MadameBastet-Firing-Neurons

2010-10-12T21:50:00.000-07:00

Deliverance

Pay the piper and
run far and fast with your soul
Hold onto your words
For the story's already been told

We were the promised ones
The legacy of shooting stars
We burned the brightest of all the sons
The city of angels, a trip to the moon, a stopover on Mars

We were the ancients
The ones long deceived
We were the kings and queens
Naive enough to believe

We are the brittle, the tired, the old
We are the outcasts, the murderers, the jokers, the stardust of eons past
We are the bones, broken and cold
We are the nameless, the faceless, the suckers who thought it would last

Pay the ferryman
Your time has come
The years were not your friends
Accept your coming undone

Pay the piper his token
hold tight to your keening soul
the words have already been spoken
so save your sad tales of old.

2010-09-11T08:52:00.000-07:00

The Ruins of September

What great ruins now sleep eternally
on the broken ground of this grey city
Like souls prostrate in mighty grief
In all the world, black disbelief

Human eyes will never again see
the views to Heaven once conceived
in man's own mind
a three pound universe
the same which brought these giants down
tis now the view of Hell unbound

Who were the men, the hands indeed
that set in stone
the hopes, the dreams
birthed by Rome in concrete, stone

Of greatness built to Gods and men
and leveled in seconds by Hell's condemned
A city keens for fallen friends
Yet bent not broken in the final end.

2010-08-20T21:28:00.000-07:00

Groovy Man!

Blogger has these new templates and I really like this one. For now. It just seems so retro and 1960's. I'll probably change my mind about it soon.

Well I've had a whopping two interviews for teaching jobs; one job I didn't get and one I suspect I didn't get but don't know for sure yet. The second job was in a really horrible part of L.A. which just shows you how desperate I AM for a job.

Cheri is still here. Things are still going well. I now have no idea when she's leaving, haha. I'm worried about her though. She's only applied for teaching positions and time is running out. Many schools have already started and the ones that haven't start in the next 2-3 weeks.

I went off the Coumadin about three weeks ago. It's only been three weeks granted, but so far, so good.

I've signed up to substitute teach again - in a different district that L.A. so it's less money but no doubt the kids will be more civilized. The kids in L.A. were monsters and the money they gave you was hazard pay. L.A. isn't hiring for subs anyway.

I got my resume redone by a professional to start look for administrative assistant positions too. I'd encourage Cheri to do the same but she can't even type more than 20 words a minute and knows NOTHING about any computer programs. Yikes.

Anyway, now it's just a matter of finding places that are hiring. I never thought I'd be out of work so long and have such trouble finding a job. Recession my ass. Depression is more like it. At least for some of us.

And on that happy note, that's about it. Wish I had better news.

2010-07-31T10:02:00.001-07:00

Happy Birthday to Me

Today marks one year since I went into the hospital for my embolism. I'm alive!!!!
Yay! Seriously, I'm very, very grateful to be here, considering how serious my condition was.

Also, I saw my cardiologist and he agreed I can stop the Coumadin so tonight will be my last night taking it! Yay again! I can now eat whatever I want, and start taking aspirin, Aleve and whatever else I want again. Also, no more weekly or monthly blood tests. Yes, I now have a greater chance than the average person of having another embolism, but I am off the Pill and will not be taking anymore hormones EVER and I think I'll be OK. There are a lot of dangers to being on blood thinners and I don't want to deal with those anymore.

Cheri is still living with me - it's worked out really well. I've enjoyed having her here quite a bit after being alone so long. She's probably going to stay about a month longer.

I had a JOB INTERVIEW - it was actually for an English teaching position at Malibu High School. I would've only been teaching two classes though. I don't think I got it. I know I didn't get it. Oh well. On to the next challenge! I learned a lot from the interview and I think I'll be better prepared for the questions I'll be asked in my next interview. If there ever is another interview, haha.

I took my Excel computer class again. I understood it much better this time but still, I'm not going to be good at Excel. If I can make and understand the most basic spreadsheet, I will consider that a huge victory. I also took the Word Intermediate class, but I had such a SHITTY instructor I am taking it again as well. (I can take the classes again for free).

That's about all folks. Still going to Curves (although I flaked twice last week - bad girl), still looking for a job. Can't believe it's basically August!

2010-07-01T10:27:00.000-07:00

Update

Wow I haven't written anything in a month of Sundays!

Some new news:

1) My friend Cheri is living with me for a month, starting today. It's a LONG story but anyway, she's here. I helped her move out of her apartment yesterday. Moving is a bitch.

2) Still no job. Took an Excel class. Wow, it's tough. Will be taking another one, as well as two Word classes. I'm not going to be an expert at the computer by any means, but I've got to get better to even get a receptionist's job. That's so sad. I trained so hard to be a teacher; but it's not going to happen. I get rejection letters right and left. Sad.

3) GREAT NEWS on my health front. My hematologist ran some more tests; they are ALL NORMAL. It's very possible I will be off the Coumadin as of August 1st. If so, I can't wait!

4) I have been going to Curves regularly for slightly over a month. Wow, it's making a difference. I've been slowly losing some weight. Still going to OA.

5) No plans for the Fourth of July. As usual, haha. Cheri and I will probably just hang out.

6) I finally broke down and got wireless service in my place so I can move my computer anywhere I want it. AWESOME! It's great.

7) I guess not much else is going on. My balcony is either being eaten up by termites or it has wood rot. This is when I am glad I am a renter. It's not my problem to fix it.

8) Things are good, despite still being out of work. Hope all is well with all of you.

2010-04-30T18:27:00.000-07:00

Ch-ch-ch-changes

I love that song by Bowie.
It pretty much describes my life lately.
Good news -
I finished writing my unit plan for English - it's 70 pages long. Who says I can't write a book? Just do that a couple more times and I'm set, haha.
Better news - I saw a new dr. and I don't have a genetic blood disorder. I had a bad first dr. It was most likely the Pill that caused my problems last summer.
I may get off this drug sooner than I thought.
Best news - I only have two more classes and despite the employment situation
I'm pretty damn happy.

In the last two weeks I've heard from two people from my past - both old friends I haven't talked to in a while. One I haven't talked to in 3 years and one I haven't talked to in 18 years. 18 fuckin' years! The stories behind how I lost touch with these people are long and drawn out. I just drifted away from my friend Heather, the one I hadn't heard from in 18 years. Sadly, Gena and I had a bad, bad, messy fight and that ended our friendship. Although I wish her the best in life, I just don't want to go back.
This is courtesy of Facebook!
Didn't write back to Gena. No hard feelings, I'm just intent on moving forward with my life. I don't want to go back. I have nothing left to say. I apologized to her a long time ago and that's that.
I wrote a brief note back to Heather - we were best best best friends in college.
It's really, really strange to hear from someone after almost two decades.
Thanks, Facebook, haha.

Going to Palm Springs in about 3 weeks. May be going to Atlanta to visit my angel niece Ella.

Things are good.
My brother is going to see the Church tomorrow night. I was blah on seeing them and skipped them. Like I said, changes.

2010-03-12T11:56:00.000-08:00

And in the "Things Just Keep Getting Better Category..."

I just lost my unemployment benefits. Apparently I didn't understand that they were going to run out so soon. I can file an appeal but I'm not really that hopeful.

Waiting for the locusts.

2010-03-09T10:37:00.000-08:00

Clot News

Doesn't the title just sound gross? Well the idiot hematologist I saw called me this past SUNDAY AFTERNOON. Dropped a nice little bomb on me. Seems one of my clotting factors, called Factor viii is still really high. He basically had no answers for me. Doesn't seem to think it was the Yaz birth control pill. He seems to think I have some inherited blood clotting disorder. Why it showed up in me at 42 and has shown up in no one else in my family doesn't seem to concern him.

Needless to say I was, and am, dismayed. Let's face it. I thought this whole thing would be over in 6 mos to a year and I was sure it was the Yaz birth control pill. I still think the Yaz had something to do with it. But my Factor viii shouldn't be high. I have made an appointment with another hematologist for a second set of tests an another opinion. But it looks like I will be on blood thinners for a long, long time. I think I'm going to have to get one of those nifty medical bracelets. Seriously. Luckily they have them so they look pretty fashionable now. But still.

I know, it could be worse. I was living in a big bubble of denial that I could get off this drug. EVERY SINGLE DRUG YOU TAKE - from an antacid to a vitamin to an antidepressant interferes with it. Antibiotics totally screw you up. I have to have my blood tested constantly. And don't get me started on the eating restrictions. NO GREENS!

But what's the alternative? God knows I can't have another clot. I have the appointment with the new doctor on April 1st. How appropriate. I only wish this was all a joke, instead of "Hey you may have an inherited blood clotting disorder!"

On top of all the other fun things going on, it's the icing on the cake.

BTW, I deleted my last post because my brother managed to freak me out that somehow, someway, my professor would see it. There's no way in Hell she could ever find this blog, but he got me so paranoid I just took it off here.

The class is still Hell. I am making out about 300 resumes. I'm not kidding.

2010-01-28T12:05:00.000-08:00

It's About Time!

I update my blog that is. I've been terribly lazy about writing. And now I'm in a class that requires nothing but writing. Help! Speaking of...

I started school last week. I'm taking an English methods class - which is essentially a class teaching me how to teach my students English using the best practices possible. It is going to be a SHITLOAD of work. The professor started the class out by saying "This should be a two semester class." Good news! I'm not so terribly fond of her either; she's a little smug and has some of that professorial arrogance one gets at the PHD and University level. In other words, she thinks she's hot shit. Eh. We'll see. I definitely think the class will be helpful to me - already I'm realizing how much I DO NOT KNOW in terms of teaching English. Help! I have school one night a week and not much else so time should NOT be a problem. I'm grateful for that. Also, my best friend Cheri is in the class too, so that is a big plus.

It's so funny - our whole class is made up of Type A anal-retentive over-achievers and I totally include myself in that category. Already two women have basically been told to zip it by the professor. They just go ON and ON and ON in class, talking as if they're the only ones in the room. It's quite annoying and it stuns me how people can be so clueless to their own inappropriate behavior(s).

However, if I can whinge a bit here...can I just tell you how SICK I am of constantly having to go back to school? I just want a teaching job - that's like being a student all the time anyway - if you're a good teacher that is. And school is so crowded! It took me 20 minutes to get out of the parking garage last night. Oh well. I know if these are my biggest problems in life I should consider myself lucky.

I have sadly totally flaked on the exercise front for the last three weeks. The first week of January I went and then BOOM - extreme inertia and laziness has set in. As such I've only lost a couple of pounds in the last few weeks. I'm still eating really well though. Also still attending my meetings and working the OA program which keeps me on track with my eating. At least I'm not gaining weight.

The Coffee Date: Eh, was a bust. Not that it didn't go well. I met him at Starbucks and we had a perfectly lovely conversation for a little over an hour but there was ZERO attraction on my side and seemingly none on his. He looked really different from his picture too. Hate when that happens. In fact, and I don't know how to say this without sounding mean or judgmental...but I swear I think he had man boobs. Now I'm NO Heidi Klum and I have a few extra pounds on...but man boobs...I just don't know if I'm ready for that yet. ; )

At the moment I am conversing with three other guys. I'm calling one tonight on the phone and have been emailing the other two. As I said, I'm not real fond of doing this stuff, but hey, it's getting me out there and it's the best way for me to meet people right now. I WILL keep y'all posted.

My mom is going to Atlanta on February 11; she'll be there for 2 weeks. My niece has been having some major problems - like constantly throwing up her food and my brother and sister-in-law need help. They are at the end of their proverbial rope. My brother just started a new job and my sister-in-law is running out of time she can take off. My niece has had feeding/eating problems since she was born (as a severe micro-preemie) and is now enrolled in an intense eating/feeding program study at something called the Marcus Institute. I pray they can help her. We also have to get to the bottom of why she keeps spitting up what food she does manage to eat. There are so many issues with my niece. I love her SOOOOOOO much and just want to take them all away. She is the sweetest little girl with a really great personality - and she's had really a tough two years on this planet.

My dad will have been dead for 14 years on February 12th. It's hard to believe. Sometimes he seems so distant - as if I never knew him at all. I feel guilty when I feel that way. Then other times I miss him so much I just cry. I don't cry too much anymore - but still, you never stop missing your parent.

I am seeing the cardiologist this Monday, the 1st, just for a general check-up. The important appointment is on the 26th of February - that's when I see the hematologist and he will start running tests to see if and when I can get off this Coumadin. I really pray I can get off it. The eating restrictions are a bitch and just getting off one more med would be nice. We'll see.

Gosh I feel like this blog has been a real downer; didn't mean it that way. These are just the things going on. Generally I feel pretty good and am glad to have the class to give me more to focus on in terms of my career.

Well, time to go meditate...or try to anyway. Hope everyone is doing as well as can be. I promise to TRY and not be as flaky with my next blog update.

Ciao.

2010-01-06T12:39:00.000-08:00

It's Here!

1. 2010 that is. NOT A NEW DECADE. Whatever. I just hope and pray it's a better year, for myself and others who had a shitty 2009.

2. I have a cat who peed inside MY PURSE and who drinks my Crystal Light out of my glass. Should I kill her? ; )

3. Only lost 10 pounds over the last two months. Have to step up my game. Still going to OA, started going to Curves again this week. Along with the entire rest of the world. It's funny, everyone is back at Curves and OA...gotta start those resolutions. Glad I'm just continuing mine.

4. If all goes well, I will start my English methods class on the 20th of this month. I think I can finally register for it next week. Fingers crossed!

5. At the end of next month I find out if I can go off the Coumadin. I'm going to go through all sorts of blood tests I imagine. I also have a feeling I won't be going off it for at least another 6 months. I just hope and pray they don't keep me on it for life.

6. Trying to be more positive this year, no matter what. I just can't stand the negativity trap I'd fallen into in 2009. Yeah, some shit things happened and I'm no Pollyanna, but God, I've got to get my thoughts straightened out.

7. I saw "The Blind Side." A predictable but very sweet, feel-good movie. I want to see Avatar and Up in the Air next. It was nice actually going to the theater; although every time I DO go to the theater I'm reminded why I stay home to watch movies most of the time. People kicking the back of my chair, talking through the movie, etc. Ugh.

8. I have NO WORDS to express how bitter and angry I am about this fucking nightmare of a health bill. I'm very disappointed in Obama and Congress. Can you say bought and sold?

9. Well, I went and did it! I got back online and am possibly meeting a guy for coffee this coming Monday. I really hate this shit, but I've had it with my nun-like existence as well.

10. I'm so excited - one of my favorite TV shows is coming back - SouthLAnd. Fucking NBC aired like 6 episodes in the spring/summer and then kicked it to the curb. It's a GREAT show. Thankfully TNT picked it up; I hope people watch it so it stays on. Stupid Jay Leno takes up 5 nights of NBC's 10pm programming; I've not watched his show but I hear it isn't very good. It's Jay Leno! He's mediocre at best. But they will never pull the plug on him!

11. Yeah it is kind of sad how excited I am about my TV shows coming back. This is what happens when you have no job and your social life is on life support.

2009-12-30T14:21:00.000-08:00

I Don't Know

This end of the year business is like watching paint dry. Waiting, waiting, waiting. Oh it's dry! Now we can go to bed.

Cynical? Nah, not me!

2009-12-24T05:28:00.000-08:00

Merry Christmas!

Ha! It's my blog and I can say MERRY CHRISTMAS all I want. None of this "Happy Holidays" politically correct shite. And I'm not even that religious. But Merry Christmas anyway.

It's colder than a witch's tit here right now...it's also 5:30 a.m. on Christmas Eve Day.

I'm excited to NOT be traveling this Christmas - although I will miss my niece terribly. I hope my brother videotapes her opening her gifts - or at least takes some pictures. I bought her a talking Elmo (several years ago before I had a niece I had NO IDEA who this Elmo creature was/is) and a Cookie Monster. And I bought her a Snoopy. Good thing she can't read this blog. Hee. I also bought her a Clifford DVD. She seems to have a thing for dogs. Clifford, Snoopy, Blue from Blue's clues.

WHERE ARE THE CATS?

I have stopped exercising for the last 2 1/2 weeks. I went into a fibromyalgia flare so bad I just quit. I've got to get back on the proverbial horse. It's amazing how fast the weight starts to creep back on...boo hoo.

Well there's not much to report really. I just wanted to say Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to all my blog readers. All what - six of you? LOL!

Hope you have a happy HOLIDAY. ; )

2009-12-06T11:59:00.000-08:00

Winter Cleaning and Other Exciting News

1. I'm doing a massive winter cleaning today. My mom has kindly offered the help of her maid. I'm also having the carpet cleaned. One too many hairballs from the cats - gross I know. That's why I'm having it cleaned.

2. I feel like crap today. I've really been exercising a lot harder. I'm back at Curves and every now and again I do this aerobic exercise tape that kicks my butt. I pay for it with the fibromyalgia but I swear it's the only thing that's taking the weight off. Still, it sucks to be in pain and not be able to take my beloved aspirin or Aleve (because of the Coumadin).

3. I am almost done with my Christmas shopping. Well, things are a little tight this year so it's not like I went out and bought out the stores. I even wrapped all the gifts I have. Part of this is due to the fact that we (my mother and I) have to send a lot of these gifts back to Atlanta to my brother, niece and sister-in-law. I did buy some cute stuff for my niece. She is really into Snoopy now. She also still loves Elmo (her first love) and the Cookie Monster from Sesame Street. I bought her those, talking of course, so they will drive my brother and his wife insane after a while, haha. I also bought her some cute clothes and some books for my brother to read to her. My mom bought her an ENTIRE HUGE 1950's diner. It's the kind you can pretend to cook in, and even sit in. So much for Easy Bake Ovens - she's getting a whole diner!

4. I have to go back to the lab tomorrow for another blood test. TEDIOUS! At least I've been getting two weeks off between visits for a while now. However two weeks ago my numbers dropped from a perfect 2.4 to 1.85 for no apparent reason. Coumadin is the MOST annoying drug I've ever been on. I swear if you SNEEZE wrong your numbers can change. Ideally I am always supposed to be between 2-3 and somewhere in the middle is the best. I am about half way through my 6 months on the Coumadin. On February 26th I go back to the hematologist who will take me off it, run as many tests as he can to see if the blood clots were caused by something OTHER than the Pill. Those results will determine if and when and for how long I may go back on the Coumadin. If nothing is wrong with me (for example, I don't have a high Factor 8 clotting mechanism going on) then I may be able to get off it. Unless I fly - then I always have to go back on it. I'm sure you wanted to read ALLLLLLL about my medical history here.

5. Obviously I am taking a break from cleaning right now. The maid is vacuuming. Is that how you spell it? Oh well. I'm too lazy to look it up in the dictionary. The cats are acting like their usual chicken-shit selves and are under the bed, probably frozen in total fear.

6. Still going to OA, about three times a week. It's been so amazing in helping me take this weight off. I know I keep saying that, but I never dreamt anything could be so helpful that ISN'T just another diet.

7. I am hoping (read: praying) to get this English class next semester so I can finish up getting my English credential. This way I can teach middle and high school English. Not that I'm especially hopeful about getting a job here in CA; we are such a fucked up state. It's so discouraging. : ( I'm NOT GIVING UP THOUGH! I want to be a teacher and I don't want to retrain AGAIN.

8. I think the carpet cleaning is about to begin so I'm gonna go. Exciting stuff. What can I say? No job, nothing really exciting going on. I guess that's good. Exciting seems to get me in trouble. I'll say this: I'm not sorry to see 2009 go. The year that tried to kill me! I've just got under a month to get to 2010. Man it feels weird to write that. Ten years from Y2K. Remember that madness?

2009-11-24T13:02:00.000-08:00

Thankful

I know I've probably been driving everyone on Facebook nuts with my gratitude lists (only two more days) but this year I am realizing I really do have a LOT to be grateful for so I thought I'd make one more list.

1. Being alive. Since 1/3 of people who get pulmonary emboli die, almost immediately, I feel very, very lucky to even be alive this Thanksgiving. Thanks to the hospital and doctors and especially the NURSES who worked very hard to not only save my life but keep me stable. I say especially the nurses because they were saints and took great care of me and are so under-appreciated.

2. Unemployment Benefits: Well, it's the first time I've truly been totally out of work in over 10 years and well, thank god for SOME money, right?

3. My mom. What can I say? She's a saint for helping me, encouraging me, being there for me as much as she has been. We disagree on a lot socially and politically but she's the best friend and mother a person could ever hope to have.

4. Meds: Yes, I'm thankful for the drugs that keep me from jumping off a cliff (or at least out of my second story window), and the Ultram that lets me function with the fibro, and the Lyrica and well, Tylenol and everything else that keeps me going from day to day.

5. My beautiful cats: Let people mock me, make fun of me, call me the crazy cat lady but I've been so lucky to have these two gorgeous felines for the last 14 years. They act more like dogs and follow me around the house, greet me at the front door, sleep with me, cuddle with me, comfort me. Animals are one of God's greatest gifts, IMHO.

6. My brother, sister-in-law and niece Ella: Family. Crazy, fighting, loving, wacky family. Can't live without them.

7. OA: I don't have a job now, so OA has kind of been my job. It's not only helped me lose weight, it's really brough me a lot of peace and a little sanity. What else does that for practically free?

8. Friends: Cheri, my friend here in L.A. who is also out of work, has been a Godsend and I mean that in a literal sense. I like to think we help each other get through each day. We are both teachers and both want to be teachers again and I know someday we will be.

Tara: Reconnecting with you has been the highlight of my year. You are wicked smart, funny and make me feel like a million bucks. God gave me another blessing by hooking me back up with you.

Veleska: You are the sweetest, kindest, most caring chick I know. And I know you're going through some tough times now. No one deserves a break more than you. Well, maybe you, me, Staci, haha...I treasure our friendship and still can't wait until the day we actually meet.

Staci: You have been through hell and seem to keep going no matter what. I admire you more than you will ever know. You are one of my heroes. Your friendship means the world to me. I hope in 2010 I can find an excuse to get to Arizona because if you can't come to me, I'd like to come to you and see you again. You rock.

Sandy: You are also one of the kindest, nicest people I know. I'm sorry we missed each other when you were down here for the Church. Your ability to cook, sew, can things, etc. amazes me because I can barely boil water. Oh and you do hair too! I think you are marvelous. Just mahvelous darling. Don't ever change.

Holly: Eek! I'm still waiting for the rest of your Church tour on your blog. You are the St. Francis of Ohio, loving all animals and giving so much of yourself to them. You are also one of my heroes. Why aren't all you people on that CNN Heroes show! It's beyond me. You're smart, funny and do so many nice things for SK - what's not to love about you?

Thomas: Fifteen years! I know I owe you a visit. BIG TIME. You are supremely great. A true Renaissance man. A butcher, a baker, a lawyer...OK, I'm not sure about those first two...but you know I love you and think the world of you. You're witty, charming, smart as a whip, well-read, well-educated, musically talented. You make me sick. No! I'm kidding. I miss you.

9. All the basic but truly important stuff: a comfy bed to sleep in, a sturdy roof over my head, MORE than enough food to eat (been eating less and less of it, yay!), a running car (this baby is going to 200,000 miles!), clothes to wear (getting looser all the time), etc. Without the basics I wouldn't be able to sit around having existential angst. THAT is a luxury - nihilism. Heh.

10. God. It's kind of personal. Yow know how it is.

Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2009-11-09T17:25:00.000-08:00

Delayed Reaction

Wow it's been exactly one month since I blogged. I seem to be going through some kind of existential crisis (don't groan and say "another one?" haha) but my shrink has assured me it's perfectly normal. Move along people, nothing to see here.

Seriously...it has to do with my hospital stay. It's strange. When I got out, I was totally on a high. I was LOVING LIFE. Why not? I'd just CHEATED DEATH. I was euphoric for about a month. Life was good, I was beyond grateful for EVERYTHING and happy as a clam.

Then that feeling started to dissipate. That's when the anxiety started. Every little sensation in my body I took as a sign that a clot was forming; I was going to have another PE. I'd get a headache and think a clot was going to my brain. I'd breathe in and think my lungs were hurting and something was wrong. The anxiety is still here, though it's not as acute. This has lasted about a month too. Needless to say Xanax has been my best friend through this.

Now I'm in some kind of grieving process; some kind of existential "I just stared death in the face and what the fuck have I done with my life" crisis. It's bad. It hurts. I cry all the time for no reason. Well, there is a reason. It's like I FINALLY WOKE UP at age 42 - as if I was in a coma for years!!! I don't know why I'm having all these strange thoughts. I'm thinking, where did the last 20 years go? I'm not doing ANYTHING with my life now - and suddenly I want to LIVE and do EVERYTHING with my life now. Sex, drugs and rock and roll! Well, maybe not the drugs. ; )

I'm on a strange journey. The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing my doctor told me it's normal - and an essay I read by the country music artist Mary Chapin Carpenter. I was reading this book of essays people wrote on what they believe and she wrote one called "I Believe in the Learning Curve of Gratitude."

Mary Chapin Carpenter had the exact same thing happen to her. She had blood clots in her lungs. She went into a state of depression, pain, confusion, gratitude. I could've written the essay. I think it was a Godsend that I read it.

It definitely made me feel not so alone.

I've been in a major fire, held up by a gunman, been in major earthquakes, car accidenets and nothing, nothing has scared me and shaken me to my core like this experience. I know I will come out of this a stronger, better, more compassionate person.

It's just getting through it that sucks!

More later from the trenches...

2009-10-09T18:56:00.000-07:00

This 'N That

1. Today we bombed the moon. Where the hell are our priorities? Don't we have enough to deal with on earth without looking for water on the moon? Did Buzz Aldrin see any water? That should've been good enough. "Looked dry to me."

2.Obama won the Nobel Peace Prize. Translated: We fucking hated Bush/Cheney and their stupid wars so much we're going to bitch slap them by giving this man a prize he doesn't really deserve at this point. We don't care. We really want to say: FUCK THAT LAST ADMINISTRATION.

3.Time to get out of Afghanistan. It's a losing proposition. The Soviets couldn't do it in the early 80's. How much more money are we going to spend and how many more lives are going to be lost trying to overthrow the Taliban? Let that country deal with its own evils.

