Atlanta, etc.

Well, let's see...where to begin. We left for Atlanta on Friday morning the 8th. We were going specifically for Mother's Day, as my sister-in-law just lost her mother suddenly last October and is understandably having a lot of grief. Anyway, I've already talked about the reappearance of my insane fear of flying. Even with Xanax, I've been especially nervous on the last few flights I've taken. Let Dr. Freud figure out. Also, coming home sick on a plane is truly one of the lousiest experiences you can have when traveling. Especially sitting in economy class - I mean, the sardine section. I'm sure it has to do with issues of being out of control, blah blah blah. But I also fear the plane just falling out of the sky and me screaming for 30,000 feet. Eh. Hopefully I'll go back to my more philosophical, Zen-like way of flying in the future.

The trip was fine until I got sick on Tuesday. We ALL got sick to one degree or another. My poor niece Ella had one of the worst head colds I've seen in a toddler. She was just dripping all over - sorry to be so graphic. Her face made you feel miserable just looking at it! But aside from napping a little more, she was her usual happy, cheerful self, playing with us, watching Sesame Street, and worshipping her God, Elmo. She really is one of the happiest, good-natured children I've met; after all she's been through, she's really quite the chipper one. Anyway, then her mother Mary got sick, and her father (my brother), then me, then my mom. And as we alllllll know by now, when I get a cold, I get slammed and also get a sinus infection. Let's just saying landing at LAX gave new meaning to the words "ear pain."

Because of Ella - then the rest of us - we mostly hung out, went out to dinner, visited a cute town called Roswell, GA and then we flew home Wednesday morning. The coolest thing was my mom got fed up with the stupid airport shuttles and hired a private car to take us to and from the airport. THAT was sweet. I could seriously get used to that treatment. I stayed at my mom's on Thursday night, picked up the cats on Friday and oh yeah, went to the doctor Friday morning.

I called and pretty much said "I HAVE TO SEE THE DOCTOR NOW!" I knew I needed the dreaded Levaquin antibiotics. My dr. (whom I've known for 7 years) told me for the first time yesterday that he used to have sinus infections for 6-7 months out of the year. He is better now, but insisted I see an allergist. He was telling me how he takes such good care of his nose. I wish I could take my nose off at night and place it on a velvet fucking pillow like a crown, you know? So I'm making an appointment on Monday because you know, I JUST CANNOT GO ONE FREAKIN' MONTH WIHTOUT MAKING AN APPOINTMENT WITH SOME KIND OF DOCTOR!

I know, believe me, I know, this could be worse. Sinus problems fall into the category of highly annoying, not highly dangerous.

Oh but let's rewind and talk about those two feline bitches I have. Sadly, when I board them, for whatever reason, the vet insists on placing them in separate cages. So when they get out, they are all pissed at each other, smelling different odors and scents and treating each other like strangers. I always take them to the vet in one giant carrier (why I don't have bigger arm muscles just from carrying that occasionally is beyond me.) Usually they'll go home in one carrier, but fight like cats and dogs. Hahaha. Not funny. This time Fletcher REFUSED to get into the carrier with Zoe. So the vet was kind enough to loan me a tiny carrier for Fletcher. So I drive home, almost an hour's drive, with these two cats, and Zoe is just HOWLING the entire time. I thought about pulling over on the freeway and tossing her carrier out the door. Every now and again Fletcher would let out a low "MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW" just to make it sound like stereo in the car. Zoe was making these gutteral noises with her throat that really belonged in "The Exorcist: Feline Demons" or something. Bitches! Did not! make my! day! any! easier!

So after dumping them at home I went to get my Rx filled so I can fill my body with more antibiotics. Such crap! Zoe walked around and cried all night last night and I was reminded once again, how lucky I am to be childless.

This is the extent of my exciting life. I have used up all my absences with regards to subbing, so come Monday, I work or....or....I don't know what'll happen. Hell, there's less than a month of school left anyway. I've decided no matter what it is, I have to get a full-time job come Sept. because subbing is just not cutting it, money wise. Plus I hate it. BUT in this economy who knows what kind of job I will, or can, get it. I hate the not knowing, the uncertainty. I am trying to tell myself that someday I will have my classroom and be able to teach like I want to. And never end sentences with prepositions. In other words, I'm trying to be positive. As S so astutely noted, people keep having kids, so they've got to have teachers.

Right know, who knows. That is what my life is like - a big giant WHO KNOWS!

Back

I'm back from Atlanta but have a nasty cold - Ella (my niece) was sick when we got there, as was my sister-in-law (I think) and we all ended up getting sick. I usually get the worst cold - who knows why. I will blog about the trip later. I feel drained and have nooooooooo energy today. Also I'm having extreme flying fears lately and I don't know why. I'd gotten sooooooooo good at flying, even after our engine blew out over the Pacific when coming back from Hawai'i 13 years ago. There is always a tremendous amount of turbulence flying from Atlanta to L.A. - why? Going against the wind? Who knows....but I was so nervous the entire flight yesterday I think I expended enough energy to light an entire town. I was holding armrest so tightly I thought I broke my hand. Ugh.

Anyway, when I have some more energy I'll fill y'all in on in on things....

Stuck

Oh yeah, that was definitely my hormones speaking in my last blog. Let's just say things have moved along and mentally I feel much better. No longer feel homicidal urges.

I haven't worked in forever. I took a week off, because we were going to Palm Springs and I'd already taken it off and I wanted to see how this flu would pan out (a lot of media hsyteria), and now I'm not working because they're doing state testing this week and teachers MUST be at school to administer these tests. I remember doing it last year. It's all part of No Child Left Behind. Then I'm taking a week off starting tomorrow because Friday morning we're leaving for Atlanta. Tomorrow the cats ARE going into the brink. Extreme sadness ensues. It's going to be a fight getting them into the carrier. That's always fun. Scratches for me and wailing and crying for them.

