, always, always hear him saying THAT so clearly.
He worked in real estate, both private and commercial, and he was brilliant at making money. But he sucked at keeping it, haha. I unfortunately am not brilliant at making money but I did seem to inherit the 'suck at keeping it' part, although I've gotten much, much better. He made enough though that for many years we lived a very very nice life and I have been taken care of since he died and for that I am eternally grateful. He was a charmer, a natural born salesman. I hate sales. I couldn't sell you anything - even for free.
He talked so much sometimes you wanted to scream, or strangle him, or even yourself. I think it was a nervous tic or something. He really talked and talked and talked. I think he got more talking done in his 53 years than a lot of people do who live until their 90's.
He talked to me about everything. I could call him with any problem and Lord knows I did. I had a lot of issues in my early 20's and he talked to me whenever, wherever. He was there for me in my 20's - he was working too hard at two or three jobs when I was young to be there for me. I understand that now. My mom had two jobs then - mother and father.
He LOVED cars. He had a lot of fancy cars in his life. Two BMW's, two Cadillacs (one of them was a white El Dorado that I called the Pimp Mobile), a Jaguar, a black Alfa Romeo, an Audi...he just loved cars.
He had really white skin - it was the Irish in him and burned so easily. I got his skin. He had skin cancer on his face a few times. This is why I live with sunscreen and have never tried to get a tan. He had the curliest hair; my niece's hair reminds me of my dad's hair. In his later years he had a balding spot. When he drove, he drove about 5 miles an hour, which drove ME nuts, and with his left arm resting on the door, he'd sit and curl one piece of hair until it stood straight out of his head like a corkscrew. It was a riot.
He showed up for all my big events - pain or not. He died three months before I graduated with my M.A. So I guessed he missed that big event.
Speaking of big, he was a BIG MAN. A TALL MAN. He was 6'4" and damn, why didn't I just get a couple more inches from him? He was never really fat at all (and when he did gain weight he could lose it faster than anyone I know) but he was a BIG guy. Very imposing.
He loved animals and was compassionate and had a pretty open mind; he talked about his gay water delivery man and I think if he were alive now he'd vote for gay marriage.
He bought my brother and I our first computers - plus laser printers! He always bought the best for us. He was a slob; between me and his maid it was all we could do to keep his house in order.
He LOVED magazines. He'd read ANY kind of magazine. He read about architecture and oil painting and interior design and sailboats and woodworking and cars and airplanes and the ones I hated the most, guns. He collected guns and that was the biggest point of contention with us - I was against the NRA, he was for it, and I didn't understand his fascination with guns. He never went hunting or shooting for any reason....all the guns were unused. So we clashed over that over and over.
He loved fine dining - and boy did I get that from him! My dad and mom took us to some of the finest restaurants in cities across the U.S. as KIDS...L.A., San Francisco, New York...he truly loved food. He loved fancy food and he loved low down messy food...a good sub sandwich was his idea of heaven. With about three Pepsi's of course.
This was my father. BTW his name is Dennis and I swear my mom insists they didn't name me after him - they never even made the connection. Notice I said his name IS Dennis. Because it IS and he IS still my father and he LIVES in my heart and no matter how much times goes by I will always be his Nee Pie.
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Sanity Already Returning...Slowly
1. Even I had to laugh at my last blog. It was pretty out there and funny.
2. This is your friendly prison warden reminding you that I AM DONE FOR SUMMER!
3. Well at least I think I'm done. There's no summer school and not that many year round schools.
4. I just flirted with a news guy on Twitter (he does the news on one of our biggest talk radio stations) and he added me as a friend on Facebook. I feel like a teenager! Squee! He's really cute and has a sexxxxay voice.
5. How old am I?
6. Glad S is feeling better. Still pissed I can't go to the wedding.
7. Don't let the fact that I haven't talked much about missing the Church show fool you. I feel really sad about it. But frankly, I feel much better physically this week and that takes priority.