4. Got my hair done today. Looks fab.

5.From war to my hair - how shallow can I get?

6. I miss everyone's blogs but I guess there's not a lot going on right now.

7. Went to a useless job fair last Monday. Honestly, biggest waste of my time. It was the most poorly organized job fair I've ever been to.

8. Yesterday, shockingly, at 5:45 am the phone rang with a call to substitute. Unfortunately I couldn't do it. I had to go to the lab to give blood and I had a doctor's appointment. I didn't get called today though. I'm still mailing in my unemployment paperwork. I have no idea if I'll be called three times a week, a month, or the whole semester.

9. I want to see that movie Paranormal Activity. I LOVE scary movies. Hate roller coasters, but love to be scared in my own house or the movie theater. It's funny how people like to get their thrills.

10. My a/c broke but finally got fixed. My place is so small that even with the cooler weather I need to turn it on because I'm upstairs and I think the insulation sucks. It gets really stuffy in here.

11. Did I tell y'all I'm having a stress/treadmill test on the 22nd of this month? I'm really nervous about it. Hope I don't keel over.

12. I can't stop touching my awesome hair.

13. I've decided for me, watching the Food Network is akin to watching porn.

14. My blood INR levels were down again. Damn! It's been two months and I can't get regulated permanently on the Coumadin. Now we suspect this Vitamin water I have been drinking might be interfering with the medicine. I LOVE that water. I am crushed I may have to give it up, but Hell, I want my INR levels stabilized. I don't want to mess around with THAT. I am now drinking plain old water. Boo hoo.

15. I should appreciate the fact I have clean water to drink, huh? I do.

16. I'm reading a book by Karen Armstrong called "The Case for God." It's a formidable tome and damn, she starts with the caveman and the paintings at Lascaux, etc. God has changed so much over time. Man's conception of God that is. Fascinating book. Not an easy read though. A little academic.

17. I finally saw the commercial for the car where the Church song "Under the Milky Way" is used. It's so cool! I don't especially like that version of the song, but Hell, it's a Church song on a major car commercial!

18.I haven't been to my meditation class in two weeks. I haven't even meditated in two weeks. Meditation is sooooooooooooooooo hard. I've been purposely avoiding it, I admit it.

19. Gee, I hate to stop at #19, but I'm afraid that's it folks. Hope you're all doing well.

Photo: Our beautiful moon. We wouldn't be anywhere without it.

2009-10-04T16:01:00.000-07:00

Autumn and Other Wonderful Things

Today is the first real day of autumn of us. Don't make fun - yes, there are more fires burning in Southern California, but it's cool, it's crisp, the leaves are falling, the colors are changing and you can just feel it and smell it in the air. It's like a little slice of Heaven for me. I was even able to wear a sweater out - which in the L.A. area is a real treat.

I brought out all my Halloween decorations. My apartment looks ridiculous but I don't care; they make me happy. It looks like a Halloween store exploded in here. Every nice I light a pumpkin spice candle and cozy up on the couch and stare and my ghosties and witches and skulls and goblins. I'm definitely going to carve pumpkins this year. I'll probably take them to my mom's because she lives in a really nice neighborhood and actually gets kids trick or treating.

I'm SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO excited. On October 20th I'm going to Disneyland. I haven't been in a few years. Talk about Halloween - Disneyland really decks the place out in Halloween decorations. The Haunted House is spectacular - it's all done up like Tim Burton's "The Nightmare Before Christmas." I'm not kidding - it's truly a sight to behold.

I guess that's the one good thing about being off work - I can go to Disneyland in the middle of the week.

Tomorrow I'm going to a job fair with my bestie friend Cheri. I went to Kohl's today and bought some really nice clothes. I am continuing to lose weight - of course not as fast as I want to. I've stopped going to Curves for a month; I want to get my blood thinner numbers steady before I go back. I just feel uneasy going back now.

My eating is fabulous though. I used to live on junk food; now I eat so healthy. I'm really amazed and proud of myself. I think God must have something to do with it too because honestly I don't know how I've done it. I'm even cooking real food and I NEVER used to cook.

As long as I'm off work I was thinking of volunteering somewhere. I'm just not sure what I want to do. It definitely would make ME feel better.

I had the longest, strangest dream about Dave Navarro last night. If you don't know who he is, he is an L.A. musician who plays guitar for Jane's Addiction. Don't ask what I ate before I went to bed. Mushrooms I guess.

I'm reading the most fabulous book - seriously, one of the best books I've ever read. It's called "A Million Miles in a Thousand Years." It's kind of really hard to explain. It's about this writer who's decided our lives are just like stories - and what kind of stories are we living? We can change our stories if we want - we can change our lives. It's not really a self-help book but it's helping me to see I can change my life story if I want. My story seems really boring now. I want more meaning in my life. Go to Amazon.com and check this book out. Honestly, it's changed my thinking and I think it will change my life. This book has worked its way into my soul and very few books do that with me anymore.

I don't think I've ever blogged about this, or told any of you this, but about a year ago, last September, I joined Overeaters Anonymous. I used to think it was just a crazy cult for loser fat people, but it's really changing my life. There are fat people there, and really thin people, and all kinds of people. It's totally based on the 12 steps and traditions of AA. I have a sponsor now and I record what I eat and go to meetings and let me tell you, it's one of the best things I ever did. I never saw myself doing something like this. This is another area where I think I just got a kick in the ass from some kind of higher power. It's not just changing what and how I eat, it's changing my whole life.

I honestly think everyone could benefit somewhat from practicing the 12 steps and traditions of the OA/AA/NA culture. So maybe I'm just a loser fat person but I don't think so. I think I'm a pretty motivated person who wanted and needed help and sought it out. And it's working out well for me. I've made some friends too - which is nice.

I'm a little low on friends. I have a friend who I've known for 30 years but she has very little time and I see our friendship dying out. It's kind of sad but maybe it's meant to be. I don't know. The ebb and flow of life, right?

Well, another not-so exciting blog has emanated from my brain. Excitement is good, but sometimes just watching the breeze and listening to the purring of the cat is good too.

2009-10-01T21:03:00.000-07:00

Sorry!

I know I haven't been blogging much; I guess I just haven't been in the mood. As most of you know the weather over the past month was just fuck ass crazy hot! Sorry, that's the best way I know how to describe it. It's still warm but actually starting to cool down.

My complex is full of these beautiful Japanese maple trees that actually DO change color with the seasons. I'm going to start taking pictures of them as they change from green to all the spectacular fall colors. Cooler weather, fog in the mornings, and these trees are really my only sense that fall is here. But it's great - fall is my favorite season, I LOVE ADORE WORSHIP Halloween and plan to get out all my crazy decorations and decorate the breadbox I live it.

There is a small child that eternally lives in me, can you tell?

I filed for unemployment. If you didn't read my link about the substitute teaching - well, they've given the jobs to all the unemployed full time teachers. It makes sense, but it also means I now have absolutely no work. I've never filed for unemployment before. My best friend (who also happens to be a teacher too) also filed. I am awaiting some paperwork from the EDD; they'd better fucking give me the money. I've paid into it, I've busted my ass looking for ANY kind of teaching job and I even applied to a bookstore for some work. I have NO shame in filing for unemployment.

I think I've finally gotten my Coumadin (blood thinner) within its proper range in my body. I've still been going to the lab about once or twice a week which is a pain more ways than one. It's very hard to stabilize the dosage of Coumadin. I get to go one whole week without going to the lab. I also went to the dr. yesterday and found out than when I left the hospital the clots probably hadn't just up and disappeared as I thought they had. It takes time for them to dissipate.

I'm experiencing some extra anxiety over the whole event. Knowing they could still be inside me - I don't know. It's like I was just in la la land for the last month or two.

I know I'm not the only one who hasn't blogged in a while. I know everyone has their reasons, but I do miss my blogging friends and their blogs. Although I know V just blogged. I miss Staci's blog like mad, but understand why she can't sit at the computer for long periods of time. Hell, I miss myself blogging half the time.

I Twitter a fair amount, haha. Not the same, I know.

I bought a book to try and teach myself the basics of Excel. Have I cracked that book open yet? NO! I've been reading a book called "The Haunting of America" about spiritualism, mediums, mystics, witchcraft, magic, voodoo and other seancy-weird stuff that's gone on since the days of the Salem Witch trials in the late 17th century in this country. It's a fascinating history.

I'm still waiting for Oscar-worthy movies to start coming out. We're getting close to that time of year when the 'heavy duty' movies that I normally like come out. I've survived another summer of cinematic trash that's for sure.

Just to be sure you know my stance on this, Roman Polanski is a child rapist and needs to come back and do his fucking time like the pig child rapist he is. There.

My TV watching these days consists of the following: Project Runway, Top Chef, House, The Mentalist, Law and Order SVU, Sons of Anarchy, Intervention and how pathetic is a blog where I list what I'm fucking watching on TV? I haven't gotten into one new show yet.

My half-birthday is on the 27th of this month. I'm thinking of having a half-celebration. Why? I don't know. Cuz you know, it was a tough summer and it's good to fucking be here.

Over and out.

Veteran substitute teachers protest loss of work

2009-09-24T15:04:00.001-07:00

Veteran substitute teachers protest loss of work

Posted using ShareThis

2009-09-22T16:36:00.000-07:00

Autumn in L.A.

The Santa Anas
come howling down
from where and whence
unknown
like the Devil's breath
they bring smoke and death
never a hotter first fall day
has been sown

The leaves they aren't turning
But the hills
they are surely burning
And this really
really
really
sucks.

2009-09-11T04:56:00.000-07:00

The Ruins of September

9/11/01

What great ruins now sleep eternally
on the broken ground of this grey city
Like souls prostrate in mighty grief
In all the world, black disbelief

Human eyes will never again see
the views to Heaven once conceived
in man's own mind
a three pound universe
the same which brought these giants down
tis now the view of Hell unbound

Who were the men, the hands indeed
that set in stone
the hopes, the dreams
birthed by Rome in concrete, stone

Of greatness built to Gods and men
and leveled in seconds by Hell's condemned
A city keens for fallen friends
Yet bent not broken in the final end.

2009-09-03T23:26:00.000-07:00

Honestly

Just some random very honest comments from moi:

1) I hate sports. I really think people who are obsessed with certain sports teams are freaks. I mean REALLY OBSESSED. WTF? How do you personally identify so much with a bunch of people playing a GAME?

2) I especially hate USC. They have a superiority complex for no good reason. No, I'm sure someone can tell me a bunch of good reasons they love themselves SO much, but I still hate them. I find most USC fans I've met personally are rather shallow sosh-types. MOST, not all. I have a friend who went there for college who is now a super rich New Yorker and she is a doll. So not everyone who goes there sucks, haha.

Sports-wise: Also, Michael Vick still makes me sick to my stomach and Brett Favre - do your stuff for two years and RETIRE FOR GOOD!

3) I believe in the right for all people to get married. Yes, this means gay people.

4) I have a hard time with people who take the Bible literally. I am Christian by baptism but a skeptic by heart and soul. Hey, God made me that way, right? I mean, I'm sorry. A Virgin birth? Rising from a grave? My empirical self demands more.

5) I struggle with religion but try to be open about a higher power. I just have no concept what that higher power is really like. I like to explore other belief systems. I don't believe I'm going to Hell if I don't believe Jesus is my ONLY Savior. Sorry. I'm not even sure I believe in Hell. Although when I think of people like Hitler, I hope there's a Hell. Heh.

6) I hate people that text and talk on cell phones when they're with you. I think it's beyond rude. I've had to take a few calls from my mom when I'm with people, but overall, I try really hard not to talk on the cell phone and texting is for 12 year olds.

7) I know who my friends are. My enemies, hmmm, not so clear on that. Should probably pay closer attention.

8) Character is everything. Money, job, career, status, car, house, boat, looks...mean nothing to me if your character is lacking.

9) Eddie Izzard is my new hero for running like 40 marathons for charity. And I'm not kidding about that number.

10) Emotionally closed off people bug the shit out of me. I know, it's a person's perogative to never talk about anything going on in their lives, but I have a hard time having relationships with people who never open up. So I tend to be with pretty open people. :)

11) I hate daylight savings time and think it's bullshit it's still light on Halloween when kids go trick or treating. Although sadly it's probably safer for them. We had it SO SO SO good as kids. We could go out alone, in our nice neighborhoods, in the dark, and not be afraid some sex offender was going to kidnap us.

12) People who pay NO attention to ANY news - ugh. You just come across as clueless and ignorant. Try to stay somewhat updated.

13)I admit, I won't watch local news that much. Listen to it on the radio yes, but I find TV local news to be all about death, murder and sensationalism. Maybe I'm locally clueless. Haha.

14) Love is love is love is love. Between a man and a woman, a woman and a woman, a man and a man and me and my cats. Don't get sick thoughts in your head on that last part. Platonic cat love people! ; Note: BETWEEN CONSENTING ADULTS! None of this NAMBLA sick shit.

15) I don't have the slightest clue how to fix health care. But I know it's fucked up beyond repair now. FUBAR is how I believe they say it in the military. I also believe no one should DIE from lack of health care and NO ONE should have to go BROKE because they've been nailed to the wall by insurance companies and they had the bad luck to get sick.

16) I don't think I could ever work for a health insurance company. I'd hook on the street first. ; )

17) I love my friends without children because they make me feel a little less strange. Didn't Gloria Steinem bust her ass for me to have this choice without people thinking it's odd? I LOVE MY FREEDOM!

18) I really, really, really wish I could get together with Staci, Veleska, Sandy and Holly all at once! I think we'd have a blast. With a lot of liquor of course. :)

19)I try not to regret too much. It is what it is and it was what it was. I did the best I knew at the time. I like that saying. I think I heard it from Maya Angelou. Although I'm paraphrasing.

20) California will always be my home and for that reason I love it, but I hope I get out before I die. L.A. is a cesspool. I just can't figure out where the hell I want to go.

21) My biggest problem with racism, or bigotry or whatever you want to call it, is with the Armenians. I've always admitted that. They took over Glendale, my home town, and by and large, except for a few, they are mean and nasty, isolationist and not friendly. Plus the males tend to drive like maniacs and many don't bathe as often as I might like them to. Ugh.

22)Doctor and lawyer jokes are funny because they're so true.

23) Sometimes I wish I wanted to be something more than a teacher because they aren't really respected (despite the lip service) and make so little money. But I can't seem to get it out of my system.

24) Compassion and helping others - ALL OTHERS - OK even Armenians, haha, isn't that what it's all about?

25) I want to do some grief/bereavement counseling again like I used to. It helped other people and it helped me.

26) One thing I've learned from my experiences in August, life is too precarious and too short to deal with people who are TOO MUCH WORK.

27) I've learned a lot this summer. Life's little lessons. Pay attention.

2009-08-25T23:01:00.000-07:00

Randomness

1. Again, no brilliant title. Stop waiting for one!

2. I hate when blogger makes me sign in. Like it doesn't recognize me half the time. Hee.

3. Well, tonight Ted Kennedy died. End of an era and all that. Man, he didn't even get close to making it as long as his mother Rose did. I think she was 104 when she died. Even Eunice was 88. Whatever your political views, Ted was an imposing figure in the Senate.

***Update for Wednesday: One of my favorite writers ever died today: Dominick Dunne. I met him at a book signing. He was a classy guy. Really nice. Very sad.

4. Now that my mom has turned 70, everyone who dies in their 70's...it kind of freaks me out. HER mom lived to be 94. In fact, today is my maternal grandma's birthday. She would be 96. I don't think any of us will make it to 94.

5. I've been feeling a little down lately about all the stuff that's happened to me over the last month. I'm still glad to be alive - but the reality of what happened and how I am living now on this medicine, getting my blood taken every week, etc. is really sinking in.

6. School has started for some people. Not for me. Yet.

7. I'm afraid of the Swine Flu. Or the H1N1 virus to be politically correct. Being at schools I'm always getting sick anyway. It's freaking me out.

8.I've reconnected with an old friend via Facebook. This time it's really nice. We've been emailing each other. I forgot she is a good 10 years younger than I am. Jealous! LOL!

9.Getting my hair coloured tomorrow. No more gray!

10. The family is coming out Thursday. Just counting the minutes until my niece is in my arms!

11. Speaking of which, I went to Toys R Us to get her something today and honestly that place is a frickin' NIGHTMARE. Definitely qualifies as one of Dante's circles of Hell. The screams alone...."shudder"

12. Going to try and post a picture of the most hideous lamp I've ever seen. I went to the doctor with my mom (for her this time, not for me) and this doctor's office was something straight out of the 70's. I mean, he fucking had SHAG carpeting! His furniture was priceless. I whipped out my iPhone and took pictures of all of it. It's too good not to share.

2009-08-19T14:24:00.001-07:00

Stuff

1. How exciting is THAT title? Stuff!? Sorry kids, it's all I have now.

2. Just went to the dr. All is well. Can exercise. I gained back the stupid fucking measley 5 pounds I lost about a month ago. I feel like I'm going in circles with my weight. I feel like I'm never going to lose this weight. I feel very, very discouraged. Can you tell? I mean, yeah, a few minor, haha, things have gotten in the way of me exercising, but sheesh. I'm so, so tired of being overweight.

3. Everyone told me how great I looked today at the dr.'s office; I must've looked like death last time I went in. I sure felt like it.

4. Got my hair cut yesterday - it's really cute. Maybe that's what everyone was commenting on. Getting it colored next week. I have to get it colored constantly it seems to keep up with the gray.

5. Might be going to Vegas after all in September after my brother leaves.

6. Brother, sister-in-law and adorable, precious niece coming in next Thursday night. I CANNOT WAIT! I cannot wait to smother my niece with hugs and kisses. I love that little girl more than life!

7. Have to take my car to the dealer tomorrow. Don't want to but the damn thing is emitting white smoke when I start it. Also, I have a headlight out and the rear defroster button is broken. My car is almost 11 years old. I want to keep driving it until I hit 200,000 miles. I am at 143,000 now. I'm sure this is going to cost me a fortune.

8. My fucking insurance, Blue Shield PPO, is refusing to pay for the last 2 1/2 days of my hospital stay. I have to file a grievance. I'd like to give them a grievance in the groin. Motherfuckers. Words have no power to express how much I hate health insurance companies. I've given them literally tens of thousands of dollars over the last 16 years in premiums and they're fighting me on my first hospital stay. Well I WILL fight. I will fight them like nobody's business. I am a TAURUS! My motto is: Fuck with the bull and you will get the horns people!

9. I couldn't tell you what Obama's plan is for health insurance for this country if you held a gun to my head. It's not that I don't care, it's that I'm so confused I can't even figure it out. I have a feeling I'm not the only one who's this confused.

10. I have absolutely no idea what's going to happen in terms of work for me. Will I be subbing for LAUSD again? I'm supposed to, but who the hell knows. I sent out about 70 resumes and did not get ONE call or ONE interview. Things are so bad here it's unbelievable. The idea of spending another year subbing makes me want to pluck my eyeballs out, but again, I can't make as much money doing anything else. I'm just acting like Scarlett O'Hara and I keep going "I'll just think about that tomorrow."

11. I am so addicted to Twitter I have almost totally abandoned Facebook. I LOVE TWITTER! It's pathetic the people I follow. Yes, I follow celebrities. Laugh away and mock me! Go ahead.

12. I am experimenting with different Coumandin dosages now (per my doctor's orders) because I can't seem to get to the magic number - the number called an INR (internationalized normal ratio) which is between 2-3. I am only at 1.48 which means my blood is too thick. Needs to be thinned out more.

13. Yesterday I shaved my legs and you would've thought I was doing brain surgery I was so careful. NOT ONE NICK OR CUT! Am I good or what.

14. Words couldn't adequately express how happy I am to be alive but it's strange having to do all these new things. Oh well, small price to pay, right?

Right.

2009-08-09T11:56:00.000-07:00

Ummm...

Well, that was all quite exciting. Not. My dad always told me to never complain that I'm bored. It's true! The Fates are listening and they'll dish out any old kind of 'excitement' for you! LOL! That's all I have to say on THAT.

2009-07-20T14:39:00.000-07:00

HOT HOT HOT!

I know, I've nothing to complain about as I'm not living in Phoenix or Vegas but for us it's hot here. I'm already sick of it. Is summer over yet? I seem to recall someone else asking that. ;)

Went to Curves today after an almost two week break due to illness, etc. Man, it was brutal. You really do have to keep exercising constantly or you lose it.

Have to drive into Burbank for an appointment today. I want to encase my car in ice.

Had lunch yesterday with my bestest of all best friends, Cheri, and her lovely daughter Megan. Megan is 21 and really the sweetest girl. I remember being 21 once. Haha.

The cats are spread out like roadkill - and I've got the A/C cranked. I think they can still sense how brutally hot it is outside.

Starting to PMS. I can tell because I want to eat the world. Getting weighed and measured Wed. at Curves so cannot eat the world. So unfair.

My summer is excruciatingly boring, hence this boring blog. Sorry folks. Perhaps some excitement (GOOD!) will come into my life later. Heh.

2009-07-14T13:34:00.000-07:00

To Hell and Back

I am not exaggerating when I say that this stomach flu I've had has truly been the worse flu I've EVER had. In fact the last time I even HAD the stomach flu was over 20 years ago; I was in COLLEGE.

I don't want to bore you or gross you out but suffice it to say Friday I started feeling sick. I still managed to go to my mom's for dinner, which was good because she ended up taking me to the hospital Saturday night after I'd been throwing up ALLLLLL DAY. People, there was NOTHING TO THROW UP. I could NOT STOP DRY HEAVING! I couldn't even breathe. I also had horrible pain in my stomach. I couldn't rest, and I started getting really scared. I felt like I was going to have a heart attack. Luckily I had stayed with my mom and she drove me the 7 minutes or so to the hospital. I swear we know that friggin' ER TOO WELL! Last year, I kid you not, this very week, my mom went there and had to have an emergency gall bladder surgery. JESUS!

13 years ago I went to that ER for severe food poisoning and 4 years ago my mom had to go in for food poisoning too. I HATE THAT ER!

And let me tell you, the palliative (sp) care I got this time was HORRIBLE. And they weren't even that busy. They were supposed to give me some pain meds for the stomach pain; they didn't. I was so freaked out I did get some Ativan to calm me down, and some anti-nausea medicine and fluids. That's it. They don't even have those flat horrible pillows! I was freezing and they had one thin sheet! 13 years ago I was treated like a princess. I wonder what's happened. Less staff? Shittier management? Cost cutting absolutely.

My mom was so funny. She's like "We're not flying this airline again! No pillows, no blankets...haha." Hell you don't even get that shit on a plane anymore unless you're in first class.

Anyway, I still feel very tired and weak but thank GOD I have been able to eat some and my stomach is better. I swear I am afraid of food now! I am back home and the cats are freaking out because they missed me. Translated: The cats are freaking out because they missed getting their Fancy Feast and had to survive three days on dry kibble and water.

Honestly, I am so sick of getting sick. I would like to go six friggin' months without ONE ILLNESS!

Anyway. That's my story. I tried to spare you the grossest details. I'll be back more later with other comments.

Ciao friends!

2009-07-08T12:55:00.000-07:00

Ouch

1. Fibro pain really, really bad this week. Don't know why. Probably no REASON why. Nothing is helping. I am literally doing nothing today.

2. Please God, let the Michael Jackson shit die down now. He's had two memorial/funeral services. EVERYONE STOP WORSHIPPING THIS SAD DEAD MAN! Move on creeps. Nothing more to see here.

3. I have my first month weigh in at Curves Friday. Great week to have it. I can barely move. I went yesterday and managed to do the whole workout...but the pain the pain! (No Fantasy Island jokes here please)

4. I really detest summer and now we're smack dab in the middle of it. I just thought I'd share that.

5. I bought my mom Bette Midler tickets for her 70th birthday in August. Yes, we're fucking nuts. We're going to Vegas in the middle of August. Apparently we are suckers for cruel, unrelenting heat. I haven't been to Vegas in about 8 years.

6. I have a lot of errands to run but the brakes are on - pain is making me sit around and do NOTHING. Sucks.

7. I have a friend going into well, honestly, rehab tomorrow. I'm a little worried for her. She's basically being forced to do it by her family and it's the kind of rehab where they detox you with drugs. I know she's scared. She um, has a really close, too close, relationship with wine. I've only known my dad to be in rehab; never anyone else.

8. That's about all that's going on here. I'm going to attach a pic of my adorable niece and her dad. It's too cute for words. Ella was really tired when this photo was taken. She has a scary kind of maturity to her as well - sometimes the way she looks - it's like she's an 'old soul.'

2009-07-04T13:54:00.000-07:00

Happy Birthday America

Today is Independence Day, more commonly known to Americans as the 4th of July. I just wanted to take a moment to say thank you to the soldiers who are currently engaged in any way to protect America or fight for freedom for others; especially those in Afghanistan right now.

I also want to say I never take my freedom for granted. America is not a perfect country by far; I have many, many issues with it, its foreign policies with other countries, its corporate whoring ways....I could go on and on. But I do have freedoms so many others in the world do not have and for that I am eternally grateful.

I think of Neda, the young girl shot in Iran, shot and killed for what? Standing outside amongst a group of protesters? I have the right to protest my government without fear of repercussions. I have the freedom to burn the flag, to scream in the streets "I hate the government!" without fear of ending up with a bullet in my chest. I can go where I want, with whom I want. I can travel freely (with a passport of course, haha) and worship whatever god or gods I wish to worship.

I cannot yell "Fire" in a crowded theater without getting in trouble. So I think there are some limits to my freedoms. ; )

But basically I have a great life - the freedom to choose my own path in life (I apparently chose a tough one, ha), the freedom to succeed, to fail, to come and go, to vote or not vote, to believe in God or believe in small green gnomes...you get the idea.

I have these freedoms because of so many people that came before me who fought and often died for their beliefs, their ideals, their values...for my chance to live with the freedoms they only dreamt of.

I have the freedom to end a sentence with a preposition.

God Bless the nameless, faceless Others, who fought, died and won this day for me and so many others.

I am not a particularly patriotic person. But today I am. Because freedom ISN'T free and sometimes it's important we remember that. I know I do, today.