So Friday morning we're a-leaving on a jet plane! A flu-mobile. Haha. Kidding. I'm so excited because I get to see my crazy niece. I miss her sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much. She apparently has changed a LOT since Christmas. And I was so sick at Christmas I barely interacted with her.

I am still suffering from a major case of inertia. I am stuck. I can't seem to put any resumes out because frankly I don't think there's going to be any teaching jobs available, and well, I'm just STUCK. I have learned helplessness. Sometimes I think subconsciously I've had so many bad teaching experiences in the last three years I don't even want to teach anymore. But what else am I qualified to do? And what jobs are available in this economy? Nada! I'm stuck in almost every area of my life. It sucks. If anyone has any advice how to get unstuck I'd love to hear it. I actually bought a book called "Stuck: Why We Can't (or Won't) Move On" and hell, I've been too stuck to even read it. I just pulled it off my bookshelf. Dust off the dust jacket and it's time to read it.

I loooooooooooooooooove my new iPhone. It does everything - except get me unstuck. Oh - the one thing it doesn't do - voice activation. I'm stunned. HELLO APPLE? You're a bunch of fucking morons for neglecting this ONE feature. It was soooooooooooooooooooooooooooo easy to use my Bluetooth on the road with my Razr phone and just touch my ear and say "Call Steven at home" and my phone would dial it for me. But does the iPhone have this incredible safety feature? NO! Apple thinks of EVERYTHING and really, oddly enough, the phone is the weakest link in the iPhone. What a bunch of morons. In July Apple is offering several new free updates to the iPhone and I'm praying voice-activated dialing is one of them. I can't be looking up a number to dial while speeding down the freeway. Idiots. It's so obvious it's almost like they excluded it on purpose.

I'm also looking forward to going away because on vacation your reality is totally suspended and you don't have to face anything. I need to start packing because well, it takes me a few days to get my packing shit together. I'm not only stuck, I do everything in slow motion. I should've had some kids. They'd get me going, haha. My life is technically 1/2 over and where the hell am I? Where am I going? Nowhere fast, as they say.

My foot is much better but not 100%. I'd say another few weeks and hopefully it will be close to 100%. It's been a little over a month since I took a header over the bench and smashed my foot into the concrete wall of the bench. Ouch.

Well this may be my most boring blog ever. Blame it on me being stuck.

Photo: My niece Ella, making one of the craziest faces I've ever seen on a toddler.

Beyond Cranky

I am in such a bad mood right now; words cannot convey it. A lot of it STILL has to do with my PMS. Ever since I started taking this Yaz birth control it seems my PMS is better but NOT THIS MONTH! I want heads on a stick! I want to kill! I want to scream! I can't really pinpoint exactly what's wrong so that's why I think it's hormonal.

Big plans for the weekend. My cousin and I are supposed to go visit my grandpa tomorrow. He is in a convalescent home; I feel really badly for him. He is 95 going on 96 years old and basically just sitting and waiting to die. Is there anything worse?

Sunday I am helping Jill with her garage sale. She is selling almost all her grandma's stuff. FUN TIMES AHEAD!

I've done nothing with my week. Even my iPhone isn't doing it for me anymore. THAT was fast, huh? No wonder kids need new toys about every three seconds. Fuck Fuck fuck fuck fuck!


FUCK!

Concerned, But Not Alarmed

When the President starts parsing adjectives over a possible flu epidemic/pandemic I start to wonder....

Anyway, the bad, sad, mad, crazy news is that I am NOT in Palm Springs and won't be going this week. All things were just not working in our favor. My foot hurts more today - a lot of walking was out. The weather is too cool - not cooperating at all. No pool. Other problems involved a head cold, an infected eye and PMS. I will take responsibility for the foot and the PMS. Haha. So we've postponed the trip. The good news is I'm not working today, nor tomorrow, as I hardly ever, ever work on Tuesdays. The obvious news is I turn 42 today and how do I feel about this? Bleh. Blah. Blah blah blippity blah.

If it was up to my mom, I'd never go back to work, because she has surpassed both concerned and alarmed and has gone into mild hysteria over the flu. She tends to work herself up pretty easily about these things.

So I wake up early this morning and my fridge gives me an early morning b-day gift. It starts making a crackling noise; then I smell something burning. It only took two hours for the dimwits in maintenance to get to my apartment and look at it. Turns out there were about 2,000 dust bunnies under and behind the fridge; they vacuumed it out (yes I'm a lousy housekeeper for not moving the fridge for months and months) and looked it over and declared that dust/dirt/whatever probably got near something hot. There is no more burning smell but the damn thing has been clicking all morning. I ASKED dimwit maintenance man why it was clicking but did he know? Hell no! He just said if the temperature changed to call them. Hell, I see a new fridge in my future. The freezer seems less freezing than it should. They'll be back - no doubt in a few days. If I call them again now, maybe I'll be lucky enough to get them back here by Wednesday.

So happy birthday to me! Being an adult sucks! I want to be a kid again when all I had to do was look forward to my awesome cake and gifts! And pin the tail on the Democrat! I mean, donkey.
My sweet mom is actually making me a cake; that's pretty cool of her. Not that I need cake. I've lost weight and want to keep losing but hey, a person has to have some cake on his/her b-day, right?

Thomas, your quips and quotes and prose and poems have been cracking me up on Facebook. You're quite the wit lately.