8. I feel badly (bad? what the hell kind of English teacher am I going to be?) about the kids who were planning to see the band in Kansas City. Kansas? KC? Who knows. Somewhere in flyover country as we Angelenos like to say.
9. My gay boyfriend Anderson Cooper's airplane was hit by lightning today. God doesn't know who He's messing with here!He needs to stop scaring my Anderson!
10. I have to go to a bank tomorrow and deal with a CD. Interest rates SUCK. I might be lucky enough to get 2.25% on my CD. I remember getting 7% once. Of course I also remember the Carter years...not that I had CD's back then...but still. 11, 12%? Crazeeeee.
11. We are still going to Palm Springs even though it's going to be brutally hot. Fuck it. I've been there in 115 degree weather. I'm getting a massage, going to the movies and gambling with the money I don't have. I'll also swim in the pool at 6am when it's only 95 degrees. Hahahahahaa. Heh. Can you say shitloads of sunscreen and a hat? Plus water and a spray bottle?
12. I heard today LAUSD is laying off 2,000 more workers. They ran out of stimulus money. What, do they fucking burn it as soon as they get it?
13. I am out of cat food. This is a scary prospect as the cats start looking at me funny. Mmmm...hungry.
14. I am super superstitious. I can't stop this blog on #13. Sorry. Deal with my eccentricities people!
1. Even I had to laugh at my last blog. It was pretty out there and funny.
2. This is your friendly prison warden reminding you that I AM DONE FOR SUMMER!
3. Well at least I think I'm done. There's no summer school and not that many year round schools.
4. I just flirted with a news guy on Twitter (he does the news on one of our biggest talk radio stations) and he added me as a friend on Facebook. I feel like a teenager! Squee! He's really cute and has a sexxxxay voice.
5. How old am I?
6. Glad S is feeling better. Still pissed I can't go to the wedding.
7. Don't let the fact that I haven't talked much about missing the Church show fool you. I feel really sad about it. But frankly, I feel much better physically this week and that takes priority.
8. I feel badly (bad? what the hell kind of English teacher am I going to be?) about the kids who were planning to see the band in Kansas City. Kansas? KC? Who knows. Somewhere in flyover country as we Angelenos like to say.
9. My gay boyfriend Anderson Cooper's airplane was hit by lightning today. God doesn't know who He's messing with here!He needs to stop scaring my Anderson!
10. I have to go to a bank tomorrow and deal with a CD. Interest rates SUCK. I might be lucky enough to get 2.25% on my CD. I remember getting 7% once. Of course I also remember the Carter years...not that I had CD's back then...but still. 11, 12%? Crazeeeee.
11. We are still going to Palm Springs even though it's going to be brutally hot. Fuck it. I've been there in 115 degree weather. I'm getting a massage, going to the movies and gambling with the money I don't have. I'll also swim in the pool at 6am when it's only 95 degrees. Hahahahahaa. Heh. Can you say shitloads of sunscreen and a hat? Plus water and a spray bottle?
12. I heard today LAUSD is laying off 2,000 more workers. They ran out of stimulus money. What, do they fucking burn it as soon as they get it?
13. I am out of cat food. This is a scary prospect as the cats start looking at me funny. Mmmm...hungry.
14. I am super superstitious. I can't stop this blog on #13. Sorry. Deal with my eccentricities people!
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Hey You Idiot Motherfuckers Quit Driving Me Crazy
I am at school now. Today is my last day. Not THE last day, but MY last day. These monkeys are on crack and I've had it for the year. Friday is officially the last day. I ha.te this piece of crap computer I am on. I just thought I'd share all my negativity with you.
I just told the class to quit driving me crazy. I kept the "motherfuckers" part in my head. I think.
There is one kid in here I want to put on a slow boat to China. The entire class is playing with decks of cards. Do I care? They could be having a cockfight and as long as they're not bothering me I do not care.