2009-06-29T14:10:00.000-07:00

Back to Reality

Hello kids, I'm back from my vacation in Palm Springs. This was the one we were originally going to take in April. The heat didn't get really bad until the day we left; we were really lucky. I had a FABOO time swimming, getting a massage, going in the 'mineral waters' at the spa, losing about $25 at the casino on slots (damn machines wouldn't give me ANYTHING) and going off my diet and eating too much. Oh well.

I'm back and going to Curves later and back to eating so I will lose weight.

Oh something huge and horrible - a rock or brick flew up at my car on the freeway and just shattered the passenger side of my windshield. THANK GOD I was alone, it didn't penetrate the windshield or hit my side because I would've freaked even more than I did. But the Glass Doctor (I swear that's their name) came to my apt. today and gave me a new windshield for $270. Not bad. So now I have a nice new CLEAR windshield. My other one was a bit beat up as the car is going on 11 years old. I love my car and hope to push it to 200,000 miles. I'm at 142,000 now.

Nothing much else new. I was about to go down for my massage in Palm Springs when I read on Twitter about Michael Jackson. Oddly, I don't feel much about his death. I actually feel kind of bad about that. I just wasn't a fan; although there's no denying he was incredibly gifted. I think he was a very mixed up, sad soul. I feel bad for his kids and family.

I am putting more resumes out; I'm definitely NOT working this summer. I get my last paycheck this Friday. Something's got to give at some point, I swear.

I really don't have much more to say. Seriously, back to reality. I did bills earlier, mailed them, went to the market and am glad it's only 86 degrees here. I'm going to make an appointment to get my eyebrows waxed. I'm telling you, it's really and truly exciting in my life!

2009-06-21T11:36:00.000-07:00

For My Dad

Stream of consciousness Father's Day. So many I never felt anything; I normally don't like these contrived 'holidays' anyway...my Dad's birthday is June 25th...it was always so hard to get him both a Father's Day gift AND a separate birthday gift. Funny I heard something on the radio that would've been perfect for him...oh well, too late.

It's my 14th Father's Day without my Dad and some years were so easy peasy...after 13 years I honestly can go days, weeks without thinking too much about my dad. It's like he was part of a different world; well it was different then, I was only 28 years old...just a pup...when he died and so much has happened in the last 13 years. I often wonder where I'd begin if he could come back and I could tell him the story of my life and of the world - all the amazing and horrible things that have occurred over the last 13 years. Dad, let me tell you what 9/11 means...

Who knows, maybe he knows it all, maybe he knows more than I do...it's a nice thought. I don't know where he is, if he is, I don't even think about it anymore. I obsessed on it for a couple of years after he died...where did he go? WHERE DID HE GO? Then I let it go for the sake of sanity.

My dad was above all, and below all his failings and faults (and Jesus there were many - you know, alcoholic, violent temper, etc. etc.) a good and decent man. He cried when he accidentally ran over a cat once. He loved his cat Tamarin that I gave him, even though she was kind of a bitch. He deserved better. He made me so angry when he let her out and she got knocked up with 5 kittens but I have two of those kittens now...14 year old kittens and how I cherish them and worship them. One of them was his...Fletcher...Fletcher has a crooked tail and I know my dad identified with her the most (yes it's a her - don't ask about the name - long story) because my dad had a bad back. That's like saying we had some minor problems on 9/11. My dad had a hideous back that put him in constant, unrelenting, chronic severe pain every single day from February 16, 1981 until the day he died, February 12, 1996. Fifteen years of agony and I really am glad he's out of it. He deserved a better life than he got but hey, sometimes don't we all?

My dad was generous to a FAULT. Probably the most generous person I've ever met. I think I got that from him and sometimes being too generous will get you into trouble. He spoiled us rotten from the lavish Christmases he gave us to buying me a new car after my Audi's accelerator got stuck on the freeway and almost killed me when I was 22. I remember him at the Nissan dealer, buying me that cherry red Nissan. He was in so much pain. I remember him holding his back. He took too many pills but now that I know chronic pain, I kind of understand.

He was generous with HIMSELF. He was a Renaissance man. He was brilliant and I'm not just saying that because he was my dad. He truly had amazing ideas - problem was he started one thing and never finished and was on to another in no time...he could talk about anything and everything and he did. He loved Classical music and movies and I can't tell you the times I caught him watching the ORIGINAL movie version of The Producers with Zero Mostel and he LOVED it and I think he would've been tickled to see that they took it to Broadway...although maybe not so tickled to see a remake of the movie. He loved Victory at Sea and anything having to do with World War II. He watched TV so much after he hurt his back...he taught me so much about movies, about actors and actresses way before my time. He loved sports and I know I didn't get THAT gene from him, haha, because I basically hate sports but he'd watch anything from hockey to baseball to NASCAR...whatever was on he'd watch it. He LOVED boxing and even when I said "How can you watch two men just pummel the shit out of each other" he kept watching.

He loved art, and history and oh yeah, art history; I think he loved that I was studying it. We talked about artists and paintings and he loved architecture and sailing and woodworking and industrial design and we talked about it all. He watched CNN relentlessly and we sat and talked about news and politics and I am so so so so so grateful for all the time I spent with him before he died. Just talking. Eating, talking, drinking Pepsi.

Oh yeah, forget the vodka, my dad was addicted to PEPSI - he drank so much of it I'm surprised it wasn't flowing through his veins. Towards the last few years of his life I did his grocery shopping for him and I bought so damned much Pepsi. Every time I came over he'd say "Hi Nee Pie, want a Pepsi?" See, Nee Pie was one of his nicknames for me and I can't even type it without tears running down my face because even though sometimes I have a hard time remembering him, remembering his voice, I can always, always, always hear him saying THAT so clearly.

He worked in real estate, both private and commercial, and he was brilliant at making money. But he sucked at keeping it, haha. I unfortunately am not brilliant at making money but I did seem to inherit the 'suck at keeping it' part, although I've gotten much, much better. He made enough though that for many years we lived a very very nice life and I have been taken care of since he died and for that I am eternally grateful. He was a charmer, a natural born salesman. I hate sales. I couldn't sell you anything - even for free.

He talked so much sometimes you wanted to scream, or strangle him, or even yourself. I think it was a nervous tic or something. He really talked and talked and talked. I think he got more talking done in his 53 years than a lot of people do who live until their 90's.

He talked to me about everything. I could call him with any problem and Lord knows I did. I had a lot of issues in my early 20's and he talked to me whenever, wherever. He was there for me in my 20's - he was working too hard at two or three jobs when I was young to be there for me. I understand that now. My mom had two jobs then - mother and father.

He LOVED cars. He had a lot of fancy cars in his life. Two BMW's, two Cadillacs (one of them was a white El Dorado that I called the Pimp Mobile), a Jaguar, a black Alfa Romeo, an Audi...he just loved cars.

He had really white skin - it was the Irish in him and burned so easily. I got his skin. He had skin cancer on his face a few times. This is why I live with sunscreen and have never tried to get a tan. He had the curliest hair; my niece's hair reminds me of my dad's hair. In his later years he had a balding spot. When he drove, he drove about 5 miles an hour, which drove ME nuts, and with his left arm resting on the door, he'd sit and curl one piece of hair until it stood straight out of his head like a corkscrew. It was a riot.

He showed up for all my big events - pain or not. He died three months before I graduated with my M.A. So I guessed he missed that big event.

Speaking of big, he was a BIG MAN. A TALL MAN. He was 6'4" and damn, why didn't I just get a couple more inches from him? He was never really fat at all (and when he did gain weight he could lose it faster than anyone I know) but he was a BIG guy. Very imposing.

He loved animals and was compassionate and had a pretty open mind; he talked about his gay water delivery man and I think if he were alive now he'd vote for gay marriage.

He bought my brother and I our first computers - plus laser printers! He always bought the best for us. He was a slob; between me and his maid it was all we could do to keep his house in order.

He LOVED magazines. He'd read ANY kind of magazine. He read about architecture and oil painting and interior design and sailboats and woodworking and cars and airplanes and the ones I hated the most, guns. He collected guns and that was the biggest point of contention with us - I was against the NRA, he was for it, and I didn't understand his fascination with guns. He never went hunting or shooting for any reason....all the guns were unused. So we clashed over that over and over.

He loved fine dining - and boy did I get that from him! My dad and mom took us to some of the finest restaurants in cities across the U.S. as KIDS...L.A., San Francisco, New York...he truly loved food. He loved fancy food and he loved low down messy food...a good sub sandwich was his idea of heaven. With about three Pepsi's of course.

This was my father. BTW his name is Dennis and I swear my mom insists they didn't name me after him - they never even made the connection. Notice I said his name IS Dennis. Because it IS and he IS still my father and he LIVES in my heart and no matter how much times goes by I will always be his Nee Pie.

2009-06-18T19:07:00.000-07:00

Sanity Already Returning...Slowly

1. Even I had to laugh at my last blog. It was pretty out there and funny.

2. This is your friendly prison warden reminding you that I AM DONE FOR SUMMER!

3. Well at least I think I'm done. There's no summer school and not that many year round schools.

4. I just flirted with a news guy on Twitter (he does the news on one of our biggest talk radio stations) and he added me as a friend on Facebook. I feel like a teenager! Squee! He's really cute and has a sexxxxay voice.

5. How old am I?

6. Glad S is feeling better. Still pissed I can't go to the wedding.

7. Don't let the fact that I haven't talked much about missing the Church show fool you. I feel really sad about it. But frankly, I feel much better physically this week and that takes priority.

8. I feel badly (bad? what the hell kind of English teacher am I going to be?) about the kids who were planning to see the band in Kansas City. Kansas? KC? Who knows. Somewhere in flyover country as we Angelenos like to say.

9. My gay boyfriend Anderson Cooper's airplane was hit by lightning today. God doesn't know who He's messing with here!He needs to stop scaring my Anderson!

10. I have to go to a bank tomorrow and deal with a CD. Interest rates SUCK. I might be lucky enough to get 2.25% on my CD. I remember getting 7% once. Of course I also remember the Carter years...not that I had CD's back then...but still. 11, 12%? Crazeeeee.

11. We are still going to Palm Springs even though it's going to be brutally hot. Fuck it. I've been there in 115 degree weather. I'm getting a massage, going to the movies and gambling with the money I don't have. I'll also swim in the pool at 6am when it's only 95 degrees. Hahahahahaa. Heh. Can you say shitloads of sunscreen and a hat? Plus water and a spray bottle?

12. I heard today LAUSD is laying off 2,000 more workers. They ran out of stimulus money. What, do they fucking burn it as soon as they get it?

13. I am out of cat food. This is a scary prospect as the cats start looking at me funny. Mmmm...hungry.

14. I am super superstitious. I can't stop this blog on #13. Sorry. Deal with my eccentricities people!

2009-06-17T12:46:00.000-07:00

Hey You Idiot Motherfuckers Quit Driving Me Crazy

I am at school now. Today is my last day. Not THE last day, but MY last day. These monkeys are on crack and I've had it for the year. Friday is officially the last day. I ha.te this piece of crap computer I am on. I just thought I'd share all my negativity with you.

I just told the class to quit driving me crazy. I kept the "motherfuckers" part in my head. I think.

There is one kid in here I want to put on a slow boat to China. The entire class is playing with decks of cards. Do I care? They could be having a cockfight and as long as they're not bothering me I do not care.

I have a free period next period. 5th period. Awesome I am going to turn out the lights and take one of my mini naps. Which is kind of uncomfortable at a desk but it beats dealing with these hyenas for another period. So far no one has broke anything, glued anything down, although I'd like to glue this girl's mouth shut. If this kid was my daughter I'd slap her face so hard her head would spin right off her neck.

They are running now. I have to go break some balls.

2009-06-15T15:51:00.000-07:00

Randomness

1. I didn't work today. Frankly after last week, I needed today. Friday is the last day of school. I think the kids will be worse than howler monkeys at that point. Wish I had a tranquilizer gun. Uh oh, shouldn't say gun!

2. Am going to Curves in less than an hour. I'm working up a sweat just thinking about it.

3. Ok, this June gloom is making me want to slit my wrists. BUT I say that with a caveat: it has to hang on through next week. Why? Because I think we're going to make another stab at going to Palm Springs. If June gloom hangs around, PS won't be 115 degrees.

4. I really, really, really want to get out of here for a while.

5. My cryptic comment of the day: No matter what some people do, they inevitably make you feel like shit. (Don't worry loyal blog readers, this has nothing to do with you!)

5. I'm totally bummed I'm going to miss S's wedding. :(

6. The great thing about working out is that it's OK to look like shit.

7. My cat Fletcher LOVES to sit by the power cords and the surge protector under my desk. WTF? I keep kicking her out but she always goes back. Weird.

8. Catz says I have lots to say - not this time! I can't even get to 10!

*9. Update: I just got home from my workout at Curves! I feel great! However, I will be glad to get my third workout done; they require someone to be 'teaching' you the proper way to use the machines, etc. the first three workouts and I'd like to start working out on my own. But wow, I wish I'd joined sooner. Ya'll should see how red my face is though, haha.

2009-06-14T12:49:00.000-07:00

A Really Bad Week

1. I had the hardest classes this week and am totally exhausted. Someone broke the door knobs off one of the doors; another kid actually stole one of the door knobs.

2. Another genius decided to pour white glue all over the remaining door's door knobs, counter, floor and carpet near the door. It took me forever to get it cleaned up.

3. I had my first session at Curves and it was really tough. My fibromyalgia has been really, really bad this week and I was more wiped out than I thought I would be. I am SO out of shape it's sad. But I'm going back tomorrow.

4.This is going to come as a shock to some people, but I didn't make it to the Church show. Thursday was a nightmare day. I woke up at 4 am, never went back to sleep, had the class from hell, went to get my hair done, and was in MASSIVE PAIN. I decided I just couldn't go to the concert. I'm sorry to disappoint those who were waiting for a review and you may think I'm nuts but when I get in this kind of pain I can't push myself or I will pay for it. My health comes first now. After 15 years of pushing and pushing, I have finally learned sometimes I can't do things. There was no way I could make a 3 hour round trip to stand in a club in pain and see the band.

5. Yes, I was kind of disappointed. But not as much as I would've been had I forced myself to get in more pain. Sorry kids.

6. I saw The Hangover last night. Funny, but really crude. Maybe a little crude for me.

7. I feel like death warmed over today. This is the last week of school. As much as I don't relish living on savings for two months, I also can't wait to get away from these monster kids.

8. Some woman who works at the school I was at this week came up behind me and said "You're my hero. After everything you've been through, you still show up. You're not going to let these kids beat you." I said, no I'm just glutton for punishment. But in a way she is right. I refuse to be cow -towed by a bunch of immigrant kids who don't even appreciate or want the education we are giving them FOR FREE. Sorry if I sound racist. But I am sick of them mocking the flag, mocking the flag salute and bitching about the teachers and school. Why don't they fucking quit. I'm not some jingoistic patriot. I actually don't like saying the flag salute. But I do it. I respect the freedoms I have and the things I get that other countries would never give me.

9. I also need the paycheck desperately. You all know that.

10.This is really gross, but I think my cat Zoe has acne on her chin. My other cat Fletcher had it and it went away. It's nasty. I hope this just goes away and I don't have to take her to the vet. Ick.

11. I am still eating well, SLOWLY SLOWLY losing weight. I am anxious to go back to Curves but also, anxious it will make the fibro flare up. But I will do ANYTHING to get this weight off.

12. Sorry for the disappointing news and bummer blog. That's the way it is though and it sucks but I just have to ride it out until I feel better.

2009-06-09T11:16:00.000-07:00

FUCK YOU BLOGGER!

Blogger just erased my whole blog. I'm not retyping now. Will type again later.

Damn you!

2009-06-05T12:59:00.000-07:00

Nice

Am at work again. At the "good" school. Was feeling OK until I read Catz's blog. Wow, what a way to call someone out on something. Instead of writing me a private email asking me not to call her at night, she makes my name the title of her blog and lets everyone know how irritated with me she is. So yeah, I'm feeling like shit now; who wouldn't? I don't know what I did that was so bad I should be publicly chastised on a blog. I was trying to be a friend; I wasn't calling at midnight and didn't know it was such a terrible time to call. I know things are hellish right now for her - hence my worry and my call. I'm sorry I was a bother. Fuck it.

I must be a real fuck-up if I can't even be a friend correctly to someone. If there's a problem with me, I always want to hear about it. I just don't feel I need to be chastised like a child in front of other blog readers.

Just my opinion. Don't worry, I WILL NOT make the mistake of calling again, at any time.

2009-06-03T13:09:00.000-07:00

Back in the Trenches

I am writing this on an old eMac at a school on my lunch hour so I don't know how it's going to look. The format of blogger different on here for some reason.

Well anyway, I am NOT back at the school where the bitch stole my phone. And my iPhone isn't with me anymore. I have an old phone with another number I have brought with me and I put my purse in a drawer. This may not solve everything but it's better than having my iPhone here.

I am at probably the best middle school there is in my area to work at. I just couldn't up and quit; what with my mom loaning me money, etc. I feel obligated to work and contribute somehow until I can figure something else out. School is out on June 19th; I don't if or how much I'll work after that.

So yeah, the Dean at the school where the bitch stole my phone is pretty much a miracle worker and a pro at getting things back. He basically shook down the whole class and made them rat out who did it. I think she probably confessed in the end. I don't know what's going to happen to her. I think she'll be suspended. Being a thief - she should get in trouble with the cops. But I'm sure they didn't throw her to the cops.

I didn't think I'd work this morning. I was sitting in bed at 8:30 a.m. when the phone rang - that's considered a really late call, as they usually call around 5:30 a.m.

I don't know what I'm going to do, but I"m trying to be calm, not panic and just think, meditate and pray on it for now.

OH hell lunch is over already. This is the most boring blog ever. Apologies.

2009-06-02T14:27:00.000-07:00

Quick Update

They got my phone back. The bitch who took it erased all my contacts and pictures and took the case it was in, BUT I HAVE IT BACK! It's a miracle. More later.

2009-06-02T06:35:00.000-07:00

My Life in Ruins

Yesterday in 5th period all hell broke loose. Some fucking scumbag stole my iPhone out of my purse when I was IN the room. Brazen fuck. I'm sure they're really impressed with themselves. The class was wild. I had to call three security officers.

I'm going to quit. I can't do this anymore. Last week they stole my water bottle. A fucking water bottle. I'm going to get hurt if I continue on this path.

Or I'm going to hurt someone else. With a baseball bat. To the head.

If you think I'm being harsh, you haven't spent any time with these sociopathic criminals. I will refrain from saying what I really want to say hence I offend anyone with my comments. But I could not care less if these shitheads got struck by lightning.

It's NOT the iPhone that has me so upset. I have to go file a police report today. It sucks. It's a hassle. But I can and WILL get another one and I am going to do my best to see that LAUSD risk management reimburses me for at least part of it.

I feel violated. I feel unsafe. I feel like God is telling me I am going in the wrong direction. I can't do this anymore. And yet what will I do to make money? All I have is experience teaching - for the last 10 years that's all I've done.

I know this isn't open heart surgery and I say this with ALL seriousness. But I have been so unhappy for so long and I just want to go in a new direction with my life. I don't even know where to begin.

I get to see the little thieves later today after I file the police report. Yesterday AT & T did a GPS tracking on my phone; sure enough, it was exactly where I thought it would be - near the school. While I was 45 miles away.

These kids have pathetic lives. I hope the phone makes the kid happy. Naturally I cut off all service to it and killed the SIM card inside it. But I'm sure these crafty criminals know how to fire it up again.

They threw pencils at me yesterday and basically ran around like animals. They ARE animals. Actually, I love animals and that's an insult to them.

They're bottom feeders with no place in society.

No place in society - kind of how I feel right now.

P.S. The good news in all this is that before I got control of my eating, this would've sent me on a HUGE binge. At first I almost started to think, I want to eat...and then I realized how much weight I've lost, or rather how good I feel now...and I thought do you really want to make this worse TOO? Over some scumbag gangbanger kid? So I ate a regular dinner and went to bed. I'm really proud of myself. I still probably have 20-30 pounds to lose so I am NOT thin yet....but I am a helluva lot thinner that I was a month ago.

2009-05-30T21:53:00.000-07:00

Not Functioning at 100% - More Like 5%

Haha. What happens when twice in one month you forget to take your Pill? Well, if you're having sex, you might get pregnant. But since that isn't an issue for me, something else happens. Your cycle gets really fucked up and let me just say that having INTENSE PMS while you're having your period is just oh so fun.

Sorry if this is TMI people, but it's what's going on. I'm crying, I miss my dad, I miss my grandmas, my grandpa, my sanity. Summer school has been cancelled and I'm worrying about money for this summer like crazy. People are sending back my resumes. I'm ready to throw in the towel on teaching. Maybe I should do what Veleska is doing.

In short, I'm a basket case now. My fibromyalgia is also acting up big time.

The only good news is I've lost a little more weight. I don't have a secret. I'm eating very few carbs, a lot of salads and probably turning slightly green. I've cut my caloric intake down quite a bit. Still haven't started exercising though. Eating much more healthy. Which is good because after what's happened to D, I am terrified for my poor heart and arteries. All those years of abuse...food abuse that is. At least I didn't/don't smoke and rarely drink. Although maybe I should start drinking. My BP has always been low too, which is good I guess.

Am working Monday; some teacher caught me leaving Friday and asked me to work for her. I think I must look trustworthy or something. A lot of teachers have been requesting me lately. The saddest thing is I know I'd be a very good teacher; the economy is just so bad there's NOTHING out there now. I feel like a broken record; like all my blogs are the same.

I'm really happy for S and D and the news that perhaps soon they shall be ONE....haha. Seriously, what wonderful news. :D

At least there's that! Because I've got hormones running amuck in me making me feel like it's all so worthless.

When is it my turn? When do I get to meet someone wonderful? I know, I know, I have to 'get out there." When someone can figure out where OUT is, I'll go there.

School is out on the 19th. I don't know how much I'll work - some schools run all year - through the summer, so I might work a little. Who knows and who cares.

I'm so ready to delete this blog. This is the ugly, sad, self-pitying part of me. Not pretty huh?

2009-05-27T14:34:00.000-07:00

More Randomness

1. I don't know why but I woke up in a good mood today. Probably because 1)I slept last night and 2) the stupid phone didn't ring at 5:30a.m. waking me up with a work call. I really need the money but for once it was nice to NOT have that damned phone ringing.

2. I have had the new Church album for a while and now I LOVE IT. LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE!!!!!!!!!!!!! Especially the song "Operetta." It took me several listens to warm up to the whole album but now I think it's beautiful.

3. I am having trouble getting used to these new computer keys on my new computer. I am making far too many typos. I am also being redundant.

4. I have lost even more weight. I don't know how much; my scale is broken. But I see myself and I can tell and my clothes are actually getting looser. I still have about a thousand pounds to go, but I think I finally have some control over my eating. It feels really good.

5. On that note, I am going to check out Curves. I know Veleska went and I know I need to start moving to facilitate more weight loss.

6. I've sent out 20 more resumes. I can just hear the people laughing when they receive them, but I have to do something.

7. I'm very sad and distressed by S's news of D. I'm sure the procedure will go fine, but I really want him to change his habits so he will be here a long time. Who else will remind me that there are good, decent men out there?

8. I found 8 pennies at the gas station today. I'm sure we've all dropped the occasional penny, but sheesh - 8? I know it's nothing really, but I picked them up. I'm trying to decide how to invest them. ; )

9. I wanted to take an Excel class at the local community college and then I found out the class started today and is during the DAY. Hello, people do WORK you know. Why don't you have this class at night idiots! Now I don't know where to find an Excel class.

10. This blog is pretty damned boring. I will end it with another cryptic comment: When you use me as an afterthought, I will burn you and disappear.

2009-05-26T08:14:00.000-07:00

Random Stuff

1. My grandfather died - MAY 14th! His bastard son (and he is a bastard) never bothered to call us. There was a burial, but no funeral. Once again, I feel robbed of the chance to say goodbye. I guess I'll go to the cemetery myself.

2. I woke up at 3:30 a.m. again this morning. I haven't done that in a while. THANK GOD I'm not working today because honestly you are just beat by the time you get to work when you wake up that early.

3. I'm helping a friend move next weekend. The true test of friendship! Haha!

4. I'm sending out resumes like a fool, knowing there are no jobs out there. But what else can I do?

5. Watch out kids, I'm PMSing again. Yes it's that time of month again. Today I feel weepy, sleepy and sneezy. And I'm not even at Disneyland.

6. Not that I'm complaining but the Memorial Day weekend seemed really long.

7. I finally have my new computer. I'm deeply, madly in love with it. I've even managed to get almost everything off my old computer and onto this one without any help. I'm not really technologically savvy you see.

8. I admit it, I'm on Twitter. So sue me.

9. I so want to go back to sleep - it's been 5 hours since I've been up but I can't seem to get there.

10. When you have nothing, you have nothing to lose. I know what this means, it's my own little message to myself.

11. I promise to try to blog something more exciting next time. Maybe I'll rob a bank.

2009-05-26T07:51:00.000-07:00

Transitions

If you don't know who you are
Then you never were much to me anyway
If you don't know you're fading fast
I wonder how long you thought this would last

You've extricated yourself from my life
With busyness and business and other such excuses
And certainly you must know a rose untended to
Will die on the vine

I wish there was something more than history
To fill my memories
To remind me of why I even bother trying
This may indeed be our last hurrah

But it doesn't feel very festive to me
A death is a death by any name
And for you my dear, I no longer feel the same

And not with a bang but with a whimper
Will this - what? relationship? breathes its last
Don't worry my dear
We'll always have the past.

2009-05-16T09:17:00.000-07:00

Atlanta, etc.

Well, let's see...where to begin. We left for Atlanta on Friday morning the 8th. We were going specifically for Mother's Day, as my sister-in-law just lost her mother suddenly last October and is understandably having a lot of grief. Anyway, I've already talked about the reappearance of my insane fear of flying. Even with Xanax, I've been especially nervous on the last few flights I've taken. Let Dr. Freud figure out. Also, coming home sick on a plane is truly one of the lousiest experiences you can have when traveling. Especially sitting in economy class - I mean, the sardine section. I'm sure it has to do with issues of being out of control, blah blah blah. But I also fear the plane just falling out of the sky and me screaming for 30,000 feet. Eh. Hopefully I'll go back to my more philosophical, Zen-like way of flying in the future.