S, I haven't commented yet on today's blog, but I love the title. SNAP! Bad mood for no reason! That should be my middle name. I'm actually thinking of changing my middle name to 'misanthrope.' Or just 'bitch.' Also, chronic pain is, as you know, just infamous for creating bad moods and they ARE there for a reason: you are in PAIN! In a way, after 15 years I have to be used to it, but then again, I'm not. I think I've got some crazy ass hope stuck in my head that one morning I'll just wake up FREE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'll let you forks know if/when this happens. In the meantime, I continue to feel bad S, that you are suffering, and I want the chiro to speed things up for you! (And yes Sandy, forks = food = something I think about too often.)

The cats have no idea how close they came to going into the brink today. They're just lying on the bed, snoozing away, oblivious as usual. My goal is to find a pet sitter before the postponed trip so I won't have to put them in isolation in cold, dark, dank cells! It's like GITMO FOR CATS! They don't even get a prayer mat.

Well I haven't been on Facebook in about 27 seconds, so time to check for updates. The iPhone cometh sometime this week - THAT insanity is still ON!

Random Thoughts

1. I normally don't get too concerned about flu outbreaks (i.e. the bird flu a few years ago) but this swine flu outbreak is disturbing. It's being passed from person to person and is quickly making its way around the world to various countries. There are 7 confirmed cases here in CA. Naturally. And what do I do? Teach Hispanic kids who go back and forth to Mexico constantly with their families (if you haven't heard the outbreak is much, much worse in Mexico - esp. Mexico City). They'd better leave the oink virus down there. I'm gonna be a Nazi about using Kleenex, covering mouths when sneezing, coughing and washing hands. Yes, this flu has me a bit spooked.

2. I am going to Palm Springs tomorrow (my b-day!) for a few days. I will be back Friday. It's only going to be in the mid 80's there so it should be nice.

3. The saga of my right foot. Where did I leave off? I had a billion x-rays at the urgent care and the weird dr. said there were no fractures. This was on a Thursday. Then on Monday as I'm driving back home from Burbank, I get a voice mail from the urgent care stating that they need to speak to me, but because of strict HIPPA (confidentiality) laws, can't tell me what's wrong. Way to get me all anxious. So I race on over there and the radiologist looked at the x-rays and thought MAYBE I had a fracture on the dorsum area of my foot (top of my foot). MAYBE. They weren't sure. I'd need a CAT-SCAN. But they wouldn't just give me one; no, they told me it'd be 3-5 days before my insurance even OK'd it. 3-5 days? Hello, I have a PPO - it should only take one phone call to get approval. I demanded to see the doctor and ended up seeing ANOTHER dr. who looked at my x-rays again and just wasn't convinced I had a break. Also, the weird thing was, I had NO PAIN on top of my foot.

However, this is the strangest injury I've ever experienced. Every day the pain migrates. It was in my heel and the dr. didn't know why. Now it's mostly on the side of my ankle. Some days it's much better...sometimes it's gone entirely. However if I'm on my foot all day for work it gets a little irritated. The doc said just keep wrapping it with the Ace bandage and take the anti-inflammatories and if it's worse, come back. They said there wasn't much they could do anyway for a bone on top of the foot. So I am babying it the best I can. Today it's really quite good. I think the tendons and ligaments are healing very slowly. It itches too. Weird huh? I have to stop myself from scratching my foot and lower leg. Honestly, I had no idea I would get such a long-lasting injury from that fucking bench accident. But feet take a long time to heal. I won't be doing a ton of walking this week, needless to say. More like a ton of being in the pool.

4. I'm really sorry to hear about S's back problems and pain. I so understand the lack of energy part. Chronic pain just drains you. And she's right. DON'T WAIT TO TRY AND MAKE IT BETTER! I had fibro for 11 years before I even got on a medicine that helped me because I wasn't aggressive enough about my treatment. I had it for 10 years before I even got something for the pain - some Ultram - which really isn't a true narcotic but does have similar pain-killing properties. I think I thought I could tough it out - and I did for 11 years and then pretty much cracked. There's just no need to suffer. Anyway, I hope and pray this chiro can help you S like he claims! The claims sound good so I have my fingers crossed for you.

5. I have been working 4-5 days a week which is twice what I was working in the fall. Good money; however my mind is shot by the end of each day spending it with over 200 hormonal howler monkeys.

6. I have to board the cats this week. I HATE HATE HATE doing this to them. They fight it like crazy, they cry incessantly once I get them in the carrier and I know they are sad and unhappy. But I still haven't found anyone I trust to come in to my house and take care of them. I soooooo miss the services of Gena. Ha! I don't miss her friendship - just her taking care of the cats. I'm so cold.

7. I can't believe I'm 42 years old. That just sounds so ADULT and yet I still feel about 25 in my head. (My body is another story). Sometimes I feel like a child and just want to cry and throw a tantrum! LOL! God, my grandma was just having my DAD at 42. Insanity.

8. I am getting an iPhone for my birthday. I am terribly, abnormally excited about this! I do not and cannot keep up with everything in the tech world - just don't have the money for it. But I've wanted an iPhone for a long time and my sweet, generous mom is going to get it for me. Really, it's scary how excited I am over this. I'm thinking "Oh great, I can do Facebook now anywhere I want!" My addiction to Facebook is another problem. Let's face it - anything that keeps me away from reality - I'm up for it.

9. I received my Church tickets in the mail. I also pre-ordered the new CD. I admit, I am getting more excited to see them, but think I may end up going solo. SAD SAD SAD! My friend Cheri won't go, and I doubt Jill will go. I can ask my cousin Sara, who goes to clubs all the time, but she might be bored with the Church. Who knows.

10. Well, that's all folks. I almost called you guys forks. Gotta run some errands. Joy! Be good, have a good week and wash your hands!

I Passed!! Part II

Yes, I just found out I passed my final two English CSET exams (California Subject Exams for Teachers). Now I have to take one stupid methods class and I'll be certified by the state to teach English. I'm already certifiable in many other ways, yes.