I have a free period next period. 5th period. Awesome I am going to turn out the lights and take one of my mini naps. Which is kind of uncomfortable at a desk but it beats dealing with these hyenas for another period. So far no one has broke anything, glued anything down, although I'd like to glue this girl's mouth shut. If this kid was my daughter I'd slap her face so hard her head would spin right off her neck.
They are running now. I have to go break some balls.
I am at school now. Today is my last day. Not THE last day, but MY last day. These monkeys are on crack and I've had it for the year. Friday is officially the last day. I ha.te this piece of crap computer I am on. I just thought I'd share all my negativity with you.
I just told the class to quit driving me crazy. I kept the "motherfuckers" part in my head. I think.
There is one kid in here I want to put on a slow boat to China. The entire class is playing with decks of cards. Do I care? They could be having a cockfight and as long as they're not bothering me I do not care.
I have a free period next period. 5th period. Awesome I am going to turn out the lights and take one of my mini naps. Which is kind of uncomfortable at a desk but it beats dealing with these hyenas for another period. So far no one has broke anything, glued anything down, although I'd like to glue this girl's mouth shut. If this kid was my daughter I'd slap her face so hard her head would spin right off her neck.
They are running now. I have to go break some balls.
Monday, June 15, 2009
Randomness
1. I didn't work today. Frankly after last week, I needed today. Friday is the last day of school. I think the kids will be worse than howler monkeys at that point. Wish I had a tranquilizer gun. Uh oh, shouldn't say gun!
2. Am going to Curves in less than an hour. I'm working up a sweat just thinking about it.
3. Ok, this June gloom is making me want to slit my wrists. BUT I say that with a caveat: it has to hang on through next week. Why? Because I think we're going to make another stab at going to Palm Springs. If June gloom hangs around, PS won't be 115 degrees.
4. I really, really, really want to get out of here for a while.
5. My cryptic comment of the day: No matter what some people do, they inevitably make you feel like shit. (Don't worry loyal blog readers, this has nothing to do with you!)
5. I'm totally bummed I'm going to miss S's wedding. :(
6. The great thing about working out is that it's OK to look like shit.
7. My cat Fletcher LOVES to sit by the power cords and the surge protector under my desk. WTF? I keep kicking her out but she always goes back. Weird.
8. Catz says I have lots to say - not this time! I can't even get to 10!
*9. Update: I just got home from my workout at Curves! I feel great! However, I will be glad to get my third workout done; they require someone to be 'teaching' you the proper way to use the machines, etc. the first three workouts and I'd like to start working out on my own. But wow, I wish I'd joined sooner. Ya'll should see how red my face is though, haha.
1. I didn't work today. Frankly after last week, I needed today. Friday is the last day of school. I think the kids will be worse than howler monkeys at that point. Wish I had a tranquilizer gun. Uh oh, shouldn't say gun!
2. Am going to Curves in less than an hour. I'm working up a sweat just thinking about it.
3. Ok, this June gloom is making me want to slit my wrists. BUT I say that with a caveat: it has to hang on through next week. Why? Because I think we're going to make another stab at going to Palm Springs. If June gloom hangs around, PS won't be 115 degrees.
4. I really, really, really want to get out of here for a while.
5. My cryptic comment of the day: No matter what some people do, they inevitably make you feel like shit. (Don't worry loyal blog readers, this has nothing to do with you!)
5. I'm totally bummed I'm going to miss S's wedding. :(
6. The great thing about working out is that it's OK to look like shit.
7. My cat Fletcher LOVES to sit by the power cords and the surge protector under my desk. WTF? I keep kicking her out but she always goes back. Weird.
8. Catz says I have lots to say - not this time! I can't even get to 10!
*9. Update: I just got home from my workout at Curves! I feel great! However, I will be glad to get my third workout done; they require someone to be 'teaching' you the proper way to use the machines, etc. the first three workouts and I'd like to start working out on my own. But wow, I wish I'd joined sooner. Ya'll should see how red my face is though, haha.
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