The trip was fine until I got sick on Tuesday. We ALL got sick to one degree or another. My poor niece Ella had one of the worst head colds I've seen in a toddler. She was just dripping all over - sorry to be so graphic. Her face made you feel miserable just looking at it! But aside from napping a little more, she was her usual happy, cheerful self, playing with us, watching Sesame Street, and worshipping her God, Elmo. She really is one of the happiest, good-natured children I've met; after all she's been through, she's really quite the chipper one. Anyway, then her mother Mary got sick, and her father (my brother), then me, then my mom. And as we alllllll know by now, when I get a cold, I get slammed and also get a sinus infection. Let's just saying landing at LAX gave new meaning to the words "ear pain."

Because of Ella - then the rest of us - we mostly hung out, went out to dinner, visited a cute town called Roswell, GA and then we flew home Wednesday morning. The coolest thing was my mom got fed up with the stupid airport shuttles and hired a private car to take us to and from the airport. THAT was sweet. I could seriously get used to that treatment. I stayed at my mom's on Thursday night, picked up the cats on Friday and oh yeah, went to the doctor Friday morning.

I called and pretty much said "I HAVE TO SEE THE DOCTOR NOW!" I knew I needed the dreaded Levaquin antibiotics. My dr. (whom I've known for 7 years) told me for the first time yesterday that he used to have sinus infections for 6-7 months out of the year. He is better now, but insisted I see an allergist. He was telling me how he takes such good care of his nose. I wish I could take my nose off at night and place it on a velvet fucking pillow like a crown, you know? So I'm making an appointment on Monday because you know, I JUST CANNOT GO ONE FREAKIN' MONTH WIHTOUT MAKING AN APPOINTMENT WITH SOME KIND OF DOCTOR!

I know, believe me, I know, this could be worse. Sinus problems fall into the category of highly annoying, not highly dangerous.

Oh but let's rewind and talk about those two feline bitches I have. Sadly, when I board them, for whatever reason, the vet insists on placing them in separate cages. So when they get out, they are all pissed at each other, smelling different odors and scents and treating each other like strangers. I always take them to the vet in one giant carrier (why I don't have bigger arm muscles just from carrying that occasionally is beyond me.) Usually they'll go home in one carrier, but fight like cats and dogs. Hahaha. Not funny. This time Fletcher REFUSED to get into the carrier with Zoe. So the vet was kind enough to loan me a tiny carrier for Fletcher. So I drive home, almost an hour's drive, with these two cats, and Zoe is just HOWLING the entire time. I thought about pulling over on the freeway and tossing her carrier out the door. Every now and again Fletcher would let out a low "MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW" just to make it sound like stereo in the car. Zoe was making these gutteral noises with her throat that really belonged in "The Exorcist: Feline Demons" or something. Bitches! Did not! make my! day! any! easier!

So after dumping them at home I went to get my Rx filled so I can fill my body with more antibiotics. Such crap! Zoe walked around and cried all night last night and I was reminded once again, how lucky I am to be childless.

This is the extent of my exciting life. I have used up all my absences with regards to subbing, so come Monday, I work or....or....I don't know what'll happen. Hell, there's less than a month of school left anyway. I've decided no matter what it is, I have to get a full-time job come Sept. because subbing is just not cutting it, money wise. Plus I hate it. BUT in this economy who knows what kind of job I will, or can, get it. I hate the not knowing, the uncertainty. I am trying to tell myself that someday I will have my classroom and be able to teach like I want to. And never end sentences with prepositions. In other words, I'm trying to be positive. As S so astutely noted, people keep having kids, so they've got to have teachers.

Right know, who knows. That is what my life is like - a big giant WHO KNOWS!

2009-05-14T14:31:00.000-07:00

Back

I'm back from Atlanta but have a nasty cold - Ella (my niece) was sick when we got there, as was my sister-in-law (I think) and we all ended up getting sick. I usually get the worst cold - who knows why. I will blog about the trip later. I feel drained and have nooooooooo energy today. Also I'm having extreme flying fears lately and I don't know why. I'd gotten sooooooooo good at flying, even after our engine blew out over the Pacific when coming back from Hawai'i 13 years ago. There is always a tremendous amount of turbulence flying from Atlanta to L.A. - why? Going against the wind? Who knows....but I was so nervous the entire flight yesterday I think I expended enough energy to light an entire town. I was holding armrest so tightly I thought I broke my hand. Ugh.

Anyway, when I have some more energy I'll fill y'all in on in on things....

2009-05-05T09:09:00.000-07:00

Stuck

Oh yeah, that was definitely my hormones speaking in my last blog. Let's just say things have moved along and mentally I feel much better. No longer feel homicidal urges.

I haven't worked in forever. I took a week off, because we were going to Palm Springs and I'd already taken it off and I wanted to see how this flu would pan out (a lot of media hsyteria), and now I'm not working because they're doing state testing this week and teachers MUST be at school to administer these tests. I remember doing it last year. It's all part of No Child Left Behind. Then I'm taking a week off starting tomorrow because Friday morning we're leaving for Atlanta. Tomorrow the cats ARE going into the brink. Extreme sadness ensues. It's going to be a fight getting them into the carrier. That's always fun. Scratches for me and wailing and crying for them.

So Friday morning we're a-leaving on a jet plane! A flu-mobile. Haha. Kidding. I'm so excited because I get to see my crazy niece. I miss her sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much. She apparently has changed a LOT since Christmas. And I was so sick at Christmas I barely interacted with her.

I am still suffering from a major case of inertia. I am stuck. I can't seem to put any resumes out because frankly I don't think there's going to be any teaching jobs available, and well, I'm just STUCK. I have learned helplessness. Sometimes I think subconsciously I've had so many bad teaching experiences in the last three years I don't even want to teach anymore. But what else am I qualified to do? And what jobs are available in this economy? Nada! I'm stuck in almost every area of my life. It sucks. If anyone has any advice how to get unstuck I'd love to hear it. I actually bought a book called "Stuck: Why We Can't (or Won't) Move On" and hell, I've been too stuck to even read it. I just pulled it off my bookshelf. Dust off the dust jacket and it's time to read it.

I loooooooooooooooooove my new iPhone. It does everything - except get me unstuck. Oh - the one thing it doesn't do - voice activation. I'm stunned. HELLO APPLE? You're a bunch of fucking morons for neglecting this ONE feature. It was soooooooooooooooooooooooooooo easy to use my Bluetooth on the road with my Razr phone and just touch my ear and say "Call Steven at home" and my phone would dial it for me. But does the iPhone have this incredible safety feature? NO! Apple thinks of EVERYTHING and really, oddly enough, the phone is the weakest link in the iPhone. What a bunch of morons. In July Apple is offering several new free updates to the iPhone and I'm praying voice-activated dialing is one of them. I can't be looking up a number to dial while speeding down the freeway. Idiots. It's so obvious it's almost like they excluded it on purpose.

I'm also looking forward to going away because on vacation your reality is totally suspended and you don't have to face anything. I need to start packing because well, it takes me a few days to get my packing shit together. I'm not only stuck, I do everything in slow motion. I should've had some kids. They'd get me going, haha. My life is technically 1/2 over and where the hell am I? Where am I going? Nowhere fast, as they say.

My foot is much better but not 100%. I'd say another few weeks and hopefully it will be close to 100%. It's been a little over a month since I took a header over the bench and smashed my foot into the concrete wall of the bench. Ouch.

Well this may be my most boring blog ever. Blame it on me being stuck.

Photo: My niece Ella, making one of the craziest faces I've ever seen on a toddler.

2009-05-01T13:22:00.000-07:00

Beyond Cranky

I am in such a bad mood right now; words cannot convey it. A lot of it STILL has to do with my PMS. Ever since I started taking this Yaz birth control it seems my PMS is better but NOT THIS MONTH! I want heads on a stick! I want to kill! I want to scream! I can't really pinpoint exactly what's wrong so that's why I think it's hormonal.

Big plans for the weekend. My cousin and I are supposed to go visit my grandpa tomorrow. He is in a convalescent home; I feel really badly for him. He is 95 going on 96 years old and basically just sitting and waiting to die. Is there anything worse?

Sunday I am helping Jill with her garage sale. She is selling almost all her grandma's stuff. FUN TIMES AHEAD!

I've done nothing with my week. Even my iPhone isn't doing it for me anymore. THAT was fast, huh? No wonder kids need new toys about every three seconds. Fuck Fuck fuck fuck fuck!

FUCK!

2009-04-27T13:24:00.000-07:00

Concerned, But Not Alarmed

When the President starts parsing adjectives over a possible flu epidemic/pandemic I start to wonder....

Anyway, the bad, sad, mad, crazy news is that I am NOT in Palm Springs and won't be going this week. All things were just not working in our favor. My foot hurts more today - a lot of walking was out. The weather is too cool - not cooperating at all. No pool. Other problems involved a head cold, an infected eye and PMS. I will take responsibility for the foot and the PMS. Haha. So we've postponed the trip. The good news is I'm not working today, nor tomorrow, as I hardly ever, ever work on Tuesdays. The obvious news is I turn 42 today and how do I feel about this? Bleh. Blah. Blah blah blippity blah.

If it was up to my mom, I'd never go back to work, because she has surpassed both concerned and alarmed and has gone into mild hysteria over the flu. She tends to work herself up pretty easily about these things.

So I wake up early this morning and my fridge gives me an early morning b-day gift. It starts making a crackling noise; then I smell something burning. It only took two hours for the dimwits in maintenance to get to my apartment and look at it. Turns out there were about 2,000 dust bunnies under and behind the fridge; they vacuumed it out (yes I'm a lousy housekeeper for not moving the fridge for months and months) and looked it over and declared that dust/dirt/whatever probably got near something hot. There is no more burning smell but the damn thing has been clicking all morning. I ASKED dimwit maintenance man why it was clicking but did he know? Hell no! He just said if the temperature changed to call them. Hell, I see a new fridge in my future. The freezer seems less freezing than it should. They'll be back - no doubt in a few days. If I call them again now, maybe I'll be lucky enough to get them back here by Wednesday.

So happy birthday to me! Being an adult sucks! I want to be a kid again when all I had to do was look forward to my awesome cake and gifts! And pin the tail on the Democrat! I mean, donkey.
My sweet mom is actually making me a cake; that's pretty cool of her. Not that I need cake. I've lost weight and want to keep losing but hey, a person has to have some cake on his/her b-day, right?

Thomas, your quips and quotes and prose and poems have been cracking me up on Facebook. You're quite the wit lately.

S, I haven't commented yet on today's blog, but I love the title. SNAP! Bad mood for no reason! That should be my middle name. I'm actually thinking of changing my middle name to 'misanthrope.' Or just 'bitch.' Also, chronic pain is, as you know, just infamous for creating bad moods and they ARE there for a reason: you are in PAIN! In a way, after 15 years I have to be used to it, but then again, I'm not. I think I've got some crazy ass hope stuck in my head that one morning I'll just wake up FREE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'll let you forks know if/when this happens. In the meantime, I continue to feel bad S, that you are suffering, and I want the chiro to speed things up for you! (And yes Sandy, forks = food = something I think about too often.)

The cats have no idea how close they came to going into the brink today. They're just lying on the bed, snoozing away, oblivious as usual. My goal is to find a pet sitter before the postponed trip so I won't have to put them in isolation in cold, dark, dank cells! It's like GITMO FOR CATS! They don't even get a prayer mat.

Well I haven't been on Facebook in about 27 seconds, so time to check for updates. The iPhone cometh sometime this week - THAT insanity is still ON!

2009-04-26T11:30:00.000-07:00

Random Thoughts

1. I normally don't get too concerned about flu outbreaks (i.e. the bird flu a few years ago) but this swine flu outbreak is disturbing. It's being passed from person to person and is quickly making its way around the world to various countries. There are 7 confirmed cases here in CA. Naturally. And what do I do? Teach Hispanic kids who go back and forth to Mexico constantly with their families (if you haven't heard the outbreak is much, much worse in Mexico - esp. Mexico City). They'd better leave the oink virus down there. I'm gonna be a Nazi about using Kleenex, covering mouths when sneezing, coughing and washing hands. Yes, this flu has me a bit spooked.

2. I am going to Palm Springs tomorrow (my b-day!) for a few days. I will be back Friday. It's only going to be in the mid 80's there so it should be nice.

3. The saga of my right foot. Where did I leave off? I had a billion x-rays at the urgent care and the weird dr. said there were no fractures. This was on a Thursday. Then on Monday as I'm driving back home from Burbank, I get a voice mail from the urgent care stating that they need to speak to me, but because of strict HIPPA (confidentiality) laws, can't tell me what's wrong. Way to get me all anxious. So I race on over there and the radiologist looked at the x-rays and thought MAYBE I had a fracture on the dorsum area of my foot (top of my foot). MAYBE. They weren't sure. I'd need a CAT-SCAN. But they wouldn't just give me one; no, they told me it'd be 3-5 days before my insurance even OK'd it. 3-5 days? Hello, I have a PPO - it should only take one phone call to get approval. I demanded to see the doctor and ended up seeing ANOTHER dr. who looked at my x-rays again and just wasn't convinced I had a break. Also, the weird thing was, I had NO PAIN on top of my foot.

However, this is the strangest injury I've ever experienced. Every day the pain migrates. It was in my heel and the dr. didn't know why. Now it's mostly on the side of my ankle. Some days it's much better...sometimes it's gone entirely. However if I'm on my foot all day for work it gets a little irritated. The doc said just keep wrapping it with the Ace bandage and take the anti-inflammatories and if it's worse, come back. They said there wasn't much they could do anyway for a bone on top of the foot. So I am babying it the best I can. Today it's really quite good. I think the tendons and ligaments are healing very slowly. It itches too. Weird huh? I have to stop myself from scratching my foot and lower leg. Honestly, I had no idea I would get such a long-lasting injury from that fucking bench accident. But feet take a long time to heal. I won't be doing a ton of walking this week, needless to say. More like a ton of being in the pool.

4. I'm really sorry to hear about S's back problems and pain. I so understand the lack of energy part. Chronic pain just drains you. And she's right. DON'T WAIT TO TRY AND MAKE IT BETTER! I had fibro for 11 years before I even got on a medicine that helped me because I wasn't aggressive enough about my treatment. I had it for 10 years before I even got something for the pain - some Ultram - which really isn't a true narcotic but does have similar pain-killing properties. I think I thought I could tough it out - and I did for 11 years and then pretty much cracked. There's just no need to suffer. Anyway, I hope and pray this chiro can help you S like he claims! The claims sound good so I have my fingers crossed for you.

5. I have been working 4-5 days a week which is twice what I was working in the fall. Good money; however my mind is shot by the end of each day spending it with over 200 hormonal howler monkeys.

6. I have to board the cats this week. I HATE HATE HATE doing this to them. They fight it like crazy, they cry incessantly once I get them in the carrier and I know they are sad and unhappy. But I still haven't found anyone I trust to come in to my house and take care of them. I soooooo miss the services of Gena. Ha! I don't miss her friendship - just her taking care of the cats. I'm so cold.

7. I can't believe I'm 42 years old. That just sounds so ADULT and yet I still feel about 25 in my head. (My body is another story). Sometimes I feel like a child and just want to cry and throw a tantrum! LOL! God, my grandma was just having my DAD at 42. Insanity.

8. I am getting an iPhone for my birthday. I am terribly, abnormally excited about this! I do not and cannot keep up with everything in the tech world - just don't have the money for it. But I've wanted an iPhone for a long time and my sweet, generous mom is going to get it for me. Really, it's scary how excited I am over this. I'm thinking "Oh great, I can do Facebook now anywhere I want!" My addiction to Facebook is another problem. Let's face it - anything that keeps me away from reality - I'm up for it.

9. I received my Church tickets in the mail. I also pre-ordered the new CD. I admit, I am getting more excited to see them, but think I may end up going solo. SAD SAD SAD! My friend Cheri won't go, and I doubt Jill will go. I can ask my cousin Sara, who goes to clubs all the time, but she might be bored with the Church. Who knows.

10. Well, that's all folks. I almost called you guys forks. Gotta run some errands. Joy! Be good, have a good week and wash your hands!

2009-04-13T12:31:00.000-07:00

I Passed!! Part II

Yes, I just found out I passed my final two English CSET exams (California Subject Exams for Teachers). Now I have to take one stupid methods class and I'll be certified by the state to teach English. I'm already certifiable in many other ways, yes.

Very excited. Unable to do couch jumping due to foot, which is getting better - but didn't want to push it. Swelling is down to almost nothing. Icing foot still as I write.

2009-04-12T21:23:00.001-07:00

Too Cute!
My niece Ella, who has fallen asleep in her exersaucer. (Yes, that's what it is called!)

2009-04-11T11:34:00.000-07:00

A Whole Lotta Nothin'

WTF? I am having problems with the font size again on this thing. I KNOW how to change the font size. It just won't take. I am so pissed at blogger! I can't imagine what I could be doing wrong! Anyway...

Well my lovely spring break is almost at an end. I'm not sure if I'll be called Monday to work, but I know I'll be called sometime next week so officially fun times are over on Monday for me. It was more productive than I'd hoped because I actually got some great SLEEP! And we know how elusive that is for me. I haven't slept this well in months. I also read a lot, watched a lot of movies and just generally enjoyed not being around those little shits.

Speaking of...haha...I had to take my mom for her colonoscopy yesterday. She insists they didn't give her enough anesthesia last time so this time they really, really drugged her out. She was wacky yesterday. I stayed overnight with her just to make sure everything was OK. The good news is she got a totally clean bill of health - as far as her colon is concerned. At least you get insta-results with a colonoscopy.

I'm sure you all know this by now but I did buy tickets to see The Church at the Roxy. I succumbed to the fear that they might not tour again; although part of me sees The Church touring on walkers if need be. I am going to have to see who might go with me - if anyone. Sad!

Well, because of my bench accident, I really screwed up my right ankle. For some crazy reason it didn't start hurting until almost a week after the accident. Now it's killing me. I think I've sprained it. It's really bruised and it hurts somewhat to walk. It was getting better but today it hurts even more. If it doesn't start getting better soon I'm gonna have to see another dr. and we all know how much I HATE SEEING DOCTORS!

I am still at my mom's waiting for her to come home with the groceries for Easter dinner. We are not religious about Easter at all, but we still do the dinner thing. I like to think of Easter as a pagan holiday celebrating spring - what it started out as in the beginning anyway, no doubt. It's not like I'm a kid and am going to get an Easter basket. I have serious trouble with the Christian beliefs that surround Easter; I always have.

Anyway, this blog is very similar to my break in that it is full of a whole lotta nothin' but I thought I'd check in with y'all anyway. I keep looking at V's blog to see if she is officially preggers but nothing! I'm going to call her. I'm sure she is; I just wanted to see if she went to the doc's. I'm so nosy. But excited!

2009-04-07T11:12:00.000-07:00

Spring Break

Ok, do NOT get me wrong - I LOVE not being at work. LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE it. Not being around those stupid trashy wanna be gangsta kids with their filthy vulgar mouths? It's lovely. But spring break is kind of lonely when you're the only one on it. My friend Cheri, who is also a teacher, is naturally on her break NEXT week. Boo hoo.

Why do all you people have to live in different states? Texas, Arizona, Illinois, Ohio - even northern California (which would love to separate from us and become its own state I'm sure). Of course California can't take anymore people, that's for sure. Maybe I should move - but sadly I can't handle snow and extreme heat. Wuss!!!

Well I'm going to go off and entertain myself and don't take that the wrong way all you kids with dirty minds! ; )

2009-04-07T00:04:00.000-07:00

The Bench Accident - Or How I Am The Biggest Moron in All of History

Ok, so there's a little hyperbole in the title, but still, I felt like the biggest moron in all of history after I got over the shock of being on the ground - or kind of being on the ground and half straddling a fucking bench.

Last Wednesday I was at one of my usual hell holes, subbing for LAUSD. I'd been there before but still needed a map to find the classroom. So I'm walking along, looking intently at this map, and I walk straight into a long line of benches. I was - how do I say this - parallel with it - meaning I literally fell onto the end of the bench - not the middle - I literally just slammed into it, the concrete barriers around it, tripped and fell down. It wasn't like a little gracious fall however. My entire body literally flew over the bench. The only thing that kept me from falling flat on my face (and hitting my head, thank God) were my extremities. My arms went flailing but my right leg must have hit the bench really hard because my right foot up to my inner right thigh is totally black and blue. I also had a HUGE lump on my right shin (it's gone down to almost nothing now), and I still have a massive bruise on my left knee, left arm and left elbow. I got a few cuts along the way but nothing major.

What was so awful was the utter shock of it all. One minute I'm walking along and the next it's like I've been hit by a car. It took me at least a minute to come back to reality because I couldn't figure out where I was for a minute or why I was on the ground. I was so freaked out I actually thought "Oh my god, did I hit my head? I think I would've felt it if I hit my head." I am obviously feeling the repercussions of poor Natasha Richardson's head injury and panicked for a minute. Then I realized "I think I'd know if I hit my head." These girls circled around me like a flock of birds and one was sweet enough to pick up my stuff. Other rubbernecking morons just gaped at me like the idiots they are.

But honestly, I really wasn't even embarrassed because I was in such a state of shock. I kind of wanted to cry because it hurt so much! But alas, that was out of the question. Anyway, that's the worst fall I've had since I was 9 years old and fell and knocked out my permanent teeth (they saved them). I just gathered my things and limped along to class like nothing happened and managed to get through the day - with 7 periods of some of the worst students to boot.

So, that my friends, is the bench accident. You too can be humiliated and yet not even feel it because you're in such shock you did such a stupid thing at a middle school. Anyway, less than a week later and I am still limping along, just grateful it wasn't worse. And I am VERY careful about looking where I'm going now.

Anyway, I am in a better mood tonight. I just watched Slumdog Millionaire and cried like a baby (or a woman with PMS) at the end. I LOVED it. How can you not love this movie? I think it has one of the most romantic moments in all of movie history in it but I won't spoil it if you haven't seen it. I laughed, I cried. How's that for cliched?

I am really into The Wire now. Did anyone ever watch this? Naturally I am only about seven years late on this show. I think they had their final season last year; thank God for Netflix and DVD's. It used to be on HBO and is about Baltimore cops and bad guys, haha. Sounds cliched but it's really quite brilliant and the lead detective, actor Dominic West, is adorable.

OK, so onto other things...Sandy - are you going to Chicago to see the Church? Did I misread your comment? I think you are going! Also, Eek, I was thinking about the Church's last tour in 2006 - the one where I helped out with Steve's art. They played Santa Barbara, Hollywood, Orange County AND San Diego. I sadly missed the 2004 tour completely. I know times are tougher now and I can't expect huge tours from them...I had just really hoped to see some Church friends!

OK my psycho cat Zoe is running back and forth outside my bedroom door and I keep thinking it's a person. She sooooooooooo needs a Xanax. (Don't worry, I only drug myself, not my animals).

Also, thank you Eek, for that story about your poor mum and her sinuses. Doctors are so weird. I think mine gave up on me today. He was like, go see an allergist, your immune system is shot. Oh thanks so MUCH doc! I feel great now. Bastard.

Anyway, that's it. My bruised leg and I are going to bed.

Photo: British actor Dominic West - I am indeed such a sucker for the Brits - even when they're playing Americans!

2009-04-06T18:34:00.000-07:00

WTF?

I am in such a flaming bad mood today. Went to the ENT AGAIN because of my sinuses. He has referred me to an allergist. Just what I want to do - go to yet ANOTHER FUCKING DOCTOR! I actually asked my ENT either to get me well or kill me. I told him I understand that last part isn't really part of his oath, but you know...fuck this shit. My sinuses have NOT given me this much trouble since 2002. I want to drill holes in my head.

And the Church, those mofo's, are doing the shortest tour ever. I really thought I might get to see Staci - but it's her beau's b-day and I don't think any of my other friends and relatives can make it out for one stinkin' Church show in June.

I'm on spring break; that's the good news. I can only sleep in til about 8am now because I get up so early during the week. Still, it beats getting up at 4 or 5 am!

I am also PMSing OK? There I said it. I just want to crawl under the covers. I'm going to do that now actually. I was thinking of taking of picture of my entire right leg, and putting it on here, because it literally looks like a car ran over it. This is the leg that took the brunt of the bench accident. It's really ugly and hurts like Hell. My doctor gave me no morphine. What a dick!

2009-04-01T04:54:00.000-07:00

Money Matters

Ah...money. Such a delicate matter. I was brought up to believe that one didn't discuss money amongst polite company. However, after reading my friend Sandy's blog, and the comments on that blog, I've been thinking a lot about money and this dreadful economy. I've also been thinking about my recent blog asking people to donate to a cause I felt deeply about, if they could. And besides, I don't know any polite company, so what the hell. ; ) (Kidding, of course).

First of all, I'm no Suze Orman, and for that, I thank God every day. Seriously, I can't stand that woman. She does have some decent advice, but something about her rubs me the wrong way. So anyway, now that we all understand I'm no financial expert, let's move on.

I've made a lot of mistakes with money over the years. I was a spender. I was a shopper. I admit this. I shopped a lot during the early years of my illness, right after my dad died and I had inherited a good chunk of change. I felt if I had to endure such unrelenting pain and fatigue in my life, I was going to have what I wanted. Looking back now, I wish I had been a little more prudent with my money. But what's done is done. I am very prudent with what's left and I can't do anything about the past but learn from it.

I know people who have no money, but who are the most generous souls on the face of the earth. They would literally give you the proverbial shirt off their back. I know people with a fair amount of money who are so cheap that my teeth clench when I think of them, because I despise pathological cheapness, not just because I think it's absolutely insane, but because it becomes part of a person's personality. Apparently these people think that you CAN take it with you, and they have no generosity of spirit either. I have found you can tell a LOT about a person by looking at how they handle his/her money.