Very excited. Unable to do couch jumping due to foot, which is getting better - but didn't want to push it. Swelling is down to almost nothing. Icing foot still as I write.

Too Cute!
My niece Ella, who has fallen asleep in her exersaucer. (Yes, that's what it is called!)

A Whole Lotta Nothin'

WTF? I am having problems with the font size again on this thing. I KNOW how to change the font size. It just won't take. I am so pissed at blogger! I can't imagine what I could be doing wrong! Anyway...

Well my lovely spring break is almost at an end. I'm not sure if I'll be called Monday to work, but I know I'll be called sometime next week so officially fun times are over on Monday for me. It was more productive than I'd hoped because I actually got some great SLEEP! And we know how elusive that is for me. I haven't slept this well in months. I also read a lot, watched a lot of movies and just generally enjoyed not being around those little shits.

Speaking of...haha...I had to take my mom for her colonoscopy yesterday. She insists they didn't give her enough anesthesia last time so this time they really, really drugged her out. She was wacky yesterday. I stayed overnight with her just to make sure everything was OK. The good news is she got a totally clean bill of health - as far as her colon is concerned. At least you get insta-results with a colonoscopy.

I'm sure you all know this by now but I did buy tickets to see The Church at the Roxy. I succumbed to the fear that they might not tour again; although part of me sees The Church touring on walkers if need be. I am going to have to see who might go with me - if anyone. Sad!

Well, because of my bench accident, I really screwed up my right ankle. For some crazy reason it didn't start hurting until almost a week after the accident. Now it's killing me. I think I've sprained it. It's really bruised and it hurts somewhat to walk. It was getting better but today it hurts even more. If it doesn't start getting better soon I'm gonna have to see another dr. and we all know how much I HATE SEEING DOCTORS!

I am still at my mom's waiting for her to come home with the groceries for Easter dinner. We are not religious about Easter at all, but we still do the dinner thing. I like to think of Easter as a pagan holiday celebrating spring - what it started out as in the beginning anyway, no doubt. It's not like I'm a kid and am going to get an Easter basket. I have serious trouble with the Christian beliefs that surround Easter; I always have.

Anyway, this blog is very similar to my break in that it is full of a whole lotta nothin' but I thought I'd check in with y'all anyway. I keep looking at V's blog to see if she is officially preggers but nothing! I'm going to call her. I'm sure she is; I just wanted to see if she went to the doc's. I'm so nosy. But excited!

Spring Break

Ok, do NOT get me wrong - I LOVE not being at work. LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE it. Not being around those stupid trashy wanna be gangsta kids with their filthy vulgar mouths? It's lovely. But spring break is kind of lonely when you're the only one on it. My friend Cheri, who is also a teacher, is naturally on her break NEXT week. Boo hoo.

Why do all you people have to live in different states? Texas, Arizona, Illinois, Ohio - even northern California (which would love to separate from us and become its own state I'm sure). Of course California can't take anymore people, that's for sure. Maybe I should move - but sadly I can't handle snow and extreme heat. Wuss!!!

Well I'm going to go off and entertain myself and don't take that the wrong way all you kids with dirty minds! ; )

The Bench Accident - Or How I Am The Biggest Moron in All of History

Ok, so there's a little hyperbole in the title, but still, I felt like the biggest moron in all of history after I got over the shock of being on the ground - or kind of being on the ground and half straddling a fucking bench.

Last Wednesday I was at one of my usual hell holes, subbing for LAUSD. I'd been there before but still needed a map to find the classroom. So I'm walking along, looking intently at this map, and I walk straight into a long line of benches. I was - how do I say this - parallel with it - meaning I literally fell onto the end of the bench - not the middle - I literally just slammed into it, the concrete barriers around it, tripped and fell down. It wasn't like a little gracious fall however. My entire body literally flew over the bench. The only thing that kept me from falling flat on my face (and hitting my head, thank God) were my extremities. My arms went flailing but my right leg must have hit the bench really hard because my right foot up to my inner right thigh is totally black and blue. I also had a HUGE lump on my right shin (it's gone down to almost nothing now), and I still have a massive bruise on my left knee, left arm and left elbow. I got a few cuts along the way but nothing major.

What was so awful was the utter shock of it all. One minute I'm walking along and the next it's like I've been hit by a car. It took me at least a minute to come back to reality because I couldn't figure out where I was for a minute or why I was on the ground. I was so freaked out I actually thought "Oh my god, did I hit my head? I think I would've felt it if I hit my head." I am obviously feeling the repercussions of poor Natasha Richardson's head injury and panicked for a minute. Then I realized "I think I'd know if I hit my head." These girls circled around me like a flock of birds and one was sweet enough to pick up my stuff. Other rubbernecking morons just gaped at me like the idiots they are.

But honestly, I really wasn't even embarrassed because I was in such a state of shock. I kind of wanted to cry because it hurt so much! But alas, that was out of the question. Anyway, that's the worst fall I've had since I was 9 years old and fell and knocked out my permanent teeth (they saved them). I just gathered my things and limped along to class like nothing happened and managed to get through the day - with 7 periods of some of the worst students to boot.

So, that my friends, is the bench accident. You too can be humiliated and yet not even feel it because you're in such shock you did such a stupid thing at a middle school. Anyway, less than a week later and I am still limping along, just grateful it wasn't worse. And I am VERY careful about looking where I'm going now.

Anyway, I am in a better mood tonight. I just watched Slumdog Millionaire and cried like a baby (or a woman with PMS) at the end. I LOVED it. How can you not love this movie? I think it has one of the most romantic moments in all of movie history in it but I won't spoil it if you haven't seen it. I laughed, I cried. How's that for cliched?

I am really into The Wire now. Did anyone ever watch this? Naturally I am only about seven years late on this show. I think they had their final season last year; thank God for Netflix and DVD's. It used to be on HBO and is about Baltimore cops and bad guys, haha. Sounds cliched but it's really quite brilliant and the lead detective, actor Dominic West, is adorable.

OK, so onto other things...Sandy - are you going to Chicago to see the Church? Did I misread your comment? I think you are going! Also, Eek, I was thinking about the Church's last tour in 2006 - the one where I helped out with Steve's art. They played Santa Barbara, Hollywood, Orange County AND San Diego. I sadly missed the 2004 tour completely. I know times are tougher now and I can't expect huge tours from them...I had just really hoped to see some Church friends!

OK my psycho cat Zoe is running back and forth outside my bedroom door and I keep thinking it's a person. She sooooooooooo needs a Xanax. (Don't worry, I only drug myself, not my animals).

Also, thank you Eek, for that story about your poor mum and her sinuses. Doctors are so weird. I think mine gave up on me today. He was like, go see an allergist, your immune system is shot. Oh thanks so MUCH doc! I feel great now. Bastard.

Anyway, that's it. My bruised leg and I are going to bed.

Photo: British actor Dominic West - I am indeed such a sucker for the Brits - even when they're playing Americans!

WTF?

I am in such a flaming bad mood today. Went to the ENT AGAIN because of my sinuses. He has referred me to an allergist. Just what I want to do - go to yet ANOTHER FUCKING DOCTOR! I actually asked my ENT either to get me well or kill me. I told him I understand that last part isn't really part of his oath, but you know...fuck this shit. My sinuses have NOT given me this much trouble since 2002. I want to drill holes in my head.

And the Church, those mofo's, are doing the shortest tour ever. I really thought I might get to see Staci - but it's her beau's b-day and I don't think any of my other friends and relatives can make it out for one stinkin' Church show in June.

I'm on spring break; that's the good news. I can only sleep in til about 8am now because I get up so early during the week. Still, it beats getting up at 4 or 5 am!

I am also PMSing OK? There I said it. I just want to crawl under the covers. I'm going to do that now actually. I was thinking of taking of picture of my entire right leg, and putting it on here, because it literally looks like a car ran over it. This is the leg that took the brunt of the bench accident. It's really ugly and hurts like Hell. My doctor gave me no morphine. What a dick!

Money Matters

Ah...money. Such a delicate matter. I was brought up to believe that one didn't discuss money amongst polite company. However, after reading my friend Sandy's blog, and the comments on that blog, I've been thinking a lot about money and this dreadful economy. I've also been thinking about my recent blog asking people to donate to a cause I felt deeply about, if they could. And besides, I don't know any polite company, so what the hell. ; ) (Kidding, of course).

First of all, I'm no Suze Orman, and for that, I thank God every day. Seriously, I can't stand that woman. She does have some decent advice, but something about her rubs me the wrong way. So anyway, now that we all understand I'm no financial expert, let's move on.

I've made a lot of mistakes with money over the years. I was a spender. I was a shopper. I admit this. I shopped a lot during the early years of my illness, right after my dad died and I had inherited a good chunk of change. I felt if I had to endure such unrelenting pain and fatigue in my life, I was going to have what I wanted. Looking back now, I wish I had been a little more prudent with my money. But what's done is done. I am very prudent with what's left and I can't do anything about the past but learn from it.

I know people who have no money, but who are the most generous souls on the face of the earth. They would literally give you the proverbial shirt off their back. I know people with a fair amount of money who are so cheap that my teeth clench when I think of them, because I despise pathological cheapness, not just because I think it's absolutely insane, but because it becomes part of a person's personality. Apparently these people think that you CAN take it with you, and they have no generosity of spirit either. I have found you can tell a LOT about a person by looking at how they handle his/her money.

I think Sandy made some very valid points in her blog and so did every one who commented. I didn't feel (and this is my humble opinion) that anyone needed to apologize or justify their money situation. Right now, I think most of us are running a little scared, or a lot scared. Yes, I do have some family members that have not been affected by the economy at all. I do have some friends who aren't in danger of losing their jobs. I do know people that have come into a fair amount of money through inheritances - but I also know those people would no doubt trade that money in a milisecond to have the people back that left it to them.

I feel embarrassed, because I didn't know how bad it is right now for some of my friends. Not that people go around advertising stuff like that. Hey, I will say I've started cutting and USING coupons! I've never done that. But I will still eat - coupons or not. I have made concessions to the fact that I am without full time work, but I am still OK enough to do things like get my hair dyed. I decided to quit doing highlights because I think my hair looks better with one colour, and also, it's cheaper. Every month I get a tiny amount of interest off my savings. I've been living a bit off savings, the interest, the money I make as a sub, and my incredibly generous mother, who helps me every few months. I'm not embarrassed to say that. Without her, I'd be in trouble. She helps me with therapy, with my insanely high health insurance deductible, and with my medical costs - dr. bills and lab bills and pharmacy bills. I try to help my mom in any way I can, and she knows I will be there for her until her dying day. I am eternally grateful to her, but also, let's face it, at my age, I want and need to be totally self-sufficient. But I'm not going to be stupid about it. I need help now, and I take it, even if sometimes I do wish I didn't have to. It's actually not easy to admit this.

I am scared. I thought teaching and education would be a stable field. It's turned out to be anything but for me. The only thing that makes me really angry is when people have a lot of money and don't appreciate it. The same goes for health insurance. You see, when you get an illness at 26, and there are years where you truly couldn't work, you realize how easily your life can change, and NOT for the better. You live in a different world than others your age and you are never the same.