I think Sandy made some very valid points in her blog and so did every one who commented. I didn't feel (and this is my humble opinion) that anyone needed to apologize or justify their money situation. Right now, I think most of us are running a little scared, or a lot scared. Yes, I do have some family members that have not been affected by the economy at all. I do have some friends who aren't in danger of losing their jobs. I do know people that have come into a fair amount of money through inheritances - but I also know those people would no doubt trade that money in a milisecond to have the people back that left it to them.

I feel embarrassed, because I didn't know how bad it is right now for some of my friends. Not that people go around advertising stuff like that. Hey, I will say I've started cutting and USING coupons! I've never done that. But I will still eat - coupons or not. I have made concessions to the fact that I am without full time work, but I am still OK enough to do things like get my hair dyed. I decided to quit doing highlights because I think my hair looks better with one colour, and also, it's cheaper. Every month I get a tiny amount of interest off my savings. I've been living a bit off savings, the interest, the money I make as a sub, and my incredibly generous mother, who helps me every few months. I'm not embarrassed to say that. Without her, I'd be in trouble. She helps me with therapy, with my insanely high health insurance deductible, and with my medical costs - dr. bills and lab bills and pharmacy bills. I try to help my mom in any way I can, and she knows I will be there for her until her dying day. I am eternally grateful to her, but also, let's face it, at my age, I want and need to be totally self-sufficient. But I'm not going to be stupid about it. I need help now, and I take it, even if sometimes I do wish I didn't have to. It's actually not easy to admit this.

I am scared. I thought teaching and education would be a stable field. It's turned out to be anything but for me. The only thing that makes me really angry is when people have a lot of money and don't appreciate it. The same goes for health insurance. You see, when you get an illness at 26, and there are years where you truly couldn't work, you realize how easily your life can change, and NOT for the better. You live in a different world than others your age and you are never the same.

I am very, very lucky that I had a cushion; I had my parents, thank God. But now I see how one truly horrible (i.e. cancer, MS, ALS, etc) illness can wipe you out. I know how expensive it is to get private insurance. It's obscene. I know what it's like now to be uninsurable - for a condition some people STILL believe isn't real. Is that rich or what? Pun totally intended. I see people who have never been sick, have never been without insurance and they act like they are totally immune from anything ever happening to them. I don't live in their world anymore. They don't know what it's like to not be able to work, to be terrified of losing your insurance or not being able one day to pay the huge premiums. Since I 'laid myself off' from that last Job From Hell, I've been scared shitless. I feel like I need to hang onto my insurance forever...because how long do I wait in a job before let it go? What if I'm given that proverbial pink slip? It seems only the shittiest teachers get the tenure for life.

I have a friend who's a teacher who probably brings home $27,000 a year. IN LOS ANGELES. She has no health insurance. She works for a private school that, in my opinion, is totally taking advantage of her. But her only other option was to spend another year sitting on her couch, not working. What's she supposed to do?

Am I supposed to be making a point with this blog? I think I was but now I'm rambling. I guess I just wanted to say I understand all of my friends are in slightly different situations. I do think Americans with money have the right to be prudent with it, but if Americans who ARE very comfortable and secure never start spending again, the economy will stay this way forever. I agree with Sandy on that. I also know a few friends who fear they may not have jobs 6 months from now. I fear for myself on that matter. My brother is in a horrible position, working for a sadistically cruel and insane (I mean that) boss and he's about to crack. He wants to leave his job. But he makes a FORTUNE - especially for the state he lives in. What to do? His wife seems to have really insane job stability, unless there's something I don't know about. I swear a nuclear war could happen and the cockroaches would be crawling around and my sister-in-law would go to her job. A government job - but not all government jobs have this kind of security, so I don't know what the hell it is that makes her job so secure.

And yet I know people for whom food is becoming a luxury. I myself spend an inordinate amount of time trying to spend the least at the supermarket. I am in no danger of starving, but shit, when did food get so expensive? Even CAT food. I am cutting coupons for CAT food. It's too late for me, isn't it? I have become the crazy cat lady.

I heard something on the radio the other day that broke my heart into a million pieces; some people are doing so poorly they can't even keep their animals. They are bringing them to shelters. Those are probably the lucky ones who weren't abandoned when a house was foreclosed on or someone had to leave an apartment and couldn't find anyone to take their cat or dog. Anyone who knows me knows what a total sucker I am for animals. I will cry harder for a sad animal story than I will for anything else.

I think I'll end this now because it didn't quite turn out to be the blog I wanted it to be. I just wanted to say that I don't believe anyone needs to apologize for his/her financial situation. I have friends doing much better than I am, and some doing worse, and some doing about the same. I think this is the scariest time I have ever seen in my life, in terms of the future. I think people like Bernie Madoff should burn in Hell a thousand times over, along with all those other greedy sons-of-bitches on Wall Street. I think I should've done what V is doing so I might actually have a job come September. I think everything I've done is a mistake. I think I don't know what to think anymore. I pretty much despise corporate America and have my entire life. I've always wanted to do something like teach, or be a nurse, or be in some helping profession where you are paid next to nothing for the work you do. Apparently I am an idiot. It sounds soooooooooooo cliched, but I wanted to spend my life making a difference. I didn't want to go to my grave thinking, yeah, I had fancy cars and big TV's and ten computers but essentially I spent all my time working for some fucking lousy corporation I could not give a shit about in the end.

I just realized the title of this blog can be taken two ways. Yes, money matters. And I wish nothing but good fortune and comfort and security for all my friends, wherever you are financially.

2009-03-28T12:20:00.000-07:00

The Closing of George Mark Children's House

What can we do
If nothing for the children
Who lay prostrate and dying
Then we do not deserve any piece of
Heaven
for ourselves.

Where can they go
These tiny beings with fragile minds
And broken bodies
Their spirits held together by the four walls
of this place
And dreams of a painless tomorrow

We cannot abandon them, these innocents
Practicalities be damned! Empty out your pockets
the pillows of your heart
For they deserve the ending they want
When life itself handed them the cruelest start.

*George Mark Children's House (http://www.georgemark.org/www/index.htm) is the only free-standing hospice and respite care facility for sick and dying children in the entire United States; due to the economy and a lack of donations, it only has enough money to stay open until June. By contrast, England has over 40 children's hospice centers. If you can, consider donating something, no matter how small. Thanks.

2009-03-24T16:11:00.000-07:00

Insomnia

To sleep, perchance to
FUCKING SLEEP!
What does it mean?
What does it feel like
to sleep, perchance to dream
Without taking a Tylenol PM
or to wake up and not scream
when perchance I look at the clock
and again my friend
it is 4am.

No, seriously, I not only switched my AD to the morning I cut it in half. Soon I'll just be snorting the dust out of the bottle, that's how little of this AD I'm taking and also apparently how powerful it is. I've been feeling kind of melancholy lately; wondering if cutting it down really has that fast of a cause and effect on my system or if I'm just feeling the blahs for no real reason. Also, I AM sleeping quite a bit better; I am waking up at the more normal hours of 6 -7 am now. I still have to take something to get to sleep, but it's better.

My weekend was kind of shit thanks to last Friday's time in the fun zone but I'm better now. I called LAUSD yesterday and they said to FAX them my 'incident report' in writing. So I wrote one of my super articulate letters that basically said "Those motherfucking kids at that motherfucking school are motherfucking nuts and I ain't going back no matter what!" Funny, my version sounded so much better. I have yet to hear from them, but I am sure I will have to call THEM to find out if I am allowed to avoid that hellhole.

I'm addicted to wasting time on that stupid Facebook. I RUE THE DAY I got on there, I swear. I'm about to pick my five favorite pieces of lint soon; I can't stop playing their little games and quizzes and picking my five favorites of everything.

This Saturday night I am going to see Bill Maher at the Universal Amphitheater. I don't think it's called that anymore; I think it's called The Gibson Amphitheater - but whatever. I saw Bill once (we ARE on a first name basis thank you) at a very small comedy club in Pasadena and I seriously thought I was having a stroke I laughed so hard. He is brilliant at stand-up and God knows I could use some laughs right now.

I'm getting freaked out that the government keeps bailing out small countries - I mean AIG - and every other bank - right and left. Where are they getting this money? I mean seriously. Are they printing it up at the Treasury? Are they going to run out of ink like I did with my printer last night? Is the dollar going to become totally worthless soon and we'll be taking in wheelbarrows full of money to buy a loaf of bread at the market? What is that inflation? Deflation? Hell, I'm scared of it all.

S thinks her blogs are boring. She's got nothing on me. Here's boring for you: On Saturday my two spoiled rotten cats are going to be 14 years old. No, we're not having a party. Every freakin' day is a party for them. It does make me sad that another year of their little lives has passed. I hope they live to 19 or so. But naturally I want them healthy. I think '14' years? Wow, that went quickly.

I've been watching a LOT of movies lately. Nothing has really impressed me. Oh I did see one film I do highly recommend called "I've Loved You For So Long" with Kristen Scott Thomas (formerly in the English Patient). It's in French and it's a rather somber piece about a woman who's just gotten out of prison after 15 years (I won't tell you why she was in but it's devastating) and it's beautifully acted and written. I love French films. The French don't feel the need to drop giant emotional anvils on you every 30 seconds in their films. I'm considering watching that piece of teenage tripe, "Twilight." Why? I don't know. Sick curiosity. I've all but lost total interest in TV and oddly enough haven't been reading at all. I definitely think that had to do with the AD which made me feel like I had ADHD and I wonder how long I can go in this sentence just using these abbreviations. Seriously, it's like I haven't been able to concentrate on things for very long. I hate thinking something is fucking with my brain chemistry like that.

To end this blog on a totally boring and self-serving note, I had the WORST allergy attack today and my head feels like it's full of lead. I'm going to find some aspirin or climb under the covers.

2009-03-23T14:33:00.000-07:00

Thanks

I just wanted to say thank you to all my wonderful friends who read about my hellish day on Friday and who have left me some very kind comments and suggestions. I'm lucky to have you guys and I wanted you to know I never take you for granted. Thanks especially to Thomas, Staci, Sandy - and Holly and Veleska - even though they haven't read about my fun day yet, they are always here for me with encouraging words. I honestly don't know what I'm going to do. I'm just going to try and have faith that things will work out and I will get through these tough times.

2009-03-21T15:53:00.000-07:00

Speechless

I apologize for the different fonts and font sizes in this post; blogger is really fucked up and I can't do anything with it now. I truly don't have the words to fully express what happened to me yesterday at work. I will do my best to put it in words; but suffice it to say it was the worst day I've ever had in my life in a classroom. I went to work at a school and had two classes that essentially rioted the entire time I was there. I was afraid for my safety. Emotionally I thought I was going to crack, I was so angry. I called the main office to ask for security or a Dean or someone to get to my bungalow because the kids were totally and completely out of control and had been from the absolute second they walked into the classroom and realized their teacher wasn't there. If you saw what happened in a movie, you wouldn't believe it. You'd think the filmmakers were exaggerating for effect. I swear on my life, here's a sampling of what went on:

They threw history textbooks into a large trash bin
They tore pages out of books and threw them in crumpled balls across the room
They climbed on top of their desks
They opened and shut both the door and the window constantly
They were screaming, laughing and swearing the entire time
They were basically out of their seats the entire time (each class was 1 1/2 hours)
They threw math textbooks across the room
They smashed the math calculators and threw them across the room in pieces
They repeatedly threw pencils into the ceiling and at each other, and me
They stole the referral forms (to the dean) off my desk
They tipped each other over in their desks
They hit, slap and kicked each other and called each other filthy names
They wrote things like "Slut" and "Rape" on the whiteboard
When the first class got out, they walked out screaming "FUCK YOU MS. D! WE HATE YOU MS. D! YOU'RE A MEAN BITCH!"

I had absolutely no control. They walked in at the beginning of class at just went apeshit. I left at lunch and refused to work the last period. I wanted SECURITY to come in and sit with me the entire time. Apparently this school doesn't have any security. These are the most disturbed, fucked up kids I've ever seen. You can see the crazy in their eyes. They fought with me, they defied everything I told them to do, they laughed in my face. The Dean DID ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. She stood IN THE DOORWAY - didn't even come fully into the classroom, for about ten minutes and did NOT SAY A WORD TO ME OR THE STUDENTS.

The minute she left, they started acting like animals again. I have never been so traumatised as I was yesterday. I was shaking as I went to the office. I didn't cry until I got into my car and off the campus. I am still reliving the day in my mind. No matter what I've tried to do today, I can't stop thinking about what happened.

LAUSD has a policy where you can request NOT to be sent to a certain school for jobs - BUT - and this is so rich I can't believe it - you have to be PHYSICALLY INJURED IN AN ACT OF VIOLENCE AT SAID SCHOOL in order to never have to go back to the school. You have to be hurt. Perhaps permanently.

So because I managed to avoid getting a pencil stuck in my eye, or a textbook barely missed my head, I probably don't have a case. Nevertheless, Monday morning I will be calling LAUSD, filing a complaint against the school, and telling them I will never go back there. I am going to call the principal of the school on Monday as well and tell them never to bring me back to that school.

I feel like the last four years of my life have been a total waste. Unless I can get a job in a private school that pays well, I have done everything for naught. You couldn't pay me enough to work in LAUSD permanently. My body hurt so much today and I couldn't figure out why my fibromyalgia was so bad. Duh! I'd just been through hell yesterday. Needless to say, I did not sleep well again last night.

I should feel sorry for these kids but I don't. They are taking up space on the planet. They are waste cases who will do nothing but fill the juvenile and adult prison systems, waste our tax money, get on drugs, deal drugs, fuck and create even more damaged kids, live off welfare and tax the shit out of the mental health system in the county. You truly, truly don't even want to know my worst thoughts about these kids. They belong in a military school with a boot up each one of their asses. I don't think you'd like me very much if you knew what I think should be done with these monsters.

2009-03-19T06:13:00.000-07:00

Natasha Richardson, RIP

You know, I am aware that in this world of six + billion people, thousands upon thousands of people die unfair deaths every single day. I'm also aware I live in a celebrity-obsessed culture that often fixates on a celebrity to the exclusion of much more important things.

However. That being said, I am really just devastated by this poor woman's death. I don't even know why. It's not like I was especially into her or her acting. Certainly I knew who she was, and that she came from an acting dynasty. Perhaps it's because we're close in age, and her death seems like a freakish accident that could happen to any of us - and we don't even have to be taking a ski lesson. One small slip in the bathroom...

I haven't had a decent night's sleep in weeks. I'm highly strung out and emotional. Maybe that's it. Some things are happening in my life making me feel highly out of control already. Perhaps seeing someone who is apparently fine and talking one hour and probably dead the next is just a bit disconcerting. Are we all just one little fall from the abyss?

I don't know and I don't even feel like analyzing why I am so saddened over this stranger's death. Was it Stalin that said "One death is a tragedy, a million deaths a statistic"? Perhaps this one death is just easier for me and my Western European-bred, American-raised mind to wrap itself around.

Life sucks. It's unfair. Kids get cancer. People get run over in the street. They die of starvation on a planet with plenty of food and are killed by falling trees and IED's and suicide bombers. They die on the bunny slopes of a ski resort. I know better than to look for fair in this world.

God Bless her sons. To lose a parent at any age is a devastating loss. To lose a parent when you are 12 or 13 years old - I can't imagine it. Especially losing your mother...and God Bless everyone who lost someone yesterday. Not everyone will receive the massive coverage this one woman will. But I know there are many, many hurting people out there.

2009-03-17T09:30:00.000-07:00

Happy St. Patrick's Day!!

Just a few updates from my oh so exciting life...for the millions of readers of this blog. ;)

Sarcasm is alive and well today!

I took my last two exams on Saturday and something rather freaky deaky happened. I either aced them both or failed them miserably because I thought they were both waaaaaaay easy. Especially the linguistics one. It was one of those testing situations where you feel totally off kilter - like they're playing a trick on you or something. Paranoid? Me? No. So I'll find out if I passed or failed on April 13th. I am SO looking forward to doing some more Tom Cruise couch jumping. Please God - let it be!

I have been working a lot more. Yesterday I worked at a middle school and - hold onto your hats folks- I had 6 good classes. I mean, really good. The first period was so quiet I wasn't even sure the kids were alive. It was a GOOD day. I think I'm working tomorrow at the same school for some other teacher. And I almost always work Thursdays and Fridays. I'm hoping to make enough money this month to cover my insane rent. Teachers are getting burned out at this time of year. I should know. I almost cracked at the beginning of last April.

I switched taking my AD from taking it at night to taking it in the morning. I think it's helping the insomnia. Night before last I woke up at 3:30 a.m. and never went back to sleep; just went to work, like a zombie. Last night I took one Tylenol PM and slept the whole night - with the TV on - which I never do. When I saw the sun this morning I almost wept.

So I was thinking about my paternal grandmother, Nanny Pat, today. (Yes, we called her Nanny). I always think of her on St. Patrick's Day because her family came here from Ireland. YES! I am part Irish! I'm pretty sure, except for my Dad's grandpa, who came here from Germany at the turn of the 20th century, that almost all my relatives came here from somewhere in the British Isles. I am not doing anything especially Irish today, haha. Going to dinner with me mum tonight, that's all.

I'm actually going to my friend Cheri's school today for a fundraiser and to meet her class of second graders. She pretty much hates second grade but had to take what she got last year. You should hear how she talks about some of the kids! Of course it's no worse than how I talked about my 5th grade class. Teachers are horrible people, privately. Heh. The fundraiser involves IN N OUT burgers, and while I hardly EVER eat beef, I will make an exception for these stunning yummy cheeseburgers. I do feel kind of guilty since I almost meat-free these days. But damn why do some things have to taste so good! I try to just put it out of my mind. Denial can be a wonderful thing. Well, not for the cow.

Oh I just realized I have nothing green to wear. If these second graders try pinching me I am going to kick them like footballs through a field goal post. I told you teachers are secretly horrible people. ;)

I am listening to Pangaea. I really like it. I pray the Church comes here this summer. I am getting more excited at the prospect of possibly seeing them.

Non-sequiter - I just tried to this Frederic Fekkai dry powder that you put in your hair if you don't want to wash it. How weird is that? It's supposed to clean your hair somehow. I doubt it. It'll just look like I dumped some flour in my hair.

Ok, that's about all folks. Sorry I haven't more exciting news to report. I'm just so relieved NOT to have to study all the time. Now I have to start seriously looking for a job - getting the resumes out and stuff. If only I could PAY someone to do this for me. I HATE looking for a job. Although I'm not sure I've ever met anyone who enjoys it. Duh.

2009-03-13T23:05:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow is D-Day

At 1:30 p.m. I am set to take my final two English exams. Wish me luck. I'm going to need it this time. And yes, I said 1:30 p.m. They use the same high school for other exams between 8am and 1 p.m. Lucky me - I get to sleep in - if I sleep at all.

2009-03-12T13:04:00.000-07:00

Happy Three Year Blog Anniversary Baybee!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I just looked at my blog and realized I began writing it on March 12, 2006. And this is my 200th blog. Whooooooohooooooooo! 2006 seems like a whole other lifetime. I hadn't even started The Evil Program That Almost Destroyed Me. I hadn't worked at The Evil Elementary School With Spoiled, Psychotic Children. My life was quite different. But I am done with all that crap and so much happier than I was 3 years ago. I'm still mired in exams and looking for a job but I have more hope and a better outlook that I did in 2006, 2007 and 2008.

The wilderness years. I seem to go through a lot of them.

I'm burning CD's and avoiding my linguistics book. I'm so burned out (no pun intended) on studying. Fried brains. I wish it was all over!

I read on SK's blog the Church have cancelled concerts due to 'illness in the band.' That is kind of concerning. I don't know the Church to be the kind of band that often, if ever, cancels concerts. I wonder what's happening. Whatever it is, I hope it isn't too serious.

S and I are talking about seeing the band together. Frankly that'd be awesome but more awesome would just be hanging out with S again! It's been 2 and 1/2 years. Too long!

Ha, now that I've been mired in linguistics I look at every word I type and think it looks funny and wonder how it got to be the way it is. The Great Vowel Shift? The Black Death? You'd be amazed at the things that have shaped the English language. I rather enjoy reading up on linguistics; I just don't enjoy being FORCED to take a test on it.

OMG, I had the worst - I mean the WORST insomnia last night. I even took the full two Tylenol PM and didn't go to sleep until almost 6 am. Why? I don't fucking have a clue. I've been watching my caffeine intake like a hawk. It really is its own form of hell, insomnia. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemies. Well, there are some people I might wish a few sleepless nights on. Hee.

2009-03-11T16:20:00.000-07:00

Little Addictions

1. Pepsi - This is one of my worst habits because it's usually NOT diet. I really don't like diet drinks; although oddly right now I am drinking diet Pepsi because it's all I have. My dad used to drink about 7,000 Pepsi's a day, I swear. It's the caffeine AND the sugar I love. Even more the sugar - because I started drinking caffeine-free Pepsi years ago. I can't live without the sugar and yet it's sooooooooooooooooo bad for you.

2. Anything salty, greasy or fried. Is it a wonder I love the food in the South so much? I cannot have these in the house or they're gone in two seconds: Any kind of potato chips, Doritos, pistachio nuts, pretzels, anything you can heat up that's greasy and fried. Donuts too, even though they're sweet.

3. Traveling: I admit, one of the reasons I LOVE being on a school calendar is the time off I get so I can travel. Even to ATLANTA - so I can see my niece. Or to Palm Springs so I can sit by the pool with a fruity drink and relax. I really, really want to go back to Europe but that's not going to happen until I get a full-time job. I hate flying and hate long car trips and yet love going other places - the more foreign the better. I loved Rome sooooooooooooooooo much! I can't wait to go back to Italy. Rome is a wild ride. I want to visit so many countries, especially Ireland, Belgium, Sweden, Switzerland and I desperately want to go back to London.

4. Books: Anyone who knows me well knows my obsession with books and reading. I love everything about books. I could not, nor would I want to, live without books and reading. I love buying books, owning books, going into second-hand bookstores, feeling the pages of ancient books with their oh-so-fragile pages and the smell of history permeating their covers and spines...I have probably bought and read literally thousands and thousands of books since I was 18. I've tried going to libraries but they never have what I want to read or I don't want to be limited to two weeks to keep a book, or I'd take home a book and something scary and gross would be on it. I know I've spent waaaaaay too much money on books. Sometimes I regret it. It's a bitch to move with so many books. So I've had to give away the majority of my collection. Books are your friends. They've kept me sane and kept me entertained and kept me happy my whole life. My biggest thrill in elementary school was going to the library and getting to visit the bookmobile. Judy Blume was my hero. Thank you God, for books.

5. Slot machines: Ok, I know S had this on her list, but seriously, get me near these and I can't stop playing. I used to have more control over myself. I fall into the idiotic category of the gambler who is just POSITIVE the NEXT SPIN is going to be THE ONE where I win big. I'm a moron I know. The house ALWAYS wins. I can't wait to go to Palm Springs. They have a casino across the street from the hotel we're staying at. My mom always abandons me and I can sit at a slot machine for hours, pulling that lever like a dumb-ass monkey in a laboratory. I'm pathetic.

6. Movies: I have probably seen more movies than all my good friends combined. I know there are SERIOUS cinephiles out there I can't even compete with, but I watch a LOT of movies. Growing up, movies were my salvation, alongside books. Can you tell I like escapism? Movies also ruined me. I grew up thinking I'd meet The One across a crowded room, that true love only took about two hours, and that Luke Skywalker was the sexiest man alive. I grew up wondering where the background music was during all my important moments in life. Seriously, movies are still a huge obsession and I don't know anyone who loves them like I do, or watches the ones I watch, over and over, and it's kind of lonely because I have no one to talk to about my movies. I am totally and utterly enamored with what I believe was one of the golden ages of film making - the 1970's. All the great directors - Spielberg, Scorsese, de Palma, Coppoloa, Woody Allen, William Friedkin, etc. were young and brave and doing their best work. So were the great actors of our day - de Niro and Pacino were young and hadn't become sad caricatures of themselves. Recently I saw a movie that I know S loves as well - The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford (I think that's it) and it's just gorgeously shot and acted and when I come across a what I feel is a movie with even a tiny bit of greatness to it, I am elevated and taken to a place I can't quite describe. I first remember this happening when I was 10 years old, saw my first James Bond film, and Star Wars. Movie making has ruined me yes, but it's also saved me.

7. Martinis: It all started with the Appletinis at the Polo Lounge. Pure brilliance. Then I started drinking Cosmos, and all kinds of martinis. I think the martini is the height of alcoholic elegance. My new favourite drink is a Sidecar. If you ever get a really great Sidecar, it's like drinking the nectar of the Gods.

8. The Internet: How did I ever live without it? I first got on it via AOL when I was 26. I went 26 whole years without it! I didn't miss it, because I didn't know it existed. Now I can't get off it. It's a drug that just won't let me go. However I've met some of the best friends of my life through it, and for that, I'm eternally grateful.

9. Music: Music was beyond an obsession for me from ages 16 to about 30. After my dad died and I got sick I was on so many mind and soul-numbing drugs I lost touch with music. I remember in college, asking my mom how she just wasn't obsessed with music. I loved it so much I tried to ruin it by going into the music business. I was young and naive. I wanted to be an A and R person. I didn't know that was mostly a male-dominated field - like being a talent scout. At the time I thought I'd want to spend my whole life in smoky clubs around bands. I didn't. But I have re-discovered music and is there anything closer to Heaven?

10. Art: I'd be an idiot if I didn't include this one. I slaved for four years to get a Master's Degree in the history of art. Even if I never teach it again (which would make me sad) I will always be grateful for the knowledge I have. I am moved beyond measure by Caravaggio's Christ, by van Gogh's gorgeous yellows, by Rembrandt's sweet son Titus, by Matisse's dancing nudes, by Berthe Morisot's thick brushstrokes...by Manet's saloon girl, and Monet's haystacks. Going to Europe AFTER I had taught art history for 6 years made the experience so much sweeter for ME. I don't know if other people care - or even know what they're missing by not having so much background info on the artists. Maybe it's like the Internet...you don't miss what you never had. But I think it makes my appreciation of it all so much richer.

That's all for now. I know I have about 20 more addictions and some are worse than others but my fingers are tired.