I am very, very lucky that I had a cushion; I had my parents, thank God. But now I see how one truly horrible (i.e. cancer, MS, ALS, etc) illness can wipe you out. I know how expensive it is to get private insurance. It's obscene. I know what it's like now to be uninsurable - for a condition some people STILL believe isn't real. Is that rich or what? Pun totally intended. I see people who have never been sick, have never been without insurance and they act like they are totally immune from anything ever happening to them. I don't live in their world anymore. They don't know what it's like to not be able to work, to be terrified of losing your insurance or not being able one day to pay the huge premiums. Since I 'laid myself off' from that last Job From Hell, I've been scared shitless. I feel like I need to hang onto my insurance forever...because how long do I wait in a job before let it go? What if I'm given that proverbial pink slip? It seems only the shittiest teachers get the tenure for life.

I have a friend who's a teacher who probably brings home $27,000 a year. IN LOS ANGELES. She has no health insurance. She works for a private school that, in my opinion, is totally taking advantage of her. But her only other option was to spend another year sitting on her couch, not working. What's she supposed to do?

Am I supposed to be making a point with this blog? I think I was but now I'm rambling. I guess I just wanted to say I understand all of my friends are in slightly different situations. I do think Americans with money have the right to be prudent with it, but if Americans who ARE very comfortable and secure never start spending again, the economy will stay this way forever. I agree with Sandy on that. I also know a few friends who fear they may not have jobs 6 months from now. I fear for myself on that matter. My brother is in a horrible position, working for a sadistically cruel and insane (I mean that) boss and he's about to crack. He wants to leave his job. But he makes a FORTUNE - especially for the state he lives in. What to do? His wife seems to have really insane job stability, unless there's something I don't know about. I swear a nuclear war could happen and the cockroaches would be crawling around and my sister-in-law would go to her job. A government job - but not all government jobs have this kind of security, so I don't know what the hell it is that makes her job so secure.

And yet I know people for whom food is becoming a luxury. I myself spend an inordinate amount of time trying to spend the least at the supermarket. I am in no danger of starving, but shit, when did food get so expensive? Even CAT food. I am cutting coupons for CAT food. It's too late for me, isn't it? I have become the crazy cat lady.

I heard something on the radio the other day that broke my heart into a million pieces; some people are doing so poorly they can't even keep their animals. They are bringing them to shelters. Those are probably the lucky ones who weren't abandoned when a house was foreclosed on or someone had to leave an apartment and couldn't find anyone to take their cat or dog. Anyone who knows me knows what a total sucker I am for animals. I will cry harder for a sad animal story than I will for anything else.

I think I'll end this now because it didn't quite turn out to be the blog I wanted it to be. I just wanted to say that I don't believe anyone needs to apologize for his/her financial situation. I have friends doing much better than I am, and some doing worse, and some doing about the same. I think this is the scariest time I have ever seen in my life, in terms of the future. I think people like Bernie Madoff should burn in Hell a thousand times over, along with all those other greedy sons-of-bitches on Wall Street. I think I should've done what V is doing so I might actually have a job come September. I think everything I've done is a mistake. I think I don't know what to think anymore. I pretty much despise corporate America and have my entire life. I've always wanted to do something like teach, or be a nurse, or be in some helping profession where you are paid next to nothing for the work you do. Apparently I am an idiot. It sounds soooooooooooo cliched, but I wanted to spend my life making a difference. I didn't want to go to my grave thinking, yeah, I had fancy cars and big TV's and ten computers but essentially I spent all my time working for some fucking lousy corporation I could not give a shit about in the end.

I just realized the title of this blog can be taken two ways. Yes, money matters. And I wish nothing but good fortune and comfort and security for all my friends, wherever you are financially.

The Closing of George Mark Children's House

What can we do
If nothing for the children
Who lay prostrate and dying
Then we do not deserve any piece of
Heaven
for ourselves.

Where can they go
These tiny beings with fragile minds
And broken bodies
Their spirits held together by the four walls
of this place
And dreams of a painless tomorrow

We cannot abandon them, these innocents
Practicalities be damned! Empty out your pockets
the pillows of your heart
For they deserve the ending they want
When life itself handed them the cruelest start.


*George Mark Children's House (http://www.georgemark.org/www/index.htm) is the only free-standing hospice and respite care facility for sick and dying children in the entire United States; due to the economy and a lack of donations, it only has enough money to stay open until June. By contrast, England has over 40 children's hospice centers. If you can, consider donating something, no matter how small. Thanks.

Insomnia

To sleep, perchance to
FUCKING SLEEP!
What does it mean?
What does it feel like
to sleep, perchance to dream
Without taking a Tylenol PM
or to wake up and not scream
when perchance I look at the clock
and again my friend
it is 4am.

No, seriously, I not only switched my AD to the morning I cut it in half. Soon I'll just be snorting the dust out of the bottle, that's how little of this AD I'm taking and also apparently how powerful it is. I've been feeling kind of melancholy lately; wondering if cutting it down really has that fast of a cause and effect on my system or if I'm just feeling the blahs for no real reason. Also, I AM sleeping quite a bit better; I am waking up at the more normal hours of 6 -7 am now. I still have to take something to get to sleep, but it's better.

My weekend was kind of shit thanks to last Friday's time in the fun zone but I'm better now. I called LAUSD yesterday and they said to FAX them my 'incident report' in writing. So I wrote one of my super articulate letters that basically said "Those motherfucking kids at that motherfucking school are motherfucking nuts and I ain't going back no matter what!" Funny, my version sounded so much better. I have yet to hear from them, but I am sure I will have to call THEM to find out if I am allowed to avoid that hellhole.