2009-03-08T17:38:00.000-07:00

All or Nothing

Last Thursday I was called to a rather dicey area (aren't they all) to sub for an 8th grade teacher. He teaches Honors English. Anyway, long story short...he's on jury duty and managed to get his ass on a jury. Great! I was there Friday and the last period of the day an actual fight broke out between two animals - I mean students - in my class. It's a long story but this one kid is just the living incarnation of Satan's spawn. He was already set to do 10 minutes of detention after school (the most I can give them without their parents' permission - as if most of these parents give a shit about these kids). He skipped out on both seeing the principal AND seeing me. He doesn't think he'll see me again. I can't wait to see his face tomorrow when security comes to escort him to the principal's office. He's also going to get an hour's detention for skipping out on the 10 minutes. Should've been a man and just sucked up the 10 minutes, dickhead. If only I could say that! What a bunch of waste cases.

I did get a paycheck for almost $800 for only 29 hours of work - which is why I put up with this shit in this economy. I just can't make this kind of money doing anything else. However, I think I'll be working all this week and I have those two damned English tests Saturday. There goes anymore intense studying. By the time I get home from that zoo I'm wiped.

I'm sorry to say this, but it is a zoo. These people have no manners. I've seen animals act with more dignity. I found a note about raping a girl on the floor the other day. It had no name on it. It also mentioned jacking off to her. These kids are the future of California. I hope I get out before I'm old, to paraphrase the Who.

I got my period today and I'm sooooooooooooooo tired I'm just dragging. The time change never helps me either (I just read Veleska's blog). I have to be at school at about 6:30 a.m. too an it's going to be pitch black. Jesus. I fucking HATE the time change. Why can't the government let well enough alone. We get like 8 months in the dark in the mornings now. If you're someone who has to get up really early like myself, it's like getting up at midnight. I feel like I'm walking into Starbucks at 1 am.

I've been lying in bed trying to study grammar. Could there be a more coma-inducing subject? I think not.

2009-03-04T13:11:00.000-08:00

FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm so OVER studying for these two exams. I just can't do it - and to be honest, I haven't even studied that much. This really isn't like me. But lately I'm having a hard time concentrating on things for any real length of time. I wonder if it's the new AD. I'm blaming everything on that little fucking pill.

Seriously, I am the most academically inclined person I know, but I cannot stand to study for anymore g-damned standardized tests. I really just lucked out in passing the first two; this test on linguistics might actually get me this time and I'll fail. I can't fail because that means I'll have to study even more and even harder and my brain might explode and what a fucking mess that'll be to clean up.

It's the middle of the day and it's raining. I'm still in my pajamas. I'm sick of the rain too. Yes I am in a bad mood thank you very much. Really, I know we NEED the rain but Jesus, I want the sun. The rain can suck it for all I care. It's making me depressed and sluggish. Or that just might be my brain and the fibro. One can never tell.

I'm sleeping now because I'm drugging myself at night with Tylenol PM. I must be so sensitive to drugs though - the bottle says take 2 pills - shit, I can only take 1/2 of ONE pill and I still feel a bit hungover the next day. Two pills would probably put me in some fucked up coma.

Ok, I just tried to blow dry my hair into some shape resembling normal. Why? I'll just go out in the rain and look like Pam Grier circa 1977 in about two seconds flat.

I have no food in this place. I need to go to the store. I'm going to go get dressed and yell at the supermarket checker or something. Thank God I have therapy later. My aggression is scary today.

2009-02-26T10:06:00.000-08:00

This is A Grammar Classic!

A spokesperson for the Los Angeles DA's office confirmed the lack of charges, saying, "We do not have enough evidence and there have been no charges filed on the Chris Brown case."

But that doesn't mean that Brown will get off scotch free. The spokesperson explained that "if the state gathers up enough evidence, we will press charges with or without her testifying. It is not up to the victim."

No, they'll let him go with at least two fine bottles Glenlivet.

2009-02-25T23:06:00.000-08:00

Tag, I'm It

What would you do if you answered the door and it was Chris Brown?
Kick him where it counts.

Are you a fan of iced coffee?
Kinda. I can take it or leave it.

Is there someone that you believe you will always be attracted to?
I hope so!

Who was the last person besides family that you saw in person?
My masseuse.

Do you believe everyone has a soul mate?
Yes.

Do you like pancakes?
Yummy.

What's the last thing you put in your mouth?
Dasani Vitamin water.

Would you share your drink with a stranger?
No. I'm Howard Hughes germ-a-phobic.

Are you mean?
Only when I want to be, otherwise no.

What's the last movie you saw at the cinema?
The Reader.

Have you ever had a girl best friend?
Sure. Still have her, after 35 years.

Do you hate being alone?
No, I rather enjoy it.

What are your nicknames?
D, Nee Pie, Niecy and my new favorite (she says sarcastically) - teacher.

Is there anything that has made you unhappy these days?
Yes.

Is there a difference between love and in love?
Yes. I love my cats. I am not IN love with my cats.

Would you date someone who smokes?
No. Massive deal-breaker. I don't smoke. Can't stand it.

What is the last thing you did before you went to bed last night?
Read part of a book.

Do you like voicemails?
I tolerate them.

Where were you last night?
At Katsuya, this very cool sushi/Japanese restaurant

Do you know anyone with the same name as you?
Yes.

Have you ever seen someone you knew & purposely avoided them?
I did this last week - saw my old boss from 4 years ago and ran like the wind!

Where are you right now?
Bedroom.

Do you prefer to shower at night or in the morning?
Night. I can barely get dressed in the morning.

Has someone ever made you a promise & broken it?
Are you joking?

Do you like your name?
Used to hate it, now I love my last name, still hate my first name.

If Myspace made you pay would you still use it?
No. I don't use MySpace anyway.

What is the last thing you spent money on?
My massage.

Who can you blame for your bad mood today?
My brother. And my sinuses.

What are you listening to?
The fan.

What are you doing tonight?
Going to bed as soon as I finish this.

How is your life lately?
Better than it has been in a long time.

Last person you talked to on the phone?
My mom.

Whats the greatest thing that happened to you today?
Being alive.

Have you ever made someone laugh when they were crying?
Naturally. I am the Humor Queen you know.

What are you doing tomorrow?
Going to work no doubt.

Do you wear a lot of black?
Yes, but in the summer I wear a lot of color.

Can you sleep without blankets covering you?
No!

How many hours of sleep do you need to function?
8-9. Do I get this? Hell no.

Did you wake up happy today?
No.

Whats the first thing you did when you woke up this morning?
Cursed my sinuses and called the dr.

Do you hate the last person you had a conversation with?
Good God no. This Q and A is never going to end.

Any upcoming vacations?
Palm Springs, in April.

How many windows are open on your computer?
1

What are you doing after this?
Never answering another one of these damned things again that's for sure.

Do you like to cuddle?
Yesssssssssss.

When was the last time you were disappointed?
What time is it?

What color is your tooth brush?
White and something else but I don't know, hee.

Are you looking forward to anything?
Yes, the end of this questionnaire.

Brown or blonde hair on the opposite sex?
Dark hair. Brown, dark brown, black.

If the year consisted of only one season, which would you choose?
Autum.

What are you wearing?
This is getting perverted. A nightgown.

Is anything wrong?
Yes, too many questions!

What were you doing this morning at 5:30?
Sleeping.

What were you doing 2 hours ago?
Waiting to see who was going to be the Top Chef!

What woke you up this morning?
Phone.

Are you currently jealous?
Only of people who didn't get this questionnaire

What are the last 2 digits in your phone number?
84

Are you a bad influence?
I'm a school teacher for God's sake. I hope not.

Do you ever turn off your phone?
No.

Did you kiss at midnight on New Years?
No. I was in bed alone.

What are you doing this coming weekend?
Going to a Big Band concert. Having a friend out.

For the love of all that is Holy people, don't do this one. I swear it's a killer.

2009-02-25T09:26:00.000-08:00

The Fate of the Nation

I missed the first 20 minutes or so of Obama's speech last night so I'll have to catch it on YouTube. However, what I heard was inspiring. I understand many thought he was going to solely focus on the state of the economy. And yes I did think the speech veered off on many topics - but I did think it was meant to be a "rah rah we can do it (si se puede!)" inspirational speech for America.

But Jesus, don't we need that? So much of this economic crisis is psychological. People are frozen in their spending. Banks are frozen with their credit. Unless they're using bailout money to throw lavish parties for their employees. Vomit.

And yes I wonder where we are going to get all the monies we need for all the things this administration wants to accomplish. But I was inspired. I wanted to hope again. I want to believe America can pull itself out of this mess, this sinking morass of depression. I do feel it's a depression in many ways.

Is it so terrible that I wept when Obama talked about education? Not because he wanted to pay teachers more, but because he told America - we CANNOT have high school dropouts. We cannot succeed and compete as a nation with a population that either drops out of high school or even tries to compete in a global marketplace with ONLY a high school diploma. It's going to take more than that. Yet I see every day I work - hundreds of kids who are no doubt going to drop out of high school. I see the reality but want to hope. It's a strange dichotomy. I don't know how to get through to these kids. Obama was spot on when he said regarding dropping out of high school "You're not only quitting on yourself, you're quitting on your country." Sadly so many Hispanics I see still feel major ties to Mexico and I don't know if they feel tied enough to this country to feel any real sentiment at all. If you're here, you're here. You're American. Knowledge is not only power, it is the key to better jobs, better skills, better training, better careers.

I also wept when he talked about health care. You all know this is about as close to my heart as it can get. I don't even know if or what he can change with this fucking mess we have now. But once you've been sick, and you know you're basically uninsurable now, and you know what's it like not to be able to work, you realize the massive importance of health insurance. Every day I thank God I have it. And I still pay a fortune for drugs and medical costs. But I am still one of the lucky ones.

I have never prayed for a President before. But I will pray for this man and this administration and even his naysayers. Because God knows it can't hurt. And that's how much I believe in him. Lest you think I am some kind of Obama-groupie, please know that I know he's only human, and I do disagree with him on several issues, I don't think he's perfect and I don't think he'll be able to accomplish everything he sets out to. What President has? But he gives me a tiny bit of hope.

The audacity of hope, indeed.

2009-02-23T05:00:00.000-08:00

Funeral Blues - Stream of Consciousness Style

Saturday afternoon
Overcast, humid, the skies leaning towards weeping
But alas, no
Dry as a bone
Funeral for Helen Headley
My best friend's grandmother
87, died on February 2
So why the funeral on February 21
Don't ask! The story is long
the wait longer

Beautiful old Scottish chapel
Wee Kirk O' The Heather
Lovely service
I sniffle because I cry at anything and everything
Beautiful casket (I have a thing for classy wooden caskets)
Even more beautiful yellow roses covering casket
Yellow flowers everywhere
Why that's my favorite color
Not to mention my favorite flower
I think the spray I bought looks particularly lovely
If I do say so myself

Moon River is played at the opening of the DVD montage
A life in pictures, melodies
Hey, that's my song, I wanted it at my yet-to happen wedding
Notice the positive
Don't want to accentuate the negative
Helen is gone
I've known her for over 30 years
Photos of her wedding, her children,
Her dead daughter Sue - breaking my heart
It broke hers to outlive two children
Photos of her smiling grandchildren, her baby great grandchildren
When Roseanne Cash sings "I'll be watching you from above
Because long after life, there is love"

I want to sob.

Inevitably I start thinking about my own life,
my own funeral
Who will be there to carry me down?
Who will bury me, play songs for me, make sure it's
yellow roses and the right prayers and I don't have children
so who will do all of this if I grow really old
So yes, Helen was 87 - old enough to go
My grandmothers lived to be almost 95
I figure I will be like them or kick off at 60, haha
You never know
Will they show pictures of my cats? Haha

She had 29 beloved cats
Though not all at once!!
Listen to her son speak
Her granddaughter
Her grandson
How do I want to be remembered?
What do I want to be remembered for?
What do I want people to say about me?

What if it happens sooner than I think?
Next year or five years from now - God forbid
Should I write down my wishes
Is that morbid?
Not anymore, not at this age
Like a Boy Scout
Always be prepared!
Or something like that

What is this life
So short, so small
Even if we are to meet some grand clockmaker in the sky
I don't understand all the machinations
on this spinning ball
Years and years and laughter and tears and love and hate
and pictures to document it all

What's it all for
What does it matter then
Why do I still ask the unanswerable questions
I know the silence that will come back to me

The interment short and sweet
On a hill overlooking the city
A bagpiper wails Amazing Grace
So beautifully sad
I stumble up the hill in my heels
And cling to the grass as the pastor
Reminds us there will be no more tears
no more sorrow, no more pain, no more suffering

The funeral official announces the reception
at a local Scottish restaurant
An institution - been around since 1922
One year younger than dear Helen
I'm hungry and thirsty and am ready to leave

I don't know
Maybe cremation is the way to go.

2009-02-18T11:38:00.000-08:00

Three Things Meme, about me, and getting to know you!

(I am dragging the bottom of Catz's barrel by doing this, hahahaa!!)

Three Names I go by
1. Denise
2. D
3. Nee Pie (my dad called me that so I don't hear it anymore unless my mom says it on occasion)

Three Jobs I have had in my life
1. Music Publicist
2. Junior college instructor
3. Elementary teacher

Three Places I have lived
1. Glendale, CA
2. Malibu, CA
3. Brentwood, CA

Three TV Shows that I watch
1. House
2. The Mentalist
3. Burn Notice

Three places I have been
1. London, England
2. Skagway, Alaska
3. Bar Harbor, Maine

People that send e-mail, facebook messages, or internet chats regularly
1. Melissa
2. S
3. Jill

Three of my favorite foods
1. Guacamole
2. Chicken piccata
3. apple pie

Three things I would like to do
1. Live abroad (in UK - but highly unlikely)
2. Take a cruise throughout Northern Europe
3. Travel through South America without getting killed ;)

Three things I look forward to
1. My annual pilgrimage to Palm Springs in April
2. Seeing my niece again
3. Meeting a decent man and having a real, grown-up relationship - it's been too long!

2009-02-18T06:09:00.000-08:00

The Best (and Worst) Words in the English Language

The two best words you'll ever hear: It's benign.

The three best words I heard yesterday: Former President Bush.

The five worst words I don't want to believe about the economy, but do: It's going to get worse.

2009-02-16T20:20:00.000-08:00

Sheer Laziness

My Bucket List (stolen from just about everyone)

Place an X by all the things you've done and remove the X from the ones you have not.

Things you have done during your lifetime:
(X ) Gone on a blind date
(X) Skipped school
() Watched someone die
(X) Been to Canada
(X ) Been to Mexico
( ) Been to Florida
(X) Been to Hawaii
(X) Been on a plane
( ) Been on a helicopter
(X) Been lost
(X) Gone to Washington, DC
(X) Swam in the ocean
(X) Cried yourself to sleep
(X) Played cops and robbers
(X) Recently colored with crayons
(X) Sang Karaoke
( ) Paid for a meal with coins only
( ) Been to the top of the St. Louis Arch
(X) Done something you told yourself you wouldn't.
(X) Made prank phone calls
( ) Been down Bourbon Street in New Orleans
(X) Laughed until some kind of beverage came out of your nose & elsewhere
(X) Caught a snowflake on your tongue
( ) Danced in the rain-naked
(X) Written a letter to Santa Claus
(X) Been kissed under the mistletoe
(X) Watched the sunrise with someone
(X) Blown bubbles
(X) Gone ice-skating
(X) Gone to the movies
(X)been deep sea fishing
(X) Driven across the United States
() Been in a hot air balloon
( ) Been sky diving
( ) Gone snowmobiling
( ) Lived in more than one country
(X) Lay down outside at night and admired the stars while listening to the crickets
(X) Seen a falling star and made a wish
(X) Enjoyed the beauty of Old Faithful Geyser
(X) Seen the Statue of Liberty
(X) Gone to the top of Seattle Space Needle
(X) Been on a cruise
(X) Traveled by train
( ) Traveled by motorcycle
(X) Been horse back riding
(X) Ridden on a San Francisco CABLE CAR
(X) Been to Disneyland/ Disney World
(X) Truly believe in the power of prayer
( ) Been in a rain forest
(X) Seen whales in the ocean
(X) Been to Niagara Falls
(X) Ridden on an elephant (yes, I have!)
( ) Ridden on a Camel
( ) Swam with dolphins
( ) Been to the Olympics
( ) Walked on the Great Wall of China
(X) Saw and heard a glacier calf
( ) Been spinnaker flying
( ) Been water-skiing
( ) Been snow-skiing
(X) Been to Westminster Abbey
(X) Been to the Louvre
( ) Swam in the Mediterranean
( ) Been to the Great Pyramid in Egypt
(X) Been to a Major League Baseball game
(X) Been to a National Football League game

Notice most of the things I haven't done involve sports. I have no desire to ride a motorcycle, or go sky diving. I'd have a heart attack. I'd like to try snow skiing though. And travel naturally, to the Pyramids, the Mediterranean and I WILL swim with the dolphins soon. I've wanted to do that for YEARS.

2009-02-12T21:01:00.000-08:00

13 Years

Today is the 13th 'anniversary' of my dad's death. Wow, 13 years. In a way it seems like a million years ago. I've had a really good day thus far. Pretty happy. Time doesn't heal all wounds, but working your ass off in therapy and reading and praying and writing and having mini-breakdowns, haha...well, doing the grief work helps. And time does help. It doesn't make it all better. Tomorrow I might cry my eyes out. Who knows. I'm just so involved with myself right now - that doesn't sound good - but you guys know what I mean - that my dad seems kind of far away. In a way that makes me a little sad, and I feel a little guilty.

But it is what it is.

In the infamous words of the great poet Robert Frost:

"If I have learned one thing about life, it is this: it goes on."

Indeed.

2009-02-09T16:29:00.000-08:00

Sweet Mother of Mary There IS a GOD!

That, or I am simply a genius. I jest. I just found out I PASSED both of my CSET English Literature and Composition exams. (CSET = California Subject Examinations - put in place by NCLB and Bush to make sure teachers know their subject matter and pedagogy).

HOW did this happen? I was totally emotionally unable to study for these tests. I think I studied a grand total of 3 days before taking them. I know I'm a good bullshitter. That had it to be on the compositions. I must have guessed well on the multiple choice exam too.

The fact is: I have to take two more exams: Linguistics and the history of the English language, and Communications and Media. The test date is March 14th.

I am high as a kite, have done my "Tom Cruise jumping on the couch" run through the apartment about five times and scared Zoe into the next zip code.

But dammit, once you take these tests, you NEVER HAVE TO TAKE THEM AGAIN. I am two tests and one methods class away from being certified to teach English. It's actually kind of a scary prospect.

JOY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2009-02-08T12:14:00.000-08:00

Lazarus Dreams

There will come a time when you will find
yourself alone
in a faded room of despair
the stale aroma of some unresolved grief
heavy in the air

And you will be playing mental solitaire
and smoking cigarettes
trying desperately to remember
how simply to forget
crazy things like the strange feel of December
in the dead center of July
the long, deep, bitter want
and someone that you loved once
a long, long time ago.

There will come a time
when you will find yourself long since past the age
when it is acceptable to rage
against the dying of the light
and you will blow out candles in the night
and wonder when you lost the fight

And you will learn
You will learn to carry your grief with elegant grace
You will learn
that in this world integrity finds no easy place
You will learn
to master the fine art of goodbye
You will learn
that often silence is your best defense
and that sadness does not guarantee
any more tears left to cry

There will come a time
when you will stop searching for some great cosmic sign
and you will let go of the concept of fair
And you will live in a house of mirrors
to prove once and for all
that you're really there.

There will come a time
when you will spend your nights dealing kings and queens
playing Jesus Christ to the demons dancing in your head
and raising Lazarus dreams
from the dead.

Note: I can't recall if I ever posted this. Apologies if I did; I just came across it last night and thought how ironic! It is 17 years old; I was 25 years old when I wrote it. What stuns me is that at that point, my father and grandmothers were all alive, I hadn't gotten sick yet and yet I could have written it yesterday and it would've been more appropriate to my life now I suppose. Anyway...yes, I was occasionally smoking back then. Yikes. And I was depressed - I just didn't know it. I wrote bad poetry to deal with it. LOL! And in the end, this is about life, but also, so much about a great unrequited love I had. I still think of that person fondly to this day.

2009-02-07T22:22:00.000-08:00

Another Q and A Thingie

Rules: It's harder than it looks! (We'll see about that.) Use the first letter of your name to answer each of the following questions. They have to be real, nothing made up! If the person before you had the same first initial, you must use different answers. You cannot use any word twice and you can't use your name for the boy/girl name question.

1. Your name: D
2. A four Letter word: Dark
3. A boy's name: Daniel
4. A girl's name: Desiree
5. An occupation: Director
6. A color: Dark brown (I honestly don't think there is an actual color that begins with the letter "D")
7. Something you wear: Dress
8. A food: Duck!
9. Something found in the bathroom: Dirt
10. A place: Denver
11. A reason for being late: Drunk
12. Something you shout: Damn
13. A movie title: Don't Look Now
14. Something you drink: Dewars whiskey
15. A musical group: Doors (The) - does this count?
16. An animal: Dog
17. A street name: Doran Avenue (this actually exists in the city in which I grew up)
18. A type of car: Denali
19. Something scary: Death
20. Ice cream flavor: Dublin Mudslide (Ben and Jerry's - hey, it's the closest thing I can find to a 'flavor' that starts with D - this one is impossible!)

2009-02-07T08:22:00.000-08:00

Someone is Going to Burn in the White-Hot Fires of Dry-Cleaning Hell

Ok, have any of you heard the 4 minute tirade going around the Internet, TV, radio, moon, Saturn and every other galaxy where Christian Bale goes off on some poor DP for four minutes using the word "fuck" at least 300 times???

That is NOTHING - NOTHING my friends, compared to what I am going to verbally do to my dry cleaners Monday. I have to leave in a few minutes for West L.A. for an ALL DAY 'connection event' where I will be interviewing with private schools for a teaching job.

I took my $150 suit to these fuckers to get dry cleaned last week. When I brought it home, the receipt accidentally ripped off - and this is where I was stupid - I tossed it. I get up this morning and they have paired MY jacket with SOMEONE ELSE'S SKIRT - which is NOT IN MY SIZE and DOES NOT MATCH ENOUGH FOR MY EXPECTATIONS ANYWAY!

MOTHER FUCKING FUCKERS!

And in case you are wondering why I am so bloody FUCKING MAD, it's because 4 years ago I actually had to switch to THIS dry cleaning place because the LAST ONE I USED gave my favourite skirt EVER away to another customer and would not replace it, pay for it or even really own up to it. I had it out with the owners over and over. They denied I ever brought it in - even though I DID HAVE THE RECEIPT! It was a silk charmeuse skirt with black embroidery...I still miss that skirt. I wanted to take it to Europe with me.

WHAT THE HOLY FUCK IS IT WITH ME, DRY CLEANERS AND SKIRTS?

I don't care if I can't find the receipt. These mother fuckers know me and know I brought this suit in and they are either going to find my skirt or pay me money. Oh they are going to PAY alright.

So naturally, I am in another outfit...I only own one suit. I'm a teacher, not a lawyer. I don't wear suits to work. These people are going to wish they'd never seen my face. That's all for today.

2009-02-03T23:43:00.000-08:00

Another Goodbye

My best friend Jill's grandmother Helen, died yesterday around 4:50 p.m. Jill was with her. Another February death - I tell you, I'm looking forward to March! She was 87. For logistical reasons regarding the rest of Helen's grandchildren, the funeral is not going to be held until the 21st!

I went to dinner with Jill tonight and we sat in her grandma's house for a while. Jill knows how much I've always loved her grandma's house. She understands my NEED to say goodbye to houses, haha. I'm really proud of how Jill has managed so much; her dad is in Antarctica, and her uncle and cousins are scattered across the country. She does have one cousin in Orange County. She has had to take on SO much - not just her grandma's health, but her dad's property, her dad's bills, her grandma's apartment building, those bills, Jill's own life, work, school, tuition....I think I would've lost it by now. Today she went to the funeral home alone to make the arrangements. I offered to go with her, but she wanted to do it on her own.

I am worried about her. Thank goodness she's taking the whole week off from work. I really loved her grandma, but I'm so glad she is not suffering. And I truly believe she is another world; one we can't or won't ever understand until we get there ourselves.

I'm tired and going to bed now.

2009-02-02T15:05:00.000-08:00

Grazie, Sandy

1. What is your occupation right now?
substitute teacher (ugh)

2.What colour are your socks right now?
no socks - it's 81 degrees here in Hades

3.What are you listening to right now?
the fan

4.What was the last thing that you ate?
grilled cheese (go Veleska!)

5.Can you drive a stick shift?
sadly, no

6.Last person you spoke to on the phone?
my mom

7.Do you like the person who sent this to you?
Well, I stole, but I do indeed like very much the person I stole it from

8.How old are you today?
41

9.What is your favourite sport to watch on TV?
Ick. I hate sports.

10.What is your favourite drink?
Non Alcohol: Starbucks black iced tea, unsweetened

Alcohol: a fabulous fruity martini such as pear, peach, apple, lemon or a Sidecar

11.Have you ever dyed your hair?
Hell yes. Going this Thursday to dye the grey out

12.Favourite food
Oh heavens. Really? It's so hard to pick one thing. Healthy: avocado (I know, it's got some fat). Not healthy: McDonald's french fries (sticks o' fat)

13.What is the last movie you watched?
Pride and Glory w/Ed Norton, Colin Farrell...cop drama. It was OK.

14.Favourite day of the year?
Hmmm...either Halloween or the day before Christmas

15.How do you vent anger?
Murder. No, no, I'm kidding peeps! Oh heck, ranting like a wild woman, blogging, swearing, talking to my friends, mom, cats, the walls. Also turning it inside which sucks because then it turns into depression.

16.What was your favourite toy as a child?
You guys must remember Colorforms? Or how about the Easy Bake Oven? Or the Lite Brite? Am I spelling this right?? Also, my Barbie was pretty rad. Sadly I didn't know at the time how she was subconsciously destroying my self-esteem, haha.