I'm addicted to wasting time on that stupid Facebook. I RUE THE DAY I got on there, I swear. I'm about to pick my five favorite pieces of lint soon; I can't stop playing their little games and quizzes and picking my five favorites of everything.

This Saturday night I am going to see Bill Maher at the Universal Amphitheater. I don't think it's called that anymore; I think it's called The Gibson Amphitheater - but whatever. I saw Bill once (we ARE on a first name basis thank you) at a very small comedy club in Pasadena and I seriously thought I was having a stroke I laughed so hard. He is brilliant at stand-up and God knows I could use some laughs right now.

I'm getting freaked out that the government keeps bailing out small countries - I mean AIG - and every other bank - right and left. Where are they getting this money? I mean seriously. Are they printing it up at the Treasury? Are they going to run out of ink like I did with my printer last night? Is the dollar going to become totally worthless soon and we'll be taking in wheelbarrows full of money to buy a loaf of bread at the market? What is that inflation? Deflation? Hell, I'm scared of it all.

S thinks her blogs are boring. She's got nothing on me. Here's boring for you: On Saturday my two spoiled rotten cats are going to be 14 years old. No, we're not having a party. Every freakin' day is a party for them. It does make me sad that another year of their little lives has passed. I hope they live to 19 or so. But naturally I want them healthy. I think '14' years? Wow, that went quickly.

I've been watching a LOT of movies lately. Nothing has really impressed me. Oh I did see one film I do highly recommend called "I've Loved You For So Long" with Kristen Scott Thomas (formerly in the English Patient). It's in French and it's a rather somber piece about a woman who's just gotten out of prison after 15 years (I won't tell you why she was in but it's devastating) and it's beautifully acted and written. I love French films. The French don't feel the need to drop giant emotional anvils on you every 30 seconds in their films. I'm considering watching that piece of teenage tripe, "Twilight." Why? I don't know. Sick curiosity. I've all but lost total interest in TV and oddly enough haven't been reading at all. I definitely think that had to do with the AD which made me feel like I had ADHD and I wonder how long I can go in this sentence just using these abbreviations. Seriously, it's like I haven't been able to concentrate on things for very long. I hate thinking something is fucking with my brain chemistry like that.

To end this blog on a totally boring and self-serving note, I had the WORST allergy attack today and my head feels like it's full of lead. I'm going to find some aspirin or climb under the covers.

Thanks

I just wanted to say thank you to all my wonderful friends who read about my hellish day on Friday and who have left me some very kind comments and suggestions. I'm lucky to have you guys and I wanted you to know I never take you for granted. Thanks especially to Thomas, Staci, Sandy - and Holly and Veleska - even though they haven't read about my fun day yet, they are always here for me with encouraging words. I honestly don't know what I'm going to do. I'm just going to try and have faith that things will work out and I will get through these tough times.

Speechless

I apologize for the different fonts and font sizes in this post; blogger is really fucked up and I can't do anything with it now. I truly don't have the words to fully express what happened to me yesterday at work. I will do my best to put it in words; but suffice it to say it was the worst day I've ever had in my life in a classroom. I went to work at a school and had two classes that essentially rioted the entire time I was there. I was afraid for my safety. Emotionally I thought I was going to crack, I was so angry. I called the main office to ask for security or a Dean or someone to get to my bungalow because the kids were totally and completely out of control and had been from the absolute second they walked into the classroom and realized their teacher wasn't there. If you saw what happened in a movie, you wouldn't believe it. You'd think the filmmakers were exaggerating for effect. I swear on my life, here's a sampling of what went on:

They threw history textbooks into a large trash bin
They tore pages out of books and threw them in crumpled balls across the room
They climbed on top of their desks
They opened and shut both the door and the window constantly
They were screaming, laughing and swearing the entire time
They were basically out of their seats the entire time (each class was 1 1/2 hours)
They threw math textbooks across the room
They smashed the math calculators and threw them across the room in pieces
They repeatedly threw pencils into the ceiling and at each other, and me
They stole the referral forms (to the dean) off my desk
They tipped each other over in their desks
They hit, slap and kicked each other and called each other filthy names
They wrote things like "Slut" and "Rape" on the whiteboard
When the first class got out, they walked out screaming "FUCK YOU MS. D! WE HATE YOU MS. D! YOU'RE A MEAN BITCH!"

I had absolutely no control. They walked in at the beginning of class at just went apeshit. I left at lunch and refused to work the last period. I wanted SECURITY to come in and sit with me the entire time. Apparently this school doesn't have any security. These are the most disturbed, fucked up kids I've ever seen. You can see the crazy in their eyes. They fought with me, they defied everything I told them to do, they laughed in my face. The Dean DID ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. She stood IN THE DOORWAY - didn't even come fully into the classroom, for about ten minutes and did NOT SAY A WORD TO ME OR THE STUDENTS.

The minute she left, they started acting like animals again. I have never been so traumatised as I was yesterday. I was shaking as I went to the office. I didn't cry until I got into my car and off the campus. I am still reliving the day in my mind. No matter what I've tried to do today, I can't stop thinking about what happened.

LAUSD has a policy where you can request NOT to be sent to a certain school for jobs - BUT - and this is so rich I can't believe it - you have to be PHYSICALLY INJURED IN AN ACT OF VIOLENCE AT SAID SCHOOL in order to never have to go back to the school. You have to be hurt. Perhaps permanently.

So because I managed to avoid getting a pencil stuck in my eye, or a textbook barely missed my head, I probably don't have a case. Nevertheless, Monday morning I will be calling LAUSD, filing a complaint against the school, and telling them I will never go back there. I am going to call the principal of the school on Monday as well and tell them never to bring me back to that school.

I feel like the last four years of my life have been a total waste. Unless I can get a job in a private school that pays well, I have done everything for naught. You couldn't pay me enough to work in LAUSD permanently. My body hurt so much today and I couldn't figure out why my fibromyalgia was so bad. Duh! I'd just been through hell yesterday. Needless to say, I did not sleep well again last night.

I should feel sorry for these kids but I don't. They are taking up space on the planet. They are waste cases who will do nothing but fill the juvenile and adult prison systems, waste our tax money, get on drugs, deal drugs, fuck and create even more damaged kids, live off welfare and tax the shit out of the mental health system in the county. You truly, truly don't even want to know my worst thoughts about these kids. They belong in a military school with a boot up each one of their asses. I don't think you'd like me very much if you knew what I think should be done with these monsters.

Natasha Richardson, RIP

You know, I am aware that in this world of six + billion people, thousands upon thousands of people die unfair deaths every single day. I'm also aware I live in a celebrity-obsessed culture that often fixates on a celebrity to the exclusion of much more important things.

However. That being said, I am really just devastated by this poor woman's death. I don't even know why. It's not like I was especially into her or her acting. Certainly I knew who she was, and that she came from an acting dynasty. Perhaps it's because we're close in age, and her death seems like a freakish accident that could happen to any of us - and we don't even have to be taking a ski lesson. One small slip in the bathroom...

I haven't had a decent night's sleep in weeks. I'm highly strung out and emotional. Maybe that's it. Some things are happening in my life making me feel highly out of control already. Perhaps seeing someone who is apparently fine and talking one hour and probably dead the next is just a bit disconcerting. Are we all just one little fall from the abyss?

I don't know and I don't even feel like analyzing why I am so saddened over this stranger's death. Was it Stalin that said "One death is a tragedy, a million deaths a statistic"? Perhaps this one death is just easier for me and my Western European-bred, American-raised mind to wrap itself around.

Life sucks. It's unfair. Kids get cancer. People get run over in the street. They die of starvation on a planet with plenty of food and are killed by falling trees and IED's and suicide bombers. They die on the bunny slopes of a ski resort. I know better than to look for fair in this world.

God Bless her sons. To lose a parent at any age is a devastating loss. To lose a parent when you are 12 or 13 years old - I can't imagine it. Especially losing your mother...and God Bless everyone who lost someone yesterday. Not everyone will receive the massive coverage this one woman will. But I know there are many, many hurting people out there.

Happy St. Patrick's Day!!

Just a few updates from my oh so exciting life...for the millions of readers of this blog. ;)

Sarcasm is alive and well today!

I took my last two exams on Saturday and something rather freaky deaky happened. I either aced them both or failed them miserably because I thought they were both waaaaaaay easy. Especially the linguistics one. It was one of those testing situations where you feel totally off kilter - like they're playing a trick on you or something. Paranoid? Me? No. So I'll find out if I passed or failed on April 13th. I am SO looking forward to doing some more Tom Cruise couch jumping. Please God - let it be!

I have been working a lot more. Yesterday I worked at a middle school and - hold onto your hats folks- I had 6 good classes. I mean, really good. The first period was so quiet I wasn't even sure the kids were alive. It was a GOOD day. I think I'm working tomorrow at the same school for some other teacher. And I almost always work Thursdays and Fridays. I'm hoping to make enough money this month to cover my insane rent. Teachers are getting burned out at this time of year. I should know. I almost cracked at the beginning of last April.

I switched taking my AD from taking it at night to taking it in the morning. I think it's helping the insomnia. Night before last I woke up at 3:30 a.m. and never went back to sleep; just went to work, like a zombie. Last night I took one Tylenol PM and slept the whole night - with the TV on - which I never do. When I saw the sun this morning I almost wept.

So I was thinking about my paternal grandmother, Nanny Pat, today. (Yes, we called her Nanny). I always think of her on St. Patrick's Day because her family came here from Ireland. YES! I am part Irish! I'm pretty sure, except for my Dad's grandpa, who came here from Germany at the turn of the 20th century, that almost all my relatives came here from somewhere in the British Isles. I am not doing anything especially Irish today, haha. Going to dinner with me mum tonight, that's all.

I'm actually going to my friend Cheri's school today for a fundraiser and to meet her class of second graders. She pretty much hates second grade but had to take what she got last year. You should hear how she talks about some of the kids! Of course it's no worse than how I talked about my 5th grade class. Teachers are horrible people, privately. Heh. The fundraiser involves IN N OUT burgers, and while I hardly EVER eat beef, I will make an exception for these stunning yummy cheeseburgers. I do feel kind of guilty since I almost meat-free these days. But damn why do some things have to taste so good! I try to just put it out of my mind. Denial can be a wonderful thing. Well, not for the cow.

Oh I just realized I have nothing green to wear. If these second graders try pinching me I am going to kick them like footballs through a field goal post. I told you teachers are secretly horrible people. ;)

I am listening to Pangaea. I really like it. I pray the Church comes here this summer. I am getting more excited at the prospect of possibly seeing them.

Non-sequiter - I just tried to this Frederic Fekkai dry powder that you put in your hair if you don't want to wash it. How weird is that? It's supposed to clean your hair somehow. I doubt it. It'll just look like I dumped some flour in my hair.

Ok, that's about all folks. Sorry I haven't more exciting news to report. I'm just so relieved NOT to have to study all the time. Now I have to start seriously looking for a job - getting the resumes out and stuff. If only I could PAY someone to do this for me. I HATE looking for a job. Although I'm not sure I've ever met anyone who enjoys it. Duh.

Tomorrow is D-Day

At 1:30 p.m. I am set to take my final two English exams. Wish me luck. I'm going to need it this time. And yes, I said 1:30 p.m. They use the same high school for other exams between 8am and 1 p.m. Lucky me - I get to sleep in - if I sleep at all.