17.What is your favourite season?
Autumn - you go Sandy!

18.Cherries or Blueberries?
Blueberries. Chock full o' antioxidants.

19.Do you want your friends to e-mail you back?
Honestly, I don't care.

20.Who is the most likely to respond?
Why everyone, of course. I am adored.

21.Who is least likely to respond?
People who don't read my blog.

22.Living arrangements?
Tiny but modern 1/1 apartment with cathedral ceilings, granite counter tops, partial wood floors, etc. Very nicely furnished. Kitchen so small even I can barely fit into it. Hundreds and hundreds of books. Two amazing, beautiful, smart, witty, cats who throw up on the carpet at least every other day.

23.When was the last time you cried?
Earlier today, when Michelle Obama said she was a product of the wonderful education and all the educators she had growing up. Teachers get nothing but crap or lip service but I felt she really meant it and I'm eternally grateful for her for saying it.

24.What is on the floor of your closet?
So many clothes, shoes, a giant down bedspread...so much a corpse could be under there and I wouldn't know it.

25.Who is the friend you have had the longest that you are sending to?
Sandy!!!!!!!!! I think it's been almost 7 years though since I've seen her. :(

26.What did you do last night?
Watched The Office, peed in my pants laughing (ok, I didn't but seriously, The Office was that funny), read, did some laundry, turned my digital photos into zip files on the computer, read, went to bed.

27.What are you most afraid of?
FLYING! The next thing would be flying, flying and flying. Oh and spiders. Especially if they're flying.

28.Plain, cheese, or spicy hamburgers?
Cheese please. I love cheese far too much. We need to break it off now.

29.Favourite dog breed?
CATS RULE, DOGS DROOL! Dogs are the whores of the animal kingdom. Ok, so I think you get I'm a cat person. But I do ADORE Jack Russell Terriers, even though they are basically four legs and tail on METH and CRACK. I also love King Charles Cavaliers...I think they're cocker spaniels. Oh and I'm sorry, I DO LOVE Chiauaua's. Especially the teacup ones. Paris Hilton has given them a bad name. It's not their fault she buys 62 million of them, forgets about all of them except the one she sticks in her Louis Vuitton toy dog bag and forgets about that one.

30.Favourite day of the week?
Friday. Anticipation rules.

31.How many states have you lived in?
Mentally? No, I'm kidding. Just one, the eternally broke and fucked up Cali.

32.Diamonds or pearls?
Diamonds! The diamond is my birthstone, so naturally, no one ever gets me my birthstone as a gift. Sob. However, I also adore aquamarine.

33.What is your favorite flower?
The yellow rose. But NOT FROM TEXAS!

2009-02-01T23:26:00.000-08:00

T.S. Eliot Had it All Wrong!

April is the cruelest month...not for me. I came into this world in April and I've always enjoyed my birthday. I still find January and February the most miserable and cruelest of months.

January took three of my grandparents, and several great aunts and uncles.
February 12th took my father (well, that's debatable, haha), my best friend's mother (from MS) and one of my brother's best childhood friends (he shot himself in the chest - it was a tragic, tragic end to a troubled life) and now my best friend's grandmother is dying. She's been in and out of hospitals for the last several weeks. I think she is at home with hospice care now. Since I grew up with Jill, doing so much with her family and her grandma was always there (going to the Rose Parade, the Hollywood Bowl, swimming at her house, going out to eat, spending the night, etc.) I feel close to her grandma. Jill only lives a couple of houses from her grandma's house. BTW, her grandma, Helen, is 87 and is the mother of Jill's mom, who, as I said, died of MS in her mid 50's. My heart broke when Jill's mom Susan died; how awful to lose your child when you're in your 80's. I mean, it's horrific to lose a child at any age; but to have to watch your child suffer for so long...it's cruel.

I am going into 'town' tomorrow (the city I grew up in) after I see my rheumatologist. I just texted (is that a verb now? a real word?) Jill to ask if I could stop by her grandmother's house to, well, basically say goodbye.

Sorry this blog is a downer.

In better news, I already feel tons and tons better from the new medication my shrink has me on. Also, the birth control I'm taking, Yaz, has not only stopped the pesky flying sperm from getting to me, but more importantly, seems to be doing its FDA-approved job in toning down my PMDD (translated: PMS on crack). I feel...normal?? Is this what most women feel close to their periods? I don't feel like throwing myself out the window, or stabbing the furniture or eating the entire contents of the fridge. Tide commercials aren't making me cry hysterically and I'm not having a battle to the death with my sheets, pillows and bed at night. I don't feel like the life force is slowly being sucked out of me; like my uterus has become a vessel of pure, unadulterated despair and my ovaries are no longer whispering "It's useless. End it all now."

I don't know. I don't want to get too excited here. I'm only in my first month with these drugs. It's so, so, so, so, so disturbing to me that I feel I am just essentially a giant petrie dish of out of control chemicals. It makes me feel highly reductionist and nihilistic.

I wonder if there's a pill for existential despair? Hello, calling all pharmaceutical companies...

2009-01-29T05:38:00.000-08:00

Where Have All the Proofreaders Gone?

I was reading an interview with Neil Diamond (stop snickering, I loooooove Neil Diamond) on the CNN website and I came across this gem:

CNN: For this tour, you've donated all the proceeds from merchandise sales [T-shirts, programs and other souvenir items] to the victims of Hurricane Ikea in Texas. We're talking about a figure that's somewhere in the neighborhood of a million dollars.

Ah yes, Hurricane Ikea. That one wasn't too long ago and how I remember the images flickering aross my TV set. Odd, slightly built Swedish furniture, flying through the air at speeds of 90 miles per hour...

Honestly, every single day I come across so many mistakes like this - in books, magazines, newspapers, on the web, and especially on that annoying news crawl on all the 24 hour cable news stations. In 20 years we're going to have an entirely new version of the English language.

2009-01-23T22:09:00.000-08:00

I Wanna Be Sedated

And you would too, my pretties, if you spent your days in my head! Warning: More foul language ahead. See, I'm 41 years old and I only swear in my car, with my friend Cheri and on my blog. Ok, sometimes in the house too. So I feel like hey, it's MY BLOG, I can say what I want to...nah nah nah!

Ok, so some more random stuff, and a report from The Future of America. Ole!

1) Who the F-U-C-K DOES KANYE WEST THINK HE IS? And if you've ever seen his blog (I don't read it but do go on sites where they cut and paste it) he has a PROBLEM with TURNING OFF HIS CAPS KEY. The seriously egotistical mofo cannot type in lower case. I really despise him. Every other second he is talking about how GREATTTTTTTTT he is! He thinks he is some kind of GOD!!!!!!!! Plus, did you see his freaking hair at the Inauguration? Dude is sporting a MULLET! A black mullet, but a mullet. He is DELUSIONAL. I mean, really, SEEK PSYCHIATRIC HELP IMMEDIATELY. It's nothing to be ashamed of, asshole. I only WISH I had 1/10th of that idiot's ego! He is greater than the Beatles AND Jesus AND Buddha AND Mohammad. I want to break into his house, find his computer and steal the CAPS LOCK key. He will FREAK the HELL OUT and NO ONE will have to read his INSANE ramblings anymore.

2) YOU MUST WATCH THIS VIDEO! There's a video on the web of Anderson Cooper (my gay boyfriend) doing his news show the day after the Inauguration. I love Anderson profoundly - so part of me is MORTIFIED for him. And yet part of me laughs my ass off watching it. He is either SO HUNG OVER or still SO WASTED from all the partying he cannot form one coherent sentence. Actually I think he is just tired as hell. He's been doing Regis and Kelly, filling in for Regis, so I imagine he's getting up at 4am and has to do his evening broadcast. Anywho...this is by far the worst broadcast I have ever seen from a journalist. It's humiliating to watch - yet like the proverbial car accident, you cannot take your eyes and ears away. And yet, and yet....he fucks up almost every single word so badly you just want to poke your own eyes out with white-hot pokers and pour acid in your ears. And then listen to it again and again in utter awe - because it's ANDERSON COOPER! It's Mr. Katrina - Mr. War Zone, Mr. Serious and he has taken the Hangover Train to work when he shoulda stayed home in bed with the hair o' the dog and his boyfriend giving him some hangover TLC...

3) It rained pretty much all day here. This would've been something I could have enjoyed, had it not been for the fact that the dildos at the middle school I went to today split my job - I taught 6th grade English until period 4 on one side of the campus, then was sent to a 7th grade math class on the opposite side of the campus with a map designed by Helen Keller. So I am walking around with my heavy purse, bag, map, sub folder and umbrella, feet soaking wet...asking every single human being I see "Do you know where room B-2 is?" Finally a teacher tells me it's behind the M building. Well of course, I should've known that. It makes perfect sense. I mean, the A building is there, and the C building, and silly me, I thought the B building would be close by, but they tucked it into a vacant spot 62 miles away from the main campus. Probably so no one can ever hear the screams of substitute teachers.

4) I'm sure all of these students think the alphabet goes like this "A, M, C, B..."

5) As I was leaving today (trying so desperately NOT to run out of the office screaming "NEVER AGAIN! AS GOD IS MY WITNESS NEVER AGAIN!") I actually heard a TEACHER say this. I swear on the lives of my beautiful pussy cats, he actually said this sentence:

"I heard there aren't going to be no layoffs." Just let the words sink in for a moment. Say the sentence over in your mind a few times.

A little background. First L.A. was going to lay off 2500 probationary teachers. Now they've changed their minds. Because every LAUSD teacher is SO valuable, so bright, intelligent, articulate, inspiring and necessary, that even if this state does go bankrupt, we CANNOT LET ONE PRECIOUS TEACHER GO. Especially ones as articulate and linguistically mannered as this gentleman. I know I'm a grammar freak - but really, where do we draw the line? This man is employed as an educator and he speaks like this? I felt like screaming "MOTHER OF CHRIST ON THE CROSS! Do you always use double negatives and talk like you've just left the hood? Is this how you speak to your students?" HE HAS A JOB and I DON'T?????? He's Hispanic. That's how the kids in my English class were speaking. Double negatives were flying all over the place. I tried to correct them but it's like a wall is up; they don't care. What does it matter? It's how all their homies fly, dude.

I stood there just looking at him, in utter horror. Now here's where some of you might get offended, and I am sorry, but this is what I have experienced both living and working in L.A. I have always tried my best to be fair to the Mexicans, legal or not, but if you want to see the future of this country, come to L.A. and you will cry tears of hot, bitter tecate sauce. Every single school I go to - I might as well be in Mexico. All the teachers and administrators are Latino/Latina. I feel like the Evil White Woman. The kids come from a culture where education is by and large not valued. They are pregnant at 15, in gangs, on drugs, having sex, in foster care and those that are good, smart kids are present, but they are far and few between. My students today had to write one paragraph on their favourite pie - and I've seen better spelling from first graders. I could barely read the 'essays.' The lack of motivation is palpable. One foul-mouthed trouble maker in a math class say "I've got to get edumacated." The foul, filthy language was just par for the course, no pun intended. They threaten each other, talk about being glad some guy was murdered and just make up answers on their math worksheets. Bits of conversation I overheard today:

"Fuck you faggot."
"Come over here you stupid motherfucker and I'll kick your ass."
"Fucking mother fucking bitch."
"Shut up you bitch!"

What the fuck do these kids think is going to happen to them when - no, IF - they even graduate from high school? There aren't even enough McDonald's to employ them. This is the future of this city. California has seen MAJOR white flight and really, people even dare to ask WHY? This state is BANKRUPT. I don't care if L.A. was made up of Bolivians - a city cannot handle this many people in the system - people who take far more than they give back. Yes, we need our gardeners and maids and cooks and hotel cleaning ladies...but there are ONLY SO MANY OF THOSE JOBS TO GO AROUND. We are going to have a culture of fucking IDIOTS - and there's not gonna be enough welfare to keep these people fed. An entire city cannot be low-wage service employees. It won't work.

My heart breaks when I see families that just want a BETTER LIFE. But they don't learn English, they don't participate in their kids' schooling, they don't even NEED to learn English. I was in a part of L.A. today where every single sign was in Spanish. There's no incentive to learn English. They never needed to adapt to America; America is changing for THEM.

Here was the BEST - I mean the absolute fucking BEST part of my day. After the students in the math classes finished their worksheets, the teacher told me to show them a video. I don't know what I thought the video was - something moderately educational perhaps? No. You want to know what he shows his classes? A show from Tru TV called "Most Shocking: Wild Animal Encounters." We saw: a pit bull literally chew off the hand of an animal control officer. A man in Spain get trampled and thrown around like a rag doll by a bull. A LITTLE GIRL locked in a cage with a crazed monkey that chewed her left leg to pieces. She screamed and screamed and screamed, running around trying to get out. The kids thought this was hysterical. We saw a stallion go wild, a man try to rope it, and get kicked in the head by the horse. Repeatedly. There was so much more. The first time I played it, I literally stood there in utter shock. Am I still that naive? I guess so. THIS IS APPROPRIATE MATERIAL FOR THESE KIDS? This is how this teacher feels instructional time is best spent? And I'm sure this fuck has tenure, and Jimmy Fuckin' Hoffa himself would come back from the grave to defend this teacher's "union rights."

Violence against animals and people. What did this have to do with math? I am so, so, so, so, so tempted to write the new Superintendent, the L.A. Times, my local radio show (the DJ's despise LAUSD and the union) and tell them THIS IS WHERE OUR TAXES ARE GOING. Our tax money is going to pay teachers like this to show these kinds of videos to his students. Of course I'd have to be so stinking anonymous about it or I'll never get a teaching job ANYWHERE for being a rat and anti-union. Not that I would even consider working at a hellhole like the place I was at today. Both teachers I subbed for - also Hispanic. I don't think they even care if you speak Spanish anymore - I really think to get a job you have to be a certain, um, race.

I am, utterly and completely defeated. I am there right now for the money. That is all. I do not believe I can make a difference, I do not want to make a difference. I want out, out, out. The last three years have been a long, sad road for me. And I still don't know where I'm going to end up.

I've depressed myself so much I'm going to bed. Oh, one more thing..

6) I saw the head shrinker last night. After a loooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooong discussion, he's given me a fairly new drug to try. I don't want to get into it here; it freaks me out though because some of the side effects are really scary. It's times like these I hate my own brain and just want it to get back on track so I won't have to fill it and my body with these g-damn chemicals. Why can I be normal?

Ha.

2009-01-23T17:28:00.000-08:00

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh Crap!

L.A.U.S.D apparently found my phone number.
Phone rang at 5:58 a.m. this morning.
They sent me to the 4th circle in Dante's Inferno today.
Good thing I make almost $28 an hour for this shit,
because I felt like making some middle kid heads roll.

More later. Really, I will share. I am thinking
the idea of studying medical billing sounds better
and better.

2009-01-21T23:45:00.000-08:00

Random Shite

1. I finally heard the new U2 song on the radio earlier today and while it's really great to hear Bono's voice, I have to say...I'm quite disappointed in the song. My first instinct is to say I hate it. I don't know. I'll give it a few more chances. We'll see.

2. Obama had to take the oath again! What fuckery! All because that idiotic uber-conservative Chief Justice John Roberts apparently had too big of an ego to actually bring the oath out with him on some index cards or something; I suppose he felt he'd memorized it well enough. Hardly!! He screwed Obama up from the moment he said his name. I think it's priceless Obama voted against him a few years ago. The Supreme Court needs to lose a few of its rabid right wingers...too bad this moron isn't going anywhere soon.

3. Have I mentioned I took 2 of the 4 required CSET English exams for my single subject credential on January 10th? I can't remember if I mentioned this. I took Subtest 1 - Literature and Textual Analysis and Subtest 3: Composition and Rhetoric which involved a great deal of writing with a fair amount of bullshit sprinkled generously throughout my compositions. Honestly? With my mental meltdown in full bloom, I barely studied. I'll get the scores on 2/9. Wouldn't the gods be smiling on me if I passed even ONE of them? There are two other exams - Subtest 2 - Linguistics and the history of the English language (the Great Vowel Shift - a momentous time in history! Love those Normans!!) and Subtest 4: Communications - Speech, Media and Creative Performance. Lots of academic hoo ha I haven't bothered to look at.

This is not an easy credential to get; especially when one has not had any kind of an English class in 20 years. Good thing I love reading and am a superior writer, and an excellent bullshitter.

4. Speaking of meltdowns, going into town tomorrow to see the shrink - the one that actually passes out the pills. Going to demand a change in the regime. Methinks the brain desperately needs it. I'm still waiting for some pharmaceutical company to create an AD that works, doesn't kill your libido and make you fat as a cow in the process. I know, I know. Keep dreaming.

5. People who read my blog and never comment? You bug me when you do that. Just sayin'. You know who you are!

6. A lovely young man came over today at the crack o' dawn from the Geek Squad. Poor guy; it took him two hours to get my iTunes and Quicktime working. He ended up telling me what I already knew: My computer is a dinosaur with no memory. I will be buying a laptop in the near future. I am in the throes of: Mac or PC? To PC or not to PC...heh. He was an interesting kid...told me a lot of stuff about Apple I didn't know.

7. Fibromyalgia - Too Legit to Quit! Last night I watched my taped episode of "House" - ugh. It was about a young guy in chronic pain who's repeatedly trying to commit suicide because well, Jesus Christo, he's in CHRONIC PAIN and he's been to something like 7 specialists in 3 years and no one can figure out what's wrong. Three years? Pussy! No, seriously, that episode had my address all over it. Kind of a depressing episode when you can relate to it just a little too well. Anyway, they actually threw out the word 'fibromyalgia' as a possible diagnosis for him. That was cool though - considering there's still a shitload of ignorant, compassionless fucktard doctors out there that don't think it's a real condition. Also, an author and columnist for O! The Oprah Magazine, Martha Beck, spent her last column talking a great deal about her struggles with fibromyalgia. This is big kids. Fifteen years ago when I had just gotten ill, I can't tell you how many insensitive prick doctors told me I was a nut job, just needed to get on AD's, the condition didn't exist, blah blah blippity blah. I only wish those people could spend 6 months with a nice severe case of fibro. They'd start singing a different tune. Or I could just bash their hands with a hammer non-stop for 6 months. Whatever.

8. Speaking of TV - after another dismal Fall TV season, I actually have some things to watch. Burn Notice is coming back (mind candy). Also, I taped a new show called "Lie To Me" with Tim Roth. TIM ROTH! He was one of my earliest acting gods. Also, he played Mr. Orange in "Reservoir Dogs" and who doesn't remember THAT little flick? God I so distinctly remember seeing that movie in 1992 and my mind was BLOWN! I LOVED IT! (Yes, I have a thing for movies that most women probably don't like that much). It was only years later I found out how Tarantino had totally ripped off so many other movies - (one being the genius "The Taking of Pelham 1-2-3 from the 70's which is naturally being remade and without Robert Shaw and Walter Matthau - why the fuck bother???). Seriously. I love me some Tim Roth. He and Gary Oldman - I was CERTAIN they were going to be the British equivalent of Newman and Redford or something. But Gary - I don't know. Booze, now on his 3rd wife who's about 20 years younger than he is? Also lot of bad script choices...I don't know where Tim has been. I hope this show is good.
I came late to the party, but I love "The Mentalist" because, well, Christ on a cracker, have you SEEN Simon Baker? Also, I'm in the middle of Top Chef and praying the legal troubles end so Project Runway can come back. BTW, I have quit ALL the housewives...of Orange County, New York, Atlanta, whatever. Yeah! No kidding. It only took 4 seasons for my brain to finally say "Why are you watching these leather-faced, silicone-planted, Botox-pinned, vacuous drunks?" See, little bits of sanity within the insanity. Baby steps.

9. I am still not working. I wonder if the school district lost my phone number. Unreal.

10. I think the Oscar noms come out in a few hours. Oh and it's the first anniversary of Heath Ledger's death. Yes, I know, this is kind of reading like the National Enquirer isn't it? I just know that because I saw a cover article on him on Entertainment Weekly. Man, waste, waste, waste.

11. We are supposed to get some rain which means it will mist here for 20 minutes, people will become utterly hysterical on the roads, a bajillion accidents will happen and it'll be 85 degrees come Sunday.

12. I read somewhere today Henry VIII was terrified of cats. Good. I'm really hating on the cat haters lately. I feel like I have to defend all the poor felines of the world. Damn they get bad press! People who hate them because they can't control them - ha! That speaks volumes to me about the PERSON! "I must have a creature who will be at my beck and call 24/7." Why am I going on about cats? Really, I don't think anyone understands the breadth and depth of the drop in sanity here. Also, people who hate little dogs can...bite me.

13. My mom was pondering a trip. First she was pondering a cruise, and now a trip to a luxury resort in Phoenix. Hmmm. S, got any good tips on that last one? Of course, (and I kid you not) she is also pondering taking money out of the bank and putting it in her mattress. I can see both points of view.

14. Speaking of trying to save money - by God, I'm cutting coupons! I am, I am!

15. I have two all-day/night passes to Disneyland and California Adventure. I really want to go. It's not like work will interfere. I received these passes as a Christmas gift from one of my students last year at the Insane Asylum I worked at. I don't do roller coasters though - so most people won't bother going to DL with me. I don't care. I practically grew up there, it IS the 'happiest place on earth' and I just enjoy being in the park. Except for all the people. Especially the children. I am half-kidding about that last part.

16. I finally got the Christmas pictures developed. I think I will try and find one of my niece and post it. She's 27 inches! Sadly, she's still not putting on the weight like she should...but she's crawling like mad, and walking between the furniture using the table, sofa, etc. to help her. Go Ella!

17. I heard - literally - Rush Limbaugh say he "wants Obama to fail." He said it. "I want him to fail." You know, it's one thing to disagree on policies and issues, and even say "I want this or that policy to fail" - but this pig is unreal. He is a steaming, infected boil on the ass of humanity who needs to be lanced into oblivion. I HATE HIM! Even though I disagreed with SO MUCH that Bush did, I never started out saying "I hope he fails." Why doesn't Limbaugh just say he hopes the whole country fails - so he can be proven right? He's a seriously disturbed fuck.

18. Peanut butter and salmonella - Oh for nut's sake. I ate two Reese's peanut butter hearts last week and well, did NOT feel well at all for a couple of days. I wonder...??? Probably not...but man, is it me or does it seem like some type of food is being recalled every month because of salmonella poisoning? Hmmm. I can think of a specific conservative radio talk show host I'd like to shove a jar of Jiffy down...or up. Whatever. OMG! I think I hear rain. Drowns out the voices...heh.

19. I've quite the potty mouth in this blog don't I?

Photo: Ella Bella, in the 'holiday' dress I bought her, on Christmas Eve, 2008.

2009-01-20T01:14:00.000-08:00

Obamarama

Ok, I voted for the man, and it's about 1:15 a.m. on the 20th. YAY! But holy cow, this inauguration has been going on for days! Ha! Finally though, the REAL day is here. FINALLY. Eight looooooooooooooooooooooong, tremendously sad, sad, sad years are coming to an end. Do I think Obama is the Messiah and all will be well on Wednesday? Hell no. If he's able to achieve 1/10th of what he wants to do in the first 2 years of his term, I'll be surprised. He's not God. Politics by its very nature is a tough, mercurial animal. He can't control the markets, the world, or even Congress.

Oh and someone really, really needs to tell him he's NOT Abraham Lincoln. Man, what the hell is THAT about? Seriously, does he believe in reincarnation?

Obama might not want to identify too much with a man who was um, assassinated. I just worry about his security. I think back to the night the Courts GAVE Bush the presidency (no I've got no strong opinions on this) and I CRIED. Everyone thought I was just being 'emotional, hysterical D' - but hey, how much better off is our country, the world - are YOU? than you were 8 years ago?

I will admit, shockingly, I had a moment of pity for Bush. He's the one who's leaving with a 22% approval rating, but come ON - in so many ways, he was a puppet and his strings were just pulled by Cheney and Rumsfeld. Cheney isn't leaving with that approval rating. Rumsfeld got his ass kicked to the curb long ago. They bear huge responsibility for Iraq and the mess we're in.

So anyway, I'll be up in about 5 1/2 hours to watch 'history in the making' - heh. This country is very, very desperate for hope - and I understand that feeling on a very personal level. Hopelessness is the worst feeling a human being can have in my oh so humble opinion.

I'd like Obama to do some 'fireside' chats like FDR. Primarily because I don't have a fireplace and I find them very comforting and soothing, haha.

I heard Obama will be using Lincoln's Inaugural Bible tomorrow for the swearing in ceremony. My God. I half expect the man to show up in a stove pipe hat and a beard.

All I have to say is: Good luck my dear man. To take on the job of the president at any time implies a little insanity I think, but to take it on at this juncture in America's history is just beyond comprehension. So good luck, and Godspeed!

2009-01-17T04:16:00.000-08:00

Fifteen Years

I woke up in the middle of the night a little while ago. I was sitting here looking at my desktop date book and wondering why the date (January 17th) was bothering me. Then I realized it.

It's the 'anniversary' of the Northridge earthquake. In fact, it's 4:17 am.

Here's some info I found on it:

The Northridge earthquake occurred on January 17, 1994 at 4:30 AM Pacific Standard Time Reseda, a neighborhood in the city of Los Angeles, California. The earthquake had a "strong" moment magnitude of 6.7, but the ground acceleration was the highest ever instrumentally recorded in an urban area in North America.^[1] Seventy-two people died as a result of the earthquake with more than 9,000 injured. In addition, the earthquake caused an estimated $20 billion in damage, making it one of the costliest natural disasters in U.S. history. in ^{[2]

If that sounds creepy, try living it. Honestly, it was the single most terrifying moment of my life. I've been in a horrific fire, been held at gunpoint, locked in a closet at a psycho pre-school and none of these experiences comes close to how insanely scared I was. I truly, truly believed I was going to die. The ground acceleration was such that I could feel my triplex literally moving up and down off the ground. All the power immediately went out. I couldn't find my flashlight. I couldn't get to the phone. I will NEVER NEVER NEVER forget the sound of car alarms going off, and the utter pitch blackness of my neighborhood.

I think I actually woke up at my front door. I was going to Cal State Northridge at the time - fifteen years later and the school is STILL involved in construction from the effects of the quake. It decimated the art history building; we finished our classes in trailers. An apartment building pancaked near the school and many CSUN students died. So young. So sad.

I despise it when people say they like earthquakes or think they're fun. They're either insane, have a death wish or don't know how truly terrifying and how much damage they can do.

What's funny is that I distinctly recall another of the worst earthquakes in So. California. It was 1971. I can't remember but I think that was close to 6.9 or something and also centered somewhere in the valley. My mom and dad literally grabbed me, my baby brother and we all flew down the stairs to stand in the front door.

It's 4:27 a.m. and I'm creeping myself out here writing about this. Going back to bed.

Photo: One of the many sections of the freeways that collapsed. I remember a motorcycle cop was responding to calls for help immediately after the earthquake and in the dark he had no idea that a major section of the freeway he was on had collapsed in front of him; he just sailed off to his death. :(}

2009-01-14T13:52:00.000-08:00

WTF?

I woke up late today and holy fuck it's hot. Zoe was stretched out on the bed on her back, obviously really uncomfortable. It's 86 degrees here. In January. A couple of weeks ago it was in the 40's. I don't even have any decent clothes to wear in this kind of heat. I've had my 'winter' clothes out for a while now. (Yeah, go ahead and laugh, all you people who aren't from So. Cal). The Santa Anas came roaring through this past weekend; hence, the heat.

I just want to climb under my bed but sadly, I don't fit.

2009-01-07T03:18:00.000-08:00

INSOMNIA

I have suffered from this mother fucking mind-sucking, soul-destroying condition my entire life. Lately (i.e. over the past couple of years really) I haven't had too much of it, because frankly, between work and constant fatigue, I'm exhausted at night. However, I've been off work for a month and for the past several nights have experienced the most brutal insomnia. I have been oddly anxious and wound up, so I've taken some tranquilizers - which are doing no good. I could take some Unisom but I swear I take 1/2 of those pills and I'm in a drug-induced stupor for a week. I'm honestly afraid if I just keep taking pills I'll end up like Heath Ledger.

But I'm LOSING MY MIND! I feel like my insides are trying to get outside me or something. I feel like scratching my eyes out, or pulling my eyeballs out. I want to shoot the TV and run down the street in the middle of the night in my nightgown screaming. I've rearranged myself in my bed about 600 times. I've switched pillows. I've changed the sheets. I've thrown all the blankets and sheets off the bed. I've turned the fan on, the heat on, the A/C on. NOTHING IS WORKING. I want to murder my bed. Would that be called....matrressicide? HAHA! Not even funny!!!It doesn't help that I got my period today, have had hideous cramps all day and night, a blinding headache and horrible fibro pain. I've gone off the Lyrica to see if it has had anything to do with some recent, odd side effects I've been having...but being off it also means being in an amazingly horrible amount of pain. I have Ultram, but it's only slighter more effective than aspirin at pain control. I wish I had a morphine pump. It's so sad, I can really see how Heath Ledger's death happened. You can't sleep, you start taking more and more pills, you forget what you've taken...it's so easy to go there. Which is why I err on the extreme side of caution and am typing this fucking blog at 3:40 a.m.

Went to the ob/gyn yesterday and had a long talk with her. It's highly unlikely I'm in perimenopause since I'm still having regular periods; I have tried to tell this woman for years I have pre-menstrual dysmorphic disorder (which is like the most hellish version of PMS you can think of) and she's always ignored me. I swear if you're not having a baby, this woman doesn't seem too interested in you. Anyway, for some odd reason, this time she listened to me and told me that new pill called Yaz has actually been OK'ed by the FDA to treat PMDD. She gave me an Rx and I'll get it filled tomorrow. Wouldn't that be a miracle of the highest order if I took something that relieved me of being an emotional and physical wreck 10 days out of the month? It's probably too much to hope for. I haven't been on oral contraceptives for about 4 years.

My friend, who is 48 and has already gone through menopause, started warning me that her 20 year old daughter took Yaz and had breakthrough bleeding. I mean, she warned me like the pill was going to make me grow two heads. Really? Hello? I was on birth control when your daughter was in DIAPERS. I know what break-through bleeding is. I think I can handle it if it happens. If it's too annoying, I'll stop the pill. I've been on a LOT of pills trying to control my PMS. I just get SO irritated when people act like I am mentally disabled. The pill might give me side effects? No shit! Oh and I've probably taken more prescription drugs in a year than you or your daughter have in your entire lives! I don't just have a PDR - I bought a NURSES' PDR because I end up on so many drugs and I need to know everything I can about them.

Really, I mean, she just wouldn't shut up about it. So what if her daughter had to stop it. I'm not her daughter. Let me deal with my own body. It's not like I'm freebasing here. Anyway. I made an appointment to get a mammogram on the 20th (ooooh, Day of Inauguration). The dr. would also like me to get my thyroid checked, just in case. I think stress is probably behind the last two months of wonky PMS symptoms but who knows. Thursday I have to see my ENT and I'm pretty sure I'll be seeing the rheumatologist this month too.

What would it be like to NOT being seeing doctors all the time? For that matter, what would it be like to FUCKING SLEEP LIKE A NORMAL HUMAN BEING. I could strangle my cats, who are curled up into fuzzy, adorable sleeping balls, snoring away. I just want to jump up and down o the bed screaming "WAKE UP FUCKERS!"

Don't tell me I need help. I know it.

Photo: My cat Zoe, trying to sleep. She's really not nearly as fat as she looks but she is really getting on my nerves with her abilities to just KEEP FALLING ASLEEP no matter how many times I wake her up by tossing and turning in bed.

2009-01-02T19:19:00.000-08:00

And Speaking of Loss...

One year ago tonight my maternal grandmother, Mary Wagner, left this mortal coil. It was no surprise; she was at home, literally on her deathbed, and 94 years old. She'd had a very, very long life - albeit sadly, in my eyes, a rather empty one. She never traveled anywhere, never really did anything, had no hobbies, didn't even read much. But she was my grandmother - not many people have a grandparent when they are 40 years old.

So much of my childhood was spent at her little house in Burbank; she had a kidney- shaped swimming pool that I spent every summer swimming in. We celebrated every July 4th there up until 2006 or 2007 I think - even as my grandmother slid into senile dementia. I had years to watch her slowly fade away. She was incredibly lucky with her health; I've had more health issues in 41 years than she did in 94. She smoked for 60 years but it didn't seem to do her any harm. She failed quickly in the end; only one hospital visit for the inevitable last December. She suffered from congestive heart failure. She slowly she stopped getting out of bed, stopped moving around, stopped eating, stopped drinking. We couldn't really tell if she was suffering; a couple of days before she died, my cousin and mom and I were with her and she seemed highly agitated...as if she was aware we were there but couldn't open her eyes and communicate with us. Who knows...perhaps she was already lost in her own world. Nevertheless, a nurse came in, either on the 1st or the 2nd to give her a few drops of liquid morphine and as I predicted, she was quickly gone.

My mom and I met at her house and waited for the...what? Two young men who came from the funeral home to take her away. Her 24 hour caretaker had taken the pillow out from under her head, and made sure the hospital bed was flat, so she would not be frozen in some odd rigorous shape. She looked ancient...and gone. Not asleep, but gone. My grandfather broke down repeatedly crying, as did her caretaker, who really loved her. We all cried together.

Due to lack of communication and my work schedule and my mother's total lack of sentimentality, I never got to go back to her house after the day of the funeral, when we dropped off my grandfather. That was the last time I saw the house the way it was as I was growing up. My grandfather pretty much gave everything away to the caretaker; my aunt and uncle sold or threw out the rest. I got some Christmas decorations I wanted - simply for sentimental reasons.

It's funny. I had plenty of opportunities to say goodbye to my grandmother. But I never really got to say goodbye to the place where I spent 40 years sleeping over, playing with my brother and cousins, eating breakfasts and dinners and my grandma's famous baloney sandwiches. I never got to say goodbye to that swimming pool, which meant so much to all of us that I think it was mentioned several times at my grandma's funeral service. If you think I'm odd for missing a house, so be it. If you find me peculiar for not being able to say goodbye to cement and wood and brick and stone, to old ghosts in the den, and old, faded board games in the closet, to cracks in an old swimming pool, I understand. I am weird in ways other people aren't, and I accept that.

When my paternal grandmother Patricia died in 1995, also at the age of 94, I was the one who cleaned out her house. My father was failing fast and it would only be a year later that he'd be gone too. I'd spend a fair amount of time at my Nanny Pat's house as a child, but I wasn't nearly as attached to it as I was my grandma Mary's house. Still, when I'd emptied out all the drawers and rid the house of decades of history, I thanked the house for the good memories, and said a proper goodbye. Yes, the house and I had a "moment" so stop laughing! Very rarely I will drive by the house, and it still bothers me that other people live there now. I obviously have attachment issues.

I was so angry that my mom had not allowed me to see my grandmother's house before it was emptied out. I still am to a degree. But there's nothing I can do now. My mom and aunt sold the house; neighbors told my mom the new owners were doing construction on it. Blasphemy! BTW, this house was built by my grandma and grandpa in 1938; I have a picture of it after it was just built - the only house on a large dirt lot. My grandma lived there 70 years. Unreal.

Burbank is the city where I was born; now it's a city of ghosts to me. I don't like going there. It's where my father lived and died so horribly, and both my grandparents died there, in the same month no less, and all my relatives are buried at the cemetery near the city. I refuse to ever drive down the street where my grandma lived, ever again. I don't want to see a reconstructed house, or another car in the driveway. All I have are my memories now. At night I can close my eyes, and picture my cousins and I playing in the pool, or walking down the street to get some candy. I see us running through the house or in the yard on a long, warm summer's evening, or eating Fruit Loops at the breakfast table at dawn while my grandfather sipped his coffee. I see my grandma in her eternal pose, sitting at the dining room table, a cigarette in one hand, coffee cup in the other. I see my grandpa sitting in his lawn chair on the porch and my brother and I played hide and seek in the yard.

I am sad, but I also feel amazingly lucky to have all these wonderful memories. And they are mine, and no one can give them away without telling me, or take them from me until the day I die or my mind starts to betray me. That is my solace. As Benjamin Button says, "Nothing lasts." Truer words have never been spoken.

Photo: My grandmother Mary and her caretaker, Delia, at the last Christmas we spent with her, in 2006

2009-01-01T22:06:00.000-08:00

Welcome 2009!

O.K., now it's official! I had a rather lovely start to my New Year. I rarely, if ever, go out to the movies anymore...something I have cherished doing since I was a kid. My parents took us out to the movies quite a bit. I am a HUGE movie buff, though I probably couldn't win any trivia games - but I love, love, love watching movies.

Anyway, over the years I've stopped going to the theaters for a variety of reasons. The primary reason has been the decline and fall of Western civilization. Ha. Or should I say the decline and disappearance of man's MANNERS and ETIQUETTE. Especially since the advent of cell phone technology! I *always* seem to be that one unlucky person that gets to experience the joy of having the back of my seat kicked, or having some really, really smelly person sit next to me. (Really, this has happened to me...there are far more stinky persons out there than you might realize!) Or I'll get stuck behind a freakishly tall person who sits down at the last minute in a packed theater, or I'll have to listen to two people talk throughout the movie...and now it's possible to hear actual phones ringing and hear ONE person talking to another unheard party! The JOY! My favourite is when some jackass sits near me, goes to sleep and starts SNORING LOUDLY. If anyone knows me, they know I cannot stand snoring.

I have very, very picky tastes about what movies I'll see - especially in the theater, but occasionally I'll get stuck sitting near highly annoying teenagers (please make every movie R-rated and enforce it) OR some supremely moronic parent will actually bring their baby or small child into the theater and it will proceed to scream, vomit, yell, throw things, run and up down the aisles, etc. The theater is NOT a nursery. People. You had a kid. Either get a babysitter or wait for it on DVD. Don't ruin life for the rest of us! God, I've seen people bring children into the most unsuitable films - unsuitable for children that is. How about the person who eats something in a plastic wrapper, loudly, for the entire two hours? Or brings in an entire meal to the theater - seriously, like someone just whips out some Korean bar-b-que and you are stuck there trying to concentrate and trying to identify the smell of...meat?

Also, to a lesser degree, I find not very many films these days are really worth $11-$13 a pop. I did pay $13 on a Friday night last August in L.A. to see a movie - not knowing it was going to be $13 - and I just could NOT get over it. I think even if I was a multi-millionaire I'd feel this way; it's just on principle. So I watch almost 99% of movies at home now, either on cable, via Netflix or DVD from Blockbuster. That's the only reason I'd love to get a really, really nice Sony Bravia LCD TV and a nice entertainment system. Someday!

Anyway, my mother and I bravely ventured out today to some relatively brand-new theaters - very nice- to see The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. We were the 4th people in the theater and got primo seats, but the theater did fill up. THANKFULLY, throughout the almost 3 hours I was in the theater, NO ONE did anything loud, rude or offensive. It was amazing. Almost miraculous. That theater should possibly be the new Lourdes. Either I got lucky and was sitting with the last civilized people on earth, or the movie was riveting enough to keep people from feeling the need to play games on their cell phones. It was like receiving a late Christmas gift.

And such a gift, considering the fact that this film is one of the most haunting, moving, beautifully made films I've ever seen. Everything about it glows. The cinematography is luminous and breathtaking. Director David Fincher's meticulous attention to detail with the period pieces, costumes, props, and most of all, the CGI make-up effects (which are essential to the telling of the story) are spectacular. The CGI effects are almost seamless. It's a truly magical experience, this movie. Benjamin Button is a rare, imaginative, original, unique and heartbreaking meditation on true love, love without limits, including the limits of external appearances and time. It is about joy and loss and acceptance the insanity of how temporary this crazy life is. Brad Pitt performs a somewhat serpentine but nevertheless clear and lovely monologue regarding the randomness and fragility of existence due to external circumstances; for example, if one tiny thing in life - a stranger's life, your life - changes - our Fates may be forever changed too. He speaks to this familiar phenomenon (true or imagined? Will we ever really know?) in a beautifully shot montage of little vignettes and imagined moments and shows us in an achingly knowing manner how our Fates are almost always (indeed, most often unknowingly to us) wrapped up in and often hinge on the actions, and reactions of others, no matter how small or seemingly inconsequential.

Brad Pitt gives a rich, nuanced performance and I quite impressed with his acting skills here. He's extremely sensitive and measured - I think even a bit reserved - but it's nice to see him reveal a bit more range in a film. It has been almost 13 hours since I saw the movie and I'm still sitting here thinking about it. Although I know Pitt is very 'classically' good-looking and handsome, I have never personally felt attracted to him. But his good looks do serve him well here; when you are asked to accept the conceit of a man aging backwards, Pitt's beauty is all the more stunning as he approaches middle age. I can only wonder what kind of thoughts went through his mind as he saw himself in make-up and with the CGI effects; he truly is in his prime, looks-wise.

The actual film runs about 2 hours and 47 minutes but I hardly felt I was in the theater even 2 hours. David Fincher keeps the film moving along at a comfortable and engaging pace. There were some rather funny bits, but overall, this is a more somber piece. Not morose, or cloying, or even sentimental; there is pathos - but without preciousness or pity. There are several scenes at the very end that could be, I suppose, on the face of it, funny, but they are so touching, and beautiful and speak more to the power and timelessness of love than anything I've ever seen onscreen. I especially enjoyed the main setting for the film, New Orleans, which kept making me think about my dear friend Veleska.

It wasn't a perfect film - but for me it's pretty darn close. I was interested to find the idea for the film came from a short story by F. Scott Fitzgerald. However, I read the film's writers took amazing liberties with the story and even without reading Fitzgerald's piece, I can imagine for the better. I suppose you can blame it on hormones, but I pretty much wept on and off throughout the entire film. Even when I was laughing. There are few films that truly speak to, and of, the human condition in such a beautiful and lasting way. I think The Curious Case of Benjamin Button is one of them and I am always so grateful to see the there are still magical films being made, and that even I can still have a great experience in a theater once in a while.

A lovely way to start the New Year.

2008-12-31T16:22:00.000-08:00

2009

Welcome.

2008-12-22T15:25:00.000-08:00

Merry Christmas!!!!!!

I'm leaving for Atlanta tomorrow and coming back on the 28th. Ah, time with the family! Thank God for my niece and my brother's two cats. And tranquilizers. Love to you all!

2008-12-17T15:12:00.000-08:00

The Weather Outside is Frightful

And frankly I find it delightful...

Some randomness...

It's about 45 degrees and raining. Yes, in Southern California.

Yes Virginia, it also snows here. I looooooooooooooooooove it! (Sorry, V)

I have a head cold. As opposed to those nasty foot colds.

I am about to go to therapy. (C'mon people, it's CALIFORNIA!)

I'm leaving for Atlanta next Tuesday; I dread the flight. I'm hoarding Xanax.
The last flight home from Atlanta SUCKED. I cried during it. Can you tell I hate
flying? I'm just never going to get used to it.

My niece Ella has a cold. She's too tiny to have a cold! I honestly think my cat
Zoe has a cold. Ah, it's that time of year.

I stupidly subscribed to the Sunday L.A. Times and they have been calling me
nonstop ever since. Today I was sleeping, picked up the phone and yelled "Quit
calling me!" I hope they got the message.

I have discovered The Office. The American version. Now don't go and start telling
me how much better the original British version is. I've seen a few episodes of the
original. I think Ricky Gervais is a genius. It's funny. But I'm sorry, I am in deep,
profound LOVE with the American version. I've bought all the DVD's. I have an
extremely unhealthy obsession with John Krasinksi now (he plays Jim). He's too
cute for words. Yes, I know, I'm about three years late on this bandwagon. I have
never laughed so hard at any TV show, except maybe the genius "Arrested Development"
show, which was cancelled because most of America is too stupid to realize great
comedy. I'm surprised The Office even made it. Man, if you have EVER worked in an
office (and I'm so glad I don't anymore - this show reminds me WHY I don't) -
you will just relate to the tedium of office work. Office games? Totally remember them.
Wasting time? I was an expert at it. Sadly the Internet did not exist the last time
I worked in an office which was....drumroll...1991!

Teaching is so much better. When I actually do it. Haven't been working at ALL for the
last couple of weeks. Teachers are amazing going to work. They just want to collect
all the gifts they can before the break. Ha! I should know.

I finished almost all my Christmas cards and will be mailing them today. I am done
with shopping too, praise Jesus.

It's 3:23 p.m. and I still have to get dressed. Is this TMI? Man, I sound pathetic.

I am not going to wear any make-up today. I hope the screaming and fainting will
not be too bad, since I have to go the grocery store. I am so fucking sick of putting on
make-up.

I have lowered my Lyrica dose and am losing weight - hmmm, coincidence? I think
not. I am soooooo tired of fucking around with this medicine, which has started to
cause me all sorts of grief...besides helping me pack on the pounds.

I would desperately like to shave my head, but alas, I am getting my hair dyed and
hightlights done on Monday and I think my stylist might be a bit peeved if I did
that.

My life is so boring now - but after the year I've had, I guess that's a good thing.

Photo: Me, holding my niece Ella last August. This is the reason I fly.

2008-12-09T14:06:00.000-08:00

Enjoy The Little Things, For One Day You May
Look Back and Realize They Were the Big Things

Yes, one of my favourite little pithy cliches. As the years go by,
I find more and more truth in this little ditty. Perhaps because my life has taken
turns towards great introspection and stillness that I would not have
experienced had my body not broken down on me so young...I don't know.
Here are some of my favourite "little" things:

1. The sound of my wind chimes on my balcony.

2. My sheets. They're like sleeping on a tiny slice of Heaven.

3. Starbucks black iced tea, unsweetened. Simple, simply delicious.

4. Watching my almost 14 year old cat Zoe in the dark bathroom,
chasing her tail - she thinks no one can see her.

5. Joni Mitchell's "Both Sides Now"

6.The scent of Yankee Candle's Christmas Cookie candles permeating
my apartment

7. The Japanese maples in my complex whose leaves actually change colour
and give me a tiny sense that our seasons are changing

8. The movie "Love Actually"

9. The fact that save for a few smile lines around my eyes, my face is
virtually line/wrinkle free at 41 (and considering some things I've been
through and the crying I've done - it's a miracle. Oh and hell yeah I'm vain!)

10. Listening and watching my niece giggle and laugh - the sweetest
sound on earth

11. Reading my friend's blogs - a not so "little" enjoyment! ;)

12. Deciding which book to read next

13. Students who ask if I can be their regular teacher when I'm subbing
for them

14. Accepting the things I cannot change (wait, this isn't little, this is
HUGE!)

15. A fabulous meal in an outstanding restaurant

16. The sound of autumn leaves crunching under my feet on an
overcast day

17. The perfect martini

18. Laughing at ANYTHING - the kind of laughter that leaves your
stomach aching; the kind that leaves you doubled over in pain and breathless

19. Coming across a van Gogh I've never seen before

20. Any single, unexpected moment of peace and contentment.

2008-12-03T16:04:00.000-08:00

Woman's Skeleton, 26 Cats Found in Home

Oh dear oh dear the madness continues
I took a breath and waited for the pregnant pause
None came and chaos theory reigned
Science will out and faith is within
Should I trust my neurons and this mass they're in?
I fear I will depart and my two cats, though loving as they
may be
Will feast on my remains very very happily

So Monday we're told we are in a recession
Breaking news on CNN! Everything has become breaking
news on CNN!

Breaking news! Anderson Cooper burped! Wolf Blitzer
jammed the fax machine! Lou Dobbs' computer has come
crashing down
Talking heads continue to babble on
and Babylon and Sumer or later we'll all be numb
A recession, dear friends, that's old news to me
More like a slight depression - but we dare not say this word
aloud
For to frighten the already frightened masses is absolutely
not allowed
What did dear FDR say? The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
Oh and not being able to pay our bills, feed our children, drive our cars,
get needed medical care or insurance
A few minor inconveniences I'd say
But certainly Obama will save the day!

So now the Three Big Auto Makers
may not be bailed out
I feel for the thousands and thousands of assembly
line workers and all those who will be affected by this
Should we let Detroit go down in flames?
It's not the cars I want but a nice long list of names
The CEO's and the COO's and the fat greedy pigs in their
corporate jets
The ones who will cash out with millions - oh they'll be set
The Gordon Gekko's of the world should pay
But alas there is no justice on this blue speck in the universe
No matter what Congressmen do or say

The astronauts have landed
The dead are counted in Mumbai
The terrorists keep working
on new ways for us to die

Wall Street, a rollercoaster, means nothing to me
I've nothing invested in stocks - just CD's
48 days left for President Bush - the lamest of lame
ducks
The saddest leader in the free world
A massive failure on a monumental scale
My hatred for this man has turned to sadness and regret
For the 4,000 + soldiers dead in an unnecessary war
I can't count the number of Iraqi dead - collateral damage
I've been informed by the press
Who needs names or numbers or statistics

When Wal-Mart's Black Friday deals are a deathly good steal
Thousands of consumers line up in the night
Shatter the doors and trample a man to death
I hope your 48" big screen is something to assuage you
Was it YOUR feet pounding on his face, his chest, his arms and legs
As he struggled to breathe and no doubt tried to beg
for mercy, for help, which never came
I hope your cameras and DVD players
fill the hole in your soul
You all have blood on your hands
And I wonder, I wonder, I wonder in despair
What kind of world do we live in
where life is expendable and responsibility is a stranger
to masses of greedy shells of human beings
do not care, do not care, do not care about one dead
34 year-old Wal-Mart worker
After all, he was a foreigner, he worked at Wal-Mart
how necessary was he?
Collateral damage beneath the Christmas tree.

2008-11-26T06:31:00.000-08:00

People Who Need to Go Away NOW

1. Miley Cyrus - Reserve a space in rehab now sweetie

2. The Jonas Brothers - a truly fugly trinity

3. Robert Pattinson (get a comb for Christ's sakes!) and anyone even slightly associated with that Twilight vampire crap

4. Britney Spears and all her fucking melodrama

5. Everyone from "The Hills" (why can't they all fall off a big steep one for Christ's sake)

6. Zac Efron and his High School Musical #24 buddies

7) Amy Winehouse - This chick's had more 'reactions to medication' (read: drug overdoses)
than a petrie dish in a pharmaceutical lab

8) Suri Cruise - Fucking creepy child. Why is everyone so obsessed with this child?

9) Brad, Angelina and their United Nations family - Stop trying to save the world and over-populate it with children at the same time

10) Jennifer Aniston - Boo hoo. What Angelina did was very uncool. Now get the fuck over it.

and finally...

11) Madonna - I've been waiting for this one to disappear for 25 fucking years!

2008-10-24T08:19:00.000-07:00

Sad

Last night my sister-in-law's mother Judy died. She suffered from pulmonary fibrosis (I think) for several years. I really don't know exactly what happened; she lived in Atlanta and her son Michael was with her. My brother has not filled me in on all the details; I just got a call early this morning that she'd died. We just saw her last month at Ella's first birthday. Mike (her son) had just come back to Atlanta from Portland about 6 weeks ago so I'm glad he got to see his mom.

My heart breaks for Mary, my sister-in-law because she lost her dad to pancreatic cancer in her 20's and of course, has struggled with having a seriously premature baby (my precious niece Ella) and now this. Judy was only 70. I say 'only' because today, people are living longer and in my warped mind (from having so many family members live well into their 80's and 90's) I think that is too young to go.

But I am not God right? Anyway, I'm very sad and sad for Ella, who only has one grandmother, (no grandfathers alive either) and sad for Mary, who was quite close with her mom. I wish I was religious, or had faith or believed in SOMETHING because right now I feel very hollow and nihilistic about life. Honestly, why couldn't I have been born with a brain that didn't question everything. It sucks.

I am posting a picture of Judy and Ella, taken last month at Ella's birthday party in Atlanta. Oh, Ella is wearing a helmet - she has had to wear this because in the NICU her head was flattened out and misshapen a bit from lying on one side a lot. The helmet makes her look like she's a little football player. She's (hopefully) getting it off later this month. Anyway, RIP Judy.

P.S. I have NO FUCKING IDEA why the first two words in this blog are so tiny. I've tried to fix them over and over. Sorry.